How to help my stepson?

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Hi. I'm the new stepmom of a 13-year-old Aspie (formal Dx at age 5 or so) who is having a really hard time and I'd like to help.

Here's the major problem: his behaviour. Frequenltly rude and combative, he just seems to want to fight and to dominate others (includng his father and myself) absolutely. In his mind, he is always right and everyone else is not only wrong, but he makes it clear that he believes everyone should be abjectly serving him. Lying and manipulating are just par for the course; he seems to feel perfectly justified in doing whatever he can think of.

The very worst is the 3-to-ten-times-a-day meltdowns, which happen over everything from which car-window we start with while cleaning them at the gas station, to who puts food on his plate at mealtimes, to the mere POSSIBILITY that someone might be talking about him to someone else. My husband has him once a week for an overnight, and the whole weekend every other weekend: we're all walking on eggshells when he's around, because we live in fear of his freakouts.

He TOTALLY freaks out at the mention of AS or autism. Any reference to his behaviour will also provoke an outburst: he panics and insists that he is perfect and that his behaviour is always exemplary.

He's a big boy for his age: over 6 feet tall and weighing close to 200 pounds. I'm not that big, myself, and I have spinal arthritis. I worry that a violent outburst (he gets suspended for violence at school regularly) is going to get me hurt. His younger sibling is very tiny, and therefore also vulnerable.

That's the negative stuff. There's positive stuff, too: he's very intelligent, and super-knowledgeable about certain things: I've even suggested he write an encyclopedia on his pet subject. I really think that he could have a bright future if he would accept AS and learn strategies to reduce his anxiety (probably the driving force behind a lot of his meltdowns and violence), navigate the world, and gain allies.

I don't see how he can learn to reduce his anxiety, navigate the world, or gain allies, if he won't even accept that he has AS. I would like to work with his mother, to harmonize our approach and reduce the amount of change he experiences between her home and ours, but she carries a lot of bitterness from her former marriage to my current husband, so I don't expect any cooperation. It's even occurred to me that she "needs" him to stay panicky and unaccepting so that she will always be necessary to him.

I am very open to suggestions, especially from Aspies who have been in a place similar to where he is now. If you have ideas, they are most welcome. Here is a boy with such a brilliance, and such potential: I really want to help.

You'll have to work on a good relationship with the ex-wife: if not personal, than "professional" as in doing what is best for her child. She should tell you about his habits, likes and dislikes in detail.
Are there any professionals involved in his life, you could talk too? People who now how to deal with problems that arise with AS?

Could you make the "framework" for his stay good - and leave the rest and the conflicts to his father?

How much do you now about Asperger's? A a lot of bad behaviour has to be understood from this perpective, and you can't change it untill you understand it. In my experience, most people with AS aren't "manipulative". There is a totally different reason for their actions. In theory, people with AS have a hard time lying, too.

What triggers the meltdowns - could they be avoided by planning and predictability? I.e. agreeing who puts food on his plate (can't he do it himself?) and sticking too it; not springing events (like car cleaning) on him without telling him when, where, how long ect. Have a set daily routine in the house to make him feel more secure. This should lower his anxiety levels and as you say, they probably turn into meltdowns.

It's no good if you are scared of him - let his father deal with violent outbursts. You should leave the room and take any other kids present with you.

Don't mention AS or autism for a while - it doesn't seem like he wants to talk about it at the moment. Maybe he could talk to his mother or a therapist about it.

Hope this has been helpfull.

Sounds like some social skills training might be in order.
Discussion with some teen members may be appropriate. I don't know how many monitor this forum or if you can cross post this to another forum.
I'm new here so I'm still just learning to get around.

accepting a diagnosis can be very difficult. i'm sure we all know of someone who has just simply refused to acknowledge that they have a problem they need to attend to............have you tried reading The Explosive Child ?. the theories within this book helped tremendously within our household. once you can start prioritizing what's really important, and what can wait ~things do get better. one of the hardest things i've had to work on, is learning to let things go. sometimes, it's just not worth the battle that will ensue. my family and i have also invested tremendous amounts of time learning about son's specific triggers, and how to avoid setting him off. we've also learned what to do when he does get set off.

also, what you might see as lying, perhaps could just be his perception of the events.....not lying, just telling the way he perceived a situation. ( we had problems like this with our son. once we realized what was going on, we worked to make certain that questions were asked in such a way that we'd get a clear response. prior to this, son would get irritated because he felt he was telling the truth, and we felt he was lying....)

