family bullying - venting

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We had xmas with hubbies large family, and my son did just fine - better than I had hoped for.
My son's cousin has his own "issues" largely unattended to by his parents. We haven't seen this part of the family for over a year, because last time we saw them, this child persecuted and excluded my son. I hoped it would be better, but the first thing the little s*** said to my son (instead of hello) was "your hat looks dumb, why are you wearing such a stupid hat" and when my son tried to answer (he thankfully didn't really realise just how rude this kid was being) the kid said he couldn't understand a word my son was saying because he was ret*d.
The parents didn't tell the child off. They never do. If I try to say anything, they are insulted. They are silent or walk away if we mention autism.
I don't know what to do... bringing the behavior of my nephew up will cause a fight. We tried it once before. My sister-in-law said it was good (! !!) that her son was verbally aggressive, as it was better than being physically aggressive.
My nephew is socially handicapped in his own way. He doesn't have many friends, mainly because he bullies them. He isn't on the autistic spectrum, as he is VERY VERY good at manipulating, excluding, ect.
I am so frustrated, because I don't know what to do.. should we just cut them off?! Should we talk to them about the problem again and ris a nasty situation? Why won't these people teach their children respect of people who are different, or even just to be polite?

That's a hard one to be honest.. especially since it's your family.. you can't really just exclude them.

I don't know what kind of handicap / disorder that kid has.. so I can't judge wheter his bad behavior is from his handicap / disorder or just from bad parenting / big instincts in excluding "different" people from the gene pool.

However the parents SHOULD be open minded and willing to talk about the handicap / disorder you talk about, so togheter you can come up with the best solution. If they are ignorant and run away from problems or any discussion related with it... I could only advise to try and have a real good conversation with them and if they refuse cutting them off. But it's still your family..

I can't really say much from my point of view. But if you ask me, something really stinks about the parent's ability to parent that kid. If there's something they can't help, why not openly discuss it so everyone can try and make the best of it? Maybe there trying to hide their bad parenting? Again, this is a hard matter and I can't analyse this matter properly so don't take this to seriously.

In any case I would indeed try and have a proper and honest conversation with them without the whole family around..

There is something really dirty in Denmark, so to speak. What is that boy thinking when that's the first thing to say to your son, in front of you?! Why would the first thing he goes for is calling your son "ret*d".
I may sound cynical, but I wonder if the parents have been feeding into this animosity.
Frankly, I wouldn't go for the "bad parenting" lecture at the event. I would protect my son if a relative (any age) were to call him names and/or ridicule his clothes for all to hear. Just saying, "That's not nice, you may not call names."
If anyone is offended at That, well, they are not worth the time of day.

It is really hard to tell "what's wrong with that kid" with his parents condoning that kind of behavior. I may make a bigger deal about manners when we're out just to make the point that we don't condone rudeness. "that's not nice, you may not call names" "you'll be removed if you say that again"
However, my son is tons more polite with strangers than at home, so it's generally not a problem.

I would not see them again if we were in a similar situation.

The second your nephew is insulting it is ok to tell him he's being rude. I did when my nephews were being rude to my niece. Now she can be just as bad, but they started it, and I said something. I think letting his parents know what he said and that yuo will correct him in the future will then be up to them rather to deal with this child or risk a public..."You need to get your manners in check," Comment from you. If there is ever anything going on in your home, by all means tell them, if they want to come over then their son must be polite, or they can't stay. If they get mad....SO WHAT. Bullys and their families get away with to much because noone wants to offend them.

When I was six, my cousin had this habit of kicking people for no reason. Well, one day she kicked me off the monkey swing. I got really pissed and started beating her up. My dad knew what was going on and let it happen to teach her a lesson. She never kicked anyone again.

In other words, physical discipline maybe in order...or not (have the parents discipline him).

If I were you, I'd tell those s**theads to f**k off.

If their kid didn't leave my kid alone, I'd verbally harrass him until he got the message.

Look, you can't always be nice to people. I'd rather be nice; I don't like being mean, but if people abusing my child, especially if he's socially handicapped, then they'll have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

I have NO TOLERANCE for those who exclude and harass the socially and mentally handicapped. The problem with people when it comes to these issues, especially aspies, is that we're too "nice" to jerks.

If there's anything that really pisses me the f**k off, it's the fact that fellow aspies are so kind to the very individuals who oppress them.

