Other People's Kids, and when to say something??

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There are two boys, ages about 8 and 6, who are brothers and constantly roam our neighborhood, disheveled and unsupervised. They both attend my son's school. From time to time, they show up at our house - once, the 6 year old showed up three times in one afternoon, unaccompanied, just all by himself. I've never met their parents. When my son asked for their phone number, they said they didn't have one, that both their parents' cell phones didn't work. (which for some reason I didn't believe) Today when they showed up, they said they did have a phone now. But when I asked them to write it down for me, neither of them knew what it was.

I think there might be something "up" with these boys, aside from them having neglectful parents. Whenever I speak to either of them, they are almost never look at me, much less look me in the eye. In fact today, both of them actually turned their backs to me while I was trying to ask them some questions about themselves and their parents. I had to ask them to turn back around so I could at least see their faces, please. They always seem confused and, well, kind of dull. I've seen the younger one take my son's bike and ride it straight out into the road, right into traffic - a van had to slam on its brakes to keep from hitting him - and the child not only continued to ride out into the street - without looking - again and again, but showed no fear, no reaction whatsoever, when that van nearly hit him. It was almost like he never even saw or heard it.

I told them both I really think it's not okay for them to be roaming the neighborhood like this, unsupervised. The oldest one said, "Well he (the younger one) always wants to go places all the time, and I have to follow him. It's a family rule." And I'm like, "What, the youngest child is making the decisions about where he gets to go and when, and you, the older one, has to just go along with that?" And he looked confused again, and they just sort of turned around (like I was a tv show they'd gotten bored with and had just turned off) and started walking away. They said bye, and said they might see if they could bring their mom over to meet me. I said that would be really good.

But honestly, I'm really nervous about meeting her.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, with this post. Could there be something "not quite typical" with these boys, or could they just be neglected, or just not real bright, or all of the above? I'm worried about a confrontation with the mother. People usually don't appreciate it if someone else thinks they are neglecting and possibly abusing their children and says so. I want to be very careful with what I say to her, but I also want her to know I'm concerned about the boys, if for no other reason than I really don't think they're old/mature/bright enough to be out unsupervised, and I've personally seen them doing dangerous things.



I've just taken a Valium.

Should I just say to her, "Nice to finally meet you, and hey let's go ahead and exchange phone numbers!" and leave it at that?

Or should I also mention, "Oh by the way, I've noticed your children always seem to be roaming the neighborhood unsupervised, and they are usually dirty or otherwise unkempt, and they usually seem to barely know where they are, and they ride bikes into traffic and also seem to have some speech dysfunction?"

I would want to know if someone saw my son riding his bike into traffic.

I guess I'm already assuming that the woman really doesn't care. Maybe that's not fair of me, but...ugh.

EEP. If I was a flapper, I'd be flying around the house right now.

Those situations are always SO difficult.

I think we, as parents, have a duty to the children to help take care of ALL the children in the neighborhood. Sometimes that will mean having to do something uncomfortable, like getting to know a mom you currently feel is irresponsible.

I think you need to make an effort to meet her, and then ask leading questions to get a better feel for the situation in that family. Withhold judgement, simply get information. Lots of it. Give yourself time to digest it. Try to see things from their point of view.

If that is too difficult for you, you may wish to ask your husband to buddy up to the father, instead (if there is a father), or pass this assignment onto someone you are comfortable with, that also has some contact with these children.

Once you have all the information, you will be in a better position to decide if there is action you can or should take. It may be as simple as letting her know a few of your concerns, and it may be as difficult as contacting social services. But you can't know what direction to take, in my opinion, without understanding who they are and what their needs are.

Oh THANK YOU for responding to this. I'm sitting here watching 60 people read this and not respond, and I'm thinking "Do they think I'm totally overreacting? Or that I should just mind my own business?" ?? But maybe people don't respond because it IS such an uncomfortable topic.

I agree we all have an obligation to look after all the kids in our neighborhood, to a reasonable degree. I also agree I need more information about what's really going on in this household before divulging what I've seen. I do know there's a new baby, and the mom stays home, so theoretically she's home during the day. Dad works somewhere. My husband met him once, briefly. I don't know if the mom is really Mom or step-mom (new babies after a gap of several years - like more than five or six - usually means a new spouse in the picture). I know mom and dad have different last names, according to the boys.