What does his father think of the visits? Do the visits bother him as much as they bother you? I know that with my own son, he will act the very worst around people who have the least confidence in him.

As for you getting involved, I think you're in a no-win situation. If you draw a line in the sand, your stepson will cross it every time (that's the nature of AS). If your husband thinks you're being too hard on his son, you will draw his criticism. You already stated that the biological mom is unwilling to work with you. I think you need to step back and let your husband deal with the situation.

You said he freaks out at the mention of AS or Autism. Who is bringing this label up to him and why? I'd imagine he wouldn't enjoy the visits much if he's constantly reminded of his label.

Thank you all for your responses. I'll try to answer some of your questions to flesh this out a bit.

First question: How much do I know about Asperger's? As much as a caring individual with excellent research skills can glean in 2 years of internet and library searches. Enough to know that we need to address this kid's anxiety triggers and work on building him some strategies and skills for coping if he's going to have an easier time of it. He starts high school next year.

And enough to know that understanding is not adequate by itself. We know that uncertainty -- for instance, about whether he will be served first, middle, or last at a restaurant -- is an anxiety trigger for him. However, just KNOWING that does nothing, in itself: we have to make choices for him.

Of course, it's easiest to just let him have his way. He always wants to be first. But easy is not always right, and I worry that allowing him to always have his way sets up an untenable paradigm: the world will not always accommodate him, and letting him be "king of the universe" is setting him up to fail: what he needs for navigating the real world is strategies and skills for handling the discomfort that the uncertainty (about the order in which meals will be served, in this example) causes. Alleviating the anxiety of uncertainty by egocentrically putting oneself first all the time is not going to win him allies or help him in any other facet of life.

I also feel troubled by always letting him get his way because I am an adult survivor of abusive relationships, and I can't keep my own dignity and self-respect intact if I let someone act the tyrant -- for whatever reason. And how can any kid do well with caregivers who don't even value themselves enough to say, "Hey, I insist on being treated with respect"?

Thank you: I think it's good advice to let his father deal with any violence. Thanks for that. He's offered, of course, but I have declined up until now, because I care about this kid and I have always felt that as he's part of my family, I should be able to deal with all facets of his behaviour. But it really would be better for me just to withdraw my interaction when it pushes my boundaries so hard that I'm in fight-or-flight mode.

Next question: what does his father think of his visits? These are the most stressful parts of his life. He himself has his triggers, and rudeness happens to be one of them. So there's a lot of tension on weekends when we have his kids. We agree that we were both reluctant parents to start with (having kids was the ex-wife's idea); we also agree that parenting is a sacred trust and that we're now honour-bound to do the very best we can for our kids.

Next question: who is bringing up labels, and why? Who: doctors, educational assistants, and his parents. Why: because the only way to effectively address the issues arising from AS is to start from a place of understanding and acceptance. I can't address problems arising from my arthrits without acknowledging I have it; any systems I put in place without that basic cornerstone -- if they didn't just make things worse -- would work by chance and not by design.

I have never tried to broach the subject with the kid. I've been put on notice that it's a big red panic button for him, and of course I don't want to make things worse.

I would really love to get some input from another teen Aspie... maybe someone who is facing the challenges of high school, can relate to non-acceptance of their diagnosis, but have still managed to build skills and strategies for success. Does anyone know if parents can post to the teen forum(s) on Wrong Planet?

Thank you for all your caring and thoughtful remarks. Don't stop now!

Hmmm. Does he have many friends? I think that a good idea would actually be to show him this website and have him look around a little, see how similar others sound compared to him, if he would do it. I used to feel alone, I thought Asperger's was some really really rare, almost unheard of disease until I found this site, I have been feeling much happier now that I have other people I can relate to and I look forward to getting home from school every day to check the forums, I even go on during study halls if I can find a quiet corner in the Library, I am almost praying that the school does not decide to block WP once they find out it is a forum, there is a strict rule against forums in my school.

