tips needed... please

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hey as im a newbie to the whole aspergers thing, im after some tips on how to deal with my daughters behaviour, she feels when i go mad on her that im picking on and i can see how she can think that because it does seem constant but she isnt gettin the fact that she is saying and doing things to get in trouble for, now another thing i have noticed lately is everytime she gets into trouble she wants to go and take a shower, if i say no she ends up going off her head, just seems easier to allow her,... i really have no idea how im ment to help her so any tips will me very much appreciated

First Hi and welcome to the Aspie community

When your daughter gets into trouble you say: "she gets into trouble she wants to go and take a shower" this is probably a good thing, as she may need her own space down time to cool off.

She probably can not help "going off her head" as often with emotionally built up, we have emotionally overload (meltdowns) and can say and do things that we do not really mean.

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but try and wait until she has claimed down before discussing any think with her. Try and talk to her and not at her, which would make the situation worse..

We do grow and change with the the right support, often these build ups are caused from feeling misunderstood and frustrated at seeming to be at odds with every think.

The best thing you can do is read and find out as much as you can, so that your able to understand and support her.

Quote: "Kids with Asperger's (already) have difficulty making sense of the world around them, so if you throw in puberty ... it's even a more difficult time," Gatrost

She is indeed using the shower to cool off.

Can we get more info, ages, more specifics on problems, what irks you and what irks her.

Also, consider a situation where the two of you sit down and write a list of 5 things you'd like to change or do differently (and how you'd like them to be done).

The rules would be that you're not allowed to blame the other person but instead talk about your feelings and generally be positive.....

eg:
- I hate it when you shout at me to do jobs around the house (wrong)
- When you want me to do a job around the house, I'd like to be asked nicely to do it in my own time. (right)

Once you've done that, swap lists and read through them (in silence) - no bad glances, nothing...
Read it through again.
Think calm...

Take it in turns to discuss one point at a time. No blame to be attached.

It will help you grow.

BTW: I'm assuming an older daughter here - don't try this with a 7 year old.

my daughter is nearly 9, she gets verbally abusive, constantly beating up on her 11 yr old sister, has recently started getting physical with my nealy 2 yr old, just about everything irks her, its hard to know how she will respond to anything, the only time you know her mood will stay fine is if its something she enjoys doing or is looking forward to doing.

sitting down and writing the stuff down sounds like a good idea but i know she would get huffy puffy pants at me with the things id say as she has an excuse for everything.... or everything is an accident.. even when she slams someones fingers in a door and then whacks them with a book .. like in an all in 1 motion

her main problems are that she is constantly agro, its like she was born angry, she always has to have drama in her life, and is always finding issues with people and cant keep her friends, she is constantly bullied at school, i felt like a nagging old hag when i was at the school complaining all yr.. ist so tiring

No child acts like this for no reason, but you say she is bullied at schools, has no friendss, then looks like she is venting her anger and pain, socially and emotionally its hard for teenagers anyway

She really needs you behind her, how ever hard this may be. A little support and understanding really can go a long way. It doesn't matter how long or hard it is, you really need to bring all the issues out into the open, spend some time just with her and try and discuss and not argue...

Tell her you do not understand, but you want too and that your really on her side.

She is also at that age where she is beginning to change and develop to who she really is, this can be so difficult for asperger children. If you/ her need extra help or support get it, I hated everyone and everything for a while at this age, I just did not understand why I was different, no one seem to understand me or get it!

'The whole aspergers thing'-so what your saying is.....that you are new to your daughter?

Man up and take some responsibility, ...would be my first advice.

You fly off your top, and your victim is now in trouble for going to the only place she can get away from you and the world?

You asked for perspectives: I'm just trying to be strait with you.
Your daughter is no one you have ever met before.

whoah, sorry, my response was to your first post,
then...I read your second.

I still mean what I wrote though.

I know what 'I' would do.

What I don't understand is why her behavior continued beyond twice when it involved lying and harming others. I knew someone like that..... daddy's lil girl. He was actually sort of proud, like she was showing some brilliant oaks off the old branch..

Later, he was like, whoah, she's a real 'b' and is going to be wanting me to care for all these children she's spouted.

Lay it on the line to her, but know what you are saying in advance ie: the message and the expected action and non action; and take it in a strict liability fashion.

You have got to be a fair judge. To do that you actually have to know your children.

