Advice - how to discuss this with him?

Post Reply New Topic

*Sorry for the long post, but need advice*

My friend's son (let's call him Andrew for privacy's sake) is 16 years old and in the eleventh grade. He lives with his mother about five hours away, in a city with a growing population, but only two public and one Catholic high school (i.e., large class sizes, low funding, few opportunities for accommodations, busy teachers with no time for special students, etc.).
Andrew has AD/HD (quite severe) and learning disabilities (writing disability and processing speed disorder). He has managed to scrape by until now, doing quite well in elementary/junior high. His marks dropped dramatically entering high school, but he has been rescuing himself with his incredible math skills.
Those are not enough anymore and he is no longer able to complete his classwork or assignments. He is supposed to get extra time and skeleton notes, but usually doesn't because of the poor quality of the education there. This semester he is failing and is not going to be able to get into post-secondary education (his dream is to be an engineer or architect). It isn't his fault - his mother doesn't permit him AD/HD medication and his school does not accommodate his disabilities.

In our city, Andrew can receive accommodations from his teachers (speech-to-text software, extra time, copies of notes, modified work, etc.) and may even be able to enter a special program designed for learning disabilities and AD/HD. We would also allow him AD/HD medication (he himself wants it, but his mother doesn't believe in it).

We want Andrew to move here a year early for the 12th grade (he would be moving here anyway to attend post-secondary).

How should we discuss this with him so that he understands:
- the costs of moving here (leaving friends, whom he'd visit for one weekend a month; leaving his current family structure; reduced living space, etc.)
- the benefits of moving here (living with the family he prefers; education that can help him succeed instead of placing him at a disadvantage; transition-to-university programs and special university LD programs, etc.)
- the changes he would have to make and the effort it would take on his part in order to make this work, and to profit from the move and from the education that he would receive here

Thanks for all your help! I am not a parent, and my friend has only really been a practicing parent for 4 years (since his older son moved in with him at age 14, now 18 ), so we can use all the advice we can get!

Before you discuss any of this with Andrew, have you discussed it with his mother? Is she willing to let him move? If she is not, presenting this as an option to Andrew would be setting him up for a very difficult situation. First, I think you need to get the mother on board. If she is amenable, you already know what to do!

You've outlined the pros and cons, from Andrew's perspective. You would need to present the option, tell him he was welcome and wanted, but that it is truly his decision (if it is). Help him come up with the pros and cons, including the ones you listed. I wouldn't present any of them unless his missed them when he was figuring out what he saw as the issues. He might see issues you don't see.

Once you've identified the issues, see if you can brainstorm solutions to the biggest hurdles - both sides. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like the hurdles in his current situation will be easily overcome, since his mother isn't successfully overcoming them with the school, for whatever reasons. The issues if he moves will include concerns about the unknown - there will always be unknown issues, especially when someone moves. You can only try to prepare for things as much as possible, and know that if he enters a post-secondary program at this location, it will be that much easier if he has already settled there, somewhat, in the prior year.

It's very rough on kids to move for the last year of high school. Don't underestimate his possible need to stay where he is and graduate with his friends, go to his prom, etc.

Good luck!

you absolutely need to discuss this with his mom first......also, as the mom doesn't want her son on meds, how do you think you're going to get him on meds ?....The only one that can get a kid on meds is their legal guardian or parent

Well, I'm not the one getting him on meds... his father, who is a parent/legal guardian, would be doing so. I'm pretty sure that a father who is a legal guardian has that right. I'm just the one who decided to do the research and ask for advice on WP.

As for discussing this with his mother, we have a hurdle there. The main issue is that since their divorce, the mother will do anything, including sacrificing her children (their father has had this experience already with the older brother), to "get her way" and to convince the children to dislike their father. She's manipulative this way (I've listened to her do it). She would not hesitate to say or do anything to keep Andrew where he currently lives, regardless of the fact that he cannot handle school there and is rapidly losing his dreams.

Andrew himself is frustrated with his situation (and, for that matter, with his mother). Although asking her in advance would probably only lead to the total elimination of any opportunity for success, the father would be willing to talk this over with her if necessary. I think he feels, though, that Andrew would prefer to decide for himself - he doesn't want to be living with his mother anyway, he lives there because his friends are there. I can suggest to him that he discuss it with her... or at least, that he ask Andrew if he would like his father to discuss it with her rather than making the decision alone.

It seems to me that the first step in getting past the hurdles with the mother will be to respect some of her decisions, on the medication, for example. Enticements that are counter to her beliefs need to be off the table. Period.

The mother probably sees how her son is struggling. If she doesn't, the son needs to tell her. Then both the son and the mother need to be "sold" on the advantages your city can offer in the way of accommodations, etc.

It sounds to me like a move would be a good thing, because it sounds like the current school isn't working.

My key philosophy when it comes to school is that EVERY child deserves to succeed with schooling and be happy. I also firmly believe that with the right placement it IS possible for all children to have these things. It gets difficult to make changes, there are definite costs, but nothing is worse than losing the love of learning to a poor school choice. That loss can affect a child for the rest of his life. Sell the better choice, and sell it hard.

How do you do that? By asking questions, and providing information at key points. The best sales job is when you give someone the information and opportunity to reach a conclusion for themselves. No cramming, just questions and sprinkled information. Leading ones.

Let me offer this thought. If your friend’s son was diagnosed more than 5 years ago it might be a good idea to have him visit for a reevaluation update. Since your friend lives in a more metropolitan area you probably have access to more highly trained and experience clinicians. You might gain some insight that might change the appropriateness of what at best are medications with significant risks. If in the end medications are the best choice for your friend’s child and the child agrees (with his age this is important) then your friend and the child’s mothers can have an additional reassurance that what is decided is the right path.

bookwormde

would moving be a problem regarding custody ?

You might have to fight this out in court.

I don't think so. His older brother has lived here for four years and it hasn't been a problem. And - I have no idea whether or not this is true, and we're in Canada - but I'm told that at 17, kids basically make their own decisions (here it's legal to live independently at age 16).