Sports programs and me pulling my hair out. (aspy kid)

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Long story but gives you an idea what i go through... I dont know anyone who can relate or have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

I signed my dd up for soccer this spring she just turned 4 so she could be with peers her age (btw she is a Aspy) also so could get exercise and expand her boundaries (which she is so famous for wandering away all the time) this was she has a big wide open field to learn some new skills. (ex to stay with the team, stay within the cones or lines).

Its been nothing but a disaster. She will do the drills or what ever there learning for the first 10 mins then she runs off to look at things in peoples backyard or whatever, wont stick by the team, wont come back if even the little girls call her name. Walks around aimlessly. All the other parents sit down in there lawn chairs, reading the newspaper, talking on the cell phone, or talk to each other. Do I get to do that no. I get 10 mins till i have to start to chase her down explain to her agaian and again to stay with the team and listen to the coach. I gave up and stayed out in the field nearby so i could chase her down before she takes off in other directions. Practices are 2X/week for 45 mins i do this every time. She is so different then the other kids this is the st time shes been with kids her own age (14 of 'em) it just became apparent to me she is different.. This is a reality check.

1st game comes along I bribe her with a toy she wants to go out and try and play or just kick the ball or just stay in the field (lines) so i dont have to go chasing her down. Well she spent the whole game in full crying melt down because people cheered.. That was 1 WHOLE hour crying. Everytime someone scored more cheering equals more screaming and crying louder. Totally couldnt take the sensory overload. Told myself bring earplugs next time.

Practices continue to be a disaster - told coach to make sure when he spoke to her to make eye contact and she is on the autism spectrum. We happen to go to Disney World and get horribly sick and miss 3 wks of soccer.

This past week nothing changed she just gives up and walks off. Wont even play the fun games like sit on your ball or shark in the middle just fun stuff nope she stood there with her arms crossed in one spot.. (yea I didnt have to chase after her for once).
My husband didnt want her in any sports and pretty much put the whole she needs to quit, & soccer is stupid. So these are her words for the sport now... So i dont know if she (A) Just plain has no interest in the sport, (B) She is just imitating what daddy says (C) Cant comprehend and take in boundaries and reasoning skills.

Lets jump to Saturdays game I forget the earplugs UGH dummy me.. Made sure I had my bribe toy (the webkinz she didnt get last time), asked her numerous times if she wanted to play she said yes and was going to kick the ball and score lol..
Thankfully the cheering of the game prior to ours didnt bother her no tears yea Her coach starts her off in the middle of the field on the circle line.. Four other girls scratch that 8 kids on the circle (4 on each team) standing where the coach said to but not mine she starts to walk the lines all over then stand on the wrong team coach takes her to her spot game starts ball comes her way shes staring off in la la land. (ok atleast shes out there) ball makes another round her way she goes to kick it couldnt see too many kids in the way she might've. I see the wandering eyes on the prowl she darts off the field i send her back she walks all the way down the line to the flags and fiddles with them wander wander wander all while the kids are after this ball numerous times right by her she was completely tuned out. (ok fine atleast she isnt crying) embarassing yes but oh well such is life.. Then she comes off the field and tells me she quits. She hates soccer. Uh here we go. So she starts this grumpy mood all of a sudden and wants to go home. Well Just like last time I told her we stick till the end of the game and cheer the girls on thats what teammates do. mini tantrum in the grass i pretty much had to ignore it and watch the game i wasnt going to cave into this. Our teams scored and the cheering got loud along with my DDs crying she just cant handle the cheers. She falls apart. Coach needed her to come in and asks if she will play I knew she wasnt.

Nearing halftime she lightens up and wants to wear the red shirt (goalie shirt) I told her if you want to wear the shirt you have to play well she runs up to the coach and says she wants to be goalie and red shirt.. HOLY COW did my dd just do that was she now all of sudden interested in playing everyone was in shock and surprised. I guess parent get to help the little kids in the goalie position when to pick the ball up I thought i was just standing there waiting for her to run off but now i have to help her understand what to do and pay attention constantly (she cant pay attention ever).

