reaching new heights of crappy parenting today

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I am SO MAD at myself this morning!

My son (11 years old) and I were having a nice, relaxing morning, sitting around waiting for the bus to show up, when I made the huge mistake of putting something into his binder. I discovered a completely empty (uncompleted) assignment, given to him the day school let out for Thanksgiving vacation. Apparently in science they watched a Bill Nye movie, and had this sheet with questions on it that they were supposed to fill out during the movie. Obviously, my son completely zones out during these movies. Had I known that it was completely unfilled out, I would have been able to contact a neighbor and we could have easily filled out the sheet, with the help of a friend who has the same teacher in science, over the vacation.

I flew into a complete fit over this -- tried to get him to complete some of the sheet before he got onto the bus, with only five minutes of time, and I was totally irrational and crazy. He, of course, was very upset, and began to cry. So we go outside to wait for the bus, and as he leaves, I see him sitting by himself, and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Zoning out during classes is a hallmark of this whole diagnosis -- why can't I be more understanding of that? Why didn't I check his binder when he got home last Wednesday? Why don't I understand that dealing with this later would have been a better way of handling it, rather than upsetting him on his way to school? I just got mad at my husband for doing something somewhat similar to this, and what do I do? THE EXACT SAME THING!

What kind of person does this to a sweet, kind, wonderful kid who may already have problems at school without the added detriment of being made upset just before he gets on the bus? ARGGGHHH! What is wrong with me!

We all make mistakes. The way you feel about it now shows that understand your mistake, can learn from it, and should move on.

I understand that you are upset about the state you sent your son off to school in, but there is no way to go back and fix that now.

Talk to him when he gets off school, let him know that you handled that wrong, and move forward keeping the lesson in your mind.

Apologize and forgive yourself.

Its the best you can do.

You are not the first mom, or the last mom, who has found an assignment at the last moment and reacted like this....My daughter, who is autistic with MR, also zones out at times...in her middle school years, I told her it was both of our responsibilies to check the book bag, lay whatever is important out on the table, and finish it before it is due..... Do not be so hard on yourself, when your child gets home, you will do what a mom does best, encourage him, lift him up again, talk with him, and let him know all things are going to be ok...

What kind of person does this to a kid? A human being with flaws like anybody else. THere is not a parent on this planet that hasn't done something like you did that morning. THe difference is as "alei" said you recognize that it was wrong - there are some people that don't have that realizaiton.

The most important thing to do is forgive yourself and apologize to your son immediately. I think many kids don't get that from their parents enough and they desperately need to know that everything is not their fault and they are not made to think that they do everything wrong but that sometimes mom and dad do too mess up.

By the way I probably do something like this with my son about once a week - I know my son very well but sometimes the frustration that his aspie tendencies bring is too much for me and I lose it. I always hate myself for it but then apologize and move on.

i think so many of us have been there..........as others have said, an apology can go a long way. it helps them to realize that even you make mistakes. it gives them the opportunity to learn about forgiveness....it gives you the opportunity to forgive yourself.

Everybody's comments are pretty much right on. Yes, it's wrong to force a situation minutes before the bus. ON the other hand, 11 years old is old enough to know he should admit that he has unfinished work in his backpack.

I am not diagnosed yet, but am very sure I am an Aspie. Your post touched me in a peculiar way, and I thought I'd share.
I am pushing hard at 40, but remember when I was a child and went through these same things. My mother did some of the same things you did, but never understood that I could not help what I was doing. She thought I was 'on a bad path', and just determined to be a screw-up. She would shout at me for missing assignments, not turning them in, doing part of them but not completing them, but never once had the thought to go back and try and understand the problem. It was just my 'bad path' that was to blame. None of this behavior inspired me to 'straighten up and fly right', as she put it.
It is a wonderful thing that your child is diagnosed, as I was (and still am) not, and that he has a mother willing to work on these very issues. As everyone has pretty much said, go back to him, tell him you handled that wrong, and don't beat yourself up. A lot of us on this site (disclaimer: I am very new) have gone through a lot of very hard things in our lives dealing with various things, and at least some of us have had little in the way of understanding, even from our own parents. The fact that you recognize you could have handled it better means to me that you--and your son, are ahead of the game. You will both be fine.
Please don't feel bad about what you did. I am a parent myself, and understand well that we want our children to do well, and that every parent on the planet makes mistakes on a daily basis.
Cheers to you for wanting to do better with your son.

