School situation - WWYD?

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Hello everyone! I am new here and relatively new to our son's diagnosis (but not new to the thought) of high-functioning autism. I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can offer, especially from those who have been there and done that.

Our son will be turning five next month and starting kindergarten this fall. Three months ago, he was diagnosed with high-functioning autism by a trusted psychologist. I would like to interject that while hubby and I were in her office, we felt more at home with the other families and children than ever before. In any case... she advised us to go home and call the school board immediately and have him placed in school ASAP. She highly recommended (without placing blame ) a structured, social environment (I am a SAHM) and said that the school would know exactly what to do. Tell them to get records from her, keep copies of anything they give us, etc. She wants to see our son again in May and wants him in school before then. She had also stated that he is "so high-functioning he might have passed under the radar and you are both wonderful for being so observant and eager to help him." She did not mention exactly what he would need as far as OT/PT, but she did witness a lot of the behaviors that had us concerned. We felt/feel very confident in her.

As soon as we got home we placed a call and called back the next day after receiving no word. We were told to come in that Friday (end of February) for testing. I filled out a questionnaire about his abilities, mostly physical and learning related. Can he catch a ball? Can he count to 10? He can count to 50, and point to the numbers, and I have only helped him up to 20. He loves to play football and has mild difficulty catching, but he has been vastly improving with practice. He's on par with other "NT's" in the physical area, as far as we and the psychologist are concerned.

I gave the school our psychologist's information and signed for a release. I mentioned often that he had already received a diagnosis. The assistant did not seem interested.

The testing our son underwent was the DIAL-3 -- Developmental Indicators for the Assessment of Learning, third edition, as my report to parents indicates. Their report/assessment at the time indicated he needs "Prior Intervention Monitoring" and that his delays are primarily in physical development and adaptive skills. "Needs to address social/emotional and communication during prior intervention." is also written on our report. He has been listed as "appears to be functioning within normal limits at this time in the areas of: Social/emotional, cognitive, communication and articulation."

Upon speaking with the school psychologist, she asked if I had entered our son into any preschool or daycare programs. I noted that I had not. She seemed to have cited that. She said, "Your son may or may not be autistic. We will make that diagnosis during our prior intervention monitoring each Friday and determine what help, if any, he may need." She made a strong and rather bold suggestion that I hold him back and enroll him in preschool this year. Neither my husband nor I agree with this in ANY WAY. He is not stupid! When I expressed I did not agree with this, she mentioned that in our elementary school many of the children had attended preschool and thus would have a "one up" on our son's social skills. She tried to convince me to register him (might I add, it's a lotto system, meaning that we may or may not get in this year and thus waste even more time?) and if we changed our minds, that would be okay. But that it would be "ideal" for him. The aide/teacher/what-have-you in the room with her at the time (our son was just outside the room in another office playing) made mention that "So he'll be 19 at the time of graduation? Boys can handle it. Some boys need it!" Excuse me?? What?!

Each Friday we go for monitoring for an hour and a half, in what appears to be nothing more than a normal pre-school environment where the teacher's and teachers aide's make special note of the children's behavior and responses during class time. For what it's worth, there are four children in his monitoring classes, each with special needs. Each time I am told that he is "very intelligent, smart like a whip, I mean really smart... but he has trouble focusing!" Last week I was told to "Try teaching him how to sit properly at home. If he has his legs out to the side, you see, he is ready to go. In his mind, he is on the go. If you teach him to keep his legs straight out, he will be focused on what he is doing." Now, first off, he defied that while sitting in the class as I was listening to the teacher. He was sitting properly and still got up several times, on the go. Second off, what do you think I've been doing for two years now? I try to have him sit proper when he colors, or other similar activities, or when we're eating dinner. It never fails. He goes off into his own.

In any case, holding him back goes against all of our beliefs in our son. I know he is very intelligent. I do NOT underestimate anything that anyone is capable of, ASD or NT! But I believe he needs speech therapy and I am almost certain he is going to receive a diagnosis of "ADHD" from the school and told to be put on meds and not receive the help he is entitled to. I know we still have to follow through with this Prior Intervention Monitoring and meet again with the psychologist in May to share our updates with her, but what would you do given all the feelings involving the school thus far? How can I express my concerns and his needs to them any more clearly?

