school absences

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It seems like we can rarely get through a week without one of my sons missing at least a half a day of school, usually more. They both have frequent complaints of headaches, tummy aches, nausea, dizziness and general aches and pains for which there is no known medical cause. Sometimes I worry that they are playing on my sympathy to get a day off school, but most of the time I think it is genuine, and caused by anxiety.

I am desperately nauseous and sick on mornings when I have something stressful to do in the day. I can generally power through it, but I feel really, really wretched. And I can remember feeling that way often when I was in school. I also had a lot of absences, and my mom was frustrated and suspicious because of all my nervous complaints. It got to the point of me having a total breakdown at the end of grade 8, and ending up in bed for months.

It breaks my heart to see my sons having the same kind of stress, and they are much younger than I was when it started (grade 2 for them, I don't remember it starting until about grade 5-6 for me). I am probably too easy about letting them stay home when they are unwell (stressed out, overwhelmed). They also both have severe environmental allergies, which adds another layer of both concern and confusion to the mix.

Both of their teachers have expressed concern about the amount of school that they miss, and it hampers them socially to be constantly missing stuff too (i.e. the kid you were playing with at recess last week has found a new kid to play with because you weren't there). But I don't want to push them too hard...it may not be caused by any "real" medical issues, but the miserable feelings and pains are still real.

Is anybody else dealing with this? Any advice would be really appreciated.

My advice is get them to school anyway.

I had many similar issues as a child (the horror of facing the school day made me physically ill, but there was no physical medical condition so I was called a liar and a faker). Funny thing was, I liked the school part, the learning. I just couldn't deal with the social aspects and all of the sensory overload. If I wasn't sick before school, the bright lights would make me nauseated and I'd get yelled at for needing to go to the girl's room so much.

I had no diagnosis of any autism spectrum disorder in my childhood, and with no obvious medical reason, the state removed me and placed me in detention for being a truant!! ! For SIX MONTHS! They thought I was a spoiled kid who just needed to have her will broken. I emerged from that experience an absolutely shattered mess. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a severe case of anorexia within four months of being home and spent the next 8 years fighting for my life. I eventually went to and graduated from college, but the emotions brought up by being back in a "school" environment nearly destroyed me. If I'd had a proper diagnosis and people/strategies in place to help me succeed, my life would have been so different.

Sometimes pushing them might seem awful, but it beats the alternative of what the schools can do to your children and your family.

Anorexia isn't something I understand very well, and I know people who at some point have suffered from it. What goes through a person's mind when they do that behavior? I know that sometimes women do self destructive things like drugs and smoking as part of playing the "naughty girl" role, for kicks and generating interest and attention. If a person is killed doing drugs or riding a motorcycle, it can at least be said that the person was having some fun with the thing that killed them. Anorexia can kill people too (Terri Schiavo). What's the attraction? I can't see any upside to it. It isn't "cool". It doesn't make anyone more interesting. It doesn't even make people look good, which I guess is supposed to be the reason for doing it.

I actually got quietly angry last summer when I saw someone who is obviously anorexic. It seemed to me that this person is deliberately subjecting herself to unnecessary harm and she just needs to quit it. Am I missing something here? What's not to understand?

I missed way more than the maximum number of days every year that i was in school.
Every day I was consumed with the gut instinct to leave school as quickly as possible...
I was constantly going to the nurses office for headaches and nausea...
I was so sensitive to every little thing...
I had my major school breakdown when I was in the 4th grade (the first time)..and they sent me back to thrid grade.
None of my sensory/social issues were ever addressed...at least with me...
and I was never labled with anything for this..
The only way i went on to the next grade in school was because my test scores were so high (despite the fact that i could not pay attention in school, and half the time had no idea what was going on..and therefore my grades were awful)
...they bended the attendance rules..and the grade rules...and scootched me through...

The whole time I was in school, I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed of going to a special school

I reccomend home school...or some form of independant homespun school...
No kid should have to be forced to the kind of sensory assault offered by school on a day to day basis....if they can't handle it..(i am speaking for myself..based on my own experience)

You did not say if your child was on the spectrum, but if he is, he (and his body) is trying to tell you that the school is not providing the supports he needs (1 on 1 para, non academic curriculum, adaptation to visual curriculum, comprehensive bullying policy, environmental sensitivity audit and accommodations etc. This is most likely stress induced.

