New here and need a lot of advice!

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I am new here, so not real sure what is going to help. My 10 yr old son who has ADHD has recently been thrown into a situation with my ex-husbands current girlfriends daughter. She is 7 and I have been told she has Aspergers or Autism, not sure which. While I am new at Aspergers, I am certainly not new to the struggles of a child with ADHD. I know these are not the same, but the frustration is similiar. With both it takes a lot of patience and understanding.

The situation is this; my son was not talked to about this little girls situation. My ex moved them in after only knowing her for 2 months, so neither child was able to get used to the idea of each other. I have been around her several times and it looks to me like her mother ignores her. She does not point out any inappropriate behavior, she didn't even keep an eye on her in a place full of people. In turn apparently this little girl has a problem with inappropriate touching. She touched my son inappropriatley, my son at that point told her it bothered him. It continued, so he made his dad aware of it. The problem persisted, and at one point my son raised his voice at her and told her again that it bothered him. Instead of sitting my son down and explaining to him that she cannot grasp this just yet, he yelled at his son and made him feel very uncomfortable with even going around her. Now I have read enough to understand some of Aspergers, but my question is, what approach should I be taking, other than to make sure my son feels comfortable in his own home? My inital reaction was not to over react, and to try and get more info on Aspergers, but I have not read anything about this type of behavior nor anything on how to discipline this type of behavior. My son doesn't get spanked, so obviously he doesn't expect her to. Maybe there is some tool I can give him to better help him with the situation. I know my son needs a lot of structure, is this something he can help her with. Is there anything I can give him to help?

My son tried to call his dad and let him know it made him uncomfortable, but he only hung up on him. We went to a counseling session with my sons counselor to try and get his father to understand that my son did not want her to be punished, but he wanted him to make sure that she does not violate his space any more. Instead of trying to help my son understand it and come to a conclusion on how to approach it he made excuses and then got up and left by slamming the door. My ex is a nurse so I am a little confused about his reaction.

For the first time in 6 years my sons teachers have praised him for how well he is doing, I do not want this to set him back. We have finally had a breakthrough and I am sure most of you know how going backwards feels. I also do not want my child to feel like he cannot tell us how he feels and know that we are at least listening. While still if this relationship is a lasting one, I do not want my son to lose contact with his father or resent this little girl.

The first thing to understand about Aspergers children is that the standard “socials” punishment structure is of limited effectiveness and often has only the affect of raising anxiety and in many situations being equivalent to abuse since this is a manifestation not a “chosen behavior”.

Not an easy situation but my main suggestion is to educate your son and yourself about Aspergers, he is old enough to understand its complexities. Let him know that his new “friend” is very special but she has some things, especially social issues, which do not come naturally to her like the majority of children. As an ADHD child he will appreciate how important it has been to him for people to be patient with his differences, and that is what his new friend needs from him.

This is probably the first boy she has shared a house with and with being naturally curious and without having been taught some of the personal space social skills this is very natural thing to happen. It sound like with knowledge and patience your son is likely to be her teacher. I know your first reaction is probably that your son should not have to do this but it is really a wonderful opportunity for him to appreciate the differences between people and to see what a difference he can make in someone else’s life.

As for your ex I would let him know that you and your son are becoming educated about Apergers so that you can be a better “friend” to his significant other’s child since they are part of you “larger” family know. I would not “lecture” him about what you learn just have you and your son set a good example of being supportive of the girls needs.

There is always a better view from the high road.

bookwormde

Isn't this (her behavior) often taken as a red flag for sexual abuse?

Willard

With a NT child that might be more probable, but with and aspie it may just be curiosity which is just not restrained by social convention. In either case it may put her at risk in environments where her safety cannot be assured. Prior abuse cannot be ruled out but is just not as likely a source.

bookwormde

i would make sure that your son knows that he has every right to feel violated. that he has the right to say, don't touch me.

aspergers is not an excuse for inappropriate touching. this girl can learn to keep her hands to herself. this should be a priority in that household. I would make sure the ex knows that your son would like help setting boundaries for this girl. ( ie; once i say don't touch me, you need to stop OR ...whatever predetermined consequence will happen)

the sooner the girl learns about inappropriate touch,the better. For her own sake as well- she needs to learn that others should not be touching her inappropriately either.

Willard

Thank you for your response, (this makes it even more sensitive) I was sexually abused as a child. I am trying very hard not to jump to this conclusion, and at the same time trying to see any signs so that I may protect my son. I am also concerned that this little girl may come into a situation that becomes dangerous for her because her behavior is not being modified. I don't want to be a paranoid mother, but I don't want my son to be put in a situtaion were he feels he can't handle it. As I stated before she is not watched very closely and any one can take advantage, my son has been taught to protect his family and tell anything inappropriate, but now he can't trust that his dad will listen. As a potential simbling (knowing my ex they will marry, habitual marrier) is there anyway that he can verbally become a mentor (lack of better term) to her while making himself feel more comfortable. I know his father a little too well, he was diagnosed as a narcissist, so he will not likely help his son figure this out. I know that he needs his dad, so I don't want him to shut his dad out, but I need to figure out how to help him from the outside looking in. Any info helps.

