Need quick advice on talking to 3rd graders about Asperger's

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My third-grade son has Aperger's and Tourettes. He really wants me to go talk to his class about the diagnoses, as he's getting a lot of "you're wierd" in reaction to some of his tics and stimming, and kids not wanting to play with him because they think they "might get it too."
I need to make sure I don't make matters worse.
His teacher has been very supportive and set up a time for me to talk tomorrow -- he was happy to give me anytime, but my son wants it done tomorrow, and he's been really stressing about this.

I would love any advice you could give.

Here's what I'm thinking -- be sure to tell me if you think anything is wrong or could be better.

First the class:

His class has about 25 students, and it is an arts infusion program, which combines academic studies with all of the arts. The fusion with the arts is NOT performance-based; it's instead a way to integrate physical, visual, and creative learning with academics. My son loves the curriculum, and most of the kids are into the curriculum as well.

There's a broad spectrum of ability, from kids who can read on the 8th grade level to a couple who are still at 1st grade and getting help from aides.

My idea:

To keep it short (about 10 minutes, 15 at most considering questions coming from kids).

Show a visual of a light spectrum roughly three feet long and discuss how there's spectrums for everything in life. For example, soccer ability some at one end of spectrum, others at another end, most in the middle.
Show that the kid who is at one end of the soccer spectrum might be on the other end of the spectrum for pitching a baseball, and then do this for art/music.


Talk about how no one is going to fit on just one end or the other end of the spectrum for every single categorie. Everyone is going to have strengths and weaknesses, or fall more to the middle. It's just that we all differ according to what those strengths and weaknesses are.

Discuss the spectrum in terms of seeing, hearing, smelling ...

Remind them of their old classmate Nic, who had severe breathing difficulties that resulted in a lot of noise. How that could be bothersome to be trying to work and hearing that all the time. How did they react to him because they were feeling overloaded by his breathing ...

Show where my son is on the spectrum, that he is more toward the end for sensing visually and hearing, so he's always getting this information coming to him. Sometimes he gets overloaded and he needs to huff, bounce up and down and rub his thighs and knees. It's his way of dealing with that.

Now, when they see him doing that, how do they feel? Does it scare them? Irritate them? Make it so they can't do their work?

What can they do to deal with this issue? Does telling him he's weird stop him? No, it just makes him more upset, so it stims more.

Did they tell Nic he was weird? No, because they knew he couldn't help with his breathing. It's the same for my son.

Is making him more upset by calling him wierd helping them? Ask for ideas.

Tell them it's okay to say, "Hey, I'm irritated." He'll understand and move away. "I can't do my work," also would be a good clue to remind him that maybe he should leave the classroom (teacher permits it).

Be direct and honest with him so he knows exactly where you're coming from.

Does this sound like I'm on the right track?

I think that you are definitely on the right track.

If you can, I think it's a good idea to sit as much as you can during this talk -- at their level. If they are on the floor, and you are sitting in a chair, it's more intimate and less-threatening.

I like how open you are planning on being with the kids calling him "weird". You might say something a long the lines of "yeah, I kind of think it's weird too, but then when I know more about it, I'm more understanding. I do stuff that my son thinks is weird, too. We all have little quirks or things that we do that are weird -- but there's always of handling these situations that won't make anyone feel bad about themselves." Something like that.

Maybe you could talk about a child that you grew up with who had a difference, and how you felt about that child, how their differences maybe scared you, or annoyed you, etc. But now you are the parent of somebody with a difference, and you can see that he's just like everyone else, he just has a few things that are different about him, and you enjoy him.

I like the idea of a discussion about whether it's beneficial to call a child "weird" or not, and I really like your ideas for being honest about other things the children could say rather than "you're weird."

I've always wondered if it would be a good way to teach kids if you turned on a television loudly, and then a boom box, and then lawn-mowing sounds, and talking noises, and simulate the quick flashing of lights -- all at the same time -- to simulate what every day might be like for him, that he doesn't have the ability to filter out what's unimportant noise, and doesn't have the ability to only focus on what's important.