Even if he is not considered on the spectrum some of these may be having an impact.

Schools both academically and socially are much more “advanced” than they were a generation ago.

bookwormde

Have you discussed the anxiety and the resulting physical manifestations with their teachers? Do your children ever complain at school about how they feel? Do they go to the school nurse? If they are complaining at school, try to get some assistance from school about how to work with them. If school is experiencing the same things you are (of course, they won't be as sympathetic - they aren't the mother!), they should be more invested in addressing it. Maybe they can help identify some of the specific sources of the anxiety. It might be the lights or other sensory overload, or it might be something else. You aren't there - you can't figure it out as well as they should be able to. If it's the lights, some children are helped by being seated next to the windows, so they get lots of natural light. If it's other sensory bombardment, it needs to be identified, and it needs to be addressed - whether it can be addressed directly, or whether they need to be receiving OT services that include a sensory diet that will help them be less sensorily on edge. For some kids, sitting on a big ball chair can make a big difference. For others, having access to fidgets is important.

If the anxiety and stress is less of a free-floating sensory thing, and has more to do with specific issues, those issues need to be identified and worked on. Are there specific academic issues that are causing problems? Do they need more support in the classroom? Do they need more socialization support? An aide? There are some things that are making school painful for them, and those things need to be identified and modified for them. If school isn't seeing or hearing about it, they won't be as likely to help figure it out, and they will be more likely to think you are just being an over-indulgent mother by "letting" them stay home. If you think that school might cause the kind of problem that Mikomi alluded to, get professional support (doctor, therapist, psychiatrist) to back you up, in writing, before any problems happen. The medical issues underlying their absences should be documented, so that they can't be successfully accused of truancy, and you can't be successfully accused of educational neglect.

See if the school will work with you on a plan to work on the anxiety, and how to handle it when your children are anxious. There could be warning signs at school, that they are missing, that precede your children's need for a day off. If those warning signs were seen, and interventions were put in place before things got out of hand, it might obviate your children's need to stay home. See whether school will work with a behavior analyst to figure this out - they should have these resources available to them.

When your children are not as anxious, ask them what is going on. Sometimes they can tell you more than you would expect. I have to do it as a multiple choice question. People act like that means I'm suggesting the answer. You know your children, and whether that would work. With my son, it does. If I'm off base, he tells me so, and it's easier for him to explain if I give him a starting point. He can't tell me anything from an open-ended question, but if I give him some possibilities, he can tell me where I was right, where I was wrong, and often what was really going on even if I was totally wrong. The main thing is to try and get things figured out at school enough so that school doesn't stay as negative as it is now, because you don't want the next ten years to be like this.

I know exactly how you feel. It's very hard to dismiss your childs tears, fears and complaints, for them it's all very real. I have an 18 year old son in year 12 now and I have been dealing with this same issue since he started school at age 5. My 18 year old has never been assessed but I am thinking that he probably needs to be, his younger 9 year old brother has recently been dx'd with aspergers.
Our case was so bad when my son was 5-6 we ended up moving schools for him, he'd gotten himself into a bad situation and that school were not sympathetic at all. He used to cry from drop off to pick up, I only found out by popping in unanounced one lunch time and finding him sitting in the yard crying his heart out, it was the surrounding kids that told me he does this all day long, every day. He is 18 now and still has some seperation anxiety.
You need to work with the school if you can, but you also need to listen honestly to what your gut is saying. Are these episodes happening at the same time each time? Maybe its something that is going on at school that they just dont like or cant handle. Do they really need to be at school for the entire time? Can they have some regular anticipated respite time at home or in another program?
My 9 year old has a mid week break and spends every Wednesday at a program just for aspie kids, this break in the school week is whats helping to get him thru.
When you keep the kids home is it fun for them? Maybe try not giving them acess to things like their special interests, the tv,pc, video games etc. If they are home because they are sick then they need to be treated like that, complete bed rest.
After having said all that you also need to listen to your kids perhaps it is all to much for them, perhaps they just cant explain what it is at school that is bothering them. The school need to start working with you and listening to what you are saying, your kids might appear fine to them but its possible that they are feeling sick and anxious but to uncomfortable to tell their teachers.

