Perceives physical threat where there is none?

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We have had several incidents where one of my sons perceives another person's actions as a threat to his physical safety and reacts violently toward them.

For example yesterday we were getting ready to go to the zoo, and I had just finished putting a thick layer of cream on his chin to help the eczema that he gets there. He is very much into giving me hugs lately (grabbing me forcefully around the waist and burrowing his head into me), and went to give me one. To stop his cream from getting all over my clothes I quickly cradled his chin in my hand to shield it from my body, and he freaked out. Screaming "You tried to choke me!" and "I'll rip off your hand!" over and over again, and grabbing onto my hand and squeezing as hard as he could. Let me make it clear that neither I nor my husband have ever used any type of physical violence toward our children. We would never spank, grab or anything like that. If there had been time, I would have asked him to keep his face away from me, without touching him unexpectedly because I know he hates that, but he grabbed me so quickly there wasn't time. It was awful to hear him accusing me of such a thing! But I calmly explained the difference between the way I had touched his chin and choking, and when he had finally calmed down (about 30 min later), I took away a privilege for him threatening me (against our house rules).

We had another incident where his dad accidentally bonked him on the head with a backpack, and he screamed that he had been punched in the head. This has also happened many times at school...a child who bumps into him has pushed him, or a child touches him and L says he has been punched etc. I am worried for a few different reasons...obviously if he accuses DH or I of using violence toward him in public or to his teachers etc. it could end up being a nightmare for our family?! I am also really concerned about him getting himself into trouble by retaliating violently toward one of these perceived threats. He has already been in trouble many times for retaliating verbally. I also don't want him to end up in a "boy who cried wolf" situation, particularly at school. If he makes frequent complaints about these type of misperceptions, will anyone be willing to listen to him if he really is being bullied?

Has anyone else dealt with this type of misunderstanding?

Yes, I've noticed similar patterns, but they are diminshing with time.

I wonder if the problem comes from the child perceiving basically all sensory stimulation so much stronger than most people do. They act strongly, they perceive strongly. There is no sense of moderation or degree. And they overwhelm very easily, in which instance they no longer CAN accurately perceive degree or intent.

In the moment, there isn't much you CAN do, because the child will need to adjust down a notch, and find reality again.

Once things have returned to calm, I think you simply keep working at it. Talking about particular incidents, discussing how it is from your perspective, asking the child to explain it from theirs.

We also have this problem. One side is probably sensory, maybe another side is problems with theory of mind/intention.
It can be embaressing But I just say "No, I didn't. I was trying to (....)" ! !!

We have some of this with our son, too. He's hypersensitive to touch, and also has a flair for the dramatic. I've jokingly given him a pat on the head (I was PRETENDING playfully to whack him, but I swear no violence was intended!!) and he's acted like I just beat him with a bat, crying and wailing that I hit him, why did I hit him?

I've had to learn to really rein myself in around him, and be very careful what I say and do, even in jest. He takes so many things extremely literally, does not understand sarcasm, and gets very upset at other people's little "jokes" - like last weekend when we were preparing to have a yard sale, and my husband joked (in a smiling jokey way, not a fake serious threatening way) that we might just put a price tag on him (our son) and see if anyone would buy him.

He reacted as if he'd just been sold into slavery.

As though he seriously thought we'd sell him.

It took awhile to calm him down and assure him that daddy just kidding and no we'd never do that.

But it's weirdly inconsistent, with our son - there's other times when his father will be making some deadpan joke/comment, and our son will look right at him and calmly say, "NO Dad, you don't mean that. You're not being serious." And he'll laugh about it.

??? I don't know why sometimes he reacts so severely and other times he seems to understand we're joking and it's no big deal. We just have to be careful. And we inevitably slip up from time to time.

we've had this too....in our case, though, i think some of it is from being bullied

My son once went after a boy who inadvertently fell on him. It was extremely embarrassing. Then, he was convinced the boy despised him and the parents-etc. This went on for the longest time and he didn't want to see the boy. It was very frustrating. We've had similar instances and it can be trying.

I agree that bullying from other kids or a lack of acceptance can make our kids very vulnerable and the slightest provocation becomes an intense assault. This is sign that there is trouble and some kids are teasing at some point in their subtle ways.

My son has been better, but he does take things way to the extreme and is a chronic worrier.
He percieves any minor incident as a tremendous tragedy and thinks he is despised if he bumps into someone accidentally. I guess he figures there are no accidents so he must have, on some level, intentionally wanted to bump into the child.

equinn

as others said, over time it will change. I was paranoid a several years ago (Still might have those bouts now) but was not aggressive.

