Divorce and 8 year low function Autistic Child

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My wife and I are seperating. In truth, we have grown apart for some time. However the one thing that kept us together was our son. Now she is seeing someone else, slapped a restraining order on me (still to be heard in court) and I have not seen my son for a month. I am completely broken by everything that has happened

My son has a very strong relationship with me and also has seperation anxiety being away from me. When I come home from work he would wait at the bathroom door while I had my shower and wait for me to finish. If he sees a car like mine, he would think its me and have a meltdown

Now that I am out of the picture I dont know what to do. Is shared parenting going to be more painful for him? I dont know how he would cope. I dont know how I will cope. I am considering walking away if its for his benefit. I would sacrifice anything for him.

He is non verbal and limited to basic pecs, so cant tell anyone what he is thinking

Please share any experiences about marriage breakups and how that might have affected the child

I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting and that your son is getting caught in the crossfire.

They don't give out restraining orders to just anyone. And, no offense to myself or to "my people" but raising autistic kids is hard work! Why the heck would she cut herself off from a source of co-parenting if she wasn't really afraid of you? That seems like a lot of effort for revenge.

Here's my concern: We know that autistic kids tend to come from autistic adults, or at least BAP adults (broader autism phoneme - its basically saying you have a few autistic traits but you aren't fully autistic.) Is it possible that you did something socially inappropriate or failed to notice her body language at some point? Is it possible that you did something that felt threatening to her, even though you didn't mean to hurt her?

This might be a really good time to get some of your own therapy, and explore your own path. That way, when you regain visitation rights, and unless there is something very wrong going on, you will get visitation rights, if not shared custody; you'll be more prepared to be a divorced parent. I'm not saying that this is easy, but doing so might be a good way to make good use of this time.

I don't think walking away will benefit the child. Autistic kids tend to be more aware than other people realize. He clearly loves you. Being abandoned is a terrible burden. The pain of that could make him much worse. I wonder if your x would be willing to set up some skype dates for the two of you. Anyways, its very unlikely the judge won't make some kind of order that allows you access to him. Because we know, as a society, that for most kids, even seeing their parents just a little is better than never.

Restraining orders....

OP lives in Melbourne, so I have no clue what kind of threshold must be met to get one there.

In the state I live in, it is very EASY for a woman to get a restraining order during a divorce, especially through the initial phase. The judge will grant one, and revisit the order when both parties get back to court.

All you have to say is you fear for your safety, and the husband is a destabilizing factor in the child's life because of the divorce proceedings.

What else happens is supervised visits for whoever got slapped with the order. Usually they don't last. Then the parties wind up doing a kid trade off in the police station parking for visitation.

I've seen women use restraining orders to create some leverage for a better settlement. Their lawyers suggest it, so why the hell not?

Putting it out there that you don't need to be raging at your spouse or beating him/her with a baseball bat to get one. It can be just legal manuvering.

When my husband had his epic meltdown, where the neighbors called the police, I was asked if I want to file for a restraining order. It wasn't if it hit me. It was if I felt safe being with him.

I didn't file for an order.

thank you for both the replies. The order against me is only an interim order - which means its at the request of my wife and has not been to court yet. It seems the burden of proof is very low. But I guess no police officer wants to be the one not to take an accusation seriously that ends with someone being hurt

From his prospective, I had much the same problem as a child. When I look back at what my parents did to each other I would recommend not walking away but simply be there when you can. My father walked in the same situation after he was tired of the courts and lawyer after lawyer. Just explain it when he gets older and he'll have to painfully figure it out. It's not good or in the least bit fare, unfortunately it is life.

Oh gosh. Sorry to hear about such a sad situation. Just picturing him sitting and waiting for you breaks my heart. My son is on the spectrum, also, and he has separation anxiety from me too. I wouldn't suggest walking out of his life. I cannot see how that would help him, any. I hope you figure something out very soon. Keep us posted.

You should ask a lawyer for advice.

Oh man
Going thru a somewhat similar situation - with added complications
Here's my $0.02

When it comes to figuring out what's best for a nonverbal child - trust your own eyes ears and reason; distrust anyone who assures you they're "only interested in the child's wellbeing". Lots of people with agendas out there.

Get well. Maybe reconnect with old friends, do sports, meditate, get out into nature - whatever works for you. If you have time and money left over after all that, maybe consider therapy but be very very choosy about that.

Order of priorities - #1 is yourself, then your kid, then other family / friends. In the preflight safety dance they always tell you "put the oxygen mask on yourself before attempting to help anyone else". It may look egotistical but if you pass out while trying to help someone else, both you and the other person are likely to croak. Something similar applies here.

If you haven't already, get a good lawyer asap. It works out cheaper than not getting one.

Don't trust your lawyer blindly. Read up on relevant legislation and case law in your jurisdiction. Find other dads in a similar situation.

Get familiar with the whole "social work" industry to which family courts often outsource decision making re. custody / visitation

If you didn't already, keep a daily journal. Also write down what happened so far. Helps to get your head clear, and to get facts right later even if memories fade.

If she has made false allegations against you - do not come anywhere close without reliable witnesses. Use written communication - not oral - and document everything. Where direct oral communication is unavoidable - Always Be Recording.

There are forums for fathers in this type of situation. Have a look around.

Good luck