I need friendship advice Please!

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My son is 9 and has yet to be offically dx although we (parents), school and dr all strongly agree that Asperger's seems to fit him. He was dx with ADD at 4 but in the last year it has become apparent that there is something more going on. We are waiting for the school to do an evaluation in the fall.

Anyways, here's what I need advice about...

My son only has one friend and of coarse this friend in the worse kid that he could possible pick. We have put up with him and his crazy family for the last year because there are no other kids knocking on our door to invite him to play. Every time we interact with him or his family it is utter turmoil. This kids are rude, wild, messy, dirty mouth, aggressive and they seem to have to rules at their house. He is mean and rough to our 5 year old daughter and our 13 year old dog. This summer they brought a case of lice and he sat on our dog causing her to limp around for 2 days. His little sisters have bitten and spit in our sons face. I say this is the last time every time we see them but then after about a week or so feel bad because he doesn't have anyone to play with. Especially when his little sister has her friends to play with all the time.

Has anyone had a situation like this? I would love some advice!

iT IS quite complex to help you.
You should get help of a professional Psycolog some speciallized in Autism.

Any way, in general, not may be your case,
I should recommend (not bad)
discipline, train; instruct , books for reading, and SPORTS...

If he can get some "hard" difficult, and "not dangerous", maybe "almost harmfull" sport the better as, Maybe mountainclimbing, or 6 hours walk, which force the body into some physical "stress".

Some countryside activities not bad or sports where you can get a prize after winning...

Enjoy your kid, let him a chance for flying out of boreness!! !

I think he would be better off having no friends (for the time being) than have this kid and his family as a hurdle or worse yet, an influence, on him. As long as he fully understands why he shouldn't be hanging around this kid anymore.

Are you SURE your son likes those jerks? They are NO friends, and about as much vermin as that that they carry. You should forget about them, and just explain to your son why. He should understand. That lice STILL exist in a place like the US is astounding. I guess they must be popular, do to the term "nit pick", "cooties", and the fact that you can get lice kits at drug stores, but MY family never had them and I am not aware of having known anyone that did.

And the idea of the spitting, bitting, and sitting on the dog!?!?!? Do yourself, your daughter, your dog, your family, AND your son a favor, and say "GOOD RIDDANCE to BAD RUBBISH!"!

You may think that harsh, but think of all the damage they could cause to health, morals, and ethics! And what OTHER diseases could they bring? Lice is bad enough.

Does your son actually want friends in the first place? Many Aspies are happy with their own company.

better to have no "friends" than friends like that !......what about seeing if son is interested in joining scouts, or some sort of local club/sport ?.....karate is good

we used to live across the street from some potential "friends" for my son (now 11) but they were strange, sometimes awful people. They had an older brother who was openly hostile to my son and would try to prevent him from playing with the 2 other boys his age. The mother was clueless and never helped the situation.

He had a few good times with them, but it got to the point where we didn't encourage him to go over there because often it was truly upsetting for him (and us). He was better off with just us than with these kids.

You know the phrase "with friends like these, who needs enemies"

Okay, here are some answers to your questions....

Does your son actually want friends in the first place? Many Aspies are happy with their own company.

They mostly don't really play together, just kind of around each other unless it's being on the computer together or arguing about who wants to play what. But my son does say that this kids is his best or only friend. I think he likes the idea of having friends (and knows that most kids have friends including his little sis) but just doesn't know how that works. He has had social skills classes and knows the "rules" of socialization but I don't think he knows how that applies to him or that he isn't doing the right things socially.

better to have no "friends" than friends like that !......what about seeing if son is interested in joining scouts, or some sort of local club/sport ?.....karate is good

We signed him up for scouts last school year and he & Dad really enjoy it but after a year he didn't interact with the other kids or even really get to know any of them. Hopefully this year his dad can guide him in some social interactions.

You may think that harsh, but think of all the damage they could cause to health, morals, and ethics!

This is my thought exactly but it breaks my heart as a mother to have a beautiful, sweet, smart, funny boy that no one wants to be friends with.

