'That's what kids do'

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If I hear this one more time....

I am tired of me venting to others how exhausting my three year old son can be and them saying 'well, that is what kids do' as if I am getting the parenting thing wrong. Some people who say this are grandparents, co-workers etc. The same people who absolutely run terrified in the opposite direction if we suggest them taking him for a sleep over.

Does anyone else get frustrated with others misconception that this condition is 'all in our head' and we need to change his diet or have more patience?

Subaru
mom to a 3 year old whose mouth doesn't quit talking

well then you've found the right place.
this is the right place to vent to other parents who are there or who have been there.

i have a 4 yr old son Dx AS who asks me math questions most of the day or word definitions.
and has his own quirks.
and an almost 3 yr old NT daughter who just chats away about anything and everything.

fortunately grandma and grandpa will take tehm for a sllep over expecting an interrupted night of sleep.

not sure if ther's a wrong way to parent, i myself haven't found my groove yet either but as i learn more about aspergers and how to deal with stuff and the new language that you have to learn you start to get it a little bit and figure out bits and pieces that will help make your life a little easier.
not sure if it's encouraging or not but there are many posts from parents here who have been there and are past into other issues.
every one has good days and bad days, or weeks or months, and little ones can be exhausting at the best of times.
just enjoy the good times while you have them and thing about them in the bad.
welcome and good luck

those are such encouraging words and you are in the Peg!

I am new to this stuff and getting the gist of things.

As I get used to the concept and forum I am sure I will become more vocal as well as informed.

Thank God for places like this!

My mother could never find anyone to watch me either. Babysitters would hang up on her, and family would refuse to have me stay over. My siblings were welcome to stay everywhere. I would eat anything and everything, so changing my diet was easy, but nothing helped.

I think I was lucky in that my mom started caring for my son one day a week almost as soon as he was born. She found him challenging, lol, and told me right off it wasn't me, because none of us daughters had ever been like him. Still, the spectrum diagnosis threw her off guard. I think it's more that she doesn't believe in all these labels we now have. In her world, every child was simply unique, and that is the way it is with children. Of course, she does wonder "if" as to some of my parenting choices, as in it might be better "if," but she's fairly tactful about that.

I think that people around us can't reconcile the "rain man" image with the reality of autism in modern children. Because we are raising them so very differently than generations ago, our children act differently. They are less shut off; more emotional. People who aren't living with it just don't have the information to "get" it.

Subaru I sure hear ya!! !! !!
I too get so sick of people saying saying 'it's a kid thing' or 'oh all kids go thru that' or 'he shouldn't be doing that at his age' or my favourite (major sarcasm) stop babying him

Ah, yes...let's see...I get from my grandmother (whom I love dearly but she's hurt me alot by it) the following:

1. he's like that because he's ALL by himself with you (I homeschool)
2. he's like that because he doesn't have other kids to play with (we've tried it on numerous occassions and most of the "well meaning parents and their kids" after a couple of times, just disappear, leaving him not knowing why he can't play with them anymore...ie. my neighbors...I even agreed to not fencing our yard completely because while they didn't have any grass, her kids would come to my yard to play...I kept her older child a couple of times at our house...and with that, to this day my son is always talking about him and they have basically locked themselves up and don't ever even say hi to him anymore...the kids (and parents) even have the guts to cross to OUR yard to play with their friends and RUN AWAY as soon as they see my son)
3. kids need to be talked to, and everything needs to be explained to them...like this...blah, blah... (when my son is having a major meltdown at the mall because of the noise or something...)

On the other hand, my mother especially has been very vocal...with very similar things...SOOO...

I did try the diet and honestly, I have to say, that it did wonders for him. I don't mean it does for everyone, but he is allergic to milk (had that checked when he was 3 before autism was ever suspected)...and yet, my mother harrasses me for the "diet" because he loves milk and cheese and has even said to me "you could have CPS called on you for having him on a diet!! !" This from a woman who taught us HORRIBLE eating habits, since her idea of food is hamburger/hotdog/sandwhich/ravioli in a can/canned soup, and of course, candy and soda all day if we wanted to...

At the end, you know, you just have to ignore them or tell them off. I've basically TOLD THEM OFF! They know better than to mess with me and my kiddo anymore. It's a bit easier when they're not around (we live out of the country), but we are moving back in a few weeks close to my family and I'm not looking forward to their constant harrassment...but, I will tell them off once again if I have to...

