Feeling lack of "connection"

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I recently picked my crochet hooks back up again after a long hiatus, and quickly made several whimsical stuffed animals/creatures. I asked my son (who'd said he loved my critters) if he'd like me to make anything special for him, and he said he'd like me to make a copy of our black cat, which he loves, and especially loves this cat to sleep with him. (He doesn't every night.)

I immediately set to work, scouring the internet looking for the perfect pattern, and then the best yarn for the job, and I had to order the eyes online because I couldn't find the right color at our local craft store. I spent hours and hours crocheting this thing, and assembling it, even doing embroidery on the nose. It took me about a week to complete, waiting for the eyes to arrive by mail. I was SOOOO excited to be able to make something by hand for my child!!

So yesterday, I finally get it all put together and finished, and it looks GREAT, really cute, and I go out into the living room holding it behind my back. I say, "Close your eyes!" and he smiles and does, and when I say "Now open them!" I'm holding the crocheted cat doll out to him. His eyes get momentarily wide, and he exclaims "WOW! Great Job, Mom!"

And that's it. He doesn't reach for it. He sort of...dismissed me, I guess. Like he was somehow not clear that I'd made the doll especially for HIM, and it was now HIS, and I'd sort of expected him to grab for it and hug it and bounce around and squeal with delight for at least a few minutes.... Instead, he just smiled politely at me and went back to reading his book.

It's so silly of me to be disappointed, or to have my feelings just a little bit hurt, I know. This sort of thing happens all the time. I go way out of my way to find some really awesome thing I think he'll love (or he's personally asked for), or in this case MAKE something he asked for, and then it's time for the big "Ta-DAH!!" moment, and he's like, "Oh, cool. Thanks." And that's it. And I'm always totally crestfallen.

I just want to feel more of a...connection to him, I guess. Maybe I'm not going about it the right way, or maybe I'm wanting something he just can't give. I know he loves me. I just usually have to assume it, because while he will give hugs he usually gives tackling, too-hard hugs or vaguely leaning, non-hugs where he keeps his arms at his sides and sort of leans against us. In other words, he doesn't SHOW he loves me/us very much/often. Although, interestingly, he says "I love you!" like fifty times a day. I've begun to suspect it's a sort of compulsive phrase he spouts out when he's feeling slightly anxious or isn't sure what's expected of him.

Can anyone else here relate to this feeling, or these experiences? Surely I can't be the only one.

Well. I am so happy for you for making something for your little one. The connection thing that you comment on is or could be very hurtfull at times but give him sometime to really pay attention to it. Place the cat in his room at nap time and see what he does. Or take a picture of him holding it and remind him why yoy did this cat in the first place.

It is important that you tell him its his. Though if he's sometimes been told things are his, like say a pack of cookies, and then been told he needs to share that pack of cookies, he'll always have some doubt as to whether or not the item truly is his, which will make him somewhat reluctant to be excited about.

You could have also interrupted him during a great part of the book he was reading.


But also, if i truly loved something as a child, I won't be running around with it. i'd be doing my best to keep it pristine and perfect. My all time favorite toy as a child was a blue and orange dump truck i was given when i was 5. I never put anything in the back because i didn't want it scratched up. For the same reason, I never took it outside. I was upset when i was 12 and discovered it had been given to my brother and he was *gasp* putting rocks in the back of it and leaving it outside.

i feel ike that too sometimes, like when i pick out an awesome present for his birthday or christmas or something and he's like okay...
no i want you to be so excited and all over it never putting it down for a moment because it was awesome and you loved it so much.
for example i got him a clock with his name on it for christmas and was so excited becasue it was a clock and he lilkes to tell time and stuff and it was his, and he was just whatever about it.
i can imagine it would be really hard actually making it yourself and having his barely acknowledge it.
at least you know what you put into it and that's what's important.
even my NT daughter loves a toy for a bit then gets tired of it. or forgets about it.

Well, at least he didn't have a meltdown, because he expected the cat to look or feel differently than it did. Small blessings, right?

Sorry it hurt your feelings. I've been really disappointed too when my sons have seemed completely nonplussed over something special that I'd done for them.

When they were five-ish we had a couple of really mortifying, disastrous situations where they really hurt/offended people with their reactions (or non-reactions) to gifts, so we spent a lot of time talking about what the appropriate things to say and do when you receive a gift are. We role played receiving all sorts of presents (ones they would love or hate or already had or just didn't care about one way or the other). It really helped them.

