Still blamed by my mother for my son having autism...or not.

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So, a week ago we go to a funeral...sure enough, I hear the elderly couple whose daughter passed away (distant cousin) saying, "you need to let your son be more free, not keep an eye on him all the time, be around people..." and of course, I know it all came from my mother...

Yes, her view is that my son does NOT have autism, that the reason he doesn't talk and has these "issues" is because I homeschool him and he is alone with me all day...

I am SOOOOO SICK AND TIRED OF IT! I barely speak to her anymore...mind you, we just moved about 4 months ago to be closer to her with her PROMISE to give my husband and I a break, take care of our son so we could go out every once in a while, since I homeschool, take him to therapies, etc...and where we lived we never had a sitter and were worn out...
Needless to say, she's done none of the above, as he does have allergies to milk/gluten, among other things...proved by not one, but TWO tests...done 4 years apart...and she still insists in giving him as much milk as he can possibly have when he is with her...She kept him TWO times in a period of 4 months (one for about 1 1/2 hours on my birthday so I could have a nice dinner with my husband and the second so I could go open up a bank account for 30 minutes)...since then, NOTHING...after the last 30 minute time, where she fed him a glass of milk and TWO cheese sandwiches, that's been it...Her view is she feeds him what SHE feels is ok (yes, I've shown her the test results) or she doesn't take care of him because she believes the ONLY reason he doesn't talk, etc...is because he is with me and I homeschool...

So here we are, my son was so excited to be close to his grandma (he's 7) and if he sees her once every 2-3 weeks, its a miracle...she lives about 3 miles away from my house...

So, how do I deal with this? Besides telling her off and not allowing her to have a relationship with my son, I have no idea what else to do...When we take him to see her (because he asks to see her), I am stressed to the max and end up with a very short temper, because I really want to just tell her to shove it and walk out, but I don't because of my son...

Right now we are thinking we will move away in about 18 months and just go back to where we were...at least there we had neighbors that were very considerate of his diet, were super great with him and weren't blaming me for his autism...

Please help...

ugh, I really feel for you. I am in the same situation with a few people I am close to.

why can't a grandma give there grandson stuff like a grilled cheese or milk?

dude grandma's love to give there lill grandson's things there mom won't let them have thats the whole point of being a grandma is trying to one up the mom.

anyway i dont see no harm in dairy products if he likes to eat them who are u to stop him, as long as hes not overweight or something i don't believe certain foods change moods if thats the case ppl would just drink water an eat fruit's and that would be pretty boring

Did you miss the part about him being allergic to milk?

And I know how that is... my own parents don't believe their eldest could possibly be less than perfect. Meh. I have surrogate parents.

If he's allergic to milk, of course there's a problem with eating milk or cheese. Just because he's not anaphylactic to milk (=> he would have to go to the emergency room) doesn't mean it's not dangerous to give him any.

Maybe you can have her talk to the allergist and he can explain how bad milk is to someone with allergy (i.e. potentially life threatening)

I know that many people whose kids have autism put them on a gluten/casein free diet...but we did NOT put him on this diet because of his autism...actually, the casein he is "sensitive" to based on the last allergy test we did on him just a couple of weeks ago. The milk he is ALLERGIC to, not just "sensitive" to it...this means you can see the immediate impact...ie. he ends up with runny nose, turns into asthma in about a day or so...So, yes, I understand grandma wants to give him garbage, but this is not related to that...and I have shown her the tests already...Again, even a test that we did at a major hospital 4 years ago before he was ever diagnosed...

By the way, grandma does NOT give juice, milk or garbage food to her grandaughter who is 2 1/2 yrs. old...my brother and his wife are all about organic, no sugar, etc...and grandma actually respects that...although she has NOT had any tests that show she is allergic to anything at all...sigh...

And you know, I have tried to compromise since I have talked to the doctors and some have told me that ONE cheese sandwhich is not going to send him to the ER, but the problem is she can't do that...she'll give him cheese crackers, with a two cheese sandwhiches, and a glass of milk in 30 minutes...

thats horrible! yes, move away.

Blame her.

Thanks for your replies. Sometimes I feel that I am being unreasonable, as she has always criticized just about everything I have ever done...although in my heart I don't feel I am being unreasonable.

