Sorry but I need to whine

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I'm sorry but this post won't contain any helpful info. for anyone, it won't be a great insightful question about our kids on the spectrum... it's just that my heart is breaking at the moment and there really is no one else on the planet - no friend, no family member, no one who understands what it is like to have a kid on the spectrum like people on this board. I know none of you but in some way I really do and that's why I can pour my (internet) heart out and then feel like at least some one on this "wrongplanet" gets my despair.
I don't feel despair very often -it comes when I am not ready for it. Damn it! It comes when everything is going pretty good in our life. Our life with a 10 year old boy named Noah - who is so beautiful and wonderful it brings me to tears. A boy who has Aspergers. 90% of the time I can be strong, I can not care what others think, I can not care that he is different - but it's 10% time for me.
I was driving in my car praying to God for strength so that I can make it through his life with him. Praying that I can remain hopeful and strong and positive and proactive and supportive and.....today I just felt like I will never be able to do it.
I know the NT world is where we are supposed to try to help my son "fit in" but more and more I don't care if he does. He doesn't always belong in or want to be in the NT world and I don't mind but then I feel guilty because I read. I read about how we need to accommodate, we need to role play, we need to do social stories, blah, blah. Of course some of that can be helpful but my son has stated categorically that "I only want a few friends and I don't care one bit about getting attention from anyone" So why can't I just accept that and let it be?

Is the number of friends we have the single determiner of our worth as a human being. My father has never had any friends but he held a very high position in a company, traveled all over the world, knows a lot of people (acquaintances) and does talk and interact with them, was a caring, attentive father to 4 children, is a very intelligent, curious, generous man who gave to church and many charities. But despite all that my mother and others still always come back to "he never had any friends you know"

I apologize to anyone who has read this far - No I am not drunk- just sad. I had to let it out and I feel the despair lifting a little as I type.

Tomorrow is another day.
In the words of Winston Churchill "Never, never, never give up."

Disclaimer: I'm not dismissing your feelings at all when I say the following. I'm totally understanding them.

I think most people, including and maybe especially NTs, go through this very dilemma. There is an intense pressure to "fit in" and we have to guess at what is this imaginary "normal". NTs make themselves nuts over fitting in, rejecting the wrong people, accepting the right people. I can see how you're worried about your son who may feel the same pressure but lack the motivation to fit in.
I think as long as he has the social skills to stay out of jail and maybe get a job when he's older, he'll be okay. He'll be better off than many NTs.
When my son started 2nd grade and was concerned about making friends, I just told him to stick with kids that are interested in his interests (videogames). So, he plays with kids that are like him. I don't know if any of these kids will stick. It seems that when he bonds with a kid, their parents don't encourage it.

My husband and I found each other in our late 20's. We are each other's best friends. We don't really socialize outside of our home and it's okay. It's less stress, less stimuli, and we really can count on each other.

I know this is the parent's board, but I'd figure I'd give my two cents anyway. Your kid sounds exactly like I did, and do. When I was his age, I had a handful of friends who were pretty close, and that was that. There were other people I got along with okay, of course, but I didn't want to get to know them. Besides, I'd rather have a few close friends than 100 people I barely know as friends. I think thats all he was trying to say. Don't worry so much, you sound like you're doing a great job.

First of all, the way you are feeling is valid and true and nothing to be ashamed of. I think that a good percentage of parents on this forum have felt exactly the same way. I felt that way about a month ago, so I know exactly where you are right now.

The hardest thing about having kids so high on the spectrum is that you sometimes feel lucky that they are so high on the spectrum, and then other times you feel bad because they don't fit in with the NT world. They are SO CLOSE, but not quite there, and you just want them to be HAPPY! The reality is, your son may very well be happy. If he has just a few close friends, THAT'S WONDERFUL. Not a lot of people even have that, NT or AS. As long as he is getting on well with somebody outside of the family, he's probably doing fairly well.

Also, your Dad sounds exactly like my Dad. I really think the measure of a man is how good he is to his family, and it sounds like your Dad was a good man. If your son can grow up to be like your father, you will have done an excellent job in raising him.

I have many, many days, where I think that I would just love to pull my son out of school, and just travel the world with him. He is a very happy, inquisitive child, and I would absolutely LOVE to just go off into the world and learn what life has to give, just with him, and not have to deal with the friends/teachers/dating/socializing junk. This would be my idea of heaven. And I truly think he would be just fine if we did this. But he is actually fine where he is, in middle school (he's eleven) with a few friends, and adjusting to real life.

This will pass -- and we're here to help.

Kris

Last edited by schleppenheimer on 18 Oct 2007, 1:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I know where you're at right now, I've been there many times myself - don't beat yourself up about it. Just know that there are a lot of 'shoulders' you can cry on here and we're all feeling your sadness.