Thank you all for your replies. I do think it's partly a sensory issue...every touch is felt in an exaggerated way. But it's heart breaking to wrap my head around the fact that he could ever even think I would choke him or his dad would punch him?! That must feel so horrible and terrifying for him in the moment, no wonder he reacts so dramatically. But I guess that's the whole point, like DW_a_mom said, when he is feeling overwhelmed he "no longer CAN accurately perceive degree or intent". I need to talk about this some more with him at a time when he is feeling relaxed and receptive (good luck finding one of those times in the first week back at school after spring break, right?).

Sinagua, your post sounded so much like my son! He not only doesn't get most jokes, but they offend and upset him, and we also try to remember to tone it down and be as literal and sensitive as possible...but often slip up too. And there are times when he seems to enjoy both humour and touch. He loves to tease and wrestle with his dad????? He often wants to be tickled and touched. I guess the difference is that he is asking for/anticipating and therefore in a sense controlling those touches and jokes, rather than it being something that surprises him at an already stressful moment (both times I described in my OP were getting ready to go somewhere...so during a transition).

Life is exaggerated when you're on the spectrum. Things are brighter, louder, more intrusive. The world sort of becomes a hostile place at times. There's this feeling of constantly needing to be prepared. In time, it eases some. You begin to realize you have more control than you once thought. As a child I recall thinking...I'm at the mercy of these morons? I know more than they do! lol In at least a few cases, I was probably right It can lead to a deep sense of feeling unsafe in general, expecting the worst, being on the defensive. I believe it will get better with time.

Thanks Mikomi. He does have a deep sense of the world being unsafe. We always thought it was because of his severe, life threatening allergies. The world is a terrifying and dangerous place when a microscopic smear of peanut protein can kill you! That's why it has taken us, his teachers and doctors so long to figure this all out. It's been clear that there are major differences between him and the other kids since kindergarten (his brother too, just a little less so), but we didn't know whether the anxiety, extreme sensitivity, explosive outbursts, lack of focus and coordination etc. was coming from his allergies and all the meds he is on for them or was something else. It has only been this winter with him off all of his allergy/asthma meds and feeling well, that we have been able to get a doctor to seriously discuss other possible causes, which led us to an assessment with a psychologist and aspergers. Now it seems very clear that there have been many things that couldn't have been attributed to allergies all along...difficulty with eye contact, walking on his toes, obsessive interests etc. The suggestion was also made that a lot of his social problems came from being a twin, and not being motivated to seek friends other than his brother. So it has been a little tricky to unravel all of these issues. The therapist said we have "a lot of layers".

He does think the world is unsafe, and he doesn't trust people, especially other kids, but also sometimes his teachers and even us. So he views every comment and action with suspicion.

We have an anxiety book that we're working through right now, that the therapist recommended, called "Helping Your Anxious Child". The problem is that although we can talk about the techniques when he is calm, and he gets them (kinda?!), he most definitely cannot employ any of them in a moment of stress. I guess we just keep practising.

Also regarding the comment that it could stem from bullying...there have been times that other children have treated him badly. There were a couple of incidents of him being punched last year (by a little boy with quite profound special needs who didn't really get what he was doing), and ongoing incidents of him being excluded from play or criticized (kids pointing out he's doing things wrong in a mean way, or being grossed out by some of his behaviour). This of course deepens his distrust of other people.

This reminds me of an episode a few years ago...

Devon and I were at a therapy session (this was long before he was dx as being an Aspie, they were still telling me ADD, ODD, etc. at the time.) The therapist, Devon and I were walking out of the room, and I reached above Devon's head to hold the door open for him, he gave me this frightened look and cowered down, and the therapist gave me this horribly accusing look...the next session she suddenly starts talking to me about physical abuse and the whole "Sometimes we don't mean to hit our kids..." blather. I tried to explain to her that other than a few mild spankings and me lightly slapping his hand when he was little, that Devon had never been hit. I don't think she ever believed me, but then again she didn't believe us when I came in and said "We went somewhere else and they said he has Asperger's" either.

There have also been other times when I have reached near Devon, held my hands out to give him a hug, went to rub a smudge off of his face, etc. That he cringes like he has been abused or something.

Devon loves to get hugs from me, but if I squeeze him at all, he says ouch, so yes he is very overly sensitive. He is also very dramatic about things, especially when he gets hurt or thinks he is in any way threatened. And yes, he was bullied a lot in public school.

so much of everything in our lives involves lots of repetition and practice....