How to Protect Your Daughter

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Excerpt from a column by Retta Fontana

It is a fact that most girls who are sexually assaulted know their assailant. This makes sense; let me explain why. Most children in our culture are taught from a young age that big people get to tell small people what to do, simply by virtue of their physical ability to enforce their will upon others. Having the title, “parent” can’t make wrong into right. Tyranny by any other name smells as bad.

The only way out of this problem is to teach your children to question authority, especially your own. They must be given the full sanction of self-determination from the first moment that they indicate they are ready for it. Children are very reliable in this respect.

The most practical way of teaching a child to question authority, or anything, for that matter, is to do so by example. I realize I am beating this drum not for the first time, dear reader, but it cannot be stressed enough. If they watch you surrender your responsibility for yourself from doctors, ministers, bureaucrats or any person who assumes authority over you, there is no way that they will be able to do what you say and not what you are actually practicing in your daily living. It is childish, magical thinking to hope otherwise.

Saying “no” to tyranny is so basic and natural that even a two-year old can do it. They fearlessly practice being true to themselves without any instruction whatsoever. Commonly and culturally, this is considered “terrible.” It is only terrible to the tyrant. It should be celebrated. It is the strength of the human spirit and the genesis of creativity and courage.

there is no guarantee in life. sometimes bad things happen whether you've taught your children to say no or not.

Don't forget "How to protect our sons".

I think there is more societal pressure on women, to be submissive, than there is for men. If a guy was threatened by someone, most likely he'd say "Oh I'm going to kick his a**" Women might be raised to be less, instinctive then that.

Like, I heard about a woman on TV who went home and noticed her trash can was moved. She was in a relationship with an abusive man already, and she felt that sense of "Something is not right here", but she didn't listen to it. I think she didn't listen to it, because women are told not to cause problems. She ended up being kidnapped by her husband. She survived, but I always am hearing women like her say "Oh if I only listened to that voice in my head saying something is wrong here."

We need to raise our daughters to not be afraid of escaping these problems. Teach them there are more things to worry about then what your friends might think if you were wrong. You can always say to them, "and what if I was right.." It's easier to say this as a female Aspie, since social things don't really seem as important as other things to me. I think it'd be much more difficult to get this across to a NT daughter, who really would feel the pressure to be accepted at all costs.

Sad thing is though....once a pediphile wants your child, then your child is in serious trouble, these monsters are master manipulators and can convince a child to do anything they want and convince a child that they want it. Most famous case that I can think of is Alex King. His perp convinced him that he was gay and even manipulated both Alex and his brother into being involved in their father's murder. In dealing with boys in these assaults......if it was a woman who molested them then they are suppose to act like it was ok..."Hey you scored." If it was a man...well, if they were not harmed then it felt good........so you can only imagine their confusion in their sexual identity. Which is why alot of children do not report, they are brain washed, confused, feel guilty or responsible. Sad these adults act like victims, so then their victims have such a feeling of helplessness and doom.

As has been said above, when a kid runs into a sexual predator, you've got a whole different set of problems. And it's not just protecting daughters, it's sons too (as has also been said). If you teach a kid to question ALL authority, than that kid will have trouble fitting into any situation. Society is an authority structure.

The best we (as parents) can do is to be very watchful ourselves, and make sure the "authority" figures who have power over our children are, themselves, carefully (albiet unobtrusively) watched. Can be as simple as a school or church policy of never leave a child alone in a room with one adult. Most Police departments have that policy, most doctor's offices have that policy.

Too bad we have to do it that way, but we do.

By the way, Paula (and I agree with most of what you say) in most cases, abusers have been abused themselves. Nothing comes out of nowhere. Read "Inrage: Healing the Hidden Rage of Child Sexual Abuse," by Dr. Linda Y. Callaghan. Tyborne Hill 2001.

btdt

one concept in parenting that I find very compatible with my Aspie brain is called "Consentual Living". Another is called "Unconditional Parenting" If you are interested I suggest you warm up your google fingers and give them a whirl.

We practice a hybrid in our home. basically they both revolve around the natural aspie tendancy to remove social hierarchies and seeing all members as equal.

We try not to judge or praise our kids because they start to crave and depend on it. "Good boy you drew a doggy" just seems condescending, we use "Hey a dog!" and it seems like the kids prefer to do their own judging.

We try not to make rules that only some members of the household have to follow. All the rules go for everyone, and the 2 year old is allowed to weigh in on what he thinks is fair. If they want to go to a store in the mall but we want to leave, we talk about it and the kids/toddlers will offer up their compromise "Go to store, then go to car" we accept their compromise because it means we all get to go to the car hassle free in a few minutes. If we "put our foot down" and exercised some imagined parental authority, nobody (us included) would have a good time getting to the car.

We consider it our responsibility to teach and model correct/acceptable behavior for our kids without enforcing "authority". I want my kids to question everything, and they do. I don't want to give them a blueprint for being manipulated, like the original poster was saying. If you teach them that their teacher/parent/uncle/brother/aunt/grandma/granddad have absolute power over them... well the worst thing that can happen is it will become true.

And I disagree that you should not question all authority. The only authority you need is your own. Most of the time you will agree (eg. you shouldn't rob a store cause the cops will kill you and your victem will be out what is rightly his). But when we have things like a madman running the U.S. it would be nice if more people understood how to think for themselves. I question everything, but I still pay taxes, have a mortgage, have kids, don't speed, don't do drugs, etc etc.

Very good article

excerpt;

Psych, also not to mention it's easy to overwhelm a young girl just by being a good looking male. If they're not used to feeling crushy on someone, it'll be like *vrooom!* their brain goes flying out their head. I know from personal experience, nothing happened, thank goodness cause my conscience finally kicked me in the backside, and said I need to tell my parents.

I was a victim of an atheist....come again????? Religion dosn't create these monsters, they tend to hide where the victims are, including public schools. I've worked several years with boys who were molest victims, not one was molested by someone in the church. I was also molested by a Sunday school teacher, and yeah....he was a cover up, that church paid a very high price and rightfully so. But the worse will be when they stand before God on the judgement day.

oh FYI the guy from the church....it was a Baptist Church not Catholic.

I've never felt it right to allow anyone to interfere with my walk with Christ, I don't know why he didn't stop it, in this world people choose evil when they turn their backs on what they know is right and victims are in their path. Unfair, unjust, but no I never blamed God. Expecally when self righteous hypocrits cover up. And reality is these molestors act like such victims. My response to them is, "You are an adult, no child is capable of over powering you." I don't molest children and I was a victim, so no excuse for anyone else to. What angers me is, many children who perp are punished and not given treatment, where as their perps walk free. I've seen this alot.