Best of luck to you

Last edited by Tortuga on 06 Feb 2008, 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Friends? None. Not even at school. He says he doesn't want any, but his dad thinks he only says that to preserve some semblance of control over his situation. His dad thinks that he does want friends, but because he hasn't been developing any social skills, he's left out all the time.

He does use the internet, but really only to pursue his interests in a couple of fields, which other middle-school kids -- who are battling, themselves, to "grow up" -- find childish.

Any suggestions for introducing Wrong Planet to a kid who's very sensitive and panics at the suggestion that anything might be "different" about him? Honestly, I think it would be good for him to see that AS is not the end of the world....

i'm not sure where you got the impression that we always let our son get his way.....or that always getting your way was even an option.......im talking about trying to view things in a different way....honestly, The Explosive Child is a great book that many of the parents on this site have read & reccommended.

not many teens post on this portion of the boards.......if you wish to venture into the main threads, then you might get information that you're looking for.

I will track down "The Explosive Child." Sounds like a resource I could use.

As for "always getting his way," I certainly didn't mean that to be any kind of reflection on YOUR parenting (about which I know next to nothing): it's more a commentary on what's going on in my family right now: the whole family is frequently focused on making sure this one member isn't flying into a tantrum. In this circumstance, he's not required to develop any self-control, because all efforts to make life bearable are coming from outside of him.

I don't mean to seem overly negative: I believe we do have some responsibility for setting up our Aspie to succeed. But if meltdown-avoidance means never-any-spontenaiety, always-letting-him-go-first, catering-to-his-egocentric-demands, etc, then I have a bit of trouble seeing that as a positive lifestyle.

I'm really hoping for some help getting him to grips with his own neurological makeup, so that we can work as a team to build somethng positive, instead of what it feels like right now: a handful of volunteer firefighters running around putting out blaze after blaze, with no end in sight, and a mad arsonist running the show.

I'm happy to make accomodations for someone who's exhibiting some partnership, some willingness to cooperate. I'm much less willing to pander to a tyrant. Sorry for the harsh language, but there it is.

Thanks for taking the time to reply; I really appreciate the meta-insight generated by many minds working together.

with our son, once he was able to see that we were willing to do a little give and take, he settled down......it took awhile, though. it took the belief that things would get better. for our son, it took awhile for him to really trust that we would change the way we were doing things.....so hard to explain the methods in the xpolsive child....

I'm afraid this is reality for a lot of us. This is not a lifestyle we choose, it is a lifestyle that can be a neccesity. (It sure beats meltdowns!)
You are in a different situation then other parents on this site, as he is not your biological child. It is bitter-sweet and not "fair" to have a life style thrust upon you, but it is our reality.
I have to be blunt and say "take it or leave it". If you get the father, you get the whole package, and will have to forget your own issues for a while and put your step-son in the center.
I'm not saying it will always be like it is now - with hard work, you can stop the meltdowns and have a more relaxed lifestyle. But untill then, put him first, work his issues out. At the moment, what is good for him is good for you all, because the situation you are in right now is unbearable.




If he is anxious and melting down all the time, he is in no position for self-reflection! He needs peace and positive experiences before he can do that.
At this point, partnership is far off.
You also can't "set him up for the real world" when he is in this much turmoil.

Put the fire out first - then start rebuilding.

My advice is start no battles you can't win ... unless safety is involved - in which case be prepared to take the meltdown. This, BTW, is the essense of "explosive child" tactics.

When you've got this down pat, move to the next level and slowly push demands.

Questions: what intervention has there been? Is he taking medication? Has he been evaluated for comorbid conditions like ADHD? Does he get enough excercize? What is his relationship to his father - did he "bail out" because the going got tough in his first family, and is this putting an addtional strain on things?

This is blunt, but I really hope it's helpfull.

Last edited by katrine on 07 Feb 2008, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He is at an age when hormones could be strengthening his meltdowns and setting him off quicker.