Maybe you could also talk about how they could be helpful to your son. This would appeal to the more nurturing girls in the room. Whoever sits next to him can help him stay on task when the whole class is doing an assignment. If he has trouble paying attention while in the lunch line, maybe the other kids could help him with this. If he has a rough time learning how to play kickball, or another kind of outdoor game, they could first of all invite him to play, and then be patient as he learns the skills.

I think you have a real opportunity to help not only him, but every other child on the autism spectrum that these other kids might come across.

Good luck -- and report back when you have talked with the class!

Kris

Nick Dubin has written a great book about Asperger syndrome and bullying. I just finished reading it and I believe it has a good section in it that explicitly discusses suggestions for how to tell a class about AS. The basic idea was to start by emphasizing some of the good aspects of Aspergers and then move on to discuss some of the reasons that people with AS do things that may seem "weird" to typical children.

I think that you're doing a wonderful thing for your son. :O)

great idea ! just remember though, you're talking about 3rd graders.....anything too long, and they'll totally tune out.

Sounds good. An idea you might find helpful too is how our paediatrician explained the spectrum to us. He used the illustration of a pack of cards, and people getting dealt different amounts of "autistic symptom" cards in life (ie. we are all on the spectrum). For example, NTs might have been dealt 1-2 cards out of a pack of 54, a high-functioning autistic person might have 8, and a severely autistic person might have a much larger amount. I thought this was a great way to explain it as it's a more inclusive approach, rather than saying that their is "normal" and "weird".

It could not have gone any better than it did, I think.

The kids were attentive and asked great questions, and when we talked about Kade's tics, more than half the kids, both boys and girls, opened up about things they do when they get stressed out, from hiding their hands in their pockets and wiggling their fingers to crossing their arms and tapping their chests and more.

I was shocked to see so many of the boys being so ready to discuss these things, especially given that they also discussed how they try to keep all of that hidden!

I really appreciate your advice. I didn't use the cards as a visual (I forgot them in the rush), but we did talk about how everyone is on the spectrum, and that was one of the things that prompted the kids to start discussing the various traits and habits they have that are Aspie-ish!

They stayed at their desks Which are arranged in two semicircles, the one behind higher than the rest, so I sat in a chair. That also helped.

We kept away from all talk of "normal" and "abnormal."

And thanks so much for the discussion of the sensory overload example. I integrated it, and it led us to talk about why my son talks so loud and gets right up in people's faces. I even used the example of them being locked in a cubboard with lights fIashing and all different kinds of music and voices carrying on. It was like light bulbs went up over every kid's head and they were so quick to be more empathic towards my son and how they can remind him more kindly.

And, they were so into it, I felt comfortable talking about another matter that I was going to leave for another day, how my son is so stressed out when someone tells him they have a secret and then doesn't reveal it. I had been afraid to discuss it, thinking some kids might use this as a weapon against him, but there was a perfect segway into it, and the kids seemed so open to discuss how that's just plain mean to taunt somebody like that, let alone somebody like my son.

Only time will tell if any of it sank in, but I was heartened.

I was especially heartened by how many of the kids raised their hands and readily volunteered what they saw as strengths of my son, why they liked to be around him.

ANd, then I nearly cried when one little girl raised her hand and asked, "When is it okay to call yourself weird, or tell yourself that you are stupid."

The teacher could not have been any quicker or firmer with his answer: "Never. It is never okay. Because there is no such thing as a wierd kid, ever, and nothing a child could ever do is stupid. Yes, you make mistakes. Yes, you need to learn a lot. But not one of you is weird or stupid, so no, never, ever say those words to yourself."

Later, the little girl said that sometimes she says that to herself, and sometimes she hears my son say it to himself. She said that she's going to try really hard never to say it to herself again, and when she hears my son say it, she's going to remind him that he "is NOT!" And then he promised he would try the same.

I've got my fingers crossed that this works, but already I feel so darn lucky to have a teacher who would open up his classroom like that, who would add so many good things to the discussion.

BTW, He was so receptive, we ended up having this discussion for an HOUR. Can you believe that?

Thank you again SO MUCH for your help and your encouragement.

so glad it worked out well for you