overwhelmed by parenting-- for parents with AS or who are NT

Post Reply New Topic

I know NT parents must feel like this too (like I am being slowly killed or suffocated by parenting), but I keep wondering if my problems in parenting are rooted in AS: a high need for privacy, intolerance about being interrupted, intolerance to noise, inability to "work as a group," difficulty making conversation, and not being freely and spontaneously affectionate (I have to think about it).

But the constant giving and self-sacrifice is wearing. I feel like I don't even know who I am or what I would be other than a parent. The constant demands on me make me confused and in pain.

On the positive side, I know I am not a bad parent, I almost never yell and certainly never hit. If I feel a meltdown coming on I try to seclude myself or just calm down. But it seems sad that I would even have to point this out . I just feel like however good of a parent I manage to be, there's going to be a piece missing that is caused by AS. There's a spontaneity and natural instinct to interact, that is missing, that I see in other parents.

My children give me enormous joy, but there are many moments where I can almost feel myself caving in, on the inside, mentally and emotionally. It's just TOO MUCH sometimes!

Do any parents *with* AS feel this too? What about the NT parents here? Do you think having an AS child is particularly exhausting? My children are on the spectrum and sometimes it feels like they are 10 kids in one body, they are so tiring and intense. I feel tired out by my own intensity, and then on top of that, I'm constantly trying to manage theirs.

I have already reached out for help as much as is available, and have tried to relieve the weight as much as is realistic. But I still feel like I'm in over my head, a lot of the time.

both my husband ( who has AS) and myself ( NT) find parenting exhausting and mentally draining....i know my husband has a harder time than i do.......i just shake my head at people who have the nerve to complain to me about their child who is "oh the horror! getting only a B in their class" (note the sarcasm)..............it's draining not only to deal with the intricacies of AS, but also to deal with the outside world who don't understand

Wisteria, parenting is a tough job, period. Everyone feels the way you do at times. Those who claim they don't are either oblivious or lying. Of course, the degrees vary a lot, and I suspect that the difficulties are harder on an AS parent than on an NT parent, but I say that only as a broad generalization, I am sure there are exceptions both ways.

As long as you are being the best parent you can be, and keep plugging away at it, you are being the best parent your children could have asked for. EVERYONE can look at other people and see traits they lack, and would wish for themselves. But it runs in all directions. You never know what they are seeing in your parenting that THEY wish they could emulate.

Make some time for yourself. Be easy on yourself.

The NT parents I have seen have the ability to shut off the parenting every once in a while. They are social enough to have resources to support them (babysitters, play dates) and an adult social life away from their kids. NTs also seem to be able to float away from their kids, like they aren't focused on them all the time, even if they are doing something with them. They do group activities too so they share the burden of watching the kids.

My family on the other hand is totally different. We've been anti-social to the point of never having babysitters, we don't live near reliable family, it's a struggle to meet other adults for adult time. So, overall it's a very insular, autistic family. Up until very recently, there was little time to destress so the sensory issues were overwhelming and we'd bounce off each other.

The bonus to being this kind of family though, is that Pop knows we love him and that he is very important to us. My husband and I did not get that at all from our parents. We also think alike and can relate to each other. I was literally like an alien in my family, my parents never understood me.

I would say that you are probably the best parent for your kids, AS and all. You will deal with them in a logical way and have good reasons for everything. I found the hypersocial environment with my folks so threatening and demeaning and unnatural.

I wouldn't blame AS for your exhaustion. Look for ways to do for yourself that you used to do.

Being self dx AS, a little one that has ADD, and I'm not sure if he's AS, another that's NT and a partner that's NT, I know the struggle of which you speak.

I know, as you say, that I'm not a bad parent. As a matter of fact, because I know about myself, I can see things in my kids that my NT partner does not. I can explain when they shut down, or can't deal with a sweater that "doesn't feel right". Or need to be warned ten minutes ahead of time that we are going to do something else.

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I sometimes shut down and hide in my own world where the kids are on the outside. But they've learned they have to touch me to call me back. They've learned to cradle my face and make me look at them. Sometimes they even flicker the lights (turn them on and off) to get my attention.

I see my NT partner get frustrated too, and just go into the bedroom and shut the door. I see her grab a book and tell me that she's off duty for the night. I know we love the kids and they love us. I know they are thriving and are good kids.

Hang in there...parenting is the toughest job you'll ever do. Do you have family or friends that can babysit they one night a month, maybe? Or hire a babysitter? How old are they? There are so many ways you can get help and manage to regain your sanity...it can be done!!

It's hard.

I have fibro, chronic fatigue, the same sensory issues alot of us seem to have.

My mother has health problems I'm trying to help her out as much as I can and take care of my son, I really have no friends to call, no other relatives...my ex husband lives 20 miles away and we don't really communicate well at all. I have no "social life", heck I'd be too tired for one if I actually did have the time for it anyways. My ex gets my son on weekends mostly and I crash or try to get things done that I couldn't during the week.

My son's getting older, and he's showing more and more of the same little quirks I had/have, I worry...alot. I don't talk much, afraid of unloading too much "baggage" on someone if I could seriously talk to them, or that they wouldn't understand anyways. Some nights I go to bed wondering how I'm going to crawl out of it in the morning, some nights I just don't sleep much and thank god for stocking a seemingly endless supply of coffee in the cupboard.