What I would like, in the long run, is for our son to be included in the mainstream at our elementary school -- which seems to be the norm according to their website. They have OT/PT on site. Should I try to contact them (again -- I left a message a few weeks back) and see what suggestions they offer, wait until the school year begins and make note of his psychologist's diagnosis and let this prior intervention go under the rug, wait until we meet with our psychologist again in May or what? I seem anxious, and admittedly I am, but I want to make sure I am doing all I can for our wonderful son. He is so bright and full of love that it's hard for me to see how anyone could seemingly ignore that he does truly need a little assistance on his journey.

If you've read this far, bless you and again, thank you in advance for any advice or wisdom sent our way! I hope to be able to assist other parents one day.

Wow... well my first inclination would be to go back to the TRUSTED psychologist and ask her opinion, after telling her everything that is going on.

I have no clue what would be beyond that, besides seeing what she counsels and going with your gut instinct.

I am so sorry this is happening to you!

How do the school systems work in your area? Some of the schools in our area offer enrollment in their schools for a fee even if they are out of your area.

We actually chose our new house because of the school system here, and they have been great working with us.

I agree with Deten that it might be helpful to contact the original DR...she may have an overly idealist idea of how schools funtion(trying to save themselves money and "inconvenience").I also think looking into another school might serve you well. I dont agree with their assesment about holding him back as my own experience would indicate MORE behavior and learning problems caused by being under challenged and bored. Are there any resources for aspie children in your area. Other parents may know of more supportive(educated)school systems that are more helpful for aspie.I really hate how they get grouped in with other learning disabilities....AS is seldom a learning disability but more of needing a different teaching system in some situations and throwing them in with a bunch of loud,hyper kids is not going to help their concentration and focus.(regular classrooms are noisy enough).

Thanks for the fast reply Detren! Husband's best thought at this point is to just wait and meet with our trusted psychologist as well, although we are not sure how much of a thorn she could be in the school's side or what else she could offer. I should mention, she is in another county (an hour north of us) and so I think our school systems may have differences. Our city is a bit -- marginally -- smaller.

It's okay that it's happening to us, but it's not okay for our son if you know what I mean! Our school systems will transfer between the elementary schools if you put in a special request, but I am pretty certain the elementary school we're zoned for has the best options as far as OT, etc.

I am not beyond moving, even a long distance closer to other relatives, but unfortunately it would have to wait -- older family in a hospital nearby and we are due with baby 3 in November. Feel chaotic yet? C'est la vie! Thanks again

Hi krex, thank you as well!

Should I try going in to the schools and actually catching someone face-to-face and finding out what their opinions may be, while waiting for May to roll around? You can't get what you want without ever asking, and sometimes still no, but it never hurts to try right?

I agree and understand AS/ASD is seldom a learning disability. I will have to look around again and see what Southeastern resources there are. I could not find anything immediately in the area, but that does not mean something doesn't exist close by at the least. Much appreciated!

homeschool, homeschool, homeschool, and homeschool.

Homeschool if you possibly can. Home-unschooling where he does what he wants when he wants, and doesn't have his curiosity and motivation stamped out by schools pointless time-wasting rituals and unnecessary restrictions and boredom.

My 8 year old tried school for a few weeks aged 5 and has home-unschooled ever since. He learned to read and write playing games on the internet, and is a happy boy, still capable of self -directed activity, still with confidence in his own abilities, who sees no reason to wait for someone else to tell him things before he can learn.

Home-(un)school if you possibly can.

Hi and welcome!
My son is also diagnosed HFA.

The idea of talking to the first psychologist is very good.

My personal opinion may go a little against the grain.
School is many things - and learning to read is just one of them! Maybe the idea of a year to learn the basic social skills isn't so bad.
I realize your kid is smart!! But starting at school is stressfull for all kids, and our kids are especially easily stressed. He may be so stressed out by the change of scene that he would profit from a year to climatize. It would be sad if he was so challenged by a new enviroment - the classroom and other kids - that he doesn't have the excess to learn.

I personally wouldn't worry about his intellect at the moment - these kids can learn a years worth in a week if they are motivated!
I would worry about his happiness, and the time it will take him to adjust.