Plus I really try not to get my hopes up...things almost never go as planned around here. I just try to treasure the moments when I do feel that reciprocation and connection. Like tonight...my son is having a tough week (substitute teacher, spring allergies, hasn't really settled back in after spring break), and he had a big meltdown because I asked him if the Bionicle he had built had wings (I know, I'm a horrible jerk!). After he had finally calmed down, he sat beside me on the couch and put his head on my shoulder, and we just sat together for a really long time as I felt his poor stressed out little body start to relax, and then we talked about how hard it is to stay calm when people say things you aren't expecting...and I just felt so much for him and everything he goes through every day, and there was a sense of solidarity between us...that we'll figure this out, and we love each other and it will be OK. It was a small moment, but we were sharing it together.

Here's my take on this. Maybe he thought that you were asking him which animal he wanted to see added to your collection, not made for him. When he asked for a crocheted copy of the family cat, he probably thought it would sit on the shelf for him to admire (like the rest of the animals). So when you were giving him the cat to play with, he was taken by surprise, because he expected it to be on the shelf with the other animals, not to be given to him. But he didn't know how to express that statement, and quite likely, he felt guilty about refusing your gift (as in actually saying: "I didn't want the cat got me to play with; I just wanted to see a crocheted copy of our cat.") Knowing how much work you put into it, he reacted the way he did. If he seems reluctant to play with the cat, you may want to add it to the rest of your collection, and let your son know that he's welcome to play with it any time. That way, you're reaching a compromise between giving your son something special and doing what he might have expected.

Interestingly, I had a similar situation when I was a kid. Back then, my grandparents had a really nice collection of porcelain animals in different colors (each animal was solid-colored, not necessarily corresponding to its natural color). They were very small, about one inch in size. I would spend a long time looking at them. I knew they were fragile, so I was very careful with them. One of the animals was a white wolf, and I like it best of all. My grandparents once saw me petting it with my finger, so they insisted that I take it home. I refused, because I preferred it be with the rest of the collection. After about 15 minutes of saying it's OK, they convinced me to take it. So I brought it home, and hid it in a safe place. The only time I took it out was before the next visit to my grandparents, when I ended up returning the wolf. This is what said to them: "You misunderstood. I just wanted to borrow the wolf for a while, not take it forever." My grandparents believed it, and thanked me for caring. I knew it was a cop-out, but I had no other way of refusing the gift, because I never intended to take the wolf home.

Well, I"m glad you figured out why his reaction probably wasn't what you thought it would be. If he's anything like my daughter, it could also be that he was involved in somthing else either at the time you asked which one he wanted or at the time you showed it to him, so he didn't really pay attention either. My daughter is notorious for stuff like that. She can carry on complete conversations and not remember them because she was distracted doing something else.

Along the same lines, I was so excited about doing something in Allaura's room for her while she was at school last week. We'd semi-redecorated when we got the girls new beds and made them each their own areas to display their interests and their personality in room decor. 4 y/o ND DD wanted hearts on her walls, so I hand-painted a bunch of Valentine-looking hearts on her wall with all kinds of different patterns in them. Allaura wanted cats above her bed. I looked online for cat stencils or wall stickers and couldn't find anything she liked or that was reasonably priced. So while she was at school, I got the brilliant idea to put a shelf up over her bed for her stuffed cat collection. What could be better than that? Her special collection right on her wall, right? I also found an old calendar with cat pictures and carefully cut them all out and arranged them on her wall for her. When she got home from school, I was excited to show it to her. She really wasn't that excited, just said, "That's nice." I didn't even get a thank you. I was a bit crushed after all my hard work. Later, I found out that she had been treated badly by a friend that afternoon and was distracted and feeling confused and sad.

A context change may have been the missing piece of the puzzle.

He was reading a book. Possibly deep into it.

Transitions are hard....

Calling him in to do a chore or two,
might have broken the focus on the book,
long enough for you to put him into the
context of the suggestion he made.

That might have led to different results.

Your expectations are way too high for your son. He does not understand these types of gestures due to his being on the spectrum.

You simply have to teach him manners, exactly what to say when someone gives him something and he'll have to fake it. I do this with my son. Many times his grandmother and others have been disappointed in his behavior because he will flat out say "no thanks" when offered something or worse "I don't want it."

I tell my son "You need to say thank you even if you don't want it." Sounds weird but you have to teach them how to say the right thing even if the feeling is not behind it.

My son has his own interests and only wants what he wants--nothing else. I've learned not to make/do something for him because he responds the wrong way and, honestly, it irks me to no end and he picks up on this and then acts awkward or gets mad. Even food--I ask first before I make anything with the exception of cc cookies.


equinn

Thanks, everyone, for all those responses. I think I see where I went wrong here. I will take all your suggestions/comments into consideration.