Well she actually stood in the or by the goalie net (a Miracle just happened) i told her to keep a eye on the ball bend at the knees slightly and have your arms out , she did this and saved 2 balls from going in the net.. She got extra special cheers from the parents now knowing how she is but this backfired because she couldnt handle that and started to fall apart. All of a sudden she completely takes off out of the field, with me chasing her down and bringing her back (thank god the ball happened to be on the other side of the field lol.
She saves another ball more cheering for her and that was it she was in meltdown due to that. poor thing.. and good thing the 3rd quarter ended too. I walk ms. sobby off and take her shirt off and she goes in a heap on the ground crying.

For the end of the game the teams slap hands with each other but she will NOT go out to do that.. Then our parents make a little tunnel for the girls to run through and cheer. She didnt do this last game . So everyone runs through then the other team kids want to go too and one girl stood there slowly walking near and my dd runs out (me thinking she is taking off again) she walks slowly towards the parents and stops lets the girl go.. She waits and walks slowly then runs through (like her minute of fame soo dramatic) gets through and is crying by the time she gets out.
I pick her up and told her she did a good thing today and let her try to answer why but she doesnt get WHY questions so i tell her you did good today because you tried and let her have her prize.

Someone tell me why she does this. I try to understand whats going on but i just dont know. Is everything she does seem like aspy? or something else. I am totally alone on this my husband clearly isnt going to go along with her DX and says nothing is wrong with her and i am putting this in my head to make her different while i am trying to make her fit in and not stand out. My road is definitely bumpy here.

I dont think she is totally DX with Aspergers her neurologist is watching her and from what i hear takes him a long time to finally DX I really have no idea he is beyond strange himself. And i leave the office more confused then ever. ABout to switch Dr to a friendly one

Well I'm 17 and an Aspie and I still am unable to participate in team sports - none of the rules make sense to me and I am unco-ordinated. I have never felt the urge to participate in any either. It seems people are expected to enjoy sport, and whenever I tell people I don't, they are simply unable to understand. It's never "Oh, okay." like if someone says they don't like maths, it's always "What? Why?". This may be just me or it could be an aspie thing. In any case, sport may not be the best plan for expanding her boundaries and getting exercise in your case. It might just be that team sports and your daughter don't match.

If I were you I would ditch the soccer thing for a few years. Don't know if she does swimming lessons at all, but that could be an alternative - it gives exercise and is excellent at giving routine boundaries. You could try her in a group, and if that doesn't work, individual lessons would be good.

We had the soccer option with my AS son at around the same age, but decided to leave it for a few years - couldn't be bothered with the hassle of it, and I don't think it necessarily puts kids behind in sports to start them later. Last year AS son started playing hockey at age 7. He is going really well. I think he is a lot maturer at 7 than he was at 4, and he seems to get most of the game. I actually thought he would just be a bit of a statue out there on the field, but his skills are in the top-half of his team.

I like what annie2 is saying coz you've got to keep your sanity & be an in control mum for everyones sakes

keep talking about it coz it's very isolating, stressful & bloody hard work

Zingoz,

WOW! On ANOTHER thread I seem to be too understanding, etc... Here I will RESTRAIN myself so I don't get CANNED!! !! !

What does DD stand for? I was LEAD to believe it meant Dear Daughter, but I MUST be WRONG! YOU don't seem to care!

****WHY**** did YOU sign your daughter up? If she is ANYTHING like me, and many here are, due to a symptom in the DSM, she will HATE soccer!! !! !

And you don't make a big deal about forgeting the earplugs? HEY, that should be treated like your daughters throat was slit! It is about THAT important.
So you would REALLY have her play with a SLIT THROAT!?!?!?!? That is SICK! Granted I SOUND like I am exagerating or overreacting, but I am NOT!

If your daughter doesn't WANT to play, DON'T MAKE HER! If she CAN'T stand the screaming, DON'T MAKE HER! And bribing her is just CRUEL!