The school's reaction is similar what we experienced. Since my son had not been in daycare and was an only child, they figured his lack of social skills was due to that. They said he was a little delayed in speech, but refused to give him services for kindergarten and first grade.

For kindergarten, he was thrown into mainstream class of 30 kids, 1 teacher, 1 teacher's aide. It was a spectacular disaster from day 1. Everything else that followed (IEP, placement changes, etc...) was a disaster as well. I started homeschooling in 2nd grade and he is making real gains now.

Some kids with ASD can do well in mainstream. Public school administrators would certainly prefer to stick your kid in mainstream without IEP. They might give you the run around and deny services until your son exhibits major problems at school. (that's how we were treated).

I'm just going to let you know what our experience has been --

We too had a son diagnosed at age five. He was in a preschool (some typical children, others with special needs) for about a year or less. We talked to the person who diagnosed him, the people at the preschool and the district special ed coordinator (who had only visited with our son once) and ALL said he was ready for school based on how smart he was. So that's what we did.

We have said MANY, MANY, MANY times, we wish that we had held him back.

He was very bright. Socially, he was very behind, and a year would have given him a chance to catch up. He is now 12 years old, and he is mainstreamed completely, but remains socially young for his age. This is a very advanced world, especially in middle and high school. NT children grow up very fast, and are wise to the world -- our son is not. He has friends, thank heavens, but he is very innocent. A year of being held back would have been helpful to him.

I not only have HIS experience to talk about, but I have a 21 year old in college who we CONSTANTLY said would have benefited from being held back. He is in college, and he is fine now, but he also struggled a little in middle school and high school. He was VERY BRIGHT, academically maybe could have jumped a grade, but socially he would have done much better had we held him back.

Should you make the decision to go ahead and send him to school, he will probably be fine, eventually. But you may be giving him a real gift if you allow him to go through a year of preschool first. It's an advantage to him to be one of the brightest in the class. It's an advantage to him to be one of the biggest in the class. It's an advantage to him to have some of his physical abilities catch up to his mental abilities. Most of the kids my children go to school with are held back -- to give them this advantage. I used to be skeptical of people doing that, but I no longer am. I can see, over the many years of observing, what a benefit this is to children.

Kris

we were uncertain if we should hold our son back or let him start with his same age peers and we are so glad we didn't wait. I think he would have been bored if we had held him back. Socially, it's still a challenge but thankfully he loves school and wants to go every day. He is now at the end of 1st grade and it has been a little bit of a struggle to get him what he needs but we hung in there and he is successful so far. We just know we can't let up on the school. I have heard too many horror stories of parents who are not proactive. He is your child--YOU know him best. Fight for what you think he needs.

Hi,

I have a 7 year old son with AS (high functioning). Like Katrine, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for your son not to be pushed ahead. If his social and speech skills are lower than the other kids, he will stand out more if in an older class. I don't know the education system in your country, but schools here are moving towards teaching to individual needs, ie. bright kids should be extended wherever they are. My son is the oldest in his year, for which I'm glad because it gives him the space to catch up socially, and his speech still needs working on. We are also looking at eventually enrolling him in a one-day-a-week school for gifted students, and he goes to school as normal the other four days.

I disagree with the person who suggested homeschooling straight off. If you get a good school and supportive teachers with IEPs etc., then I reckon school is the best place for social development. Sure, if it isn't working, then consider homeschooling, but why shut down the school option without giving it a go?

I wish you all the best. Be encouraged - I think most of us here go through a whole lot of "clouds of doubt" about who to trust professionally, and then to work out as parents what is the best course of action.

If you are really asking what I would do, and not what should you do, I would homeschool and give him a ball to sit on for classes and have lots of lessons with kinetics. Have him hop five times to a piece of tape on the floor, and then hop twice more. Mark each hop spot with a piece of tape and have him count the spots. Practice long hops, short hops. Hop to different color tapes. Have him play the Dance Dance Revolution video game with the version for little kids. Enroll him in karate and gymnastics and soccer. Let him bounce his head on the floor while you read to him as long as he can answer questions about what you read. Paint one of his bedroom walls with blackboard paint and let him write large motion letters before making him write small on paper. Get him an active dog and let them take agility classes (after puppy training classes of course and neutering). Have him and the dog enter competitions.
I could do that because I don't have a baby coming.

