How much do you push your child/ren?

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How much, if any, pressure do you put on your aspie child to practice the things s/he finds most difficult? Do you take the view that s/he will develop skills when s/he is ready, and only help out if asked? Do you try to make your child comply with expectations by rewards or punishments? Or where in between do you fit?

I get very frustrated with the uneven skills spread, and sometimes find myself blaming my child for things he can't/won't do. I just can't seem to "get" that he understands thermodynamics, and yet he can't manage to make eye contact and say hello when somebody greets him. That he can remember the name of a stranger I spoke to once on the phone six months ago, and yet he will not address people he knows well by name. That he can talk for half an hour about batteries, and yet he can't simply say "no thanks" if another child asks him to play something that doesn't interest him. Sometimes I'm convinced that all his social problems are things he does on purpose purely to annoy/upset/embarrass me!

Anyway, some people have suggested that we are making him more unsocial by letting him get away with too much. For example, not making him participate in large group activites, not insisting he speak to people. My theory is that there is no point making him do something he doesn't like if it makes no difference anyway. We tried him at daycare for about three months, and in the whole time he did not speak to or look at another child. He wasn't "learning social skills", so I figured why make him go when he'd told me he really didn't like it. We have been trying to have lots of time with only one or two other children around, because sometimes he will interact if he is in a one on one situation and likes the other child. Similarly, if I punish him every time he refuses to speak to somebody, that's not exactly going to make him more keen on socialising, is it?

But on the other hand, I think there are some things he will just never do if he doesn't get a bit of a push. So how do you give them that push/encouragement without putting too much pressure on and making the child even more anxious about the situation??

i think it is important to have certain behavioral expectations but also to know their limits to push without pushing too much.
i try to remind my little guy of his manners, and insist that he asks for things using his manners. i figure if he doesn't get what he's asking for without using manners then he will be so used to it that he will automatically do it. sometimes it is frustrating that his younget sister gets it way before him but i just understand that it will happen like that sometimes.
i look around on here and know that i don't have it as rough as some others on here and it makes me very thankful for the things he does do that i see others miss out on. i am glad that i get hugs and kisses from my son, wher i know others don't.
hope this helps
yes it will alwasy be frustrating that you have to go over the same "basic" things fifty times a day or at least once or twice a day, but hopefully as we preserver through we can calim some small victories in those things, and the hope of that keeps me going... sometimes.

I know this is a hard one, because you got so much of your own life and time,
but what works best is to delve your self into his life and activities,
give him tons of one on one time, do not force the issues,
but instead make it a fun time that you both share,
get pro-active, make the education fun.
let me give you an example.

My son is now 2 years 4 months,
he is AS and so am I.

He likes to play with one of my game paddles,
so I let him pretend to plug me in,
I had to give him this idea at first but he loved it,
when he pushes a button I say the body part and move that part,
I get really silly at times and it turns into a lot of fun and joy,
then after a while I plug him in and ask him what button for what part of him should I push,
and he now tells me the body part and button he wants me to push.
he is learning rather quickly just because we make it a fun time,
something he wants to do involving me that also includes something I want him to do as well, learn.
now, you could do this at most any age of the child, you just have to find the right tool/toy/interest and then get involved.

Now, Involving other people, you do the same thing but invite the extra person,
get the child used to the other person and let him learn to trust by involvement,
at a point you can step back from the scene and let the other person take over,
over time you add more and more people to that circle of new friends,
eventually it will become vary social for him and he may enjoy it.
after a while he may start his own circle of friends this way or start interacting more in school,
but it may take that one on one time to get him to come out of that shell and get active and interested.

Your post really brought up a lot of red flags for me -here's one:

Punish your child for not "being social" ??! But you do say he can be social: So is he just not being social according to your definition? My son can be social on his terms, with a person he is comfortable with and if it involves a subject he enjoys. Isn't that how it works?

It does seem like that sometimes doesn't it? Why do they do these things that are so clearly annoying and a little different? Because they are wired a certain way and some things they do because that's just the way they are.

I can only speak from my own experience but pushing, shaming or pressuring your child into "being social" or "being the way you want him to be will not work. Of course, you can teach him certain "social graces" that will help lessen little embarassements (which really in the long run are not that important - I'm 47 and have a horrible time remembering people's names) Your efforts may be better spent on helping yourself accept your son for what he is and not wishing and hoping for what you want him to be. I'm not saying it's an easy thing, but he deserves that and your life will probably be a lot less stressful when you let go of "But why won't he just do it this way?" thinking.

I do have to push my son in areas of self-help. Also, he has a difficult time focusing on school work. I think some other people would view me as being hard on him at times, but he needs to be able to take care of himself and attend to daily living.

About the social stuff, I've almost thrown in the towel. I take him where other kids are, but I do not pressure him to have friends or sustain interactions. He enjoys running around and being in the same general area as the other kids. I leave it at that. If we knew one or two other kids, I think he would try to be friends in a small group setting. We don't really no anyone though.

