Foster Care

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Welfare said it was because I was very young when I had her. That is what the problem is and it's not! They have got me to do all these parenting courses and now they want me to do one, two, three magic for older kids. What works for NT children doesn't work for my daughter. I tried telling them that, that she is assessed as being ADHD and mildly to moderately autistic plus her IQ falls into the gifted range but no, they think it is me and lack of parenting skills. I get so frustrated with child services sometimes.
Maybe if I did have this child she or he wouldn't have autism and it would be easier. Still I don't want a other baby. I had a C section because I was too small and to save complications. She is my daughter and I love her alot but it isn't pleasant experience having having a baby or being pregnant. My breasts are feeling full and heavy already plus I am starting to get morning sickness. If people found out I was pregnant, they'd be so pissed with me.

I use 1-2-3 Magic with my autistic son and it works. I think it's meant for younger kids though, not for 12+. Try reading some other parenting books, and see what works for you. I read "How to Speak so your Kids will Listen and How to Listen so your Kids will Speak" and it seemed geared more toward older kids, so it might be helpful for you.

I hope you can make a decision regarding your new pregnancy soon. It's not something people online can really help you with, so I hope you have a close friend, relative, or someone you can talk to who can help you make the best decision possible.

Best of luck.

I don't think anyone outside of a situation can ever see accurately into it. That includes me, reading a message on a board, and the social case workers you are dealing with. But, they have the authority and I have no idea how you fight that. Instead, use the time to get your life on course best you can (there is always room for improvement, that goes for all of us), and keep your love for your daughter alive, and show it to her in every way you can.

Bella, they have no right to be pissed with you because you're pregnant. You have the right to have a child.

How are you trying to get your daughter back? Or are you? Maybe we can help. It's stupid and unfair that they took her away. What did she do or what did you do that made them take her away?

I that foster care is requiring BellaDonna to learn a style of discipline, not how to teach her daughter how to read.

I've just read what you posted on another thread, and now I understand the situation better. Your daughter was doing things that were dangerious to her safety and that you did not have the ability to control. Honestly, I'm not sure how you fix that. People develop dynamics between them that are very difficult to break. Your daughter figured out your weak points and learned to push them. That knowledge is hers and will always be, no matter how many new parenting techniques you learn. Not to say there isn't any point to learning them - if you become a parent again, it will all help you establish better patterns with the new child. But changing things with your daughter .... that is SO hard.

Here is what I wrote in the other thread after reading what happened:

"It sounds like having her in foster care is for the best. One of the most insightful things parents can do is understand their own limitations. Your daughter wasn't safe with you; that sort of activity isn't safe. She needs to be with people who can prevent it. It would be out of love, then, that you allow her to be where she is safer, even if that is somewhere not with you."

Sometimes being the best parent you can be involves letting go, or at least admitting partners into your life, in the way of people who can help raise your child. I had part-time nannies for both my children when they were very young and I always felt they were partners. I had postpartum depression and I needed these women coming into my home with a fresh and objective eye. Well, and I also needed to work, but that wasn't the whole of it, I realize, when I look back. Having someone help me with my duties made me a better parent.

If your daughter is in a good, solid foster home and you are keeping in touch with her and seeing her when you can, it may be helping both of you. When you are with her, you can give her the best of you. From the foster parents, hopefully she gets the structure that she needs. I can't know for sure, because I'm not in the situation, but maybe it's another way to look at it, that you are giving her a gift, the something you don't otherwise know how to provide. An act of love.

Thankyou DW mom. That is a very insightful comment.
She is better off but also because I was at risk of seriously hurting her. Maybe I didn't manage her. The psychologist said it was my situational circumstances and also that we proberly clash because she has AS and so do I. I live in a small place and plus she hated the school where near I live. With her being out of control, a parent can only put up with that for so long before they feel like killing their child. I know that is not very nice but I did feel like killing her alot of the time. She swears, she trashes things and can be very manipulative. Now she is getting her needs meet she doesn't display those behaviours which is interesting. I do want her back. I am going to move to where the school she is at and I need to be more consistent with structure and routine.