Ster

Thanks for your response, I do believe my son did what he has been taught and has handled the situation with a great deal of maturity (I am very proud of him). This situation obviously made him feel uncomfortable (rightfully so), it would make most feel this way. He has always been taught that if anyone touches him inappropriately he needs to tell and he did. We as parents need to take what information he has given us and do what it takes to figure out what is going on, not discipline him.

On the flip side, I do not know this mother, and I do not know what information she is willing to hear or already knows about Aspergers. I don't know if this is newly discovered or even if she has been officially diagnosed (not that that matters). I don't want to alienate her, just for her and my ex to see how we can come to a solution for both children. This is such a complex problem, I am sure it is not going to be a simple answer. I can only hope.

frankly, you can leave the term aspergers out of the conversation altogether.............inappropriate touch is inappropriate touch. your son has the right to feel safe & unthreatened in any environment he's in.............( i was molested as a child too...)...................you can't control the way they react to your intentions ( to keep your son safe).....you can state your intentions though: my son will not stay with you if your daughter continues to inappropriately touch him without consequences..........( i'm sure you can find a way to tiptoe around this topic, but being firm & concrete in your language will let them know exactly what you expect)

This is such a difficult subject for me. I describe my son as a "sensory seeker" when it comes to touch, but that is really a nice way for saying he has zero sense of boundaries, among other things. I have sat in horror at some of the things he has done in public when I left him a few minutes in a safe place so I could use the restroom. Sometimes I think it's a wonder that social services has never called.

My son responds best to kids telling him very simply and directly that they will not allow him to do what he is doing. Saying that they don't like it isn't good enough. Saying stop isn't good enough. They need to be very specific and say that they do not want him to do X. Even then, there is a chance he can't absorb the direction, but he mostly does. Fortunately the public stuff tends to be limited to hugging or squishing kids who don't like it, but much deeper lines have been crossed with his sister. We talk and we talk and we talk, and I've gone so far as to tell him that this sort of behavior will get him put in jail as an adult, or separated from his family as a child. The thing is, he simply cannot grasp why it is wrong, he insists that he wouldn't feel weird about someone else touching him that way, so reason really doesn't apply. We are left being very very blunt and direct. VERY. He knows, only half kidding, that I dread the idea of him ever dating.

So, as the parent of a child with boundary difficulties, I say all firm reinforcement from others that this is not going to be allowed is helpful. Your son should not be shy in stating clearly and precisely that the touching is not allowed. The more she hears it, the more she'll get it.

Just FYI, part of the difficulty for her may be that home has always (and should be) the "free" place. Where she can ask questions and do off things when she needs to without having to worry about it. Well, the rules are changing now that there is a boy in the house. It's going to take her a while to absorb that.

In this area my son is very much like a one year old, and the girl may be as well. No concept at all of sexuality. Just curiosity. Every mom of little boys knows how quickly they discover themselves, and enjoy watching the appendage grow, at the youngest ages. Well, imagine a child that isn't growing out of that. My 7 year old NT daughter is more advanced in her sexual thinking and development than my 10 year old. With him, it remains as innocent as it did when he was a toddler. The difficulty is that society accepts that in a toddler, but there is no room for this from a 10 year old.

Your son has a right to feel safe and not be touched. He is going to have to be very firm about it. Hopefully his father and the girl's mother can get on board and help with it, but it sounds like that is a long shot, so he will have to put up the walls. I am sorry that he has to take that on.

Thanks for your reponses, I have gone through much therapy to undo the self blame my ex put on me about my childhood. I guess I still have a little doubt about me being too paranoid. I keep a very close eye on all 3 of my boys, and so far that has worked. I guess we are forced to wait until his father figures it out. We had set up visitation on a 50/50 basis since we live fairly close, but he has not called or picked my son up as designated since the counseling appointment. My son is devistated, but continues to insist he is not going back until his father fixes this, which I totally agree with. If I can't trust his father is looking out for him, then I will do it 100% myself. I am hoping that this does not mess up his progress. He has been on a very structured schedule (because of his ADHD) for 6 years. He is already showing signs of anxiety and aggression. School is out in a week, and that is going to give him much more time to think about it.

Since I do not know to what degree of understanding this little girl has, I have to start from the beginning and kind of guess based on info my son gives me. I am hearing from several people that the behavioral therapy is kind of like repetitive verbal cues, do you know if that is correct? To my knowledge she does get spanked for other issues, is it feasable to physically spank someone with Aspergers for one issue and not another? I don't know even for my youngest, he gets time out unless he does something life threatening then he might get spanked. What I have read about Aspergers really makes spanking a mute point is that correct? I don't want my son to shy away from other children with Aspergers just because of this situtation.

I greatly appreciate your info.

I can't really answer you about consequences. Every child is different. For my son, a consequence that has little connection to the behavior that needs correcting is pretty well worthless. What works best with him is removing him from situations, and not allowing him to return to them until he shows by his behavior that he is ready. If he was in the position of the daughter, assuming that he was excited about having a sibling, the worst consequence would simply be knowing that he can't spend time with the child until he can behave in a way that allows her to be comfortable. There is a logical connection there, something he can "get." Without that, we can change behavior for the short term, but don't achieve anything for the long term. Which can be said for a lot of children, actually.