We lived away from her for 4 years...she was so nice to us AFTER we left...and of course harrassed us constantly that if we moved she'd be there for us, blah, blah...and we sold our house, of course spent tons of money to move, my husband missed out on a 50K commission check (that was about 3 months away after our move), all so that we could be near her, since our son missed her (she was so nice when we visited or she came to visit)...and we felt that money should not stand in the way of being close so that our son had a grandma around...and of course it would also give us a break, as my husband worked full time, I worked full time from home, homeschooled my child and did all the running around with appointments, etc...I really hoped that she would truly help out and give us a much needed break after 4 years of so much...instead this is what we came to.

At this point, I am glad that I am not being unreasonable and there will NOT be any looking back when we move again. Of course, we won't have our old house, with awesome neighbors that helped us greatly and loved our son so much...but it'll be better than being here alone...Sadly, when we lived away we never felt alone...now that we live 3 miles away, we are basically on our own...

it's unfortunate that you're in this circumstance. once we had kids, i really thought my folks would want to be involve. would want to help....unfortunately not the case here. criticism & avoidance seem to be the name of the game. oh yeah, and favoring one grandchild over another. i finally put a stop to it all. i've cut ties with them & feel so much freer now than i ever have.

not saying that you have to be as drastic as i was. just letting you know you're not alone.

I can sooooo relate, sadly. My MIL is the same way, feeding my overweight son nothing but crap, taking him away from me at every opportunity, parenting him over my head, opposing me over every parenting decision. I finally cut her out of my life, but may very well end up divorced since my husband takes her side.

My grandma used to sneak me foods I was allergic to. My sister and I both had dairy allergies and she would alternate waking us up after we'd gone to bed to have a bowl of strawberry ice cream (also allergic to strawberries) and watch Knot's Landing with her. My sister and I each thought we were her favorite...for like 20 years after her passing. From a kid point of view, I don't remember the allergic reaction (my reaction is similar to your son's minus the asthma.) but I do remember the happy times with my grandma having a special treat I was never allowed to have...thinking I was her favorite and that she loved me soooo much.

But, my son is on the GFCF diet for his autism, and I would be upset if either of his grandparents gave him gluten or casein. I'd be pretty mad if it was an accident but super duper mad if they gave it to him on purpose.

I realize this makes me a hypocrite.

The only thing I can think is for you to take him over there with dairy-free foods (ones that are highly preferred by him so he'll be really happy and excited to eat them.) when she watches him.

I find that a lot of people think they know exactly what parents of ASD children should do to "bring their kid around" or whatever...kind of like when you're pregnant and everyone stops to give you baby advice. Anyway, I've learned to just be like "Thank you very much, we will take that into consideration" and then I privately vent to my friend whose son is also on the spectrum. And we're both like "What jerks!"

If he can't cut the apron strings and accept his responsibilities to you and your children like a grown up man... well, it's sad, but a lot of men are incapable, and if he can't understand that you're supposed to be married to him (and not his mother), and he's supposed to be married to you (and not his mother), divorce may be the only option to keep your sanity.

Some guys like that can change after a wake-up call like the threat of a divorce, being told absolutely explicitly, this is a deal-breaker for me... he needs to know that the ball is in his court. A lot of guys like that can blame their wife, their wife being unreasonable and demanding their undivided attention when they have split loyalties. He might not be able to comprehend that the power to make the marriage work lies with him, he's just got to want it enough. If he doesn't he should blame you, he should accept responsibility like a man... oh, but that's what's wrong with him in the first place, his inability to do that...

I've known a couple of guys who were strongly influenced by their relationships with their mothers, and not in a good way. Sometimes it's easier to admit defeat, and admit that he's never going to change and move on and find someone else who wants to be engaged in an adult-adult relationship (instead of adult-child-mother relationship). If there are three of you in your marriage...

I can understand why she does what she does, its easier to blame someone else than accept things just happen. However what she is doing is unacceptable and you need to sit down with her with your husband and lay tell her that there are boundaries, and she must follow them or else.

Or have her come over to your house to watch him, and not have any 'contraband' food in your house.

excellent idea misfit.

i would suggest some additional training at your house, on emergency procedures for allergy reactions might be in order