Parents Asking For Help

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I don't know if I'm going to get agreement here on this. However, I feel I should speak up. This forum is for parents seeking advice, camraderie, encouragement and a platform for sharing ideas. One of the great things I get from this forum is that it's not "partisan". Meaning, while WrongPlanet is overall pro-neurodiversity, the parent's forum is welcoming to any parent seeking fellowship. Some of us are Aspies (or suspected Aspies) ourselves, some are NTs. We also get input from Childless Aspies that hang out here. Like the sticky topics show, we benefit from each other's stories and experiences.

I notice when new parents come here, they seem shocked at Aspie mannerisms. Some get really offended if someone sounds critical or if they're spoken to bluntly. A couple of days ago, there was a thread by a new member who got a lot of good replies. One person seemed to upset him and the OP said he was leaving. That seems to happen a lot. When this happens I suspect that they really aren't looking for original ideas but to have their own feelings validated.
Perhaps this is important to know. If someone keeps asking a particular question or complaining about people's manners (and not replying to actual information) maybe we could back off and let them go. Or tell them, "Hey, I'm blunt. This is how I discuss this topic."

Another problem I see are people who only give parts of their story and expect others to understand and help. Basic information is left out and we're left to make these elementary suggestions which seem to waste time and may insult the OP.

Another issue that comes up that parents forget that the childless Aspies have really good backgrounds to glean from. The other day a parent replied that he didn't respect advice from someone who isn't a parent. I found that disappointing. The truth is, we were all kids at some point and we know what worked and what didn't. Being a parent doesn't automatically make you smarter or braver or kinder. It makes sense to me that we are here on an Aspie board, we might as well accept Aspie advice.
Some people give crazy advice and as long as it's not repeated too many times or dominates a thread, it's easy to "take with a grain of salt".

I like coming here because in The Real World other autism parents don't talk about these issues. People like to name drop and talk in circles about "doing everything" to "help". I think we should remember why we come here and appreciate that.

perhaps we need some sort of post that first time parent posters can read..........something that sort of explains about aspie manners........

I like that idea! As a childless aspie, I was unsure about whether or not I was welcome to post here. Sometimes I have wanted to offer insight and then thought, "Oh, they don't want to hear from me because I'm not a parent." Maybe this proposed post could clarify the role of childless aspies here. I think that would be helpful to everyone.

EvilKimEvil, we've had discussions addressing that and obviously it's been too long. Maybe we could have this thread stickied or if someone is a better writer, they could post an FYI. But last year sometime there was some talk about how valuable the Childless Aspie input is. It's not always comfortable to hear opposing views or criticism (or opinions that sound like criticism). But that doesn't mean one can't open one's heart and mind.

When I hear or read someone dismissing another because "you can't possibly know how hard it is", I sense that the parent is defending their actions or poor judgment or prejudice. I think it's entirely possible to diagnose a situation even if you don't have first-hand experience as the parent.

Keep talking this over, everybody. If we come up with a short list of things newcomers should know, we could make a new sticky.

So far my opinion is that certain instructions (like "please post all necessary details when asking for advice") won't be very helpful, as I believe that some of the more difficult-to-understand posts we see around here are due to cognitive/developmental differences. It's not uncommon that the parent of an aspie is also challenged in multiple ways and such a person may be unable to deliver a request of that kind. I'm inclined to think that those who are able to follow an instruction like that are also able to foresee that need and are already doing fine. It seems to me that asking individuals for clarification would be more fruitful.

A note on expecting to receive the advice of childless members with AS sounds like a great idea. That said, I think I know what thread you meant, KimJ, and I thought that the OP's response was reasonable in that context. It's fine for anybody asking for advice to clarify what sort of input they're looking to receive if he or she wishes to do so. It doesn't prevent anybody from posting in the thread, but it helps the reader understand what is being sought.

Help! I'm feeling lost here. Maybe it's me, but I don't really understand which intrigue I missed out on. For my sake, and the sake of the "real" aspies here, maybe it is a good idea to be more blunt, or at least please tell me which thread you are referring to
Is the main issue here whether non-parent aspies can give advice? In which case I agree that of course it gives a fantastic possibility of understanding our kids.
There will always be some replies that are more useful than others. That is how it works.

Last edited by katrine on 11 Jan 2008, 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

As a childless Aspie, all I can really contribute is the child's side of the equation. However, since the behavior and thought processes of the child seem to be the bafflement in question, this point of view has some merit. Parents, as far as I can tell, want the best for their children, but a lot of the parental input feels like incursion to the Aspie and I don't think that's the result desired by well-meaning parents. NT parents want their children to be able to adapt in a harsh world, but we carry our worlds on our own backs. Sometimes, the World prevails and sometimes the world has to adapt itself to us.

Please don't do this, anybody. I don't think it would be at all charitable to try to make an example of someone who has asked for advice in earnest. It would also arguably be against the forum rules.

I think that KimJ means to address a general topic here, not a specific incident.

