negative behavior

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My son gets negative, has a fit (crying, tantrum) and then it's hard to get him back (at school). This has been happening lately. He is very inflexible and will say mean things to kids etc. AFterwards, he doesn't seem to care too much about how his behavior affects others.

Yet, he was accused of throwing a pencil at student (actually threw pencil out of frustration and it hit student).

hit student because he/she took paper out of hand. yet, paper was his new comic book he's been drawing and come to find out he wanted to remain in cafe to work on it but was forced to go to gym (he doesn't do well in gym). There are two teachers-why couldn't he stay behind???
Why would someone grab his drawing out of his hand?

Why are these important pieces left out!? If someone is going to document my son's actions, then they better be accurate! Agreeably, he should never throw a pencil or hit a student, but the triggers and other crucial information are necessary for the protection of my son and how others perceive him. Throwing a pencil at a student is much different than throwing a pencil haphazardly with no malicious intent. Am I crazy here? This happens time and time again (since he was small).
I worry that it will spiral (it has before).

Any suggestions/similar experiences would be welcome at this point. I'm really just venting.

equinn

Yeah, I've been there. The frustrating thing is that it is often the other kids that cause it, and they don't get in trouble because it is only "subtle" meanness . . . and then our AS kids don't know how to verbally handle it, so resort to a physical reaction. What has helped me to some extent is the teachers understanding this, and getting on the other kids cases not to wind my son up. The teachers are much better now at seeing what has caused things, rather than just seeing the "bad" behaviour. Sometimes they don't get it right, and I just have to explain to my son that unfair things happen in life, but we just have to get on with things.

I think the expression..."a little information is a dangerous thing" fits here. It totally distorts reality and can be very confusing and lead to inappropriat "reactions" from the ill-informed. That is one of my concerns with people who don't really know any thing about AS other then a few stereotypes because they can use someones DX to discount them...ie...we all know that people with AS are likely to "over react", have no empathy, be black and white thinking...all this over simplified statements can lead to a teacher assuming that the aspie kid is the one to blame rather then reacting to hostile peers, other negative actions of teachers or snesory issues that the NT may not be experiencing.

I was your child at one time. Im 23 now, feels like Im 16 or 17 if Im lucky. Dont get me wrong though, I've lived a fairly adenturous life. I've had many experiences, some you might never inflict or allow to be inflicted for so long on your children.

It wasnt known that I had AS during my school years. I was a very bright kid. I could learn pretty quickly. But my tone, my inflection, my prosody, were nowhere near the skill I've gained in my time since adolecence. I didnt have the greatest of vocabs and id misuse words constantly. My character was non existent, no confidence or courage, except in the safest of places. There was no persona, just a boy trying to be good, as much as I could deal with that concept.

The problem with this is not that I was that person. The problem occurss with the society we've created. This civilization has been built on charisma. Built on social chit chat, and priveldges divied by a divided government. Our citizens believe culture is conversation, and condemnation. If you aren't like us, we dont like you. How the hell is an autistic spectrum kid supposed to survive in this storm of suffering.

It wont get any better most likely, and only because even if you move him to a different school, he'll still react the same way to the same kind of torture(and it'll happen, no doubt). What most people dont realize is we may cause some of the pain we recieve, but MOST of the time its because of one mistake made at the beginning of our relationships, one bad quirk, and everyone hates us then. It can last for years, YEARS I TELL YOU(so you better prove you love the hell out of us before you think we'll even tell you half the s**t we're dealing with)!

Your only hope in helping your children, force enough information on their teachers, principals, and later in life, supervisors, that they open thier mind and eyes and see whats really going on. A lot of NEEDLESS violence occurs because it's NECCESSARY, its self defense(something we've been taught we have as a right). Because these kids were never going to be accepted for who they were. Who we are isnt bad, but society's indifference for our differences has been a tragedy.

Before you flame me for my bravery, Remember, I didnt give birth to myself(and nor did your children). We didnt ask for this life. And all we've ever gotten was treated like garbage(unless your kid is EXTREMELY LUCKY). And its not our fault we are who we are. If anything its you and your family tree. We learned all your bad habbits, and then you allowed us to listen to music and watch tv, now we're on the internet. Lucky for you we dont fall into EVERY trap. We may love the sounds and sights, or the ideas behind them but we hardly ever actually try it. We just dont fit in anyways, anywhere, no matter what we know or can do.