I don't want to come off like a know-it-all, or overly judgmental. And I know sometimes I assume the worst about people, because I've seen it so often. I'm like a jaded social worker, I swear, sometimes, who has just seen too much.

Also, I was raised around people who would lose their minds and act nine kinds of crazy and defensive when criticized, including getting violent. That, and some other experiences, have led me to be extremely nervous about possible "confrontation."

I think I'll just say "Hi! So glad to finally meet you! How's the baby? That's great! I've just been getting to know your boys here. They stop by nearly every day. Why don't we exchange phone numbers, so you can call if you'd like them to stop by to play for awhile, and I can get in touch with you if I need to? Maybe all us parents could get together sometime at the park with the kids?"

Anyway, thank you again for your comments. I am calmer now - I went out and swept the front porch, then the carport, then the driveway, then the sidewalk... Now I think I'll tackle the kitchen.

I make all the nieghborhood kids behave when I am outside. I don't care what other people think when I yell at thier kids. I expect and get the same from my neighbors. We can either watch our own kids or suffer with what the other neigbors dish out. It does not take long for the slacker parents to catch on to the attitude of the rest of the neigborhood. Positive control of your street creates a positive street to live on.

Bless you, I feel the same way. I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feels this responsibility! I don't go out of my way to butt in, but if it keeps showing up at my HOUSE every day, well, what then? And I've also had people scream at me, just for quietly telling their little snowflake to please stop gleefully and deliberately killing all the insects at the demonstration on insects at the museum and upsetting all the other children.

So when her three-year-old hauled herself, unsupervised (of course), over a low wall and into the tortoise pit, I didn't say a WORD. I watched the child, but as long as she wasn't hurt and she wasn't hurting the animals, I just kept my mouth shut and hoped there wasn't a rattlesnake lurking in the brush in there (we'd seen one earlier). Five or ten minutes later, the husband wandered over, saw the child, reacted like "OMFG!!" leaped in and retrieved her. He saw me, sitting there, silently. He knew I'd seen her go in, and he knew damned well why I'd not said anything - because his crazy wife had flipped out on me for the earlier incident with one of their older kids. He looked like he wanted to apologize for her, but he didn't.

Anyway, I'm very glad I'm not the last adult who feels obligated to stop ANY child who is doing something dangerous or vicious or violent or whatever. And check in if we think something might be amiss at home. I would want the same from my neighbors. I'm not calling CPS on this woman, I'm just concerned.

Glad to hear you are feeling clearer on what to do, sinagua

Unfortunately, we do sometimes have to parent other people's kids and make difficult decisions. I am one of the few moms who is outside when her kids are and all the neighborhood kids congregate around where we are. I have no problem telling them when they need to shape up. I think it is our responsibility to say something to keep them safe. I have had to call the police once. A few years ago there was a 2 year old little girl walking through our neighborhood in just a diaper and a t-shirt (in february). I brought her inside and my husband walked the neighborhood to see if anyone was looking for her. No one was and we called the cops. Unfortunately, that little girl was seriously neglected. It's not a good position to be in but when you care about children sometimes there is no choice but to push through being uncomfortable and dig a little for info to find out what is really going on. Best of luck.

Hi
Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I have had this same situation happen to me many times, I always make a point of going to the other parents house and introducing myself something like;

hi, I'm so and so's mum. I just thought I would pop around and introduce myself as your children have been coming over to play with mine. They've popped in each day for the last week and I wasn't sure if they had been telling you where they were. Maybe we could exchange phone numbers and maybe even organize to take them all to the park together sometime. Feel free to call me anytime if you need me to send the boys home, if they aren't at my house I've often seen them playing just out side in the street.

sorry it's taken so long to reply..........so overwhelmed with all the negativity ounion seems to be spreading around here. i read her posts, get so irritated, and then logoff................