BTW Let me give you a little clue... Ball sports may lead to her embarassment and she may HATE it!(This has something to do with the clumsy part mentioned in the DSM. She may seem PERFECTLY normal, but ISN'T) Lound sounds, or ones of a certain pitch, may HURT HER EARS!! !! !!(That is part of SID/SPD Sensory Processing Disorder that is ALSO VERY common)

She DOES sound Autistic, and possibly AS.

BTW you CLAIM this was an attempt to help her socially and physically. OH MAN, what a STUPID idea! If she were a boy(I'm not sure how this affects girls), this could OBLITERATE local social ability for YEARS! As for physical? Do you REALLY think she can push through the pain long and hard enough to have it be a benefit?

I'll echo 2ukenkerls post for a certain extent.

I don't think I can stress enough that a meltdown inducing even is not the ideal environment to put your daughter into.

I know this is the Parent's Forum and you have a lot of positive input to loo forward to from other parents, as an aspie, I would strongly suggest talking to your daughter and finding out exactly what she thinks of soccer. I was 10 the first time I played "competitive sports" (basketball) and I still play it now at 28 and absolutely love it. Play it twice a week at the least.

So it might be a case of having to teach her coordination in other ways. I would definitely recommend some coordination training. Even if it's playing catch once a week for as long as it takes her to lose interest. While she may never play short stop for the national softball team, basic co-ordination does come in handy. Even if it's only to catch the remote control as it's thrown across a living room or a set of car keys as they're hurled across a lawn.

Further I would recommend reading (or watching) Temple Grandin (check out youtube). She (rightly in my opinion) points out that autistics will often find "social" and structure in groups attuned to a certain interest. So find out what she is interested in and sign her up for that. No amount of wishing will make your DD interested in soccer (from the sounds of it)... maybe she likes stamp collecting or bird watching or drag car racing. Because like it or not her entire life will generally revolve around her eventual obsessive interest. I know mine does.

So find out what it is and get her started early. By the time she's 15 she'll be the foremost expect in that field in the entire world...

Meltdowns are the be all and end all of bad situations. I don't even have words to describe how bad an experience experiencing it can be. Never underestimate how horrible that situation is for your child. It is just... well, words are at a loss... if she is sound sensitive you want to make sure you have sets of earplugs on your person at all time. make sure your DD's teachers have them, your husband has them, if you drop her off and someone else is looking after her make sure they have them, if you send her off to the corner deli for bread and milk make sure the deli keeper has them... etc....

Does your daughter want to play soccer? I think this is the important point. It doesn't sound like she has much interest in it. You're fighting a losing battle if you try to push an aspie into a hobby which holds no interest for them. To a certain extent, NTs are like that too. An NT doesn't want to be dragged off to ballroom dancing lessons every week because someone else thinks it's a good idea, even though they have two left feet and it bores them to death. A child on the autistic spectrum may find it difficult to express their reluctance to get involved in a hobby they don't like - so it comes out as tantrums, daydreaming or wandering off.

So she probably is lacking social skills and attention span, and you have the good intention of improving these things. But bear this in mind: team sports are a really hard thing for a lot of aspies: they require social skills, executive function, and physical coordination - none of these things tend to be strongpoints. I'm 27 now and I still find them impossible; as a child I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than gone to soccer club. Yes, team sports are good at building social skills and teamwork in people who are already that way inclined, but this could be a bit like saying "My eight-year-old is really struggling with maths, so I've bought him this book on advanced calculus to improve his skills."

Please repeat that phrase to yourself over and over


These are her words! She's letting you know how she feels!


She isn't enjoying herself! She doesn't want to play soccer! It's too much for her! Thats why.

I can't stress enough how, just by your description, quickly you should drop the idea of her playing soccer at age 4. IMHO I think it's crazy to try to make any 4 year olds (NT or Aspie) try to do organized sports. I should know - we tried it with our Aspie son- It was a joke and a waste of our time and my sons.