Some days go great, alot fortunately go fairly smoothly, others I feel like I'm just getting through. Today has been one of the later or I probably wouldn't have even posted...tomorrow I'm hoping for something in the middle. I've got a really great kid, I wouldn't trade him for the world...just get so tired some days, I look at the other NT mother's and I'm sure it's just as tough for them...but they make it look so easy some days...and I'm jealous.

i have days or weeks or months like that too. i just feel so overwhelmed by my kids, especailly becasue i just don't get it all yet. AS has it's own language and way of speaking and since i am new to it it's frustrating to realize i'm doing it laa wrong some days, but at least i'm realizing it.
somedays i feel like i have nothing left to give to my kids i am just so drained by life and they just need more of me thhan i have to give.
try to focus on the positive things in your life and if possible get out as regularily as possible.
all i can say is you're not alone and while i will never be able to fully understand where you're coming from, myself being NT, you are not alone. and hopefully that thought helps.

I am NT with one AS child and one NT child. I find that my AS child is the equivalent of about four of my NT child in terms of mental/emotional energy that needs to be expended trying to help him stay on an even keel. And also his various issues mean that it's almost impossible to get him babysat, because I only know a couple of people who are prepared to look after him and who he is comfortable to go with.

I have two diagnosed AS with ADHD and a suspected daughter with AS, with diagnosed ADHD/dysfunction and motion perception. I myself as an adult was diagnosed HFA earlier this year.

I'm the only one being able to warp between things And being able to follow them in their jumps between things. And my ex thinks I'm weird. Startrek Warpspeed is just a fraction of the speed they change in thoughts and so on. And I mostly manage to follow them.

Gee, some times me and my ex want to kill our kids, but then, there's just that flash of a couple of eyes full with pranks and you can't stop loving them. Darn bastards! <grin>

Right now (we're separated and best friends) I have my 10y son living with me. He's been fragging me in Unreal so I shoved him into bed yesterday just to be able to do some work (and he hurt me because he's 10 times better than me in unreal tournament and Q3 Arena and I've been a Elite player (Clan rank 7 Europa))

And second ditto.

Things have improved massively since got the internet, even more since got two computers, also since live in peaceful village with very little noise, and have been on gf/cf diet for six months. But for years I wanted to run away, to leave my son and his papa. For years I used to say to people that my life had ended.

I could hardly bear the constant company, the noises, the responsibility, the need to deal with things at certain times, the demand on my attention. I eventually insisted on a clocking off time, usually around 20.30 every day. I go to bed for a few hours in the day sometimes to recharge.
We also have never once had a baby sitter. My 8 year old home-unschools too.

But life now is getting good. I'm beginning to be happy again. It has taken 8 years and about 6 months though. It is literally the last few months that I have felt a renewed sense of my self. For a while, back in 2003-2004 I also began to feel better about things but then we tried school, and that was a major set back.

I am AS something/aspergers, as is my son though he has more language difficulties than me. His papa is NT, which is almost more wearing sometimes! This was all a kind of accident, and for a long time seemed like a disaster. The first 2 and a half years a day didn't go by without me considering running away.

good luck.

Yeah, my husband has different sensory issues than I do. He doesn't freak out over Pop's activity like I do. So, I know that I get sensory overload at home with only a couple of things happening at a time. I notice too much, it seems. IN the past months, I've started "private time" with Pop where we close the doors and I get my time in my room and he can do whatever (even cuss) in the other room. This helps immensely.

while i am NT and it is probably nowhere near the issues as AS parents have, i still get distracted by ither things and have a hard time multi tasking.
and then my son keeps asking me all these math questions becasue it is what he loves
"hey mom what's 9x13?" adn my daughter is chattering away . it is all so overwhelming at times but then there's the hugs and kisses and the i love you's with the huge smiles that make it all worth while, but every now and again i need my mommy time out's too.

I so understand what you feel. My husband is amazing with my kiddo and he's NT. He's VERY NT... For a long time I noticed that when my son would go out alone with my husband, my husband would say that he had done great at the store, etc...but when it was with me, well, it was a very different story.

What I learned was that my husband is very calm...and of course, nothing EVER seems to bother him...Where with me, if things aren't perfect, I start melting down...My kiddo can sense that too...so he will push me to the edge...literally, he'll poke me, pinch me, talk, talk, talk until I have a major meltdown...so, what have I learned?

1. when I got out with him to a store, it is NEVER because I need something, but because HE wants to go to the store...that way, I am not stressed that I have to get something and he is not listening to me...
2. I go to the stores to get OUR stuff mostly alone...or send my husband...
3. at home, well, if I feel starting to meltdown, I'll just take a shower...hehe...at least there, I can relax a bit and start over...
4. the greatest thing was we made a "life is good room" in our house...we had a couple of yoga mats, some classical music, a water fountain, etc...and when I was worn out, if my kiddo was way too intense, I would walk in the room and tell him that we were going to "relax" in the life is good room...turned off the lights, put the music on and we would just lay on the mats taking deep breaths...I tell you, there is NOTHING like that break...he loves it as well.

As far as NT parents...everyone has good and bad...there are things that I wish I could do as NT parents do, yet there are many things that I know my child will benefit from me being AS...

As far as I know I am NT, but with Aspie traits (sensory issues etc.) and I often find parenting very, very stressful.