who is this child and how did it get this bad!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi: I'm new here and have been reading everyone's posts. My daughter is almost 11, diagnosed AS, ADHD and mood disorder. I can tell you that I don't think I'm going to make it through puberty. The screaming, yelling, swearing and aggression is unbelievable. I feel like I am the child and she is running the show. I have been trying the explosive child stuff and I can tell you that I stink at it. I have lived with so much rage and aggression that I started picking "no battles" at all. I am tired and depressed all the time. I love this child more than life and would do anything for her. Unfortunately I DO NOT LIKE HER. This is very tiring. The word NO sends her into the deep end. Thanks for listening.

My daughter is severely autstic so there's a difference but she's been aggressive, scary and dangerous. She's become less agressive and tries harder when I keep telling her that I know how hard every day was for her and that she is one of the most courageous people I knew for just trying to get through each day.

She tries harder to be nicer when she thinks that I admire her for all her hard work, trying to keep her temperament in check. She was really tense a minute ago which cause her brother to go running off to hide in the bathroom. I scratched her back and told her I know she's trying. She calmed down and her brother is back from the bathroom.

Kids behave worse when they think that everyone thinks they're bad and hopeless.

Shea, I got a child that was damaged before I got her, and I spent the next 15 years loving her while disliking her with all my heart. It is hard. Now that she's mooching off different people than us, we get along fine.
Is there any way for you to get any kind of respite?

does she see any sort of therapist ? is she on any meds ? can you talk to someone about your own anger ?

my attitude towards my son changed once i was able to realize that his non-compliant, irritated attitude was due to his disorder and due to us working ineffectively with him. we changed alot of things within our house, and things have gotten better.

Although I am not a parent...I thought that I would respond to this thread.
When I was your daughters age [11-13yrs. old], I went through a "phase" of aggression, yelling, swearing etc. My mother became depressed, too and took anti-depressants for a while. After I turned 13...things actuallty started to get better...my aggression reduced and in a few months, had the temperament of the quiet 8 year old I once was.
When I was aggressive, I thought that I was honestly going insane as I didn't want to be aggressive. My mother thought it was hormones that caused this "phase"...probably right.

My point being, after going through all that...i'm now completely the opposite. I know everyone is different, but I am hopeful that once the hormones settle in your daughter, her mood will begin to aswell.

Is she on ritalin or some other drug for ADHD, and is the dose larger enough?
Are all the meltdowns confrontational, or do they seem to come out of the blue?

When my son was worst, we avoided all conflict, just like you. He was so violent we couldn't win any battles. When we realised he had epilepsy and ADHD, and he was medicated for both, he changed very quickly. The medicine made it possible to use "the explosive child stuff", and for autism-teachers to work with him.
BTW, before he was diagnosed with epilepsy, I thought he had a mood disorder - bipolar - as the explosive aggression is the same.
You need some breathing room to be able to start an program to turn things round. It's hard to get anaywhere in a mine feild!

That's not autism, that's puberty.

Sorry. *clears throat*

I have AS, ADHD, TS, panic disorder, and OCD. I can tell you that "anger" in autistic people has two basic sources: fear and restlessness.

I was an angry middle schooler. I was a frightened middle schooler. I was afraid of death. I was afraid of Republicans. I was afraid of my father. I was afraid that my mother would die if I didn't do many a pointless ritual. I was justifiably afraid of my peers. I was afraid of terrorists.
I was afraid of my own suicidal thoughts. I was afraid of my body. Rage was a secondary emotion that sprung from helplessness in the onslaught of fear.

Fear is a difficult emotion to express, even for a girl.

My mother eventually homeschooled me. I made her life a living hell for about six months. Then the fever broke. It was the safety of the home environment that did it. Your daughter may not feel safe where she is.

When I speak of restlessness I speak of an actual physical restlessness. Autistic restlessness is only comparable to being on cocaine or methamphetamine. Your hands shake. You pace like a caged animal for up to six hours a day. When you lie down, you arch your back and flap your arms in a way that could easily be mistaken for an actual seizure. You hurt yourself (biting, cutting, hitting, head banging, throwing self against walls, etc.) to stop the torturous electric flow of energy. You hurt others as your self-control deteriorates. You can't sleep, can't eat well, can't have fun. It is an agony. No wonder autistics appear so angry and agitated.

There are ways to control restlessness. The most effective is medication. Also recommended are intense exercise regimens to simply burn it all off, a very strict no-stimulant diet, martial arts, vanilla milk administered at night, and nighttime cold medicine administered in the morning.

Sorry. *Sighs*

I see where you're coming from, I just don't agree. I think it's Autism and ADHD symptoms magnified to the umph degree thanks to an avalanche of hormones brought on by puberty. Many Autistic and ADHD kids do not process "no" the same as others therefore they're oppositional without understanding why, language in general the same as others, dealing with their emotions the same as others, and structure the same as others. They're not wired the same as others and many are still on sensory overload because it hasn't been dealt with properly before puberty.

People used to say similar things to us. When our kid was a toddler, he'd have a total meltdown when he couldn't have the object of a perseveration. And, people would say, "It's not Autism. It's just toddlerhood." They'd dismiss the fact that he was coming from a totally different neurological and developmental pathway and didn't function the way normal kids functioned.

Shea, before medication, I'd look into any Behavioral Mod program and Sensory Therapy available. But, I'd also look into anything homeopathic or natural that you can do to keep the hormones in check. I'd do that first. If you don't see improvement, then look into medications.

Get her into a kids yoga class...Get her a room or make her room a safe haven...I have done this for my child and it has done wonders...Not that he doesn't still try to push my buttons, and when I'm busy, we BOTH have a meltdown, but it has truly helped him know he can go to his "Life is Good room" and listen to soft music, relax on a yoga mat...take a deep breath...He's only 6 and when he sees ME stressed out, he'll say "mom, relax...go to Life is Good room...take a deep breath..." haha...

Reading the origanal post made my alarm bells ring - I could have written a similar post a year ago. If I understood it right, this is meltdowns and aggression at a totally other level...
Years ago I would have talked about yoga, sensory issues ect., and would also have disuaded conventional medication.
After experiencing what I hope other parents with autistic kids never have to experience, that is a tortured, uncontrollable,violently aggressive child, who was seriously dangerous to himself and others, I know that sometimes medication is the only way out... I did everything "right" and still my child suddenly became a totally different child, and needed medication.
Maybe I got it all wrong... but if the girl is as aggressive and unbalanced as my son was at the time, she cannot be worked with untill her comorbid conditions are identified and properly treated.
I hope I'm misunderstanding the situation....