Is it possible to consult with the psychologist NOW? I would assume that the scheduling of a May meet was on the assumption that the plan discussed was going to be enacted. Now that you are getting different recommendations from your school district, I would not wait, and would review the situation with the psychologist further, as soon as possible.

I have to say, the decision on starting a child in school or holding them back is one of the hardest any parent makes. It's like you need a looking glass into the future but no one can sell you one. Go entirely with your instincts on that one. Social development and overall maturity is VERY important, probably more than acedemic, but I can also understand wanting to give your child the learning experience he is longing for.

The primary purpose of preschool is to teach children the social rules for school. From those who haven't learned their letters all through those who have been reading since age 2, this is what is really going to be new to them about school.

My NT daughter is the one I wish I had held back, for social development, but that ship has sailed. Every fall we struggle with the evidence of her delays socially and emotionally, and the months it takes her to catch up to the new scheme of things.

BUT, I read your post and it really jumped out at me that these people at your school district are not seeing a child on the spectrum. Have him sit still? Point his legs in a certain direction? Lol, my son is in fifth grade and he still won't sit still, and never will. Nor does he sit in any normal position. His teachers are so on board with that that it isn't even needed in his IEP. It is completely normal for a spectrum child to be a pretzel. I actually give you a lot of credit for having succeeded in getting him to sit properly for his coloring! So, it surprises me that anyone at the school would treat sitting position as a simple solution.

And if they are doubting the diagnosis already, will they actually give you the services needed? Or will they always downplay your concerns? These are really good things to know before starting at a school, and I would use this opportunity to assess all of that.

Long run, K v. preschool is going to be a lot less important that having the RIGHT school (or homeschool) environment for your unique child. If you are already feeling battled by the school, instead of feeling like you are preparing to join a successful team, that is something to think very hard about.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 26 Mar 2008, 4:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Results/studies increasingly show that homeschooled children have better social skills, have higher self esteem, are more able to talk with people of all ages, and show more creative/original problem solving abilities, than children who have always been in the school system.

Homeschooling at whatever age does not "shut down" the school option. It is perfectly possible, and frequently done by older children as they establish their specialist interest, the direction they want to go in, to go back to school/college to pursue it in depth. Homeschooling dioes not prevent you from entering the school system later on.

Universities, in the UK at least, are increasingly keen on homeschoolers because they are more mature, more capable of self-directed learning/work, and are usually far more motivated than most state school entrants.

Homeschooling is very far from being the last resort solution you paint it as.

oiunon makes some good points, above.

I don't like the idea of sending a child to school specifically to learn social skills. I think it's more the flip way around, that success in school outside of the home is dependent on HAVING social skills. Outside of certain programs for special needs students, schools generally do not, in my experience, teach social skills any more or less than everyone else in the child's life does. A bit of a chicken v. egg question, really.

My son as part of his IEP does get social skills training, but that is no different than what I could have arranged from home. The resource teacher sits with him and a group of friends and aids them in negotiating play. It's called lunch bunch. He LOVES it, and that is a service I think is very important to spectrum children attending public schools.

My daughter, who is not in special education, only gets "social" assistance from a teacher when she either breaks a school rule, or is involved when another child breaks a school rule.

First: what the heck is the school thinking of reevaluating your son!

Second: this may be out of line, but I got thinking about your situation, and it reminded me of when my son was diagnosed.

I didn't shed a tear when he was diagnosed - I knew it was coming.
But when the word "special education" came up, my legs literally turned to jelly and I collapsed.
Shortly afterwards, while my son was still at his normal kindergarten, there was an outing he wasn't allowed to go on. I freaked! I literally phoned everybody and anybody I could think of to make sure my son could go on that outing.... and he did end up going!
What I am trying to say is that it wasn't the diagnosis itself that made me react - the diagnosis was just a word, it didn't change who my son was. It was the consequences of the diagnosis that freaked me out. I grossly overreacted about that outing, but it was my way of dealing with my son having autism.

Maybe I'm not being very clear, but I just thought of how hard it is to deal with a situation like the one your family is in.

Last edited by katrine on 27 Mar 2008, 1:38 am, edited 1 time in total.