Sending you lots of ((((((hugs)))))))

Take care

Oh, honey, rant away! I would wager there is not a single parent here who cannot understand. We have all been where you are right now. This is the right place to pour it out. I know I cannot express myself to family or friends like I can here because family and friends are not going through what we are with our son but here you have a lot of people in your corner!! God Bless Wrong Planet!!

Thanks to all for the uplifting words- This board is such a blessing! I wish I could meet you all over coffee or a beer and just chat about our great kids, this is the next best thing.
Deep down I think my son is relatively happy. Every once in awhile I work myself up into a ridiculous state thinking it is hopeless when it never, ever is.

Dearest Rachael, yes we do understand and coffee sounds great, just wish I lived closer.

Z turned 11 yesterday. Party consisted of Mom (Cor), Dad (Sar), Z (himself), and S (sister-cousin). Of course it had to follow previous patterns, balloons, banner, cake (which he won't eat) and presents. Steak dinner has to wait until Friday (a little short on cash until payday.)

The best thing we can do is help them be happy with themselves. As we are able we can help them with developing skills to help them surive in this alien world they have been born into. Sounds like you are doing this and I applaud you.

After today I would love to get together with all of you for coffee and perhaps 75 or 80 beers. Whine away, Rachel. We've all been there. My six-year-old Aspie son had one of his best days in a long long time yesterday, an oasis in a rather bad week. Then today he's unfocused, uncooperative, scatterbrained, and he had...let's see...three meltdowns in all? Or was it four? They sort of start to merge after a while. After this last week, I'm surprised he could find any unbruised skin left on his arm to bite. So today I'm in one of my what-in-the-hell-is-my-purpose-on-this-planet moods.
We have actually seen some great improvement with our son, but we're just on a low point of the curve at the moment. I guess we can just hope that those low points on the curve are less low as time goes on. (Did that make sense?)
I'll be thinking about you, Rachel, sending energy your way. (And your son's.)
--John

It sounds like your mom thinks that he can be trained to be like everyone else. She needs to get over that idea. He cannot be turned into a different person. He can become a happy, productive and well-adjusted aspie, or he can be an unhappy aspie, but there are no other options. Give him the skills that he wants, and give him the skills that he needs, but don't try to give him anything he neither needs or wants, that's just a waste of energy.

I'm not very good at putting sympathy into words, I always want to "help" and "fix it". I don't think you are doing anything wrong, and it certainly doesn't sound like you are failing this child, not by a long shot. You love him and accept him for what he is and he has a big advantage for having that kind of support. There is nothing wrong with being sad, or tired or even frightened for their future while you watch them struggle, I don't think there is a parent here, on the spectrum, NT or whatever who doesn't understand that feeling. I think you are compassionate, and strong; your son is very lucky to have you.

There are a whole bunch of "standards" and "averages" for when kids are supposed to do this and be able to that etc., but as soon as Asperger's gets into the equation, a lot of those "standard milestones" etc. are pretty much null and void.

My own mom is a very outgoing, social character, and always had a lot of friends and buddies back in her own school days as well as in her adult life. So little did she understand why I had a small, "exclusive" circle of two or three friends instead of half my schoolclass.

Aspies may have fewer friends, but deeming from personal experience, each friendship is that much stronger and closer than they can ever get for someone who has 20 or 50 persons on ther "friends list"... stick that to your mother next time she pulls the number-of-friends argument!

So your son's right: He needs a few select friends, probably as quirky as himself, that he'll get along with all the time every time. I found such a friend quite by chance online...

I think what really matters is whether he is happy, and by the sounds of it he is. There are some places in this where you'll need to work extra hard for the things others take for granted. There are some places where you'll need to just accept and let your son be your son. I think your heart is a good guide, by what you're saying here. Who says a ton of friends is necessary? Isn't this all about giving our kids the skills they need to cope? If he was miserable and not coping well, then I would tell you he needs intervention to help him. It sounds though that he is happy, so I don't see the big problem. I know what you're feeling on the 10% days. I have them too. I have TWO autistic children. Most days I love them and all their little quirks. My son is a non-speaking orderer of all things. He takes great pleasure in lining our water bottles up in straight lines on tables and across the floor. He's two. My daughter needs things just right, from the exact placement of the bedroom door opening to where her animals are on the bed. She takes everything very literally, and doesn't finish a command unless you specify (i.e. if you say go get your pajamas, she does - but she doesn't complete by putting them on without you telling her to...unless she wants to on her own). And we've just adapted to these things, being specific and dealing with lines of water bottles and toys. But some days, when my daughter is having a tearful squealing meltdown because her bedroom door is three inches wider open than she wants it and my son (who communicates all his needs and desires through crying since he doesn't have words for things yet) has whined more of the day than not, I feel a little overwhelmed. In those moments, their dysfunction becomes clear and I see how much they struggle with such small things and it hurts me. So I know where you're at, and I know that hurt. I know that 10%.

All I can say is we're here. Let it out when you need to! And just go with your heart. You want your son to be who he is, and I don't see anything wrong with that.