Maybe you're right, but I can't tkae part in this discussion, which sounds quite important and fundamental to the forum, if I don't get what the problem is.

There are several issues brought up in the first post. Some members are suggesting making as sticky to let newcomers know what to expect in this section of the forums.

Some of the ideas that have been covered so far:

-benefitting from the experiences of childless members
-asking members to be patient with the aspie bluntness they will encounter
-being sure to include relevant details of the problem at hand when asking for advice
-welcoming all kinds

Ok - thanks. Now I get it.
You did a good job of boiling it all down to a few sentences for newcomers.

Thank you for asking. I feel like I understand it a bit better now, too.

I'm going to try to step out of the conversation and just listen for a while now.

The points I gave are issues that have happened several, if not many times. Like gwenevyn says, I don't want to make this a specific accusation or complaint thread. I'm really addressing "issues" that seem to be coming up periodically.

The problem with newbie parents getting easily offended by either our mannerisms or the advice itself is really ongoing. The consequence is that that newbie is left with this impression that there is something fundamentally wrong with us or this site. What's really crazy is that the person will announce they're leaving and people will keep replying to the thread-often with great advice. That's us wasting our time on someone who isn't even here to appreciate it!

I see what you're saying but I'm not really talking about other Aspie parents unable to organize their writing (that's me!). I'm really talking about a parent who posts a rant or question that doesn't really give a viable scenario. Like, for instance;
"My daughter is bullied at school. The principal won't do anything about it. What can I do?"
There are a lot of parts to the story that should be put out there so we aren't asking really dumb questions, meanwhile people are handing out advice that may be totally inappropriate.

Helpful hints in telling a story or asking a question
a) tell your child's age and grade level
b)diagnosis if there is one
c)How did you learn about the problem or issue?
1)did your child inform you of the problem?
2)do you suspect the problem ?
3)did a professional or other bystander tell you about the problem?
d)What have you done so far about the problem?


Those cover the very basics of some key points we need to at least be familiar with the problem.

nonicknamedamnit, Depends on how old you are. My personal role models are autistic adults and I've used them as guiding lights for my son's education. An adult Aspie can also inform about the "outcome" of a particular education, discipline or experiential event.

And there is a very blurry line between those worlds and when it's okay to push the NT agenda and when it's harmful. My husband and I are always investigating the worth of "mainstreaming" or "inclusion" and how it could affect our son. We still don't know if sending him to public school is best and we may never feel satisfied that we're teaching him the right things. Being an Aspie parent raised in an NT world is like being stuck between dimensions.

i think something we need to think about is the idea that making a post too formulaic will deter people from posting ( did i remember to write down my son's age ? etc...)

i think so many of us are struggling with issues related to our children, that perhaps all we really need is validation that we're not crazy~or that our kids aren't crazy~ or simply that we're not alone out there.

our changes could simply be that when encountering a new, questioning parent that we first try to validate at least something within their post~tell them you understand their situation, or empathize that parenting an aspie is difficult.

we should really have a general thread about posting rules in the parents section .

I think I can offer a possible explanation for why some parents get offended or angry when we (childless aspies) give them "wrong" advice. The issue of power is the main reason, and philosopher Nietzsche even said that all of history revolved around power. Anyway, being parents makes people feel very powerful; after all, they have complete control over their kids' lives, and kids have very few means of escaping the control. Parents know it, and that's what helps them keep the power. That's true even if the parents' jobs are low-level and micromanaged at every step.

So when someone gives those parents an advice that somehow infringes on their power (i.e. tells them that something they're doing is wrong), they get defensive: "How can those people [childless aspies] tell us what to do? We're the parents here, and it's our job to give orders; they don't even have any experience with kids! I bet they gave their parents a lot of trouble with that kind of thinking." So there we have it; childless aspies try to offer advice, but get brushed off. Obviously, all this doesn't always hold true, but when it does, I think I explained it pretty well.

I have often seen very good advice from childless aspies.
Although I think Aspie1 have some very interesting points, I think there is another issue important to keep in mind. Just as NTs can't really know what it is like to be an Aspie, no matter how hard they try, it is impossible to know what it is like to be a parent - and especially a parent to a child on the spectrum.
For a lot of parents, the realization that their child has aspergers/autism is a shock in itself. Some parents have never heard of Aspergers until their child gets the diagnosis! These parents might find WP especially difficult to cope with, if they stumble upon it when initially trying to work out what autism is.
Learning about ASDs is very difficult, as it is incredibly hard to understand what autism is. It is abstract and hard to grasp the nature of autism.
Also, a lot of parents go through a sorrow process when their child is first diagnosed: this may be offensive for aspies, as it kind of implies that having autism is having a "fault".
Finally, childless aspies and NTs alike probably don't realize what stress and frustration parents go through, how much you life as a parent is changed and formed by having a kid on the spectrum. How hard it is to "do things right" when this sometimes means doing things that go against "normal" parental intuition.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking "he doesn't have kids" but I don't relate it to power at all! I relate it to how hard it is to imagine a situation you haven't beeen in.