feelin down about social outings

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Hi there,
Im just feeling a little down at the moment, I can't take my son on a spur of the moment outing, I cringe when we leave school at what I am going to be in for when we get home, how his stress levels are after a day at school, I see all these friends having play dates after school , and would love for him to be able to do that too. But if he doesn't have his chill time after school by himself, its just really like walking on egg shells........
I feel so alone sometimes.......
Verticalmum.....

The bright side is: he will get better with time. It wont be tomorrow, or the day after, but with the proper help in some years he will be able to learn to handle stress better. Maybe he will even have friends. My daughter is in 7o grade and she has two friends in her classroom. She still doesnt have play dates or going outs, but at least she chats and they go out every once in a while

how old iyour son? My son was like that when he was younger, and thankfully things have gotten better.

Hang in there!!

WE have girl scouts every other week and I'm starting to dread it. I'm a troop leader, but I don't do much leading. Generally I end up having to wrangle dd5 because she often wanders off, and refuses to socialize with the other girls on anything other than her own terms. It is getting very hard. She wants to do the activities, just not with the other kids.

When I started taking my kid to the story taller (around 5) it was like that. She would pick a book from the shelves and start reading it and ignore everything else. I had to remove the book from her hands and ask her to pay attention and participate like every 5 minutes. After a while, like about 6 months, if I recall correctly, she started paying more attention and participating. I still had to remove the book from her hands, but she will involve more. So I would say just keep trying, tell her that the point of girls scout is doing things as a group, because the strength is in the group not on its individual members. Keep trying, keep getting her involved, and eventually it will pay off, she will start doing it for herself.

verticlemum, I am sorry it is rough right now. I don't know what to tell you other than dig in, do what needs to be done, and continue to invest in your child: he will improve and today's issues are not likely to be tomorrow's. But getting there is HARD, and none of us will hide that from you.

Could you set some playdates for an hour after school is out, since it sounds like the hinderance isn't not wanting friends over, but needing a decompress period?

What worked for my son in elementary was planning outings with friends, not unstructured play dates. As long as there was a clear plan and everyone followed it, he enjoyed going out after school. You just figure it out as you go; don't be afraid of a few mistakes.

DS9 does MUCH better if I plan activities late in the day. He really needs his down time (the longer the better) and a lot of reminders of what the plan for the day entails. He has gotten better. I was able to schedule a weekly activity right after school this year - he complains but is happy when it is over and has the rest of the day at home. Generally, he gets very upset if he is not able to go straight home right after school. A delay of only a few minutes can be an issue.

My son's social skills have come along amazingly well in the last 6 months or so. A year ago, there is no way I would have comfortably been able to send him to someone's house for a play date without stressing and panicking and now, he will happily play along with other kids (some selective kids, not any old person) but he is like a different child - it should get better, hang in there.

My aspie dd who is 11 has done the same, after school she usually goes to her room and shuts the door. Needs to chill out and relax before doing anything else. It was difficult when she was 5 thru 8 because she had to get used to doing homework and she shared a room with her brother so she didn't get that "alone" time and took it out on her brother and me . However, once she got her own room, I noticed an improvement on how she handles stress and she no longer takes out her frustrations on her brother (since he is not in her space). Having her own bedroom/space worked wonders! Also, we got an IEP which led to reducing the homework and a smaller classroom with more one on one for math and english. This also helped with lowering school stress. You may want to look at reducing his school work load if it is possible, are there any changes that can be done to help him out at school?

Regarding play dates....what works for us is making movie dates about once every other month on a not busy Saturday or Sunday. She earns this movie date with good behavior, and since we have been going to the movies for a long time she knew what to expect at the movie theater. I just make a couple of flyers with the info for her to hand out to her friends at school. She has learned how to ask questions regarding the movie, "What was your favorite scene, character, etc.", comment on funny or gross scenes and how to offer snacks to her friends. Also, she spends time with my mother, sleeping over, cooking, baking and hogging her laptop. Is there someone in the family that he can hang out with, such as a cousin or grandparent?

I also enrolled her in tae kwon do and girl scouts when she was 7 and she still attends both in the evening. I have to say that tae kwon do has done wonders for her coordination and self-esteem but she still gets extremely nervous when she has to take a belt test because of the parents watching and having to break a slab of wood. However, she always passes, feels extremely proud after, and is dealing with nerves much better now. It is part of her routine now, and as long as she knows what her daily schedule is, she is ok. She does get annoyed/upset when things change but not as much as she did when she was younger.

As for girl scouts, she knows the girls and they know her and her quirkiness. Sometimes seeing her interact with girls her age is hard because she is awkward. She has stayed in it because of the events, father-daughter dance, camping on Catalina Island, and an overnight sleepover at the mall. We are to the point where, I attend 2nite events with her and she goes to the day events and 1 nite events without me. It isn't ideal because she isn't true friends with any of the girls her age, but she is learning to be on her own, follow instructions, interact with others, get her needs across, help the community, help the youngest girls (it is a multi-level troop) and fend for herself without an overprotective mother hovering around her. There have been many activities that she would never have done or participated in if she wasn't a girl scout. I don't know how much longer she will want to stay in it but as of now she tells me that she likes helping the cute little girls and loves the overnight event at the mall.

It seems like after school events are out of the question for your son, but perhaps there is a sport or special interest club that he would enjoy participating in, like a swimming class later in the day or a play date on a non-school day? It is tough but with time, there are improvements and you will find joy in his accomplishments.

Hugs. I know where you are and it sucks. I do believe things will get better.

Have you looked into respite care for your son so YOU get a break?