Really, really sad and tired

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I'm just really sad and tired. My son has insisted since he learned to talk that I don't love him. Which of course couldn't be farther from the truth. I adore him and have gone to great lengths to make sure he wasn't abused by relatives who thought they could spank his idiosyncracies out of him. I know he is little. But I worry that when he grows up he will have repeated this to himself sooo often that he will believe it is true, even as an adult.

When he was a baby he could barely nurse, he had a weak suck and hated the smell of my breast. He hated being held. That was a challenge but I didn't feel rejected because I suspected an underlying medical explanation.

Now that he's in elementary school, the "I hate yous!" and "I wish you were dead!" that he screams at he top of his lungs are starting to get to me.

I'm just so tired and sad. So tired of working so hard to accomplish tasks that are so easily accomplished with other kids-- like making sure he is bathed, has hair that is washed, and teeth that are brushed... like making sure he is actually wearing socks when he heads off to school, and making sure that kids actually show up for his birthday parties.

I am so tired. I am tired of having a mildly autistic daughter who, at age ten, cries herself to sleep because she got teased again and called wierd by a girl who was friendly to her until the "cool kids" showed up.

I am sad that everyone at her table at school entered the school talent show together and made sure she wasn't included.

I am sad that the child who my daughter believes is her best friend, doesn't really consider herself a friend of my daughter, and never invites her to birthdays.

I am sad that they have a Dad who I now realize is autistic and locks the door and hides from us because he can't handle interaction anymore. Tired of him wearing his headphones all the time and listening to music at full blast to shut us out. Tired of prompting him to respond to them when they say things like, "I made it into the school play!" or "I got an A on my report!" Tired of having to say to him, "They want you to say something back." and tired of having to coach him when he says, "What do they want me to say?"

I am tired of my son's hand flapping and constant humming building off of my husband's hand flapping. Tired of my daughter shouting at them to stop- because with her sensory integration issues she can't stand the input and finally screams, "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT..."

And I am tired of myself. Tired of having Asperger's. Tired of thinking, "Wow if I weren't on the spectrum, I wouldn't have picked a spectrum husband (unwittingly) and maybe our kids would have friends." I am tried of wondering if they are on the spectrum for genetic reasons, or because I am SO WIERD and SO OFF BASE in my behavior and understanding of people that they could not help but learn faulty patterns of interactions. I am tired of not being able to read the kids who appear to want to be friends with my kids, and not knowing in advance if they are setting my kids up. I am tired of not being able to mix with other adults at their events. Tired of not understanding what other parents are trying to say to me.

I am tired of my own obsessive interests, of my own pedantic speech, of my own persevorative rants about noun declensions and solar ovens.

Is anybody else really, really tired? I'd love to hear about it.

It's not your fault, Mariposa.

None of it is.

I don't know what kind of advice I can give you. I'm not really qualified. I can tell you that Asperger Symdrome is linked to genetics, but I'm not sure that information is going to help anything. Obviously your kid has a lot of aggression and he seems to be taking it out on you. Has his dad always avoided him like that?

Mariposa, I just want to give you a big hug.....i have been there, both as the child and as the mother...Painful memories wash in front of me again, I was in her shoes as a child..Then, our daughter was born with autism and mental retardation...Hang in there, dear mom , press on , courage is within us all.....Peace, Krista

Mariposa, your life very much resembles my own. Just yesterday I told my husband I am so very, very tired. Some days I am okay, and others I'm just so worn that it takes all that I have to make it through the day.

Here's a great big (((hug)))). ( I very rarely give those out, but I think you need one right now.) I would write more, but I have to get going. You can pm me if you ever need anyone to talk to that understands.

sorry, I don't give out hugs... but here's a koosh ball... it might make you feel better...

if advice would help... seperation of the family... for rejuvenation times... everyone gets an hour a night where they are doing something by themselves (has to be the same hour)...

the situation with the hubby has to get fixed, and i think you know it... but the question is how? and I don't know that one... maybe someone else has an idea...

maybe a set hour of family integration time... where it is set down that he has to talk/react to the kids about how their day is... it could even be on a word processor... no strike that... on a eraser board... so it can be erased...

(((hugs))) if you want it.

I have also been sooooo tired. I was just reading through an old journal entry on the weekend from when my sons were about four, and it was all about how I thought I would go nuts, was the worst mother in the world and had no idea how to help my sons...frustrated, exhausted and completely hopeless.

I seem to go in cycles. There is a while were I feel like everybody is doing reasonably well, I've got it together as a mom and family life is running smoothly (as possible). Then problems, worry, feeling miserable, lost, overwhelmed and just so sad that life can't be easier for my sons...and then eventually back again (usually after a lot of hard work and readjusting).

My sons say, "I hate you" too. And "You are not my mom!", and all sorts of other awful things. It really sucks to hear it.

