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My 4 yo son was recently diagnosed with AS. While I'm relieved to have a reason for his sometimes strange behavior and unbelievable outbursts, my husband completely diagrees and seems to almost be in denial about the whole thing. He keeps saying that because our son doesn't have all the symptoms and has only spent a small amount of time with the pediatrician and pychologist, that they are wrong. I dont' see this diagnosis as anything to be concerned or upset over. I just want to help my little boy be the best he can be, and if that means spending some time in an early intervention program, I'm all for it. I just don't know how to get my husband to realize this as well. Does anyone have any ideas on how to start forward with this with him? Our son is still working through the Child Find group in order to see if we qualify for early intervention. He has had a couple of visits with the special ed teacher and the psychologist, and in 2 weeks we'll be seeing the speech pathologist. I feel so anxious about this, mostly because I want my ds to get the help he needs and don't know where else to turn.

welcome to WP !

Welcome to the forums. I myself was diagnosed when I was fairly young, with the doctor who diagnosed me filling my parents with all sorts of doom-and-gloom cock-and-bull about how I would be institutionalized later in life and never attend public school, but it turned out I was fairly high-functioning.

It might take some time for your husband to accept the diagnosis. He may see it as something to be ashamed of, something to feel hopeless over............Try to get him to focus not on the actual diagnosis, but on the extra help your son could ( hopefully) recieve with early intervention services. Early intervention services can really change the prognosis for most children. I wish my son had gotten into early intervention.....

sometimes it is helpful to go and observe the classroom your son would be in if he qualified for services. Usually if you call ahead of time, the teachers are very open to an observation.

Helping him learn more about how inaccurate the stereotypes are will probably help. YouTube's PosAutive group is good for that.

I also have a 4 yr old with AS. And a son with PDD and a speech disorder. And a husband on the spectrum. And I have AS myself.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Hi. I can kind of see where your husband is coming from regarding the short period of time the psychologists have spent with him (eg. my son got assessed at 5 yrs old at the hospital and passed with flying colours; two months later I pushed them to look at him in the school environment and they made an immediate AS diagnosis). Also, it is my opinion that AS symptoms present more in the peer social environment (eg. school) than at home, so because your husband sees more of the home environment, he is probably not necessarily seeing the whole picture. I would recommend Tony Attwood's book called "Asperger's Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals". It is hugely helpful in working through whether your child meets the "criteria". When my son was diagnosed, I read through the book, and for each section made a list of "yes" and "no" as to whether my son had the particular symptom. I would say it was about 75% "yes" and 25% "no", including the fact that he appears at the opposite extreme with fine motor skills. Doing something like this would give you some "objective data" for your husband. The book was also such a total eye-opener to some areas that I never would have noticed otherwise.

Another point for your husband would be that long-term it is better to have an AS diagnosis, get early intervention and subsequent improvement, even if you eventually found out that your husband was right, than to desregard a diagnosis, not seek any early intervention, only to kick yourself in 3-4 years time that it is definitely AS and that you could've done more to help.

The other thing I'd say is, even when you accept the diagnosis, you still always live with a slight uncertainty of how AS your child is (well, I do). We will have several months of things going well and me thinking that my son is only slightly AS and that he's almost "grown out of it", and then have a month of more significant autistic behavour and I will be left floundering about what the whole diagnosis means for him.

I relate to your anxiety about seeing specialists and wanting the best for your son. I have been on a journey for two years now of constantly assessing what I can do better for my son, and trying my hardest to do good research into strategies and the right professionals to seek help and advice from. It is hard work, and there are so many uncertainties over knowing which professionals to trust, where to find the most help, and not knowing exactly what sort of future you are "creating" for you child. Hopefully you will find a lot of support here. I find it great to be able to put posts on here about the issues I am facing, and get a melting pot of view points. Hope you find this too. All the best.

When my son was diagnosed with AS, I had the same problem with my husband.
He kept on saying "there nothing wrong with him, hes just like me". I spent alot of time on the internet, brought books about the condition etc, because I didn't know anything about it at the time.

It wasn't until I started reading about Temple Gardine (unsure about spelling)(who is another AS) that I realised that my husband could do the same things, and the more I read the more I realised that my husband was AS as well.

I then suggested to him to read the information, and he then discovered that infact I was correct in saying "This sounds like you".

I feel that my husband has now got an inner peace within himself. He understands himself alot better than before. And of course I cant get him off wrong planet sometimes.

I do not know if it helps since I have an unusual perspective on the situations. I am an aspie from long line of aspies. I would have been disappointed if at least 1 of my children had not been an aspie.

You are about to embark on wonderful and interesting journey. While your child will have some disabilities (lack of ability) which will need a some non standard academic and non academic supports and accommodations, he also has some abilities which are not available to neurotypical children.


If your husband is willing, educating him is the starting point. I always recommend Tony Attwood, The Complete Guide to Aspergers C/2007 (available on Amazon for about $25)

It is very common for a child of 4 not to show some of the classic manifestations listed in the DSM-iv diagnostic standard. They are still primarily in a “family” setting so the anxiety, which induces these often, has not reached the level needed to generate them.

It is important to understand that this is something that your child is, not something he “has”.

If you and your husband see your child as needing to be “fixed” that is likely how your child will view himself in the long term. Aspergers is really a trade off, where you have some disabilities but also some amazing additional abilities.

It is also important to remember that along with some extra challenges are some wonderful gifts that parents of neurotypical children would love to see in their children.

Getting your child the supports that he needs will be challenging but the young person who develops with a high level of these supports is beyond most parent’s fondest dreams, unless you want a child who is materialistic, superficial, non imaginative and without a heightened sense of social justice, with no better than average analytical, creative and inventive abilities.

Just remember that aspies have a very different view of what is important in “life” from
neurotypicals, Trying to force him into a neurotypical “mold” is one of the greatest disservices you can do to him.

I think your husband has not realized what a gift your child is, His neurotype is believed to be responsible for major portions of the technical, philosophical and artistic advances that out civilizations enjoys today.

bookwormde

My husband was in denial for a long time after 2 of our 3 sons were diagnosed with Asperger's.

I found this website helpful. If you scroll down to the part that starts 'for all dads' the author of the website talks about denial in dads

http://www.aspiedad.com/about_being_an_aspiedad.htm

After my husband read this website he began accepting our sons' diagnoses.

My husband is an Aspie. Our sons' psychologist (who works in an autism/asperger's clinic) agrees that he is definantly Aspie. I've discussed it with my husband and he absolutely denies it. There's no point pushing the issue. I've adapted my behaviour and expectations and now our marriage is good.

Helen

jbollard- that was the same exact way with my husband..........all those years that i was sure something was wrong, hubby kept reassuring me.." he's just like me. I was that way when i was little..."

Thank you all so much for your advice! Honestly for me, it's been a whole lot easier accepting some of the things he does now that I know some of it isn't necessarily in his control. It makes it a little more fun to watch him and interact with him knowing that he's not intentionally trying to be obnoxious or out of control most times. I'm sure my husband is AS as well, but I don't dare suggest that to him because he'll just say I'm looking for a reason why our son is the way he is. It explains, though, why he's not seeing the need to do something for Tim with the reason of, "I was like that when I was little." We will definitely check out the website and books that were recommended. Thanks!