There are PLENTY of other more enjoyable things your daughter can do to (as you say ) "be with her peers, get some exercise and expand her boundaries" (unclear what you mean by the boundaries thing?

Heres' a hard question:
Do you want her to WANT to play and be successful at soccer because it's "what kids do" its what NT kids do and you want her to seem like a typical 4 year old? Is this more for your benefit?

I know because I did it for that very reason. We tried the organized sports for my now 11 year old- WAY TOO EARLY! We gave up on the idea of organized sports for him - so what? He loves, swimming, bowling, and this summer we are trying (at his request) a track and field program through our park district. Only because I think he's mature enough now and can handle all that it entails.

Let your daughter enjoy herself - don't push her to be somthing she's not. You'll figure out what she enjoys as she matures-

We had to back way off of the idea of our sons starting sports or other activities at the same time as the other kids. Most kids start organized sports around here at the age of 4 too, but my sons simply were not ready. They didn't have the focus or coordination, and would quickly go into sensory overload because of all the noise, other kids touching them etc. It sounds like your daughter is the same way. It really sounds like soccer is sheer torture for her (and you!). I don't think you will gain anything by continuing to force her. I would take her out of soccer ASAP, and maybe try again in a couple of years...but even then don't be surprised if she still hates it, and please don't force her if she does. Team sports can be very, very difficult for aspie kids.

My sons have tried several different sports and activities. The only ones they have really enjoyed are swimming and art lessons.

I would think thats appropriate for her age level.

have you ever seen a 5 and 6 year old t-ball game? Half the kids in the field are sitting down, others are picking dandelions, and others are standing at their fence talking to their family. There might be 3 out of ten kids actually paying attention to whats happening with the ball

But if you want her to pay attention for most of the lesson, you need to find something she would like to do. Gymnastic, karate, swimming etc. Something she is really excited about. She will of course zone out at times (after all she is 4 and an aspie) but if she enjoys it she won't be wanting to quit afterwards

That doesn't make any sense. You know your daughter is incapable of handling the noise of the crowd so rather than remove her from her pain your bringing ear plugs to ignore her torture and cries for help?


Why didn't you remove her from the soccer team the moment you realized she was incapable of handling the watching crowd?

Hi Zingoz,

Far out! Have just read some of the posts added and hope you don't think we're a grouchy old lot here! . . . especially with it being your first post and all. I probably would've been scared off!

As a parent of someone with AS, I can relate a lot to what you are saying, especially in those early years when AS traits are just starting to come to the fore, and as a parent, you are getting used to a completely different world and how to do the best for your child. Your motives for starting your daughter at soccer were admirable:

This shows you're trying to do your best. There have been a lot of things I have done in the best interests of my son, and they haven't necessarily worked, so I've had to modify things or give up. Having an AS child is a journey and a LEARNING process. I don't think it's necessarily fair for others jump in as though you should have known it wouldn't work. You just need advice and support on how to work through these things. I hope you find that here. Have a good day.

Hi - This is a tip from a mom that's been down a similar road. I also signed up my son for soccer when he was 4. For all the great AS folks here - remember that the we parents are just beginning to learn there may be something different going on at this young age. So when we see a child that needs to socialize (as the tide of other parents reminds us), we try something like organized sports.

This is a time for an "aha" moment. We see how differently our kids handle the group activity. We are perhaps used to seeing our kids acting somewhat "fine" around us, and are stunned to see what happens ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES we try a group activity. My opinion is that no child is really ready for "soccer" at 4 years old. It would be better to do drills the whole time so they each have a ball in front of their foot, but... I digress.

My son would play one-on-one kicking around a soccer ball with me in our backyard since he could walk, and he seemed to enjoy it, so that's why I signed him up. I pulled him out when the season was over, and did not make him go when it was too cold or he was having an off day. We also made sure that he started every game, and ended up only playing a total of 10 minutes (all added up) out of a game. My son was OK with the "tunnel run" - we had been helping him with his very obvious sensory issues since he was a baby, but I still did not have a Dx at this point (didn't know about autism).

