do i tell the other kids?

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i am having a bit of a dilemma, i work at my son's school doing the after school program, some days he's fine, other days he gets kind of ornery, and has broken kids block towers will hit or push other kids, today he bit someone, because he was tipping a hockey net over tha they were using and when the girl tried to stop him from doing it a second or third time, he grabbed her arm and bit her.
this was a job that i could do because i am allowed to have my kids with me, but i don't want the other parents to think my kids gets away with whatever. i made him apoligize and explained that if he is feeling frustrated he needs to come and talk to me and not hurt other people, but i'm not sure what to do to minimize the "bad days" it is really stressful for me to be on high alert all the time so i can minimize the incidents between him and the other kids, so i don't have to quit or try and find child care for him.
i am wondering if i should tell the other kids or their parents about his diagnosis possibly so they'll cut him some slack, but i don't want to play the aspergers card to excuse all his undesirable behavior.
(he is 4- in pre k, 2 aft/week) (i work 3-6 m-f, so he's ther with me)
i would apprecaite any suggestions or insights.
thanks

Your son probably finds the after school program stressful with lots of other kids around. This is also stressful for you.

Do you really need to work right now, or can you wait a couple of years until he starts school?

How old are the kids in the after school program? Would they be old enough to understand about Asperger's?

2 of my 3 sons have Asperger's, and I know it would have been impossible for me to work in the situation you describe. I remember having to leave playgroup many times after only 10 minutes because they would start attacking other children. When they were old enough they told me they hated playgroup because there were too many kids, and they were too noisy and hurt their ears.

His undesirable behaviour is caused by stress. It's better to avoid stressful situations for your son and you. His behaviour is telling you that he is stressed/suffering sensory overload.

He doesn't misbehave maliciously, he is just stressed.

By all means, tell parents about his Asperger's.

But I think it would be better to rethink the whole work situation.

I've recently reduced my work hours for the sake of my sanity, and the whole family's sanity.

Helen

I was diagnosed with Asperger's a few years ago, when I was... 16, I guess. My case is relatively mild, I guess...
I think the other kids' ages are very important to your question. When I was 19, I found that I could freely tell people without them judging me for it, because at some point people start understanding the value of seeing what's good in a person's personality, instead of seeing quirks and deficiencies.

That said, I have always been discriminated against, even before I knew I had Asperger's but just felt different from everyone else. Granted, I suffered from medical depression since I was 11, but that was triggered by the discrimination I had to live with. The truth is, in my experience, that kids just don't accept those who are different. Especially if the difference can be interpreted as willful (it's harder to justify discriminating against appearance than against personality).
So my point is, if your child has problems because of the syndrome, his biggest problem will be other people not accepting his behaviour, not the underlying genetics behind it.

If the other kids are younger than 16, they're highly unlikely to understand what Asperger's syndrome is, at least without being lectured on it, which they might not be interested in. I doubt telling them will have much of a positive effect, but telling their parents might encourage them to teach their children some tolerance to those who are different.

I would tell the parents about your kid's syndrome, but ask them not give too many details to their children in order to avoid teasing. In any case, I think the most important thing is to teach your child not to take frustrations out on others. Because that will always be one of his biggest problems in social relations.

Just my million cents. I hope it's helpful, because I've never been on this site before and rarely meet anyone who cares about my perspective on the syndrome, heh.

My kid never bit people, but he sure kicked over a lot of block towers and got in a lot of trouble. I think it's more important that the administration know, not the other kids. At that age, they won't understand, and they'll start to tease him. And it's going to get worse when he gets older, and you have to do something to maintain your own sanity (I mean, it might not, but it usually does.....not your kid, the teasing).

Expect it, figure out how you're going to cope with it, never believe the administration (sorry, we made that mistake too). Nothing is worse for a kid who comes home and tells you what happened, only to hear, "well what did you do to make them tease you?. He has probably heard that already from the administration. AS kids don't want to misbehave. They WANT to follow the rules. But they can't.

You are your kid's safety valve. If you can't do that, (I mean listen quietly and don't ask questions like that) then you're in for trouble. We tried to listen, it wasn't always easy, I didn't always believe my kid, but then I didn't always believe the administration either. They wern't there. Sometimes, when an AS kid comes home, they want to vent. They don't want advice.

The teasing will get worse, believe me (unless your kid is at a very unusual school) and NO ONE will cut him any slack. Go to school, fish him out of trouble, probably multiple times (and it's worse for girls), and never assume that the kid is wrong. You are the only advocate he (she) has. The only thing you can do (if you want to follow through) is offer to contact the school authorities. However, don't do that too often. Most of the time the kid just wants some moral support.

Oh, and if you're going to discipline him, don't do it in front of the other kids. They'll learn that if they tease him, it pushes your buttons, and they'll do it just to see what you do.

The good news is, that the kid will get stronger and better over time. I am AS, and I went through it. My kid is AS, and he went through it. I've made a pretty good living all my life (and stayed away from my high-school reunions), and my kid (who is now 18) is doing pretty well in the adult world. Of course, as I told him, "the day will come when you'll be one of the adults.....I wasn't born old."

Look to your own sanity, and let things go along as they will, unless he really gets in trouble, and then you have to intervene. But wait until he's a little older.

Luck.

Beentheredonethat

thnaks for your insights to clarify a few things, it is at an elementary school prek- gr 7. I do need to suppliment the support payments being made by my ex husband.
unfortunately there has been a lot of stress in his life especially this year, starting school for him, me starting work, even though he comes with me and his dad leaving the province for 6 months to work at the end of september.
he has only recently been diagnosed so i am just unsure of how to handle everything and worried i will do something horribly wrong and screw him or his life up really badly. i love him very much and he is an amazing boy, but i don;t know how to deal with some of his behavior issues, and it makes it worse that it's in that environment. i appreciate the insight that the kids may instigate stuff to see what i do any advice on how to discipline him without it amking a scene. the kids are all basically pretty good, but i worry about incidents with specific kids and if it becomes an ongoing problem, what i will do. thanks again.

do you have anyone near you willing to barter for daycare so that your son doesn't have to go to work with you ?
i was able to barter daycare with another mom so that we could both work daytime hours ~ i worked M, W, F & she worked Tues and Thurs....just a thought
if you're concerned about the other parents, then you can certainly tell them that your son is in the process of being evaluated for ASDs and that you are aware that he has behaviors that are an issue. don't expect a whole lot of understanding , though....unfortunately, many parents are quick to blame any behavior problem on poor parenting.....there are cards out there ~sort of like business cards that you can hand people in the midst of a behavior problem that explain to others that your child is going through a meltdown due to his dx.

these cards have peaked my interest, is ther somewhere that has pre made cards or are you suggesting making my own, if so what is pertinant to put on them, if they're pre made whatr comes on them and where do i look into them. thanks
he likes going to the program with me most of the time and sometimes my mom takes him and my daughter home with her because she works at the same school, but we can't be over there every night either and i don't really know too many other people in my area or that area to look after my kiddos even on a casual basis let alone every day.