When I was a child, like the last post, mymom had very little patience with me..She would always yell at me, USE YOUR HEAD!! !! ! I tried, I tried, but I could not use my head enough....... years later, at age 39, I saw myself strongly as an Aspie, and my mom related she too has similar traits...why couldn't she be patient with me?

My mom always said that I was "book-smart but had no common sense".

We all have our days! I get frustrated with my son sometimes, and then I feel like the worst mother in the world. Don't beat yourself up .

It's so easy to see the mistakes others make and give them advices but changing one's self is soooo hard. You are human and things like this will keep happening and that doesn't make you a bad mother, nobody is meant to be perfect. Besides your kid needs to learn that zoning out is not good most of the times, if you don't teach him that the world will many years from now, but a calm explanation will work better than yelling at him.

Lots of good advice here.

I agree that the fact you brought this up here means you DO recognize what's going on, even if after the fact.

You are a caring person/parent... otherwise the way you reacted would not bother you and instead you would just be blaming your kid.

Be proud of yourself for this reason.


You might take time to look back at some things...
-Can you two try something different as far as school binders? Open them up on a special table when he first gets home, or something else.
-Going back to this morning... can you remember what you were first feeling just prior to finding your son's un-finished homework?
At what point did your feelings change and can you think of the specific triggers that caused your mood to change?
-What is it that brings out such a strong emotion when your son makes mistakes such as not completing his homework or even mentioning that he has any?

What I have had to learn over the years is to pay more attention to my physical feelings prior to getting into certain situations.
Sometimes I can even recognize the triggers that are going to make me feel and act in a certain manner and prevent that from occurring.

It's not foolproof... I still don't control things as good as I'd like to all the time.

I have always seen my daughter as another person... meaning, I have never looked at her as a child in the way I think other parents see their kids. Something along the line of them acting like they have to lord over their children instead of treating them as if they have the same rights, desires, and feelings that the parent does.

I do recognize she is/was a child. But I have taken time... many times... to sit down and explain things to her. Not just about her mistakes... but mine also.
What I have not done is to grovel at her feet for acceptance by apologizing too profusely. I have never wanted her to bear the burden of 'making dad feel better'.

I see parenting as a responsibility to teach and help.

I can see this may seem like I'm just posting about myself, but I am trying to address your post.

What I do in situations like yours is this...

When my daughter gets home from school (I actually pick her up when she's with me), I first let her tell me about her day... let her speak.
I then remind her of this morning.
Here's an example of what I might say to her at times like this...

me: "You know... I was thinking about this morning and I owe you an apology for the way I acted towards you.". "I understand you don't mean to forget homework. I get frustrated sometimes because I don't always know how to help you remember. Next time, I'll try to remember not to make you work on it minutes before the bus arrives. But we do need to think of something that can help you to remember your homework after you get home".

Our daughter is very much like me and my ADD/HD ways.
Because of this, I understand that the 'regular' method I see parents use to teach their children just does not work for people like me and my daughter.
I always teach her, and do so by example, that even if my brain has a hard time keeping up with my duties, I am still responsible for the consequences of my actions.
I also have to allow that I am trying hard to do things correctly, that I really do want to be successful and that I'm not just blowing things off for the hell of it.

I want her to understand these things because they ring true with her also.

Listen to your son... if he says he really is trying... I'm sure he is.
The key is finding something that works better than what is not working at the moment, and understanding that next semester you might need to take a new look at your strategies.