I really liked kit000003's suggestion of separate time for everybody. We do a lot of family time around here, but we also do a lot of quiet, separate pursuing of our own activities. Especially for you! It sounds like you really need a chance to recharge your batteries. Can you get some "me" time, and spoil yourself a bit?

Mariposa,

It sounds like you need a break, two break in fact.

1. One weekend you need to leave the kids with your husband (and a list** of what he needs to do) and go away - it doesn't have to be overnight, but just go and recharge.

2. You need to get the kids minded and spend some 1:1 time with your husband.

---

** about the list: I don't mean "do the washing, ironing etc..." although it might be tempting. I mean - tell him to take the kids someplace (be specific - ie: the park from about 10-12am). Plan a timetable that gives him some time with the kids and some time without them (when they're watching TV). Also, try to give him some responses - eg: write into the plan to praise them if they're playing well together at the park.

What this list will do is help your husband adjust to what you need from him in the father role.

---

re: your son feeling unloved. You need to ask him exactly why. Ask him what he thinks you should do, what other mothers that he has seen do etc... level with him and tell him that you're new to this and appreciate any help he can give you. Tell him that you need a hug too.

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Finally, I hope you feel better. Just realise that you're not alone. None of our kids came with manuals and we, the parents on this forum arguably have more difficult children than many. I'm sure you're doing a great job and by reaching out you're showing that you want to improve.

Good luck.

When my son was 3-4, I was in HELL.

There's no other way I can describe it. I can hardly imagine anything worse than how I felt back then. And of course, no one would dx our son with anything at that age, so I just got to feel like it was all my fault, the way he was (and I could see he was a lot like me, and my husband).

I know about tired. So tired, you question whether you really want to wake up again.

You're not alone, but I don't know how to make you not feel alone. I certainly felt alone, back then.

I hope you all get some support soon. And you give yourself a break, somehow. It's vital, I know from experience.

Sometimes, you just have to "run away," just for a little while.

((HUGS IF YOU WANT THEM))

i can't imagine how hard this is on you, and i wish there was some way to help. hugs if you want it, and i would also send chocolate and ice cream (those are my 2 big things.)

sometimes i am tired of it all doing the single parenting thing, but i have found it moe frustrating for someone to be around and do nothing to help.

you have a place here to vent, which is awesome, and what you need.
you need a day away to refreh and recharge yourself, go get a manicure or pedicure or something, spoil yourself and even if you are on a tight budget find a way to spoil yourself within it.

i hope it will all get better or easier soon but life is a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs and loops lots of looops. keep holding on.

therapy has really helped me....it's a place to vent. a place to be understood. a place to get answers and advice.

it's hard to not feel like it's all your fault. some days are easier than others. your existence will only get better if you actively work to make it better

Just so ya know- I'm in therapy, and have been in therapy for a few years. It is just hard because my
husband is very isolating from the family, won't go to therapy. My son is explosive and always has been. For both of
them it is a part of the whole ASD thing. We are all on the spectrum and that's just hard. Therapy is helping, but
I get frustrated. Thanks for all the replies.

It sound like your family has spent way too much time and effort trying to be neurotypical.

Embrace the wonderful things that go along with being aspie. Deal with the interfaces with the neurotypical world only as necessary.

I suspect that your son’s “lack of love” comment is code for lack of acceptance, which comes from a the view that aspie kids need to be “fixed”.

Hunker down in the house when you can and read inspiring books to your children about their special abilities and those historical figures who also had spectrum indications. Educate yourselves about what it really means to be aspie and the wonderful opportunities that it brings.

Your husband is not avoiding you or your children; he is only avoiding the neurotypical expectations, which have become part of your house.

I guess this is not overly supportive, but I hope it give you a practical route to improving the situation for everyone.

As a mostly aspie family you have an unusual opportunity to gain internal understanding and support group with out ever having walk out the door.

bookwormde

I am an NT Mum married to an Aspie with 3 sons (2 diagnosed Asperger's).

I love all the comments from Mum's about being in therapy! Add me to the list! I started therapy with my sons' psychologist about 9 months ago.

Bye bye to the depression I had been suffering for years. I'm off anti-depressants now.

The first thing the psychologist discussed was why so many Mum's of Aspies suffer depression. The ones that hit home with me were:
- Feelings of rejection (yes I've been rejected by other Mum's and dumped by 'friends')
- Feelings of lonliness
- Feelings of not being good enough. Not up to the job of parenting your children.

Another reason was I had adapted so much to living in an Aspie household I was denying my need for socialisation.

I now make sure I go out with friends regularly. I have regular respite weekends with my Mum.

I agree with the comments about learning as much as possible about Asperger's. The more you know the better you can parent your child. A Aspie kid with a Mum who understands and adapts is a happy kid. Happy kid = happy Mum.

Helen

I get you.

_________________
~ Carrie
It's just me and I'll find a way to make it (Blue October/It's Just Me)