But, until he ASKS me to join something like that - I'm not going to put him back in an organized outdoor sport, with the many, many sensory overloads. When it was sunny, he would chase his shadow, for example. Another reason a sport like soccer didn't work out is that when my son DID get interested in how the "rules" worked (just a little), he was very upset when someone kicked the ball away, or did something he didn't expect. "That's not right" he would say. It's simply just not a good fit with AS/ASD (expecially at 4).

Here are some activities my son, now 5, can tolerate: ice skating (the teachers let him go off on his own when he didn't want to exactly go with the pack - ask for flexibility), swimming, individual class gymnastics or even tumbling. He did great in a "all-sports sampler" indoor class with a group ONE YEAR IN AGE BELOW HIM. He got used to being in a gym (it took some work, but he learned to run with the pack here). Also - he couldn't go the full hour, he was overloaded exactly 45 minutes into it. It was like clock-work. The coach was very understanding, and he can now go for a full hour. LOTS of public playground time to get used to kids runningn around and making noise.

What I learned, is that if my kid is stressed, I'm doing more harm that good. No matter what kind of money I may have spent on a class, if I were to force him to finish it, that would be far worse than the money I may loose when I pull him out early.

I'm not trying to shelter my son - I'm just not allowing him to stay in futile situations. I may put him in something that challenges him and may bring tears, but not tears of stress. And I'm not perfect, I may not see the problem right away - all we can do is try our best. No kid comes with instructions, but my AS/ASD sensory kid goes contrary to what works with others, so we have to be keen observers.

My son also enjoyed some nice short parks and rec kiddie science classes. He paid MORE attention to that than the kids that were good at soccer!

Good luck in your journey. Know that the advice from those here comes from wanting to help your son - even if it sounds harsh.

MAN, WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY! Didn't you see the part where she said her daughter SCREAMED because of the noise, and she IGNORED it?!?!?!? Didn't you see that her daughter HATED this? Frankly, in the US, there is CPS which is often too quick to step in. If they stepped in HERE, it would be GREAT!! !! !! ! DON'T encourage cruelty to children, just because YOU happen to have successfully weathered such things.




It is in the DSM, her DAUGHTER has told her! SHE KNEW FOR A FACT that it wouldn't work! MAN, I only had to handle this stuff for perhaps 10 minutes TOPS, and that was while I had some distance.

Sometimes I wish people like you would get SPD just so you could REALLY LEARN!! !! !!

This was obviously NOT written by someone with such a problem, but look at the "Hypersensitivity To Sounds (Auditory Defensiveness)" part

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder. ... klist.html

Or THIS page:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder. ... rders.html

I had a hot piece of metal practically BRAND my skin, and I barely felt it! Do YOU want to try?!? Want to know how hot it may have been? Well, it was hot enough to melt solder:



It was hot enough to ALSO melt the gun(MADE to melt solder which, in this case, was a tin/lead alloy! YEP, METAL!), and the rug underneath. It also left a NASTY welt on my lower arm. I was only 8 at the time. I NEVER went to the doctor, and I went to school the very next day!

Could YOU stand that!?!? Imagine how I didn't feel that, and you may have SCREAMED under the same circumstance, and you can understand how something YOU can tolerate can make that girl scream. A little girl that just wanted to be happy. What did that girl do to you!?!??!?!?

Your spreading such ignorance about how people with ASD feel just hurts me a LOT because, though I am hyposensitive to pain, I am hyPERsensitive to sound and light, etc... And some here talk like THEY are worse than I am! Imagine THAT!! !! !! !

She didn't mean to say the posters daughter didn't feel no pain. She meant that the poster did not yet understand how truly painful such experiences are for her daughter, as many parents didn't understand when they were first learning about AS.

In other words she's saying that being as this parent is new to the whole AS thing she may honestly not have realized that the experience her daughter gets from the noise of the crowd cheering for a few moments at a time is similar to the experience she'd have if she were standing next to a jackhammer for 4 hours straight with nothing to block the sound