Best of luck.

OFF THREAD TOPIC. Anorexia is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, it isn't something I chose. What I saw in the mirror didn't reflect reality. My self-esteem was through the floor and I truly felt I did not deserve food. It was an obsession; weighing, counting, measuring, calories in, calories out. It was a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. And yes, it kills. I nearly died of it. Thing is, even when you know you're walking that fine line between life and death, in the throes of anorexia your judgement is skewed and you push it regardless.

It isn't about looking good. I didn't want to look good. I didn't want to be seen at all, actually. I wanted to disappear from notice. I hated attention and made efforts to avoid it at all costs. I lost friends, relationships and every bit of fun in my life. There was nothing cool about it, it sucked. I felt like a captive. It wasn't as simple as eating, I couldn't eat. If I did eat, I had to throw up. All day, every day, was spent focused on my elaborate rituals of weighing, measuring, calorie counting, eating, purging, repeat. I had to quit college for a while because I became too weak to attend class, and my mind was too far shot to remember anything. My body was shutting down and I was dying.

Are you missing something? Yes. You're missing a hell of a lot. I didn't choose to be anorexic any more than I chose to have Asperger's. People suffer from it, die from it. While it may outwardly appear to be a choice with a simple solution, it is a puzzle that baffles even the brightest of therapists and takes the lives of 20% of the people who fall prey to it. It's like living your life in a funhouse mirror. Nothing makes sense, nothing looks as it is and nothing is as it should be. The mind has to heal before the body has a chance.

I'm fortunate that I was able to recover from the mindset that brought that about before it cost me my life. One of the obstacles to getting there is stereotypes like the ones you're perpetuating here.

My apologies to ster for temporarily hijacking your thread.

It is important that the school understands the physical manifestations of anxiety, make sure they are aware and that you have medical documentation of this. Going to the school nurse may prove fruitless. I was often sent only to lay there all day because no fever meant no going home but as long as I was "faking sick", she couldn't allow me back to class. Sometimes the nurse just sighed and sent me back anyhow. I felt like the whole world was against me.



These would have made a world of difference for me. The seating was always quite painful for me.



Get this documentation NOW. Once they involve child services - and they likely will if you aren't compliant in getting your kid to school as they demand - you are effectively and completely SCREWED.

school avoidant behavior can lead to a truancy officer .....our son has ***gasp*** been absent 7 days this year. Our school system now has the policy that anything over 5 absences , excused or unexcused, your child needs a dr's note !

I can't even count how many times we've sent son & told him that he just needs to make it through til 2nd period for the day to count as a school day and not an absence..................

definitely check out what's going on with the teachers, other students, social worker

Thanks for sharing, Mikomi! Sorry if I seemed like a total bastard, but I generally learn a lot by playing "devil's advocate" (look up what that means). Nonsufferers also have a point of veiw and can become frustrated at seeing others suffer. Much can be learned by both to see things from the other side. My intent was not to perpetuate a stereotype as much as to present the other argument and to point out the need for others to understand what you've been experiencing.

6 month detention for truancy!! !! That's horrible! I am so sorry that you were put through all that.

I guess because my sons have several legitimate health concerns, no one has broached the subject of truancy or anything like that. But I know that there are days that they miss that are not due to their legitimate health concerns, but are because of physical side effects from anxiety. The teachers have just expressed concern that they may miss out on learning and social opportunities. It has never even crossed my mind that it could be treated as some sort of a discipline problem/family dysfunction issue etc. and action could be taken. I will definitely be checking out our school district's policy for such things to make sure we are protected.

There are so many good suggestions in here, I don't even know where to start?

EvilOlive, your school experience has some things in common with mine...there was also a lot of scootching me through because I tested well, even though I had huge amounts of absences/ didn't complete a lot of the work, and given my own experiences in school I always thought I would homeschool, but it has turned out to be a complex issue for my family for many reasons. Their school can provide many things that I cannot at home, and for now it is the best place for them to learn despite the stress. But we reevaluate this yearly, and if the point comes that the stresses outweigh the good, I will try something different. I am always really glad to have homeschooling as an option.

