I'm confused

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I have a 14 year old son who has been through a bad time over the past couple of years. The problem we have is he resists any offers of things that would make stuff better for him, such as home schooling or using a lap top in lessons because he just wants to fit in with the other kids.

Liam doesn't have a formal dx as yet, because he confuses the medical people he sees, here in the UK they seem to stick very rigidly to the DSM and have little experience of people requiring diagnosis in their teens. The overriding opinion seems to be that he has AS, one paediatrician thinks he has ADD-I, my main concern is his perception and how he thinks he can just drift from day to day without any effort in anything, he never writes anything down, he never reads and doesn't appear to find anything interesting.

Liam had no problems from age 5 - 11 going to infant and junior school, he was a very happy laid back little boy, somewhat dreamy. Liam always lagged behind when we were walking anywhere kicking up leaves and taking in everything around him, after school he was happy to watch TV and play with his toys or have a friend around, went to bed and slept through without any fuss, no obsessions, no food fads infact he would ask to try stuff he hadn't ate before, he went on cub camps and school holidays.

Aged 11 he started high school and boy how he changed, the move from a small school of about 75 kids to a comprehensive with 900 was a step too far. First he complained of having no friends there and said he would spend his break times alone, but he carried on going without any fuss. Then he started to refuse to get up and complained of dreadful tiredness and if left could sleep 15 hours a day, he became very depressed and anxious. We had some awful times as he became angry and aggressive, he was prescribed anti depressants and spent a lot of time off school.

I could go on and on and end up writing a book about him, my main worries are that he doesn't seem to perceive the importance of his education and thinks that if he crams a few months before his final exams he will pass them with flying colours. He doesn't seem to find any subject in school interesting at all and would rather be home playing on his PC which he can hyperfocus on for hours if he was allowed.

Since starting back at school last week he has tried really hard to improve his attendance he is aiming to do half days but last week managed three full days. When I go to pick him up at lunch time he is surrounded by a dozen or more friends they are all laughing and joking with him and he has an old friend from junior school days who tells me that Liam is really popular in class. I have to say that he is happy with his own company and has said that he couldn't imagine ever wanting to marry because that would mean having to do what someone else wanted. So thats quite an Aspie thing isn't it? Sorry if this post has turned into a jumble but like I say I'm confused- and I don't know the best way of helping Liam, in a lot of ways he is like any other 14 year old boy and doesn't like talking to me his mum about anything! If I offer to help him with his homework he refuses it and can't even start anything he doesn't seem to have any organisational skills at all.

Do any parents know how to help a 14 year old?

OK, mine are not that old yet, but I remember being a teen, and I hear parents talking about it all the time.

You did say a few things that make it seem like AS might fit. I personally think it would be much easier for AS to fly under the radar and be happy in a small town where things are less confusing and sensory issues less likely to kick in, than in a more larger and more sensory confusing environment. So to notice it first after such a transition wouldn't surprise me.

And most AS are pretty confident about their own smarts, and uninterested in studying something just because someone else considers it important. So that all fits.

But what to do?

Hmmm ... On a very general level, I think most teens need to fall and pick themselves up, learn from their own experience. They rather insist on doing it that way.

OK, sorry, I have no idea because I don't teens yet.

BUT, there are teens who post here, and there are parents of teens who post here, and one grandfather who describes himself at your son's age as much like your son, so give it a little time and I am sure you get some useful input.

AND the general, "watch for the triggers, figure out the sensory issues, work to mitigate them" is going to apply.