Hate me for the truth, but at least someone will speak it.

Everything you described is what my son was doing in school.

Thanks for the responses.

Problem is he doesn't learn or care to learn like others. Things don't affect him in the same way. My idea is that he doesn't exactly care to connect on a deeper level with others so when they react negatively towrads him, he is only concerned for the moment. He likes someone until they get too close to his object or touch him, then he lashes out and then he is perceived differently by the group. It happens and then it's like there's no turning back-kids perceive him as unlikable and, maybe, selfish. They will try to taunt him and disrupt his solitude in anyway they can. He is only in 3rd grade and it has happened wherever he goes.

School pushes kids together as if they are all one lump rather than individuals. it seems to me that kids should be respected for space and not be forced to mingle. As an adult, I have a difficult time finding alone time at work-someone is always invading my space. I have to avert my eyes, and behave in antisocial ways just to get some peace. Then, people perceive you has moody or worry that they've done something to offend you. Then, they try even harder to connect and bother you even more! It's never ending. I can relate. I like my space, too. I don't have an answer.

equinn

Your son is living in the moment without realizing the long-term consequences of his actions. My son is the same way. He might say something rude to another kid and it's gone and out of his head, but the other kid (who is fully-capable of recruiting other kids to his cause) will never forget.

Our sons get stuck in a social mess that they don't understand how they got there and don't know how to get out of it. It's not really too surprising that they throw in the towel and decide that friendships are not worth it.

Hold up, let me get this straight. Have none of you honestly even thought maybe your child acts and reacts the way they do because thier "backs against the wall"? Kids are ignorant, but they dont miss when another kid is different. They realize very well, fairly young that someone is not the same as them. And they RARELY give that kid a fair chance to get along.

Sure, in front of teachers and principals, thier parents and you, they may seem like nice lil angels. But Do you honestly not remember how you were as a kid? You were on one side of it, the other, or a witness to its occurance. And kids are getting worse every year, younger every year. Its all about fashion and style, ability to personify and to empathize. These are gifts your children do not yet posess(besides, do you buy him the newest fashions or do you buy cheap clothes, that matters that young). Its about how you look, how you hold yourself, how you speak, how you are in general.

True, we have a sharp tongue, because we learn words to reflect emotions. Frustration turns into insults real easy, check your arguements with your spouses for that. These Kids learn this stuff earlier and earlier and use it to create hate, while we learn it for self defense. They use it To envoke a sense of not belonging, while we only do it to fit in. You people need to re-evaluate your personal opinions on your children. You're LUCKY if you dont understand what they're going through. I deal with it still, even with as well as I use this language.

To you equinn, you seem to have some anger towards your son. And you have a horrible view of him, saying "he makes a mess of things by spouting off rude comments". How young do you think I started "spouting off rude comments"? The answer to the question is, WHEN THE OTHER KIDS USED THEM ON ME FIRST. And um, that s**t started in 2nd grade. You guessed it, 7! "What a heavenly age".

How old is your son by the way? Hope he's older than I was. Kids have no heart in general, but when you push an autie/aspie to its limit we have no care for your rules. Its obvious at that point no one cared about us, what we we're dealing with, so we break down. We melt down, like a nuclear reactor. And it gets worse every time cause its usually the same reason. Kids never give up, never let up, never forget. s**t I did in 2nd grade haunted me till I moved halfway across the nation in my junior year of high school.

How bout you look through your son's eyes and see how horrible this world is, how he's treated. Have a heart to heart and learn something. The problem child is the kid who starts fires and bullys weaker kids. It is not the kid who fights back every day of his life, so he can survive, and not even win. The fact is, he's not intrested in the games society plays, and thats held against him. Its like hating a kid cause he doesnt like a certain sport, except, this is our whole worlds favorite sport, conversation/debate.

The one thing you're not understanding and KEEP IMPLYING is that your son is AT FAULT. That he is STARTING THIS. I happen to know from experience, we dont start these things. We are targeted from the first day because of our awkward gaze and perplexing posture, our eclectic use of vernacular and vocabulary. We dont do the same thing as them because we're not the same, we're totally different.