Bookwormde one of my sons has been newly diagnosed as Asperger's, the other is currently undergoing assessment, and we will be very surprised if the diagnosis isn't similar (identical twins with similar behaviours). And you are right, although both have excellent teachers and a very understanding school, there isn't much in place for them in the way of support, yet. This should be changing soon, although the therapist did say that my son likely won't qualify for an aide. Apparently he is "straddling the chasm" of a kid who needs help but is just a little too high functioning to qualify.

Jat, thanks for your response. A lot of good advice in there that I will use. I do need to let the teachers know more about this, but my dilemma is that my sons do have serious health problems (life threatening food allergies and severe environmental ones), which I need the school to take seriously. I don't want to teach them to minimize my sons problems, or require that they "tough things out", because it may confuse them when it comes time to recognize the sometimes subtle beginnings of the real thing. My sons do complain at school, and the school usually calls me to come in and assess them, or pick them up. I don't think my sons are intentionally abusing this concern that everyone has for their healths, they are genuinely confused about whether their bodies are really sick, a little sick or just worried, exhausted, overwhelmed etc. I'm not sure how to help them differentiate?
But yes, I do need to talk about this with the teachers more, and come up with a plan with the school to address their anxiety as you suggested.

I think this is the heart of the matter. If we could find strategies to keep them from reaching the point of exhaustion/sick with worry, they wouldn't have so much stress=not so many missed days. I feel like we're just at the beginning point here, where we are for the first time recognizing the full scope of the problems, but don't have any solutions...yet.
We are on a waiting list for OT. They really, really need some help with their sensory issues.

Aurea, thanks for sharing about your son. I think some sort of respite time would be a great idea. One of my sons has been put in a social skills play program with the guidance counsellor (there was only room for one of them) that he is pulled out of class once a cycle for. He loves it. It is the highlight of his week. It is quiet, only 1 adult and 1 other child and they get to play a game together that nobody wins or loses. If we could think of some other ways for them to get breaks from the noisy, busy, kid-filled classroom on a regular basis, I know that would help.
And we do make those "kinda" sick days as dull as possible (clued into that in kindergarten when we were worried about being hoodwinked ). The rule is no dessert, video games, or TV, just bed rest...honestly though, I think it is mostly just the quiet and being away from people that they are after, so they don't mind at all.

I wonder about the ball chair idea. they both sit on ball chairs at home and one spends a lot of time bouncing (stimming?)...

Ster, I just can't believe that schools would take such a hard line about absences with kids that are struggling? As long as the work gets done (more or less) what is the big deal from the school's perspective? I am definitely checking my districts policies to make sure we won't have trouble with this in future. Although I have an excellent pediatrician and allergist who I'm sure would write us notes if necessary.

OK that was really long. Thanks though everyone. I really need to help them feel better so that they don't have to go through 10 more years of feeling ill from stress almost every day.

Last edited by annotated_alice on 07 May 2008, 7:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's mainly caused because those people may feel that they have no control over their lives.

I had a friend who used to be anorexic, and thats the gist of what she said.

Paraprofessionals are rarely required for academic reasons; high functioning had nothing to do with it. It is usually to help reduce anxiety and the manifestations from it and to allow for proper generalization of the social skill/TOM curriculum. It is really the school psychologist that will help with this, though you may have to request a “second opinion” psychologist evaluation if the school does not recognize the impact of the anxiety on your child’s ability too receive an appropriate education.

They may want to try a short trial of a comprehensive “support program” without a para but keep it on a short leash (maximum of 2-4 weeks) if there are not major improvements with anxiety then a para is a need.

bookwormde

Folks have already suggested the "real" solutions - getting to the root cause and all. While you are working on that however, I recommend trying peppermint candies and/or ginger chews. If that doesn't help, try anything that is recommended for morning sickness (saltines, ginger ale...)

I learned the trick from a school nurse who got sick of seeing me with stomach trouble. She said I have a nervous stomach (true) and started keeping a dish outside her office for me. Nowadays, you can get low and no sugar candies, but when in doubt, I go for the candy cane.