EDUCATION REFORM General
1. Curiosity drives learning if it is allowed to do so and not shut down.
2. Curiosity is shut down via the current system, creating the ADD disorder sudden appearance on the charts. One half of ADD is a person who can’t pay attention. The other half is a boring culture, delivery of information modus
operandi.
3. Curiosity driven learning involves more brain area participation. If a person doesn’t really like their experience, the subconscious mind edits it and doesn’t learn from it. Using curiosity driven learning potentially accelerates the learning curve such that it would not be unreasonable for the society of the future to expect the equivalent of a multiple PhD education from High School.
4. The largest obstacle to curiosity driven learning is the current student to teacher ratio. Curiosity driven learning requires a personal curriculum to be developed per child, an enormous labor process for most teachers. The cure is to use peer tutoring, and older child tutoring in conjunction with professional testers. Teachers are being asked do two different jobs, Teaching and Testing. Testing is incredibly underutilized. How can you know what a child is ready to learn if you have not learned from them who they are and what they know already?
5. The second largest obstacle is a lazy educational system which must be corrected
and re-educated itself. The educational paradigm being taught for use is not the one which is being taught in reform education psychology and sociology classes.
6. The first battery of tests should be; IQ tests, aptitude tests, Sanity tests, Type of intelligence per intelligence tests, learning style tests, performance tests, peer skills tests, comprehensive topical subject tests, and in general, any test which can be used to effectively appraise an individual child for the purposes of creating for that child a personalized curriculum.
7. The topics of psychology, sociology, conversational logic, and ethics should be added to the current curriculum for all Middle School (ages 12 to 14 or grades 6 thru and High Schools
8. Personality differences including learning styles and Types of intelligence
Can mean that people learn in very different ways. Groups of students should be organized without regard so much to age as to learning style. A class full of visual
Learners from 3 age groups is better than a class full of kinesthetic learners and visual learners who find each other distracting and each others interactions with the teacher bizarre. Throw in some introverts and some extroverts and a speed-reader or two, and a teachers modus operandi cannot hope to reach well the different types of Students that s/he is teaching.
10. Our society is composed of a population which is by about 50 percent Anti-intellectual. (As part of a deep and long term attempt at denial of science facts)
The sheeple will crucify the nerds, that’s the end result of pack psychology and anti-intellectualist mob events. Both alleged “Sides” in the great orchestrated argument between left and right are delusional dogmatist simple minded over simplified versions of reality, oversimplified problem solving process, and thus oversimplified and therefore
Usually counterproductive pseudo solutions. Polarity does not contain sanity, both sides are polarized via each other, but the line that connects those two dots at no point in time Ever gets around to the big picture or the whole truth. Evolution and mother nature will on the other hand favor the nerds.

Education reform;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Educational_reform
http://www1.worldbank.org/education/glo ... ionreform/
http://www.education-reform.net/
http://dmoz.org/Society/Issues/Educatio ... on_Reform/

Curiousity driven Learning
http://www.csl.sony.fr/~py/developmentalRobotics.htm
http://www.idsia.ch/~juergen/interest.html
http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/Curiosity.asp
http://www.csun.edu/~vcpsy00h/students/explore.htm


Types of Intelligence;
http://www.macalester.edu/psychology/wh ... types.html
http://www.ldpride.net/learningstyles.MI.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_intelligences

Learning Styles;
http://www.ncsu.edu/felder-public/Learning_Styles.html
http://www.ncsu.edu/felder-public/ILSpage.html
http://www.chaminade.org/inspire/learnstl.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learning_styles
http://www.funderstanding.com/learning_styles.cfm

Student Teacher Ratio:
http://www.edspresso.com/?OVRAW=educati ... C=advanced
http://www.edreform.com/index.cfm?fuseA ... ctionID=97
http://www.dreamagic.com/jesse/isedurat.html

Anti Intellectualism;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-intellectualism
http://chronicle.com/free/v47/i15/15b00701.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Anti-Intellectual ... 0394703170
http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0121/p17s02-lehl.html
http://mtprof.msun.edu/Spr1997/TROUT-ST.html
http://www.wayofthemind.org/2006/07/26/ ... ectualism/
https://urresearch.rochester.edu/retrie ... ualism.pdf
http://www.boston.com/news/local/maine/ ... Boston.com

Hi there,

Your son sounds a lot like mine at the same age, except J never became depressed, has always been happy with himself and liked school despite his difficulties and occasional bullying. J's diagnosis of mild AS was late too - he was 16. Another similarity -on one occasion when I asked him why he wasn't playing with the other kids (at primary school) he said it was because he would have to play the games they wanted.

My son is 19 now and I can remember that lack of organisation at 13 or 14. Sometimes I had to push him so hard to get his homework done it became a real burden for me, let alone him. He couldn't revise for exams by himself as he lost focus, so again it came down to to me sitting beside him. If it's any comfort to you, he's now pretty organised and has spent a year away at college looking after himself. He hasn't found his niche in life yet but we live in hope....

With regard to Liam - it's not surprising he suffered with the transition to High School, it's a huge step for NT kids too. (J went from a school of 30 kids to a High School with 500+ but fortunately this happens at the age of 12/13 here in NZ, which was probably beneficial for him). There do sound to be many positives about school for Liam, so homeschooling may not be a good option for him at this time. I do think you're on the right track in easing him back and maybe as the term progresses his desire to be like the other kids and to be with them may strengthen and school will seem more worthwhile. I sometimes teach at a boys High School and it is quite common for boys, particularly in the Junior years, to see school as irrelevant, boring and a waste of time, so he really isn't alone there. Also, not wanting your input is a teenage boy thing and quite usual.

