father alienation

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Hi, I'm new to the site. I have an 11 yr. old son who is diagnosed with asperger's. He has been having trouble with anger management, especially when visiting his father and stepmother (every other weekend). They take him to counseling, to which I am not privy to what goes on. His father recently sent me a letter saying his son is no longer welcome in his home. How do I explain this to my son?

Show him the letter, then tell him that he will always be welcome in your home, and that it's because you will always love him.

I guess I'm really afraid of how this will affect him as he sometimes gets depressed and talks about suicide. His sister will still continue the visits. Thanks

I agree with the other poster. Make sure your son knows he is welcome in your home and that you love him. As for his dad, I would explain that parents sometimes let their kids down..but, it's not the end of the world. Your son can live a good life without his dad (make sure he knows that).

I don't think I would show him the letter though. I would say that he is no longer going on visitation to his dad's. Your son might not mind so much. Sounds like the visitation was not good if they were taking him to counseling.

If your ex continues visitation with the one child and not the other, then he sounds pretty messed up. I would try to find a way to stop the visitation with the sister.

I think his father thinks of it as a punishment and that his son will feel so bad for his past behavior that he will beg to come back and learn how to behave "better".

Ugh, I am right mad at the father right now. Does he get his child AT ALL?

I would explain it to your son as a weakness of his father. Tell him that his father is confused and trying to figure out how to be a good father to his son, but doesn't know how to do that, and for some odd reason seems to believe that cutting off visits for the time being is the way to go. Let your son know that you do believe his father loves him, but adults can have their own problems, and sometimes they don't know what to do, which seems to be the case with his father.

And tell him that you really look forward to the one on one time the two of you are going to get when his sister goes visit Dad without him. Plan to make that time really special.

Then continue being the absolute best parent you can be for your son.

While I agree with everyone who is saying you should support your son and make sure that he knows that you will always be there for him, I am not sure you should be the one relaying this information from his father. If his father is being such a jerk that he won't let his own son into his home, let him be the one to tell him. Why should you have to be the bad guy on this? You can be there to comfort and reassure and pick up pieces, but if the father is making the mess, let him make it. If he doesn't have the guts to tell his son he won't allow him in his house, why should you have to? He's being awful, and letting you do the dirty work. I also don't think it's healthy for either child for him to continue visits with one and not the other. Is there a custody order? You might want to check out its wording. What message does it send your daughter, about both your son, and about her potential status with her father if she does something he doesn't like, if her father can just ban your son from his home. He's playing favorites, and that's unacceptable parenting behavior. You don't get to choose which child you're going to "keep." If you have a therapist and/or lawyer that you consult with, I would do that before doing anything.

Jat made some really good points. I thought the whole thing would be weird for your daughter, but I had not thought about the message it would send to her. Jat is right, that message will be unhealthy for her, as well.

A parent should not be able to pick and choose among his children, even if we're talking visitation v. custody. In any normal situation, a parent just does not have that option, and there are good reasons for it.

Since his father and stepmother are paying for the kid's counseling, let them pay for the damage they've caused.

My parents pick and choose what child to acknowledge, who gets to have their birthday celebrated. it's awful. i've cut ties with them because this was tearing apart our household.....i mean how can anyone comprehend that b.s. without feeling like they're the unloved one ????
don't let your ex make you the bad guy. if there's a visitation schedule, then he is supposed to follow it or you take him back to court for non-compliance.

Also ...

I would suggest that your son may not have a problem with anger management as much as an issue with sensory input mitigation, prediction, and control. AS tend to melt down, find themselves unable to cope, more than actually experiencing anger. Which is manageable by learning the triggers and developing coping techniques. If the father and his wife have made no effort to get to the core of the meltdowns, they can't expect the child to.

My son cannot deal with unexpected changes in routine or outcome, "playing things by ear" on an outing, too many people, too much noise, and so on. Knowing these things helps me plan his day so that we don't encounter them any more than absolutely necessary, and also lets me know when to be extra sensitive to potential warning signs of overload. Before I figured all that out, I would have said my son had an issue controlling his temper, but I now know it isn't his temper, he's actually a really calm kid, it's his AS.

Yes, many AS do have anger, but it has often come from years of being misunderstood. It comes from the frustration of learning by life experience that nothing you do or say matters, it will always go wrong, so why try? I can't say if your child has had that experience in his father's home, but if he has, then it could be the source, and it will take a lot of trust building to overcome it.

Jat, what you said and others really made a lot of sense. I don't think I should have to be the one to tell him this. At this point, I am planning on having them both take the bus to his house on Friday, as planned. He can do the dirty work from there. As far as leagally, my divorce agreement states,"liberal visitation....two days per week". He is currently doing every other weekend, which is fine. I think I should ask a lawyer to clarify this. Thanks all!

Even though they take him to the therapist for anger management, you should have some contact with anyone working with your son, especially now, since this issue has come up. I can't imagine any therapist would approve this kind of approach. If the therapist has approved this, you should know why. If (as I would suspect) it doesn't make sense for your son (i.e., the therapist should be working for your son, not for his father), your son shouldn't be seeing him. If you are your son's primary custodial parent (legally, rather than physically), you have the say over medical treatment. If legal custody is joint, you and your ex are supposed to make those decisions jointly. He doesn't have the right to choose a therapist unilaterally, even if it's during the time when your son sees him. If the therapist is causing damage, you shouldn't allow it to continue. If the therapist is opposed to what your ex is proposing, you should know about it. You have to be involved, in some sense, regardless of when your son is receiving care and who is taking him for it. If your ex is trying to prevent you from having contact with the provider, I would be concerned about either the nature of the services your son is receiving, or the characterization of the advice that your ex is receiving.

We deal with a similar situation with my oldest grandson except that we initiated supervised visitation with him and his father. His father isn't abusive (although his wife has been), he's just neglectful. My grandson knows that he can't be alone with dad and stepmom until they learn how to show their love in better ways. (We figure that's the least complicated way to explain things without attacking the dad and stepmom.) It took Kaleb a while to settle in to the knowledge that he could still see his dad, just on a more limited basis, but he seems fine now. (He sees him maybe 5 or 6 times a year for a couple of hours at a time.)

In your case I would seriously try to figure out how your son feels over there. Does he feel rejected? Inappropriate? Threatened? Does he really want to go to his father's at all? I would make it clear to my ex that the kids go together, either both or none, because it really is traumatizing to both of the children to be singled out to that. And I'd look into the possibility of family mediation, possbily by an Asperger's specialist. It really sounds like dad and stepmom need to learn some parenting techniques. Just my two cents worth.

Oh, and as the custodial parent, you DO have every right to your child's therapy records. If the therapist tries to say otherwise they are breaking every law I know of.

After much thought....Last night I decided to tell my son what was going on. He thought about it for a few minutes and said, "well, I am just going to go anyway". He claims it's just what his stepmom wants, not his dad. I did not show him the letter from his father. So....guess I'll wait to see what happens when he shows up! I'm also asking my son to get a card from his counselor so that I can call her to see what's going on.......more to come.
Thanks for all the advice. It's great to have found this place....I feel better just knowing others understand.

Your son sounds like an insightful child. My son is, too, actually. Most of the time, although as I typed that I started of thinking of some of the many situations where he concluded wrong and it really was funny, actually, because when he is off it's downright strange what he comes up with.

ANYWAY, I hope it turns OK for your son, and that he will be able to cope. He will be walking into a difficult situation, but I am glad that it will be his choice, fully aware.