Converting to an Aspie-centered household

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As of yesterday morning my family is on a rigid weekly schedule. All our activities will now happen on the same days at the same times. I understand that the Aspies on this forum are breathing a collective sigh of relief with my husband and son, but I am terrified.

The idea of having two days in a row with no chaos makes me itch, and I have no idea how I'm going to handle a lifetime of it. For example, we chose our church because it had multiple services that we could attend as other aspects of our schedule changed. Now, we are committed to the 11am Sunday service, only.

My idea of normal includes deciding to take the family to an amusement park on 20 minutes notice. The new normal may halt the meltdowns and ease the transitions for E, but I may just start having my own meltdowns instead!

Any moral support? Anyone?

well I dont know what would be perfect, but your family is you, your husband and your son. even though it's 2 to 1, things should be like you want them as well, and not only how they want it.

Yeah, I agree. It would drive me spare to be so rigidly scheduled. Did somebody suggest doing all this? Perhaps it would be best to aim to do some things at the same time every week but leave so wiggle room for plans not working out. That's how things happen in real life so Aspie kids can't be protected completely from plans being changed.

Feels a little strange doesn't it?

I had the same thought when I re-arranged our family to suit the kids with AS better. I was used to deciding things at the last minute and figured we had to go-go-go like every other family I knew.

What I found was, not only did we lose the meltdowns, suicide threats and general tension for all 4 of my kids, I gained a peace of mind that I haven't had since the kids were born. Life is slower now. We have time to relax and thoroughly enjoy each other. I've gotten to know the kids and who they are far better than I would have if we were still running all over the place.

And the strangest thing, I love knowing more or less what each day will bring. I have ADHD, I never thought I'd be happy to have a routine.

Give it some time and you may come to view the new routine as a blessing.

Good luck,
Lauri

perhaps you'll only feel the need to do this for the short-term.... the problem with adhering to a strict schedule is that it doesn't really help with their ability to be flexible...or become more flexible...........i'd consider adding a little wiggle room

+1
They need to learn, long term, how to adapt to the unexpected. I'd start off for a month or two, to see how it feels, with the rigid schedule, then warn a day or two ahead of changes, then just occasionally try something minor out of the blue, and try to find where you're able to fit. They can probably deal with some flexibility, the hard part is going to be figuring out how much is too much, and so to start with you'll need to be completely rigid.
Also... take some time for yourself. If the scheduling is going to drive you crazy, take a night a week for yourself, and just do whatever you want, on the spur of the moment. The key to dealing with difficult aspergians is to allow yourself some time away so you can deal with your own feelings. If it constantly dominates your life without any time to yourself, it will drive you insane, you're right.

Last edited by mmaestro on 07 Jan 2008, 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A schedule can be used as a help. But sometimes it helps already when kids know when to expect something, or on what day. Or an approximate time, or a certain order of things.

My son likes to know the big things to expect for the upcoming week, but he doesn't want each day precisely scheduled. If I did that, I think we'd have more behavior problems. I tell him at the start of the day what we have to accomplish by day's end and he gets some control over when he does each task (he's homeschooled). Sometimes, he'll choose the hardest thing first to get it out of the way...or, sometimes, he saves the worst for last.

I'm the husband of the OP, and I gotta say first--it was HER idea

The truth is, it's already helped me keep straight our various "appointments" (having three kids to keep straight with various school times and activities can be loads of fun); we'll see how it works for my son as the week progresses, but I can say that this morning he had a SUPERB time getting ready for and going to school (after two weeks off). He had his own nervous issues and came home early, but he's been calm and accepting of my limitations all day (for example--no video games right after coming home from school with at "stomache ache"). He's currently in his room playing some semi-invented game with his younger brother and having a grand time.

Also, there is wiggle room in the schedule (although nicurn likes to wiggle a bit more widely than I do ) so the more flexible among us should have some opportunities for chaos and spontaneity. We'll see.

Block in a couple of "surprise" events every week. Two hours or so where you can do something relatively spontaneous.

Could you maybe make 1 day a week a "whatever day." A day where no one knows whats going to happen then until that day. As long as the aspies know long in advance that day will always be like that I think its okay.

and some of the hours of the rigid schedule could be "free time" for each to pursure his own individual thing

I agree with what the others are saying - routine made our household livable AND made the occasional wriggle possible The more structured things are generally, the more room there is for the occanional "oops".
Most activities are manageable if you plan them.
Generally I like routine - much more than my husband. There are some things I miss though. This doesn't really reflect routine, but lack of surplass: going out to eat as a family, visitting people - things that don't happen that often around our place, because it takes so much planning, or that people know/understand our situation.

i totally understand, i know i have to get us into a routine because everything is just so chaotic, but i am a routine rebel, i don't like the idea of eat breakfast 8:05-8:20, every day, but i am finding i also don't like the fact that i often have no idea where my day went. i know it's better for my son to have routine and schedule, he does really well and loves school and can tell me what time he does what, so i want to do it for him, but i fight it for me. i have the pposter board to write up our routine, and it's sitting in the hall. . .i'll get to it later, when i get to scheduling it in
Good luck, and thanks for this post i have enjoyed the routine advice form the others, and knowing that there are others out there like me.

Argh!!

We had a great pattern going, but E had a subsitute teacher today, so we were back to square one when he got home, and endured a marathon meltdown.

We aren't rigid as to minute-by-minute with the exception of getting to events on time, but we've set up a specific pattern for each day.

An example of our biggest trigger for meltdowns: E's martial arts school offers classes twice daily, 5 days a week. Students are required to attend any two classes during the week, and we've always attended the one most convenient for whatever else is going on.

With the new schedule, we only attend class at 3:30 Mondays and Wednesdays. During his rant, E said over and over again that the one single class he does not want to attend is Wednesday at 3:30. I think that once he's used to the uncertainty being gone he'll be much happier, but this transition from chaos to order is really, really bumpy.

I have AS and I feel quite upset at the thought of a household run on a rigid schedule. How will the child learn strategies to cope with change if there is very little change to cope with? How is it fair to the rest of the household to have to stick to schedules when this may not be in their natures? I understand starting with a strong schedule, but the young person needs to learn to cope with change, so slowly I would introduce that and teach the person how to cope. One of the best things people can do for me is to come and tell me that in a few minutes they are going to tell me about something that has to change. Then they go away so I can have a little panic in peace. They come back and tell me what the change is and I am then able to remember that I have had lots of changes and usually it works out ok. I can then deal with that. For children, I have a card for their visual timetables. The card says, "Some things might change" so that they are not locked in to a set timetable. Older children can learn to use an electronic organizer of some form and that will help them to manage change too. This is a really useful life skill.

One thing I have learned is that it is terrible to have a visual timetable and not stick to it! If the plan changes, change the timetable, then things seem to go fine.
What I am trying to say is that visual timetables actually make it possible to change routines and do new things.
On a daily basis, though, we have found it neccesary to do things pretty much the same when it comes to my autistic son: mornings and evening are the same almost 100% of the time. My other kids enjoy more flexibility. It is possible to do both to some degee, but it is incredibly hard to find a balance which suits all of the family members. Bottom line is that it is easier for the other kids to deal with routine, than the autistic kid to deal with organized chaos!
Having brothers and sisters means that NOTHING is totally predictable, anyhow!