Our daughter is 14. I have just recently gotten into the habit of asking about her homework... everyday she's with me... and then following up with her shortly after she was to get started.

I find for myself that I will not get any decent amount of homework done for my classes if I attempt to do them anywhere other than at school.
And even then... I need to either use one of the private study rooms at the library, or pull a hoodie over my head, where my iPod headphones, and tune out the world so I can concentrate on my work.
I also need to have music playing (usually something like Staind, Linkin Park, Seether, etc.) to stimulate some part of my brain so I can use the rest to work.

What I'm getting at, is there is probably something unique you all can discover to help both your son and yourself to succeed with his schoolwork and getting him on track to remember it.

People always give this line... "Well! You brush your teeth everyday, don't you? If you remember that, why can't you remember to ______?"

They don't understand my brain does not work like theirs. It can take a long time for me to establish a new habit/routine to the point where I remember it easily.

Same thing with your son and possibly your husband.

Anyway, I'm dragging this out too long probably. Sorry.

I applaud what you have done by recognizing what happened and what it means to you.

You will be a fine parent by doing so.

Hope things go well after school today!

You're human. Forgive yourself and get over it. LOL! We all make mistakes. There is no such thing as perfection. You are doing the best that you can to give your son what he needs. I wish I had had parents who knew of my diagnosis and helped with my special needs instead of neglecting and ignoring me since I was such a good student- I have 2 brothers with severe dyslexia, so my issues fell under the radar.

My DD does what you did to your son, but to herself. Seriously. This morning, she got out her agenda and realized that she'd not written a summary of a story she was supposed to do. She freaked, figured she had 10 minutes until she needed to leave, and rushed to do it. I tried to convince her it was ok and that her teacher would allow her to either do it at recess or during anotehr time of the school day when she didn't have anything to do- miss smarty pants finishes her work fast. Well, I strained my leg very badly climbing up and down the ladder a million times(favoring a bumb knee so leading with other leg) stringing X-mas lights Sunday and I can barely walk. I needed her help getting Kindergardener ready for school- and she was all stressed out and freaking out about everything- nearly had a meltdown. It was an awful situation- Hubby's laid up with a blood clot in his leg ad is absolutely no help the past few weeks. I felt awful for having to put extra stress on her and she was already stressed out. She has massive anxiety problems and I'll be taking her to a psych after the 1st of the year.

Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. Perfection is a myth.

Wow Jenny, sorry to hear about all the happenings at your home.

Hope everyone heals okay!

Tough stuff.

I have to express my sincere gratitude to all of you. Your kind messages, so thoughtful, understanding, and full of helpful advice, honestly made me cry.

My sweet son comes home, as always, with a big smile on his face. I apologized, and as is his usual way, he was quick, so quick to forgive me.

Along with being more diligent in checking his backpack daily for forgotten homework, and trying to figure out a way to get HIM to do that for himself, I need to THINK before I speak. Would I react in a positive way if some adult was in my face, angry, trying to get me to do something that I CANNOT DO? That's the real point here. I've been angry about this issue before, we've talked multiple times about taking notes in class -- and yet he doesn't do it. He gets wonderful grades otherwise -- he just can't seem to really pay attention in class. He will do the homework, study for tests, and is a hard worker -- he just can't pay attention in class. Maybe I should just live with that fact, and help him do the best he can to make up for not paying complete attention in class by doing everything else.

Also, today a good friend reminded me -- it's my son's first few months in middle school, which is an adjustment for ANYONE. As has already been pointed out in this thread, it takes a long time to get into the routine, and he's probably doing amazingly well considering his needs.

I really hope that someday I can lift you guys up when you've had a bad day -- because every one of you certainly did that for me today.

Kris

Well, I wasn't having an especially bad day, but your post has cheered me up that last little bit!

I'm glad he came home happy and you two are fine together again!

sorry about my long diatribes... sometimes I just get carried away....