Some opinions/advice needed. Thanks in advance

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Hi all,
J my 9yr old aspie son attended a sports day at school on wednesday (reluctantly) This day was held at one of our local sports fields and there were three other schools involved, it was just for grades 3 and 4. It was an all day event, the kids were told just to bring their lunch/snacks and a drink.
I packed J off in the morning with a different back pack(much smaller than usual) I put all his lunch snacks etc on the bench and had him pack his bag, hopefully so he would remember he had a different bag, last time we used a different bag he forgot and went hungry. When we got to school I asked his teacher to please remind him and show him where his bag was so that he wouldn't miss out,I explained why, sure no problems she says.
I told J I would pop down to the sports field at some stage to watch. Which I did. He didn't see me for the first few minutes. All the kids were in mixed groups doing different events. I was watching the kids in J's group getting frustrated and pushy with him because he wasn't following the instructions for each activity right. He didnt appear to be bothered by this (I was ) He eventually spotted me, then the siren went for snack time. All the kids had to go back to where their own school groups were sitting, have a rest, something to eat etc. I walked over to J, he was to take me to his school group so that I could fix up his drink bottle and his sandwichs which had gotten a little squished in his bag. When I got to J he looked terrified, his eyes were huge he was standing very stiff and repeatedly saying, "she's gunna hit me, she's gunna hit me, just like Christian" I asked him whats going on it took a while to get a response. He eventually got out that he had made rabbit ears on a little girl and she had said if you do that again I'm going to hit you. Any way I tried to tell him not to worry about it, I tried every thing. He just kept repeating she's gunna hit me, it's just like Christian (Christian is a boy in J's class who a few weeks back punched him, I'm still not sure why) I finally got him to walk me to his school and his lunch bag all the way reasuring him he was very stiff (almost robotic) ever few steps repeating the phrase she's gunna hit me. Well so much for the teacher showing him where his bag was. He walked me over towards the wrong school group. He had no idea where his school was. I eventually spotted his teacher over the other side of the field. I get to where his bag is, sit him down and sort out his drink bottle and lunch, all the while he is still saying she's gunna hit me, his eyes are huge he is stiff as a board. I spot his teacher a few feet away taking no notice of us, she is supervising the other kids. I spend a few minutes trying to reasure J that he is safe and trying to get him to eat. He is almost robot fashion eating in between mouthfulls he is still saying she is gunna hit me. I approach his teacher and tell her what happened and she looks his way then says "Oh.. ignore it...pretend you didn't see it". I'm stunned, I stupidly walk away without saying anything.
I spent a little longer with J, then I had to leave. I did go back to check on him about an hour and a half later and he seamed ok.
I spent two days dwelling on the incident, I eventually corner his teacher in the hall yesterday after school, I told her I wasn't happy with the way things were handled. I told her I had huge concerns re J's anxiety levels ( this isn't the only time I have needed her to step in and acknowledge him) She agrees that perhaps she needs to be more aware of J, but as far as special needs kids go her biggest concern is one of the other kids in his class (I'm not sure was her dx is but it is obvious something is up), she then had to leave to take a call, I am totally unsatisfied. J has no funding, no aide and the school are only just starting to see he has a problem. I worry that all those times when the school have told me he is fine (only to have him having a melt down at home) is this because they pretended they couldn't see anything wrong? I am in a situation were, to move him at this stage could possibly do more damage, I could be moving him to another slack situation. I am just so frustrated.

I have 3 kids out of six that have some sort of neurological issue. My oldest son, now 17, is classified as autistic though high functioning, my 13yr old son is diagnosed on the spectrum, but unknown where exactly, and my 10yr old girl has anxiety disorder with ocd complications. I have taken this family through school systems in three states. It can be extremely frustrating.
We just started school this year, but last year I had a very hard time getting my anxiety disorder daughter's teacher and counselor to realize that we had massive melt downs at home from stress accumulated at school. I thought she was eventually on my side, but then my daughter told me this last summer that her teacher had told her at the end of school that she had nothing wrong with her and I was just neurotic. (!) She has been formally diagnosed.
Same with my oldest and most affected autie: he has had multiple diagnosises of autism, yet trying to get teachers and school counselors on your side is most difficult, even with their evaluations signed and in front of their faces. They have the audacity to question just how bad they really are from what they see. When he was in elementary school, my husband went to the principal about his teacher - nothing. He eventually went all the way up to the superintendant of the school, though threatened to go over even her head. On that occasion and location (California), it worked. In Pennsylvania, we had awesome schools that really supported the teachers with counselors and task teams. Absolutely no bullying was allowed (suspension for even mentioning a threat) and my child had one on one with a counselor just to discuss the day, unwind/shut down, and people problems, with the principal for academic coordination, and reading specialists.
We are now in Utah. I had to pull him from his sixth grade class three months into it (that was 4.5yrs ago) from a bullying incident: a kid jambed a pencil into the back of his neck while he was sitting at his desk. The teacher did nothing for him nor to the bully. He came home to me with a blood trickle down the back of his neck. I was outraged. I went directly to the principal who said, "I'm sorry that happened to you." I homeschooled him until his 8th grade year. We mainstreamed him back into public school, though I am always on the look out for alternative teaching institutions should a problem arise again.

I have put my others into charter schools. My second AS child was in a charter school 20 minutes from our home in another community. He saw another boy get in a fight (it was way out of the ordinary) and was terrified to go back to school. All he could remember was the blood on the boy's face. I assured him this wasn't going to happen to him (though he just knew it was) and talked to his teacher about it. I find that in the charter school situation, teachers are WAY more responsive and caring and open. His teacher let him stay inside with him, eat lunch, work on homework, even took him to a place on the school grounds where other kids who were less inclined to large groups (for whatever reason) would play ball against a wall by themselves in parallel play. He was fine.
We had a charter school open up in our community, so now all of my younger kids go there. My second autie even has an autistic history teacher, so the counselors are more in the know. The kids are a lot more respectful and standards of behavior are higher. He has a lot of support plus smaller class sizes - he is in 8th grade right now and each class is 15 kids or less, plus he is with all his siblings. And academics are emphasized over sports, though he is also taught in a non-overwhelming environment how to do sports. I never thought he would like sports, as we tried that. Music is his thing as his hearing is accute. Yet I was surprised to hear he enjoyed playing on a small team in his PE.
He is due to mainstream next year. I worry he won't handle it, so have a back up all ready. I have found a k-12 school here that also does DVD's that your child can do at home on his time and go to social functions on his own - usually communities have groups of homeschool kids that tend to be respectful and open minded. Most communities have social groups for people with neurological disorders, autism etc. which really can be helpful once they get over the hump of actually going.

Hope this was helpful to some degree, though it is very long. I am a huge believer in alternative education options for kids with special needs. Main public schools are in general just too over taxed to give interest to individuals, no matter their needs, unless you live in an awesome area like we did in PA.

Just a thought, my friend with an aspie daughter (also 10) has her in the same public school I took my oldest son out of. Every year she is very pro active. Twice a year she will go in to the classroom and put on a special FYI for the kids and teacher about her daughter and Asperger Syndrome. She arranges for her daughter to go to the library during her presentation, and she just tells the kids and the teacher about her daughter: what they might expect from her, from her behavior, how to interpret what she does and why she does it, and, THIS IS REALLY BIG, how THEY can help her to succeed in school. Children always want to be big brother/sister and be helpers. She says it works pretty well, but she has to do it a couple times a year to keep reminding the kids (and teacher) that her daughter is special and has different needs.

Perhaps that is more helpful than anything I wrote above. Sorry this is long.