Best of luck to you old guy,
Sea

dont get me wrong when i say its tiring, i wasnt just blaming her for that i think its parenting in general, i can see she is venting in some way but im just unsure how to handle it, as i said before if i go mad on her she claims im picking on her.... and as im also trying to understand how she is thinking and so on, any suggestions as to why she can be nasty as to her family but the kid that bullied her most at school she couldnt beat up on this child?.. and the bully is her age and smaller then her

when i say im new to it i mean its only recently she was diagnosed with, ive just always assumed she was just being naughty, or after attention or something... it was only when she had a very crazy moment a few months ago that i rang mental health to find out about having an assessment on her.. which back fired on me anyway because of her being violent towards the other kids and mainly the toddler, they then had to report me to DOCS.. not that i have anything to hide form docs but i sure as hell never wanted my name on there listings.. for any reason.

i know my child but i just dont know much about the apsergers thing.. sorry if the wording offends you in anyway

Is she diagnosed with anything in particular - it is Aspergers right? not ADHD, ADD, Autism (HF or LF)? It would be good if you could familiarise yourself with the aspie condition. You might want to read through my blog (in my footer) - it covers what a lot of things feel like from the inside. An aspie book is probably even better, but the blog is free.

I'm sorry that someone called you out for parenting. That would be very unfair. You're obviously concerned about her and are seeking help. Parenting is very hard, but parenting aspies ... .wow.

The writing idea probably won't work if the problem is that she is "agro".

Lets look at the problems as you see them;

1. Anger
2. Need for Drama
3. People Skills
4. Bullying

Ok the number one easiest thing to fix is bullying. You need to find out what is really going on and the school needs to take appropriate action - bullying must not be tolerated in any form. Do you think that she tries to lead bullies on? If she just went to school and attempted to do nothing to interact with the bullies would it still happen? If so, the bullies need dealing with. That doesn't mean getting her to deal with it. That's not the way bullies should be dealt with.

The people skills can also be worked on... if she had a "coach" or a good friend as a role model that would help a lot.

That leaves the anger and the need for drama, which are obviously connected - It sounds like you think she's stirring things up. Is she bored? It would be good if you could sit down with her for about half an hour each night to just listen - not say anything. Ask her to tell you how she feels.

I know that's a big ask because of the pressures of raising a family etc at the same time but it sounds like you could both do with some bonding and some understanding of eachother.

I've also suggested a listening mode for you because she needs to get over the "disapproval phase" and feel that you're a friend, not a judge.

The other thing that could be useful, several parents do it here already, is to let her loose on these forums to ask questions of other aspies. They might help her to understand her differences and to settle a bit.

What do you do when you "go mad on her?"

Do you really go mad. If so its no surprise your tactic isnt' working.

Do you refuse to tell her what she did wrong because she should know it? If so, its no surprise your tactic isn't working.

Do you scream/yell before you discuss why the behavior is innappropriate? If so, its no surprise your tactic isn't working. Its also no surprise that she'd have an excuse for everything and stick to it no matter what.

Do you refuse to give her a few hours to unwind after school, where you don't require her to do anything? If so, its no surprise your tactic isn't working.

Do you ever show a genuine interest in things she likes, even if their the most boring, ridiculous things in the world to you? Or do you refuse to do that, make fun of those interests, thereby making it clear to her that you have no interest in her or like for her?

Do you complain about her actions pretty much everytime you're in the same room with her, or every time she comes home? If so, its no surprise your tactic isn't working.

Hey TT's while that's good advice, the way you've phrased it is a little condescending and pushy toward a parent who is obviously seeking help.

feeling_old, I might just point out that "going mad on her" is probably not going to work too well anymore (if it worked at all) since at 9 she'd be growing out of your influence. You need to look for peaceful solutions asap so that "control" becomes co-operation.

far out, all i did was ask for some tips to try and make things a little easier at home obviously i did the wrong thing, unreal seriously, your making it sound like i dont give a stuff about my child, yes i do explain things to her, yes i do take interest in the things she says and does, if i didnt a stuff about my daughter would i have gone seeking help in the 1st place, would i be on here trying to find out more about it and trying to ask for help... i wont even bother here anymore obviously your out to attack me more then help ...

feeling_old,

I'm not quite sure what happened there. I sure didn't attack you, but if it seems like I did, then I am sorry. You do seem to be a caring mother and I think it's a great thing that you've posted here. Please look at my suggestions, they may help.

As far as people attacking you goes, I'm as shocked by that as you are since I can't see what you did to attract such a reaction. One thing to bear in mind is the age of your attackers, they're obviously not parents.

Don't give up on WP yet.

try reading Ross Green's " The Explosive Child"....great tips in there on dealing with "difficult" children..............maybe counseling would be of help too. it helped us find & cultivate a different perspective on our son.

She''s afraid of him. She feels weak and insignificant when she's bullied, so she comes home and bullies her siblings to take out her frustration of being bullied and to compensate for how weak and afraid she feels at school