It's my turn to rant (sorry)

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I was picking my 8yr old son J up from school yesterday, he was obviously not in a great mood. I tried several times to find out what was going on with him but he wouldn't tell me. Any way he finally told me hours later.
Before home time the whole class had been given free time. All the kids had something to do and someone to play with. J had made an attempt to play with one child but found he kept messing up what ever it was the kid was doing, so he moved on-no hard feelings there. He asked to play with M (a kid J adores) M proceded to tell another child that J is kooky, J understood this to be nasty but still wanted to play, M's friend said no your attitude is annoying, M corrected his friend and turned to J and said No your annoying! J spent the remainder of the school day sitting on the mat crying. He tells me he is very lonely at school. I wanted to cry myself, but I didn't want to make it worse. I believe the teacher was in and out all afternoon and obviously wasn't paying any attention.
I am really peived this isn't the first time my little boy has come home really upset. Where was the teacher? Why didn't she interven?
The damage to his self esteem has been done now. I'm going to be talking to her on Monday but I dont know how much good it will do.
Last time I spoke to her about J's social problems, a week and a half later ( when things had improved at that time) she decided to have a discussion with him about it all. Apparently ( she told me) that she explained to him that he needed to stop certain behaviours inorder for the other kids to accept him! He needed to take responsiblity for his actions! According to her whilst she was trying to explain all this and help him he was deliberatly very rude to her. He said to her " are you done talking over the top of me?" She got really cross and sent him away telling him that he had just wrecked their relationship, she had being trying to help him. He needed to think about what he had done and come up with a way to repair the damage. She told me she said all of this. Apparently he was very remorsful because he came back to her later and said sorry and had drawn her a picture. He told me himself about the incident a few days later and when I questioned him on why he'd said what he'd said his response was "I was trying to tell her something mum, but she wouldn't listen to me she just kept talking" (well fair enough I think then.) J's diagnoses isn't in yet we are still in the evaluation process. Talking to this school is like talking to a brick wall. I get so cross, frustrated etc. They ( the school) dont think there is much wrong with J, because he is usually very compliant, he goes very quiet when upset (Iknow this, they dont recognise it) Any way enough said I'm sorry this post was so long I just had to get it off my chest

Vent,Girl, Vent. I wonder if any teachers would be willing to spend some time viewing the topics on this forum? It might wake them up. I think I'll invite some of Z's teachers to come here.

You are right, aurea, the teachers do not have a clue how to deal successfully with our kids. Most of them are too convinced they know better than anybody else how to handle these "difficult children". I better not get started or I'll make your post seem short. Don't want to steal your thunder

I think the incident with the kids is just life.
I think the incident with the teacher is close to abuse. She is supposed to be the adult and not having a "relationship" with her 8 year old students.
Doesn't sound like he's safe with her.

I was rushed before. I don't see what adults could do about those kids not wanting to play with your son. That's their choice. Why force them? What else are they supposed to say?

I had this very treatment and that's not what really bugged me. it was the snotty kids coming up to me and harassing me and making fun of my looks.

Vent away!!

Your son's teacher sounds like she doesn't have a clue! She needs some education about AS very quickly!

We were having major problems with our 9 year old son's teacher to the point I was going to pull him out of the class. I spoke to the special ed teacher and Vice Principal and they intervened. Although I don't personally like the teacher, he has changed his behaviour towards my 9 year old son (for the better) and I'm happy for our 9 year old son to stay in his class.

Our special ed teacher is brilliant! Our 9 year old son has cooking lessons 1/week with the special ed teacher and a group of 5 boys (social skills training, disguised as cooking lessons - fantastic). My son loves it and has made some friends with the other kids.

Also, he goes to drama lessons 1/week. There are 8 kids involved - 4 have Asperger's and 4 are NT kids. The NT kids were handpicked - they are kids who are popular/leaders. The NT kids have been trained about Asperger's.

1/week they have drama lessons where they are given a 'scenario' and together they write a script, dress up, and act out the scenario. Brilliant! Social skills lessons and anti-bullying in disguise.

The popular kids greet my son in the playground and at the bus stop. So because the popular kids accept him and play with him, the other kids have stopped the bullying/rejection.