i'd see if you can get the mom to come over for tea. ( or coffee, whatever).....just say that you'd like to get to know her better, as her boys have been hanging around your house lately. if you can actually get her to your house, then you can discuss all sorts of things~what tv shows you watch. what you do for work. what you do in your spare time...........some of this general information could possibly get you the information you're looking for in a non-threatening way. for example: if the mom answers your questions in the following manner- i love the jerry springer show-i was on it..... & i love to hang out at the pub ( and she still smells like the pub).........well, those answers are very telling.

it's possible that you'll never get her to your house. or that you'll get her to your house & she'll tell you a sob story, and promise to make things better- and never follow through............the boys definitely seem to have issues. if thnigs continute to escalate, and you've tried speaking with the mom/dad, then perhaps it's time to consider calling the local authorities with your concerns. you can call anonymously.

Well I posted this on Thursday, I see, and the boys never did return with her. In fact, they haven't been around here at all since that day - and school's been out for spring break. Maybe they told their mom that I said it wasn't okay for them to be roaming around unsupervised all the time, and she told them not to come here anymore? I really can't imagine.

I think your idea is a wonderful one. It's not something I'd think of on my own, because I have some social anxieties, and...what can I say? I guess as an adult, I'm still learning what's "appropriate" interaction with other adults, especially adults I have a problem with. Ever since I was a child, I'm embarrassed to admit, I actually get a little frightened when I have to deal with someone I don't understand (funny, since who among us understands anybody, really, when you get down to it?), and especially if I think they might get upset. Maybe I have some neuro-atypical stuff going on with me. I don't know. It's extremely likely. Or maybe it's just PTSD.

Anyway, thanks for your comments. I know what you mean about ouinon - I started giggling the other night, imagining some parent posting that their child has frequent headaches, or a rash or something like that, and picturing ouinon slowly turning her head like fun-house clown (those terrifying ones) and saying slowly, "Headache? Nose bleed? Rash? Bunions? Dry skin? HAVE...YOU...CONSIDERED...[ominous rising music] HOMESCHOOLING??! !!"



There. I made myself laugh. That's better. Because I'm ready to strangle my darling son this morning.

hee hee.....love the comment about homeschooling!

i also have some anxiety when it comes to dealing with others. i am eccentric. i always have been. i can still remember as a child being told that i was wierd.....makes it difficult sometimes to interact with others. i either feel like they're looking at me as if i'm wierd or like i have to hide the fact that i am different...........sure lots of people on these boards can relate to that.

Hmm, I think the best thing to do is just keep the two boys busy with your son and maybe have a sort of thing where all the kids in the neighborhood come for activities at your house or other parents' houses on different days anddo things they like and find fun. Or maybe not, I don't know.

This is a bit off the topic, but I just wanted to say something in Ouinon's defence. I can relate to Ster and Sinaqua, because a couple of posts got up my nose the other day - in fact, I posted one as an objection myself. But then later I read that Ouinon is undiagnosed AS and I got to thinking that since this is a site that is supposed to be supportive of AS people and those affected by it, then I just had to take a chill pill and accept that people handle things differently, and ditch my NT expectations. Let's face it, most of us spend half our lives hoping that our AS kids won't be teased and joked about, so we might as well make sure that AS people on this site are treated in the same regard.

Anyway, I hope that noone thinks that this is a "holier-than-thou" post or that I'm telling people off. . . or that it is said in a patronising way about Ouinon. I'd just want everyone to feel that they're valued and important, even if some of us do get up each other's noses from time to time (me included). Have a great day everyone.

I appreciate your comments. I really wasn't trying to be ugly, just sort of add a bit of levity to a situation (that ouinon is, unarguably, an extremely avid advocate of home schooling - Not That There's Anything Wrong With That). I don't think she's an awful person, and have no problem with her personally, or indeed with anyone here.

I also suspect strongly that I, too, have undiagnosed AS, but haven't felt the need to mention it in my profile, wanting mainly to focus on my son with AS. We're all people here, quirks and triggers and all.

((Group Hug))

Sweet as.

in my defense, i live with 3 aspies........yes, i'm sure ouinon is AS.....just can't deal with it some days..........i feel i'm surrounded, and sometimes i seek WP out as a haven away from my own aspies......