9 year old aspie son & being different

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My aspie son (who just turned 9) is really noticing things a LOT more lately.

For instance:

~He realizes he's different from others and doesn't like being different.
~He doesn't have friends like other boys (going places together, visits, etc.)
~He has difficulty with impulse control.

He has been very negative about himself. Most of this has "come to light" for him over the last two weeks while attending summer school. He said that God must not like him because he is too different from other kids and most kids hate him.

He goes to a Behavior therapist once a week as well as a boys social skills group. So we ARE providing some extra help so that he can understand himself better and help him work through areas that may be confusing for him. Our goal is not to change him, but to help him gain a better understanding and to accept and love himself.

My son is lucky. I usually understand him -- well, most of the time. I have researched Asperger's, but that does not make me an expert by any means. And I stand up when it's needed. And I hug my son when it's needed. And I provide positive discipline when it's needed.

For many of the members here who have Asperger's -- this whole subject and process probably nothing new to you. But as a parent, it's so heartbreaking to work through this necessary step. I don't know what it's like to HAVE Asperger's. But then again, people with Asperger's don't know what it's like for a parent either (or a parent that actually cares).

SO --- if other parents or even those with Asperger's could give me any advice on how to work through this "I hate myself for being different" part, it would be appreciated. How do I get him to see that different really is a good thing? And to like himself for who he is?

He's at a potentially rough age. I would say ages 9-14 (maybe upto 18 ) are the worst. Most kids are maturing in ways that the Aspie does not.

What class is he taking in summer school? Remedial or getting ahead? Is he talented or obsessed with a particular subject? If there's something he's really good at, I would tell him that God gave him that gift so that he could "help others" or "solve difficult problems that others can not" or something else that fits the subject. You can also tell him that since God has given him this advantage, God has created balance by creating challenges for him that are different than most people.

I don't know how to solve the "I hate myself" problem. I suspect there are a bunch of members that would like to know the answer to that one. It usually comes and goes for me. Things got especially better for me around age 16-17 because I got to tailor my classwork toward my interests but I had an especially difficult time between ages 11 and 15.

Good luck to you and your son.

EDIT: Eliminate unwanted emoticon

I know the feeling, grades 3 through 7 sucked horribly, and I was rather depressed at that time.

What got me out of that was a move to a new school. The teachers stopped pestering me to be social, and I was able to isolate myself from the rest of my class, and was generally left alone. Being lonely isn't the best thing in life, but its better then being mocked and bullied. Unfortunately, around that age, children are very cruel. I don't really know what advice I can give you, other then to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING! do not make it any worse for him.

Don't force him to go to school functions or play on sports teams that he doesn't want to do. And don't nag him about being anti-social, that just makes him feel worse. Just comfort him, and make him some cookies. Tell him that you still love him and that he shouldnt listen to the other students. It wont make everything perfect, but its the best you can do at a hard time like this.

Does your son know he has Asperger's? If not, it may be time to tell him. If he is a reader, providing him with books might also be a good idea. At that age, my son loved Kenneth Hall's book, Asperger's, the Universe and Everything. On a lighter note, All Cats Have Aspergers is a cute book.

There are lots of other books for kids about Asperger's. There's a novel, The Blue Bottle Mystery, where the main character "just happens" to have Asperger's, and is diagnosed during the course of the novel. It's for kids about your son's age. These books helped my son feel less different and less alone.

Knowing that famous people like Albert Einstein and Bill Gates are thought to have had Asperger's was also fascinating to him. He started reading a great deal about Albert Einstein, for a while. It was a very good thing for him, to realize that Einstein also didn't fit in, and was so brilliant and accomplished so much.

Am an AS parent of AS/PDD 9 year old. ( in two weeks) and think that most important things are to remind him of everything he's good at, encourage/support all activity that he enjoys and excels in, and give him lots of time to do them.

I had bad times aged 8-10, ( desperately not fitting in, a lot of playing alone when at school, and reading when at home), at which point things picked up for a year at end of the small country primary school, because had been there for 5 years by then and everything was familiar, and because having jumped a year earlier on because of advanced reading skills I stayed two years in same class with same teacher who was very supportive of my reading, writing and artistic skills. Also very gentle and protective.