I do have to coach him about remembering people's names and saying 'hi'. I never punished him for it....but, I would prepare him beforehand. "You're going to see Luke. He knows your name so you need to remember his name and say 'hi' " The preparation beforehand seems to work more often than not.

I just thought I'd ask.

How old is your child?

How long have you known he is an aspie?


How much do I push my son?
For the first few years at school he struggled with his home readers, I would make him sit down and get cross with him when he wouldn't read them, I would read them to him. He would get really upset and complain of being tired and talk none stop about other stuff. The school would constantly comment to me and make me feel like a bad parent, because his list of books read in his folder was so little compared to the other kids. Then one day he picked up a book from home and read it by himself-perfectly. This made me push him more with his home readers. Again more stress. It got so bad I gave up making him do them. A friend had her child over after school friends child is the same age but in an advanced reading class, my kid was in a remedial reading class( and he hated it) my son picked up the advanced book her kid was strauggling with and read it no probs. I told his teachers they didn't believe me, from then on however I didn't make him read his books unless he wanted to and I stopped feeling bad. That was two years ago, last year just before the dx I was told by his teacher he was in the top reading group, ha but he never does his readers. This year his teacher knows he will only read what he wants to read, and she isn't worried he reads better than my 18 yr old. J is 9.

Eye contact- I stopped telling J to "look at me when I'm talking to you" when I got his dx and realised it was so uncomfortable for him= much less stress and sulkiness now. I didn't even realise how bad it was, he used to look at my mouth or somewhere else on my face or head.

Playing with other kids, J wants to play with other kids, he loves other kids, BUT he likes to play his way. I don't push the issue. I expose him to activities and places where there are other kids. I try to have play dates with other kids, kids that share similar interests, and only ever one on one. If the is more than one child involved J will take a back seat or withdraw, he can't cope.

J has fine more difficulties and is a perfectionist as are a lot of these kids, he won't draw at home, he won't write in a birthday card for me (he bought one two years ago, I was never given it it is hidden in his room). I don't push this, I will be teaching him if I can how to touch type. However saying all this J has moments when he will express a desire to have a particular pencil or book on drawing, so I will buy them.

Someone once said to me (it made sense to me, I hope it does for you ) If a disabled man was in a wheel chair would you insist on them or force them to walk? NO! So why would you force NT behaviours/expectations on an aspie child, you would assist but never force.

Hope some of this helps.

I don't. I don't push. Remind, yes. Try to encourage, yes. Stop doing it for him, when it seems appropriate, yes. But, long run, my son has to make up his own mind.

I think the "stop doing it for him" is the simpliest method. There have been plenty of times when he has asked for my assistance on something that is difficult for him, and I have said simply, "I'm sorry, but I don't believe I need to help you with that anymore. If it is important to you, you should learn the skill," because I have reached an honest conclusion that he is ready. Still, he can simply choose to forgo ... which he generally does, for a while. And then he either figures the skill out, or figures out how to work around it. Either way, it's one more step towards independence. Although ... if it ends up creating frustration, I'll go backwards. It usually doesn't, though. We're pretty in tune with each other.

We have found striking the balance between when to "push" and when to back off tricky at times. Our sons would probably never want to leave the house if given the choice, but we continue to plan activities and outings that we know will benefit them (socially, physically etc.) and 99% of the time they enjoy them, even though they would refuse to go if we allowed it.

On the other side of the coin, we only sign them up for 2 activities per season and they get to choose what the activities are (right now both are in swimming, one is in soccer and one is taking art lessons), and we make sure that these activities only require one session a week (i.e. the soccer is not a competitive league with practises and games, but just a fun hour per week to play soccer with other kids). As it has become clear their skills don't usually develop at the same pace as the other kids, we encourage them to do their best, but aren't too worried about them "passing" each level anymore. It would take them endless, miserable practising in between lessons in order to acquire the new skills in the allotted 10 weeks, and even then if something is distracting them during the evaluation they won't be able to show what they do know. We count it as a success if they are trying to listen to the teacher/coach, get on with the other kids a little, improve their own personal best and most importantly have some fun.

We do not push them socially. They get to choose when and if they have play dates and with which kids, and although I am trying to figure out how to facilitate better play dates for them, I don't get annoyed with them for having difficulty with getting along with the other kids. As my sons have become older it has become really clear how confusing and overwhelming they can find social situations. On our last play date the visiting boy asked a question my son clearly wasn't expecting and he actually called out to me in the next room, "Mom, please help!" It was heartbreaking to hear that note of panic in his voice, just because he didn't know how to answer a simple, polite question from another little boy. I remember feeling similarly when I was a kid and I think pushing him in this area would only create more anxiety. And we also practise role play meeting people, how to make friends etc. but in a casual, encouraging way.

What Aurea said about the home readers from school sounded all too familiar. I used to insist that my sons do their "home reading" every night, which usually consisted of some dry, little book that they had zero interest in. By the end of grade one, both of my sons who had been early and avid readers, told me that they hated reading. Now I never force them to do their reading homework anymore, and they are once again reading voraciously for pleasure and are among the top readers in their classes. The teachers aren't big fans of us ignoring the reading program, but if it makes them hate reading, what's the point?!