What they do is start an arguement while the teacher isnt paying attention(probably what you and your friends did growing up) and WE CANT HELP BUT REACT! Staying silent doesnt stop them. Fighting them doesnt stop them. Nothing stops them unless it gains the attention of the teacher. By that time we're the only ones noticed.
I almost guarantee your son never started any of this(we dont work that way). He just misunderstood the game, tried to play back, and its being turned against him. It doesnt matter what you do, YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS, untill the age he stops talking about it. The day you say, "Its your fault this is happening to you"(which you'll probably say cause you sound like my mom), and then he wont tell you anymore. You'll just hear about it when he's getting suspended for fighting back.

SO, STOP BEING THIS UNAGGRESSIVE PARENT AND PROTECT YOUR CHILD! HE OBVIOUSLY CANT DO IT HIMSELF, JUST LIKE I COULDNT. I BARELY survived, by my own sheer will power, should have succeeded when I tried suicide SO MANY DIFFERENT NIGHTS. I Just didnt have the courage to take my own life, let alone any other. We dont hurt people, people hurt us so we retaliate.

Your son has one of 2 paths in front of him and you're his guide. He either is lead towards a columbine like life because no one ever stood up for him, or he leads a fairly successful life BECAUSE you chose to look out for him when no one else would.

So what if you didnt get that kind of help growing up or didnt need it. HE DOES, so DO YOUR DAMN JOB! YOU WANTED HIM TO BE BORN, NOT HIM! WE DONT HAVE A WANT TO LIVE BEFORE WE'RE BORN LADY. You ruined his whole life by creating him and now you wanna blame him for messing yours up. Thats what this sounds like, if your son read your posts he'd feel betrayed. He'd never trust you again. You're putting his life on the internet and making him look like the bad kid. He's not STARTING THIS s**t. HE DIDNT START IT. ITS NOT HIS FAULT. And I can say that not even KNOWING YOUR CHILD PERSONALLY. CAUSE IVE BEEN THERE and it seems you havent. YOU may deal with a few of the things he does but you dont have a clue, its obvious.

I'm new to this so excuse me, but having read all the above, HOW do you help them, does it work the same as in the NT world, where your child can be mocked just because I stand up to them? How do I help my daughter get through this?

I think it's a positive thing that your son fight's back in some way. I'd rather have my son react outwardly instead of always placing things inward and supressing his anger and pain. You ahve to remember that it isn't his fault and that teachers are lazy in general to problems of behavior. No teacher likes to call parents and would much rather have kids "work it out" on their own.

I've learned that teachers simply don't understand or have enough sympahy for special needs kids (of couse this is a generalization...but it's based on 20 years experience as a teacher). you have to insist that when something like this happends the ENTIRE story is explained to you and that your son let the teachers know all that is going on with a situation. Let the teachers know that you be expecting them to be accountable for what happens to your child and how things are resolved for him.

Equinn,

You, unlike many other mothers, seem to genuinely care and try to understand your son. Please understand I speak with urgency, not hostility. You are doing a good job, better than many. I merely speak what needs to be heard, not what people want. It seems you're son will do better at this new school, but I will say this. No news CAN be good news, but it doesnt mean it always is.I'd hope you have an open enough relationship with your son to be able to tell the difference.

Parents dont understand autistic needs because they aren't the same as thier child most of the time. They have no clue or worry that thier child is being bullied or harassed. We need training, but patience is way more important. The effort you put in now will pay dividends later in his life. I hope you understand I've only said what I feel will help you. People think Im a heartless monster here cause I campaign for the children and not the parents. Doesnt matter to me, as long as the real message is understood.

Equinn,

I know how you feel. I used to be like your son. I didn't flick a pencil, but I DID get in trouble for even asking other kids to shutup. I luckily didn't get any things of interest taken/hurt in school. One kid, for NO reason, broke a calculator I had. Another kid destroyed a TENNIS RACKET of mine! I mean that took some EFFORT! He claimed to be trying to get me to react for my OWN good. They were SO lucky that my meltdowns aren't like some people's here.

Still, it is amazing how often I got blamed for what OTHERS did, and yet they got in trouble for SO little.

I hope you can get them to realize it is a two sided story and they should include BOTH sides of the case involving BOTH parties if they want to even briefly mention it.