But things went radically wrong again on starting girl's grammar school at almost 12 in a town in suburbs environment. And stayed bad until I was 14 or so. As someone else said. At that point I threw myself heart and soul into learning social skills, which unfortunately took its toll on my academic performance which from then on was only adequate/minimum nec to get by respectably.

At the worst period, about 12-13, I told my parents a few times that I wanted to leave school, and was told that I could not, ( untrue, my mother was at home full time) , and that I had a choice; to join/follow the sheep or climb with the goats. This was not at all comforting, because it made following the sheep, which I longed to be able to do, because of the teasing and bullying, but was so difficult, seem like a feeble and pathetic ambition.

I did eventually, with the help of alcohol do very well at it for several years until I broke down.

So I suppose the other thing that I would suggest is ask what your son thinks would help. What would he like in order to improve things/fit in/be happier. For instance I longed to be allowed to wear a little make up like the other girls ( totally forbidden; I gradually accumulated a stash which I almost never got to wear, but was proud of) , and have shoes with heels, ( out of the question for my parents) , and go to occasional discos, and have nicer clothes generally, ( ours were jumble sale or hopelessly old fashioned or for older people, which my mother apparently never realised were absolutely wrong) and a proper haircut, ( it was me or my mum who cut my hair) and just generally be as normal as possible so that would not be reviled and mocked.

I learned the hard way that appearances count. Perhaps there are somethings your son could wear or have or do which would act as a sort of password, at least to avoid the worst exclusion.

But the best thing has got to be encouraging/enabling his most beloved activities; my parents did not allow me to go to art college despite my being an almost compulsive scribbler/sketcher/doodler and loving art generally. They wanted me to go to uni first. They said that if art was really important to me I could do that anytime when I was older. This is not what happened. i just stopped doing it altogether as I moved into almost permanent alcohol use at uni in order to join in. Studying took way too much executive capacity, and the only thing that I had ever done out of sheer passion had borne no fruits and disappeared in the partying.

My own son home-unschools, after a couple of tries at school which he did not enjoy. He does karate twice a week and just got his yellow belt. He has found a place of sorts with that. And he is happy doing it. Otherwise he reads loads and plays on the computer. I am hoping, holding onto faith in his finding what he wants to do, something which will really fit for him. But he too gets mocked and teased very quickly for his oddness.

Good luck.

PS: Good idea for the role models. Introduce examples into his life of what great aspies interests and work has been/is.

I think that age 9 was one of the worst years, because that's the beginning of when the other kids are obviously different from your son, and it hurts to watch those differences. I particularly hated that year.

The good thing is this: He's only 9, and you can really start to do a few things to help him out. You are already doing that, with the social skills classes. We did that up until last year -- when I began to notice that the group of boys were kind of perpetuating behavior that would make it HARDER for them to socialize outside of the social skills group (they were telling and constantly repeating jokes that nobody outside of the group would think was funny, etc.). It was hard to pull my son out of that group, as he loved the other boys, but at this stage you could see that there was a law of diminishing returns with the benefits of this social skills class.

My son is now 12, and things seem to be looking up. These are the things that we feel are helping:

1. We replaced the social skills classes with acting classes at a local theatre group for kids. Amazingly enough, some of the skills learned in these classes are identical to the skills taught in the social skills classes. If your son has any desire to show off for an audience, that is incredible motivation for him to be successful with the skills learned in an acting class. Also, theatre people are notoriously accepting of people who can't find acceptance anywhere else -- great preparation for finding a group to be with in high school.

2. If you can, get him involved in a boy scout troop. It's a smaller group to be friends with, and the boys are working on achieving merit badges, which is a real ago boost.

3. Start now teaching him, or finding a young person to teach him, current music. If you can, maybe get him guitar lessons. Children who are not athletic often can find acceptance by being in a band as they get older. Aspies are often gifted in music ability, so this might be another place to find positive associations and a way to boost his ego.

4. This may seem very shallow, but if you can, try very hard to dress your son as stylishly and current as possible. I have two older children who I refused to buy name-brand, expensive clothing for, because it just seemed ridiculous to me. But my last child is my Aspie son, and I spend money on his clothes, and my daughter helps me figure out what is current and acceptable clothing. We have found that if he looks good, his peers tend to give him a break when his social skills are lagging and he seems way more immature than they are. Also, they comment positively on certain articles of clothing that are especially trendy, which is another thing that boosts his self-esteem.

