birthday blues in an aspie house

Post Reply New Topic

feeling sorry for myself, sorry.......
was my birthday today. i grew up in a neglectful household where i had to fight for every bit of attention i ever got.....this is only relevant to my birthday because i felt like i had to fight for any bit of attention today.made my own birthday cake last night. woke everyone up this a.m., like usual...made them breakfast....took son to school....went to work....came home to empty house ( hubby, who's aspie, had taken aspie son to therapist & brought ADHD daughter with them~hubby suggested this as a treat for me so that i could have the house to myself...something he enjoys, me ~not so much). hubby calls to say they're going to pick up birthday presents on the way home. daughter suggests that they get me a penguin Webkinz~she says this is a win-win situation for both of us. I get the penguin, which i collect, and she gets the code so she can use it on her Webkinz account on the computer.....i order take out & go get it....i get back home, and still no one's home.i settle in to watch a little tv, and then the carload pulls up. i get up to greet everyone. son comes in and gives me a great big hug ( i think this was my BEST birthday present !). son then proceeds to leave the room, enter the living room, change the tv to Nintendo, sit in my seat & prop up his feet. daughter plops down next to him~ effectively leaving no room for me .....they watch me open my birthday present, then hubby switches on the computer & kids go back to playing Nintendo.........felt so alone.....wanted to cry....but what do you do?....it's not like they even really seem to get how hurtful it feels on this side........i tried to explain to hubby how i felt....still don't think he gets it....
sometimes i'm just so very , very, very tired of having to explain things....of having to fight to get recognition, attention, affection.....i love my family so much, but sometimes it is just all too much to deal with.

Hugs to you Ster and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm sorry you're feeling down and alone.

I for one can't understand since I hate having a fuss made, HATE being the center of attention and dread even family B-day parties- my b-day and Father-in-law's are one day apart so we often celebrate together. I hate birthdays, but for a completely different reason than you. My b-day is also just 5 days before X-mas, so that's always been another reason to hate it. Your b-day events sound like heaven to me. LOL! I'd love if my kids came in and turned on their games and left me alone and were quiet. Haha!

I can understand feeling alone in a household of people. I get that for sure. There's been so many times when I felt so alone, when nobody understood me- Hubby is AS and VERY apathetic and insensitive which causes a lot of problems with overly-needy, overly-sensitive AS daughter. He just doesn't seem to "get it". I used to be just like her, so I understand her much better and often have to intervene on her behalf- hubby can be such a petulent child at times. LOL! I don't let it get to me personally any more- I understnad him well enough to know better, but DD doesn't understand when he's teasing, etc. Sometimes I feel so alone as a parent in trying to understand my children and I'm AS too. Ugh.

Hey Mom,
MERRY BIRTHDAY to you! You've survived another year and have not murdered anyone. An accomplishment for you.
Your kids won't care about your birthday until their late twenties. Or thirties.
Looking at your family configuration, I remember my mother's admonition, Don't ever ask anyone for what they're not going to give you. Next year, start announcing maybe a month in advance that you are going to celebrate your birthday by going away so they can clean the house for you. (One doubts they will, but who knows?) Then disappear for a day. Go to that restaurant you would like your husband to take you to but he never will. If you can find a girlfriend to go to a museum or spa or store or movie, go and shamelessly indulge yourself and buy yourself the birthday present your fantasy family would buy you. If you have to save all year to do it, do so. And don't forget your mom's birthday.
Hugs to you.

thanks for the replies....
the thing is, i'm not generally the sort of person who likes all the attention to be on myself~ i just want 1 day. 1 day where maybe, just maybe i can be the most improtant thing that's "going on".......i, too, have a "holiday birthday". many years, my birthday gets lumped in with Thanksgiving......As for celebrating without the family~ well, i have started to go & do things without them...i just wanted some recognition from the people i spend the most time with. the people i love the most.

Here is a late HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STER! I'll have to finish later my rugrats are being very demanding. Hang in there, WE need you here on WP!


Love, Corsarzs

Ster, my birthday was on Saturday. Yep, every 6 years mine falls on Thanksgiving and I lose a birthday. I wrote a thread about it on the General Autism forum, asking about accepting gifts that I didn't want.
I had to make my own cake and had to hear all sorts of complaints from my son. We also "celebrated" on Friday because my husband never requests my birthday off.

I don't have any advice because I'm having a similar problem.

KimJ~ so sorry you're in the same predicament.............most days i deal with the frustration in stride. just seem to be having a hard time with this.

That is certainly understandable!! My son's birthday is 3 days after Christmas and I try very hard to make it special for him.

((((Hugs)))) and Happy Birthday!! !! !! !!