I wonder - is the problem with his self-image? Is he equating being different with being in some way deficient?
Does he have any ambitions for the future and if so would that give him an incentive to focus on some aspects of his schoolwork?
Is it possible, and do you think it would help him, to have a mentor of some sort? Would he be interested in joining any community youth organisations such as Scouts (was wonderful for my son)?

Sorry I have more questions than answers - sometimes pondering on the right questions can lead to a new view of things.
I think you're on the right track - Liam may just need time and a bit more maturity to deal with his difficulties.

Hi Emen,

Thank you your post has made me feel more positive. Liam is continuing to go in to school and this alone is unbelievable as last term it was impossible to get him out of bed each morning, he was claiming tiredness all the time, I realise that it was an avoidance tactic.

We will continue to take things one day at a time, he still won't attempt homework it seems to be impossible for him, he can't get organised or get his thoughts down on paper. He does struggle with writing and he could take a lap top into school but he refuses 'because none of the other kids have them'. I have offered to sit with him while he does his homework and for him to dictate stuff to me but he's not having any. Liam also refuses to go on any field trips with school, especially if they involve staying away overnight. Is this a problem that Aspie Kids have? When he was in junior school he went to cub camps and on school holidays but he won't now.

Liam has no self confidence and poor self esteem, he is overweight which doesn't help his confidence, and I think this is what stops him from joining clubs and things. Sometimes his need to eat doesn't seem to have anything to do with his appetite but its more a compulsion, if he is on his PC he will be in and out of the kitchen, raiding the cupboards. I try to make it better by slicing pineapples and melon etc and putting it in the fridge for him to pick at, but he will eat anything, if I have served up dinner and left stuff in a pan you know that he will go out after eating his dinner and finish off anything left lying around. I can't even leave my other sons dinner in the microwave as he will pick at it. Do other Aspies have problems like this?

He is so much happier in himself now that he is going into school each day, I do think he would benefit from having a mentor, his Dad is very much like Liam, he spends most days staying home, (he retired after working 38 years for one company) he too is happy with his own company and has very black and white views of things. Liam isn't close to his dad and doesn't gel with him at all. I have a daughter who is 29 and has been very successful in everything she has done, she is very driven and Liam loves spending time with her and she seems to be able to get him out and about much better than I can. But as she is a newly wed with a six month old baby she gets very little time to spend with him now.

One big question I have to ask is should we continue with Liam visiting the Youth Mental Health Services, he hates going and has refused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the Psychiatrist hasn't given a diagnosis as yet and on our next visit (which will be just me going) he wants to do a developmental history of Liam. Does psychiatric services help people who are Aspies, or should I just let him be who he is and sign off from the service?

I'm so glad you're feeling more hopeful and that Liam is happier about going to school and happier generally.

My experience as an Aspie parent is perhaps not typical since our son was diagnosed relatively late (after a diagnosis of Dyspraxia at 11) and has never had therapy or educational interventions of any kind. The only reason we wanted an official diagnosis was because we felt he needed some concessions when it came to exams.

So, I'm no expert but but for what it's worth....

Staying away overnight - my son always loved camps and would happily stay anywhere overnight, though some Aspie kids might find the disruption in routine difficult to cope with. What is very telling is that you say Liam had no problems in this respect when he was younger. Could it be that he's worried about having to share a dorm and showers for example, particularly since you say he's overweight and has low self-esteem? Adolescents can be very self-concious about their bodies and magnify the slightest flaw.

With regard to food - Liam's had a very hard time over the last couple of years and it sounds to me as if he's eating to comfort himself, or maybe it started that way and has become a habit. This may become less of a problem as he becomes happier in himself.

Mental Health Services - I've no personal experience in this regard but there may be other posters who can help you here. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help with poor self-confidence and low self-esteem, but if Liam's resistant to this kind of help to push it on him may do more harm than good. Perhaps you should be guided by whether you think it's helpful for Liam to be involved with this agency at this time and trust your instincts on this. We chose to let our son be who he is and though we've no idea if he would have been 'better' in some way with some kind of therapy, he is happy with himself.

You've still got the problem of the homework (though come to think of it, my younger NT son wouldn't do his homework either) and it may be that he just has to take the rap for not doing it. Is there anyone else among your family, friends or community who Liam respects and who would be willing to help him with this? A short stint of private tutoring may also help and can be well worth the money.

Liam is a teenager, at a very difficult and turbulent stage of life for anyone and some of the behaviours you describe are typical of many adolescents. He's been through a bad time from what you say, but it does sound as if he's making steady progress and that there's real reason for optimism.