Honestly, my mother is so evil that sometimes I am terrified that she would be crazy enough to call CPS on me...that's how crazy she is...by the way, when I was little, she used to take me to a "children's home" and tell me that was where she was going to leave me...(nice mom, not abusive at all, huh?)

So, there you go...nobody knows what we go through...and honestly, I don't care about them anymore...and NO, I wouldn't trade my munckin and all his quirkiness for anything in the world...

Good luck to you and you've come to the right place...

Subaru,

That's life as a parent of Aspies! I try to ignore the bad advice and criticism, though sometimes the arrows still pierce my heart.

I suffered from clinical depression for years (before the kids were diagnosed). It was because I genuinely thought I was crazy and deeply flawed as a parent.

Having 2 of my 3 sons diagnosed made me realise I'm not crazy or flawed.

By the way, I have 3 sons - 9, 8 and 4. Older 2 diagnosed with Asperger's, 4 year old probably Aspie but not yet diagnosed.

Helen

I can only say the same as all the others!

I still have family members who flatly refuse there is anything wrong with my son! It's quite ridiculous, really, as the older he becomes, the more obvious it is.
My sister-in-law keeps telling me it can't be that bad, and that her 3 boys are MUCH worse. (sometimes I agree with her - her kids are pretty awfull . They bully my son and she doesn't stop them...
My mother-in-law joins the chorus and tells me I have it made - I get SO much help for my son, unlike my sister-in-law, who has to manage on her own in a different part of the country.
It is terribly frustrating and hurtfull. I get so sad and angry about it.
At the end of the day it means we spend a lot more time with the people who accept my son, and the situation our family is in.

My parents have with time become extremely active and supportive to my son and our family. When he was little, they prefered looking after his NT brother (who let them have their sleep!) , but now they have my ASD son to sleep over every week, use a schedule for him, do great activities with him, and are really, really wonderful!

All I can say is as the years go by, I have realised that my son's behaviour is in no way related to my parenting skills, and that I put hours and hours of effort into raising him, thinking about him and how to understand and tackle his at times awfull behaviour I don't think ANY NT child gets that kind of attention and effort.

Guilt is part of parenting, but the diagnosis means you can let go and realise that it isn't anything you have done/not done.

at times when I have talked about my 11 year old's (has asperger's) behavior at work to my co-workers (who's kids are neuro-typical) the response is "well my son does that too" AHHHH! it's so frustrating because they just don't understand

Subaru - I can't tell you how many times I have tried to explain my children's behavior to my dad (and others) and he says, "Oh all kids do that," which of course makes me feel as if he is belittling my situation. Recently he has been spending some time at our house helping my husband work on various projects, and he has been able to see first hand what autism is. He no longer says "all kids act like that".

My personal pet peeve is hearing "boys will be boys". Yes, boys can be rambunctious and unruly, but most 8 year old boys don't cover their ears and cry inconsolably if the room is too loud or someone has moved one of their toys or someone is staring at them!! !

The whole "covering your ears" thing hit me...As I went through lots of pics this past week (we're packing and moving), it was amazing how many pics of my kiddo have him covering his ears...I think I'll keep some of those out, so that next time my crazy mother or anyone else tells me "you're making it up", I can show them the pics and ask to the the pics of THEIR kids covering their ears...

If I had a quarter for every time that I've heard this one, I would be rich.

I get so frustrated at times with my kids and have no backup system for someone to watch when I need a break. We all need downtime as parents, no matter who we are. We all face challenges. BUT I have to say that those of us who are blessed with aspies for children also have to deal with ignorance from those who should be supporting us and helping us. My son refuses to go to his grandparents without us anymore. The last time (last summer) they watched him overnight he cried the whole way home and asked that he never go back there. They were so awful to him! Yelling at him for his focus on his interests, yelling at him when he wouldn't answer them (he doesn't always hear when he is hyper-focused) and punishing him for things outside of his control. Made me so mad I didn't talk to my mother for a month! It has taken until now for her to understand a little about Asperger's but her husband doesn't get it still and I still don't trust them with him unsupervised by myself or my husband.

Ugh, Grandma says that a lot. Ummm, no. Maybe when they're 5, but he is 10!