I understand. I've been in similar situations. Then having my birthday on December 7 makes it even worse. No one my age can celebrate then because its finals week. No one older has the money to celebrate because they are doing christmas shopping. last year i did nothing.

As a child the most frequent response I was given to anything I asked for as a birthday gift was, "Well christmas is coming up..." Needless to say I never got as many gifts for my birthday as my siblings did on theirs, and I never was given a nice gift either.

This year I've made plans for a totally silly party at my bfs house but already things are falling into place that might prevent that. If so i might not have a party or any birthday recognitin once again.

Next year, order yourself a big ballon bouquet/cookies/gift from some place and arrange to have it delivered when the family is home. If they ask who its from just say its from someone who wanted to make sure you had a great birthday

*****************HAPPY BIRTHDAY********************


It was my boys birthday yesterday as well yay. (he was 9)

Two years ago I had to organize my own birthday, I had some help from my sister though, and it started a tradition. It started as a joke but took off and turned into the best party I had ever had. (the only adult party I ever had) I had a fairy party! Just like you would for a little girl. We all dressed up, had fairy bread, fairy cakes and then lol some got very fairy drunk. I only had a handful of people over, I think about 6 ( no boys!! !!) My brother in-law had all the boys and they had boys night. The next party we had was a cinderella ball for one of my sisters, then just recently a bogus bali party (lots of pampering, massages,mud packs,tropical cocktails asian foods).
You need to organize your next birthday, start now. People will fall in with your plans mostly if you let them know what you want. You desrve a special day.

Any way again a big fat HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! !! !! !! lots of hugs
aurea.xoxoxox

thanks all.... i think i just needed to vent. feeling better today

Happy Birthday Ster

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. Heck, I'm an aspie myself and sometimes I feel alone. I guess I'm closer to NT than my hubby is? lol I don't know. Rarely do I feel real cuddly or wanting attention, but in the rare moments I do they generally don't coincide with anyone else around here feeling the same. Both of my children are autistic, my husband is aspie, and the affection quotient around here is low. Don't get me wrong, we're not a family of robots or anything, not by any means. They simply don't need or desire a lot most of the time in the way of affection and interaction. Most of the time, I'm very okay with that. Sometimes, I too would just like one day where it could be "normal-ish", everything could feel special, someone could make a big deal about me for a minute. So I get you.

It sounds like they did their very best. For aspies, sometimes it's just really hard, as I'm sure you know. Always remember that how an aspie feels about you inside is not always measureable by what they display outwardly. Rarely, in fact, is that the case. For people not on the spectrum, it can be a very isolated feeling, no matter how much you love and accept your family who are on the spectrum. I have those days too! Usually I feel sorry for myself, maybe cry a little, and the next day I'm much better.

I hope your birthday turned out alright. Sending lots of happy thoughts your way

ster, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! ! !

ster and KimJ, we obviously need to get together for our birthdays, because if we don't celebrate them, nobody will!

I, too, had my birthday on Thanksgiving! (that's so funny, KimJ, that you and I share the same birthday)

I made the HUGE mistake of telling everyone to not worry about gifts, because I couldn't think of what I would want -- too busy planning for Thanksgiving. Well, they didn't do a cake, only my NT daughter remembered to wish me a happy birthday. My own sister came to Thanksgiving (at my house, doing the lion's share of the cooking) and never remembered that it was my birthday. Yes, I felt forgotten and down.

BUT, I thought, hey, it's up to me to cheer myself up (cause the family sure ain't gonna do it!). I vowed that the next time this happens, I will have in mind something I can do to make myself happy -- I don't quite know what that would be, but I'm guessing it will involve yarn (I love to knit). It still bothers me that your family (and mine) didn't do a whole lot for my birthday -- I don't think that feeling will ever go away -- but I can use it as a good excuse to spend money on myself (which I rarely do)!

ster, I think you handled your situation very well. It seems as if our families give a stab at the birthday thing, but they often fall short. Wouldn't it be funny if we bought our own birthday gifts, wrapped them up, decorated the birthday table, cooked a nice meal, and had dinner with our family with a big smile on our face, and then said "OK, people -- this is how it's SUPPOSED TO BE DONE! So next year, this is what I expect!" After all, aren't we supposed to provide a script for our aspie children/families?

I think we mothers are all in the same boat as far as birthdays. If they continue to do a cruddy job, we should just plan an aspie mother's birthday retreat! Sound good?

Kris

i think we should definitely plan a "holiday birthday club".....the only people who could join would be people whose birthday falls between Thanksgiving and Christmas. what do you think?

I discussed the birthday with the therapist yesterday and she recommended that I go to the store where I wanted the present, put it on hold and then tell my husband to go get it for me. That just sounds so. . . beggy.

Holiday Birthday Club sounds good to me.

Sorry about all that glad you could vent. Next year will be better