****scratches head***...........if he & dad enjoyed scouts, then why stop it ?......aspies all go at their own pace. just because he didn't interact with the other kids doesn't mean he won't interact with the others. sometimes it's just a matter of time.....also, your perception of interaction is probably vastly different from your son's perception of interaction....

my hubby is an aspie, as well as my son.....hubby went through his childhood with very few friends. he's happy. ....I, on the other hand, am NT and went through my childhood with very few friends- I was not happy about this, and struggled to come to terms with the fact that I'm eccentric & this makes some people uncomfortable.

what does your son think about all of this ?

We are not taking him out of scouts. It is the one of the only activities that he really enjoys. I just hope he can make some connections with the other boys this year.

My son was friends for several years with a child from a difficult home. They were actually good people, but troubled, and the reality was that my son and that child shared very few interests.

What we found worked best was to schedule outings, not playdates. Out of our home, out of the other child's home, with a plan on what was going to be done that day. We did so many fun things. It was really great for all of us.

Hi there,
I do understand how you feel - I too have a beautiful, funny and smart son who was socially isolated and in a similar situation in that our neighbour's child, the only kid who was always ready to come and play, bullied him, increasingly so as time went on. We felt this was very bad for our son's self-esteem as he might come to expect to be treated in that way and that he deserved nothing better. We decided that a 'friend' like that wasn't a friend worth having and stopped him coming over. Our son understood that real friends don't treat each other in that way and the neighbour's child wasn't missed.

Only you can decide what's best for your son, but I know I would break off all contact with a child who behaves in the way you describe. There really doesn't sound to be any fun in it for any of you.

Our son went to Scouts for 12 years and though he didn't make any close friends and always tended to be on the periphery he learnt valuable life and social skills and has a much larger circle of aquaintances than he would have otherwise had. As the years went on we noticed that the adult leaders and some of the other kids began to see beyond his differences and come to appreciate his special gifts. Scouts gave him a social life and access to a variety of different experiences at a time when he could have been very isolated.

So - with regard to Scouts, stick with it even if the results aren't quite what you hoped for in terms of friendship. My husband, too, often enjoyed helping with Scout camps and activities and we also saw that as valuable father and son time.

Are there any other activities your boy might enjoy? Joining a club or some sort of special interest group might not result in close friendships, but could at least get him interacting with other kids.

Good luck - I know exactly where you're coming from.

Hi
My older boy (not dx'd with anything) has terrible troubles making friends. When he was younger he to had a friend very similar to the kid you are discribing. My son is now 18 and I have learnt that due to this kid my boy used to play with, other kids avoided my son. I believe my sons self esteem also suffered. It's easy to see it all now, but back then because my son was so desperate for a friend and this kid was the only "friend" on offer my son clung to him.
So If you can teach/help your son to move on from this boy I believe this would be the best thing.
PS I felt really sorry for my sons friend and thought I was doing good by allowing him to spend so much time with my family. In the end this kid dumped my son, for a group of losers and is apparently now a drug user, not at school or working and is constantly fighting with his family. Make the break while you can, before to much damage has been done.

good luck.

This is me waaaaay back when and looking back , simply put i can tell parents sometimes have no idea what the hell to do when their AS kid ( or kid with similar type problems ) just isn't getting friends ( my parents for a time were super confused ). Basically i was helped when i was put into team sports like soccer , it would also help if the activity if connected to childs school , so he can see his/her friends more often thus increasing the level of social activity. However a variety of activties are recommendable. Try things like Karate Classes, Soccer Clubs, group guitar classes and the like. Sooner or later your child will find what's right for him AND be a socially active person , BUT if that doesn't work , perhaps invite one the friendlier kids that your child already knows a little over for a playdate to help your child get a headstart if they have trouble getting the ball rolling.

Hi.

I am going to come at this from your point of view.

If those were the only people you had to be around or to be alone more, which would you rather be? I know for me, I finally had to let go of 'friends' like that for the same reasons many others have posted. It was just more draining to be around people who could not be civil to each other if their lives depended on it.