Sometimes I still don't know exactly how much to require of either of them? I don't want to require too little and not help them reach their full potentials, and I don't want to let them grow up feeling constantly miserable and overwhelmed, and create a sense of failure by asking for too much (my own childhood). It's something my DH and I are constantly negotiating and adjusting.

One of those perpetual and universal challenges of parenting. Made more important for us because our children are a bit more complex. Definitely a constant work in process.

PS - as I read everyone else's answers, I am realizing that the term "push" means different things to different people. It could be said, then, based on what I've read, that I do "push" my son in certain areas: to me, he MUST meet his obligations. I work with him on picking them, adapting them, etc., but they must be met. So, when he signed up for soccer this spring season and discovered he wasn't enjoying his new team like he had his last ones, I sat down with him and talked through all the hurdles, worked to eliminate them, and then told him simply that we would do the best with it we could but he signed up, he choose it, and he was going. Once I got him on the field and more comfortable, he was fine. Great, even. Remembering why he ever wanted to do it in the first place. Get, geez, getting him on that field this time was HARD.

I encourage my 5, almost 6 year old Aspie, to do many things he doesn't want to do because he feels he can't do them well or at all.

He really hates it when he can't remember something or physically can't do something.

I encourage him to keep trying, even if he needs to stop a the time because he is too frustrated. I also tell him that even daddy has a hard time doing and remembering some things. I will fail intentionally at simple tasks in front of him and act frustrated and try again to help provide an example he can grasp visually. Sometimes I will complete the task, sometimes I won't then I will come back later and try again and succeed. Same with not being able to remember things, although this rarely intentional, lol.

Sometimes when I just make mistakes when in a hurry or not paying attention I point it out to him and his brother so they can see that it is OK to fail sometimes and be frustrated about it.

I don't force him to do anything. Based upon our therapists recommendation, if he refuses to do something we say, "I understand your "insert emotion here" but this is something you should/need to do. Whenever you're ready to do it let me know when your done or if need help let me know and I will help.

This almost always get the job done within 30 minutes.

Anyway, I hope this helps out some.

My son is 6. I encourage him to use good manners and to respond to people when they speak to him directly. He does pretty well in the area of self-care (sometimes he needs a little reminder like "brush your teeth", etc.).

Socially, he is still overwhelmed by the idea of large gatherings such as childrens' birthday parties. I don't force him to attend things like that. He prefers to just play with one or two kids for now and that is fine.

Thanks for those replies. Lots of insights and food for thought

I guess I should have remembered that none of you know me and therefore you wouldn't know how I define terms like "push", "punish" etc.

So to clarify, we practise gentle discipline with our children, we avoid things like smacking, arbitrary removal of privileges, time outs or artificial consequences. We will occasionally allow natural consequences to occur and will use minimal physical restraint as a last resort if they were hurting someone or breaking somebody's things. We try our best to avoid judgmental language, that is we try to encourage rather than praise and observe rather than criticise or belittle, although we will state that some things are categorically not OK. But most of our guidance consists of explaining what we would like them to do and why, and designating some things as negotiable and some as not negotiable.

So when I talk about whether or not to "push" something, I guess what I mean is to what extent should/can we shield him from the kinds of situations that normal children encounter. Eg at the moment, he does not do any formal group activities at all. The most children he sees at one time would be maybe six, if we do something with two other families we're friends with. I'm aware that he finds strangers or larger groups intimidating, but is helping him to avoid these just enabling his lack of development? Some people are suggesting that taking him into situations that are out of his comfort zone more regularly would help him "get over" his difficulties more quickly. But my issue with this is that other people just don't understand how uncomfortable he actually becomes (because he doesn't tend to cry or have tantrums or otherwise express it, he usually just withdraws and ignores others).

So yeah, our preference has been to tell him clearly and repeatedly what is expected, but try not to react when he doesn't do it. Eg in private I would say "It's nice to say hello back when x says hello to you. It hurts her feelings when she says hello and you don't answer". Then when the other child is here "You could say hi to x". Then not make an issue of it when he doesn't.

But it's painful to see how the other kids gradually stop make overtures. They will start off enthusiastically wanting to play with him, but the more he blanks them and refuses to interact normally, the less they bother. I really worry that he is going to end up miserable because he never learns how to make a friend.

The other thing is that I don't want him to see his diagnosis as an excuse for not making any effort. To use your analogy Aurea, I wouldn't expect the wheelchair user to get up and walk, but at the same time I wouldn't assume that he can't see or hear because he's in a wheelchair! It's a fact of life that we all have to do things we're not 100% comfortable with. I'm not the most sociable person in the world, and sometimes I privately agree with my son that small talk is rather pointless (see where he gets it from :lol) but sometimes we just go through the required ritual to ensure that people are comfortable and interactions go smoothly. The reality is that if you start with "Hi, how are you" instead of "I want " the person is going to be more disposed to be helpful.