As far as hating himself because he's different, I think my son struggles with this as well. We try to be super positive in our household, but there are situations that arise where my son goes from being really cheerful at home, to very depressed at school. We never know when or why the depression will kick in. It's sporadic, so we just try to deal with it when it hits. We find that the depression usually hits either when there's a) a problem with his meds, b) he's in a large-group situation and can't cope, or c) he's in a classroom situation that is chaotic, i.e. when there's a sub in one of his classes.

I'm sure others have mentioned this, but you can always provide the list of people who have Asperger's who are extremely successful (these lists are readily available on the internet). Also, it's very clear that to be truly successful in art, music, or science, people NEED to be different, because they are the ones who see the world in a new and unusual way. This is what produces great works of art or new developments in science.

Kris

Everything that Kris (aka Schleppenheimer) said was brilliant.

I told my son that he has skills that other kids simply don't. He's smarter, he's very mechanically oriented, and that it all evens out in the end. He knows that he is different, understands his condition and it seems to make a difference.

9 is so difficult. It was my toughest age, as well. You sound like a great Mom who is doing the best she can. Keep it up and it will all work out in the wash.

ouinon gave some great advice, etc... I can't say much else.

My AS son hasn't had any issues with self-esteem since he got his diagnosis. His problem was before that, when he couldn't understand why he was different. Once he knew his brain worked a little different, and that the burdens were more than offset by gifts, he was set. That seemed to be all he needed to know. And he LOVES his gifts. By fifth grade his gifts were obvious to most of his classmates, and he even developed a following of younger kids, what I call his groupies. So focusing on strengths and giving him a chance to shine, as others have posted, is very important.

But I also want to note that I honestly think my son is a naturally happy person. The world can beat him down, and has, but once that all is taken care of, there are no issues. Unlike many on the spectrum, my son shows no evidence of depression, of chemical imbalance. When you quote your son, however, it reminds me of my NT daughter, who I honestly believe DOES suffer from depression, chemical imbalance. Treating that is a whole other matter. I am NOT going to advocate drugs, I have no intention of getting them for my daughter, but I think that treatment for depression, like talk therapy, may be appropriate. I want you to seriously consider depression as a related, but separate issue, that may need to be dealt with in addition to everything else, and given special attention.

Seems that age 9 is sort of a watershed year since that's when everything came to a head for my son in public school, he was dx'd with AS and we decided to homeschool.

He is now 11 and self-awareness can be a blessing. I have had some heartbreaking and yet fruitful conversations with my son about life and how people are and why some things matter and some things don't. I can barely add to the great advice already given but by I try to convey to my son that "different" is a relative thing and that many of the qualities of Aspergers are really positive.

I have spent many sleepless nights or hours driving to work with tears in my eyes thinking "How will he ever get over this? how will he cope" and somehow the son rises the next morning and we start another day and try life all over again. You hug and support them through the tough times and celebrate with unabashed joy the good times. It's not eloquent or deep but it's true.

I have spent many sleepless nights or hours driving to work with tears in my eyes thinking "How will he ever get over this? how will he cope" and somehow the son rises the next morning and we start another day and try life all over again. You hug and support them through the tough times and celebrate with unabashed joy the good times. It's not eloquent or deep but it's true.[/quote]

That was a quote by Rachel46.

I've been there so many times myself over "D".
One thing never changes....keep hope, and keep trying to relate to him and show him the errors of his ways in a positive light. Never give up.... you are his lifeline.

Laura

I am a mother of an Aspie who was recently diagnosed at the age of 19. My son basically sought a long time for an explanation to why he was different and he eventually found it. I, however have always embraced his differences, not even realizing that there was any diagnoses for him. His differences were his identity and they were joy to me. All of my children are very different so I certainly did not identify him separately as more different than the others. Although kids his own age may treat him as an outcast, [as he may see things], all of my friends , sisters and relatives just adore him and many say that he is their absolute "favorite" of my children. He is so helpful in so many ways. He is so computer/electronically resourceful and mechanically inclined. But the real treasure is that he is so kind and willing to lend a hand to anyone! I Love him so much and I would be lost without him!

Godswonder, you're description of your wonderful son fits how I would describe my (12 year old) son. This is where Aspieness is really beautifully unique and cool. Couldn't live without our boys, could we?

Kris

Thank you all for your positive feedback.

It is very much appreciated.