Your nephew sounds like my friends son. For years she couldn't see that her kid ever did anything wrong, even told me that I should fix my sooky son. One time that was particully bad she threatened to growl at her kid when they got home, the old you wait till we get home mister. Yeah what ever i went to the front room window when they left and watched her kiss and cuddle him the minute they'd left my house.
Now he is an arse to her too lol, she doesnt know what happened lol I do and I told her he has always been like this. lol. You need to speak up so what if they get dirty on you and wont talk to you, your other option was to avoid them anyway. The autism shouldnt even be that much of an issue, this kid needs to respect your son autism or not.

it's hard to remove your own hurt feelings from this one....if a teacher were in this situation, they'd admonish the bully and comfort the victim. as you've tried to reason with the parents, there's not much you can do there. it's possible you could avoid family functions, but i don't know if that's feasible for you.

Yeah, I'd say boycott any functions with this boy and his parents in it and if that isn't possible, call him on his rude behaviour and too bad if his parents don't like it. You could always say "well, if YOU were doing your job properly, I wouldn't have to tell him not to speak rudely to my son".

Right on Pandora, but if I'd say...ya wanna go, don't let some punk bully stop you. This kid may end up respecting Katrine more than anyone else because she's showing him what a mom is really all about. And who knows...maybe he'll end up being a strong advocate for her son. Sometimes a swiff kick, and this one meaning a verbal swiff kick is all it takes to wake a person. At my church we had these two thugs who only showed up for potluck. They were always looking for a fight, and mom wouldn't do anything. One was in like 5th or 6th grade and the other boy was younger. They beat up a 5 year old little girl, yeah she was a brat, but still, and when i heard their mom telling her that she needed to stay away from them I flipped, and went looking for them. Her step dad went one way and I went the other. I got them getting ready to beat up another child. I got in between then and said they needed to stop, when they tried to go around me, I slammed them both up against the wall, when the older one tried again, I pushed him back and had my fists up and told him he'd have to kill me before he could hit the other child. I followed them both to their mom, and I yelled..."You will be accepted and loved here, but you will not come here and beat up my sunday school class." They ended up coming regularily and were my best students.......go figure. They never faught at church again.

Good on you Paula. The boys probably respected you because you were the only person who set some limits for them.

I had a different experience with my daughter at an end of year bowling function. She was about 11 and she was talking to two younger children. The little girl, about six, seemed to have ADHD or something. My daughter was trying to warn her about something dangerous and the girl thought she was insulting her and kicked her in the nose.

I felt so awful that my daughter got hurt and so we tried to find the two kids but the big boy ran with his sister because he probably thought they'd be in big trouble. My daughter's father told her she shouldn't have "let" a little girl hit her like that but we both said she had no idea it was going to happen until it was way too late.

It's hard to know how mentally impaired the little girl was but if she wasn't backward, she should have apologised.

I agree. If your husband wants to see them he should absolutely, but he should go alone. When asked where you and your son are he can tell them, honestly that he can't stand the way his son is treated by the child.

Be honest and protect your son and youself.

Little a**hole.

Thanks all.

A kid who was constantly being mean to my son - they were in the same class this year - finally got my goat, so to speak. He was telling my son "you're such a loser, your'e always a loser", and when I told him what he was saying wasn't nice, and he should apologise, he refused, and started to tell ME why I was a loser as wwll!

You know what shut him up and ensured he kept away from me and my son? I growled to him, "Shut your mouth for a change." Well! He was gob-smacked, mainly because saying something like that is "just not done" by adults to children.

Too bloody bad. I know yer mum and I know why yer like that. Bleh.

I agree with the others - keep away from social situations where you know this part of the family are likely to be, or, if you can't, the moment this nephew of yours says something rude to your son (or to you, even!), have your own boy say something back like "were you born this rude or have you been practising?". You can have a signal so he knows when to say it. I'd also say something to his parent(s).

hehehehe

I'm just plain mean at times. Can't stand rude children.

Fiona

I can't either, and if they aren't stopped, they grow into rude adults.

You need to put your son first and protect him from this abuse. Be honest why you won't visit with your husband and don't let them blame you or your little boy. Bullies shouldn't be allowed to continue to get away with their behaviour or it just gets worse the bigger they get. I believe a community should raise a child and I always stand up to pint sized bullies and rude behaviour whoever the parents are.