I think I need to clone our special ed teacher and send him to you.

Regards
Helen

Thanks guys for all the poitives Sorry the post was so long.

Smelena please send that clone!! !! !

J doesnt have an aid maybe we can push for one once the evaluation is in, either that or look for a better school!

The other kids aren't the issue I completely understand J can be hard to bare sometimes and Im an adult. It these teachers that think they know whats best for my child. They forget the fact that he is MY child.
Anyways just wanted to say thanks ....better not get started again lol.

you're right~ the other kids don't have to like your son.....but they do have to be respectful ! sounds like that teacher has issues with more than just your son. nasty comments should not be tolerated within any classroom.

teacher seems to have a very limited understanding of AS.. I mean..."think about what he'd done and come up with a way to repair the damage ?".....heck, she's lucky he came up with a suitable response !

It is a fine line between "you can't play" and bullying. As a Special Ed teacher and the parent of a son with AS, I believe in the "you can't say you can't play" model; for elementary kids, this is not unrealistic.
Your child's school should understand that if he is bullied, that can be construed as discrimination based on his disability.
I know this all sounds extreme, but his teacher needs to get the point: he can't just "change his behaviors", he has AS! If a deaf child could just "hear a little", then they wouldn't need sign language!
Sorry, but this is a hot button for me.
Teachers must be taught, as well, that these children need extra support. That's why, in his IEP you can require "close supervision during group work": this can include "center time" or outside play, and an adult can thereby teach him as he plays.

Good luck.

While the teacher may have lacked tact, her statement that J will have to learn how to change his behavior is fundamentally correct, if he wishes to gain more social acceptance. Let us assume he is AS (as opposed to some other condition, or none at all) - that does not preclude an ability to learn new behaviors, including social rules and how not to be annoying. However, unlike other children, it will be something he has to learn explicitly as opposed to having an instinct for social behavior. It would be more like a deaf person learning how to read lips or learning how to talk - it can be done, it just takes some work.

I'm sorry, I have to respectfully disagree here. I'm 42, both learning disabled and mildly AS/autistic (they can't make up their minds!), and I dealt with this kind of crap all through school and have continued to deal with it in adulthood. No matter what you do, how hard you try, you're never going to be totally socially adept. It's just not within your wiring. I've come to accept that and have no patience anymore with people who have a problem with me or my son or my fiance regarding our conditions. None whatsoever. NT's have no frigging clue how difficult it is for those of us with these conditions (LD's have little social sense, also), how difficult it is not to have that seemingly innate "social sense." And how exhausting every day really is in trying to deal in a world where your brain wiring is not welcome or understood. Yes, there are things you can do to be more adept, and it should be encouraged, but it's never going to work completely and we're never going to be able to change completely. Would you tell a blind kid he's just going to have to learn to "see a little", or a paralyzed person that they'd just going to have to "learn to walk a little", etc., etc. Of course not.

It's no different with us. WE CANNOT HELP THE WAY WE ARE. There are limits to what we can learn and how we can "change." My parents were both teachers and teachers like this one just infuriate them to no end. They were way ahead of the curve for their time in recognizing this and trying to help such children, especially in seeing their pain and constant struggle. Maybe the teacher and students, and employers and friends and people in adult life, need to learn to get along with people who are a little bit different, as well.

I've had to deal with teachers like this during my own son's school career (he's 16 now and thankfully has some really great teachers this year); my mom and I would NOT and DO NOT put up with any crap from them like this. None whatsoever. The fact that my mom was a teacher herself for nearly forty years does have a lot of credibility with them.

There are good and bad teachers and all of them have different opinions about whether or not aspergers kids can/should adapt.

As an aspie, you need to be aware of your condition and change/hide your differences when it's necessary/possible without stifling who you are. For the most part... you need to be yourself.

It's often hard to determine when to suppress and when not to.

As the parent of an aspie, you need to ensure that your children have access to a good range of teachers - not just the one. This increases your chances of getting an appropriate teacher.

Look at OT, Special Ed and external special tutors.

Teasing by other kids is normal and unfortunately unavoidable to some extent. Your child needs to learn how to cope and when to get help. He also needs to know when to escalate things (see teachers etc).