Is it wrong to just say (yell) "I've had enough!"

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I'm a new parent to this group. Unfortunately, my 16 year old son is ADHD and very Aspergergery. I want permission to give up. I have always been a single parent of this lad, one younger sister. I have always had to work full time at a very demanding job to pay the bills. Alex was not a normal pregnancy, not a normal infant, toddler, elementary school child. He was Baker Acted at 8, has been in 10 different schools...and no, I did not move him around. Each of the prior 9 schools took as much as they could and they asked him to leave. By 6th grade, Alex was in a residential school for troubled youth. Two years later, I was called in the middle of the night to come get him, because he was never going to get "it." Still not sure what "it"is, but he certainly isn't going to get it. At the residential school, Alex was finally diagnosed with Aspergers. I read everything I could about Aspergers and yep, that's my boy. He is now in 11th grade in the public school (we ran out of private schools and I ran out of money). Alex has been discharged by all psychiatrists and psychologists, because he refuses to talk to them and when he does say something, its nasty. He called the last psychiatrist, Dr. Douche. Alex refuses to take any sort of meds and is totally out of control. At the age of 16, I can not force him to take meds and hiding it in his food, like I do the dog, just does not work. He does not do illegal drugs or drink alcohol, but his life is nothing more than spinning. As smart as he is, he is flunking out of school. He said he knows more than all of his teachers, so why should he listen to them. He thinks he is a computer expert, has held himself out to people as an expert, they let him work on their computers and he breaks them. No one knows more than he does. We are Jewish. He worships Hitler and runs around the house yelling Heil Hitler. We are tolerant. He hates Mexicans, Blacks, fat people, old people....he screams at the dog. He hates his sister. She will go to his high school next year and he is proud of the fact that, even prior to her getting there, he has ruined her reputation. He stays up all night or leaves the house and wanders. If he finds a building that is vacant and he can get in, he just goes in. I have explained trespassing, but it means nothing. He is convinced that he will not have to worry about grades because he will get a perfect SAT score and MIT will come looking for him. He refuses to get a minimum wage job because he is worth at least $50 an hour, he found a 14 year old druggie girlfriend with issues of her own and her mom lets him sleep over, so he is sexually active. Wal Mart sold him a beebee gun. He collects knives, sharp ones, and I have no idea where he gets them from. He stays up at night and drags food into his bedroom so it looks like a picnic area by morning. He doesn't come home from school until he feels like it and does stupid stuff. He and two just-as-lost girls bought as many cans of soda from Wal Mart as possible and drank them as fast as possible in the parking lot, just to get sick. He says rude things to people we see in a restaurant, or at the grocery store. He is always obnoxious and nasty and rude. I have tried every school, every doctor, every pill. I sent him to a special camp one summer in NC and almost went bankrupt. I sent him to Sylvan last summer for $6,500.00 to give him a better edge in high school, only to learn that he is skipping school and classes because he is already the smartest person he ever met. He is a survivalist, a mechanic, a welder, a scuba expert, he trains animals, is an astronaut, a computer expert, a mathematician, an inventor.....I want to quit. I just want to say, whatever happens now, happens now. I am tired. I am broke. I can not do this anymore. Soon, he will be 18 and I want him out of the house. I will pay for him to rent a room somewhere. I will help him when I can, because he is certainly unemployable. I can not get SSI for him, because he refuses to see a doctor. He insists he does not have Aspergers or ADHD and he is just a misunderstood genius. Please, someone give me permission to give up. Pleasel

tweeterluce - it's so often the case that the obvious people who need support have some form of support, and the people who care for them (in the emotional and physical sense) get none, even though they too need support.

my friend in a single mum, with three boys under 8 - one has AS, the second is autistic and the third is an unknown at the moment. sometimes, it's too much for her. but then who would be surprised - even a single, placid child is hard work.

whilst your son needs what he needs, you are a person too, and it's natural you've had enough at the moment. is there any way you can get some support for yourself? and this is not saying you should or shouldn't ask him to leave, or whatever - this is saying what you need right now. big decisions can be made once you get get some sense of equilibrium back for yourself.

you're having an impossible time, by the sounds of it. all i can suggest is that you start looking after yourself - you do have a responsibility for your son for the next couple of years, but you also have a responsibility to yourself and your other relationships.

hope this is helpful, hon. take care.

and welcome to WP - i'm sure there are other people willling to share experiences which will be helpful.

Vivi
(as Mod)

I second everything Vivi said.

I can't give you permission to quit but I do give you all the permission you want to come here and talk about it. Sometimes even just that helps.

BeeBee

That is tough to hear, Tweeterluce.

I might have one alternative you could try to either giving up or going mad. It's a book I've been reading lately called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. It's a best-seller, and pretty easy to find.

Your story brought it to mind, because she had similar experiences with her family, and she came up with a wonderful method to handle it and keep one's integrity and sanity. I have found it very helpful. So has my mother and several of her friends.

Just an idea. Let me know if you pick it up, though. "Inquiry", as she calls it, is a fun process to discuss!

Best wishes.

Your son sounds alot like mine. Although my child is not sexually active. Has your son been tested for Bipolar Disorder. My son has AS, ADHD, and Bipolar. In Tony Atwood's book (and I may be misquoting) that upto 30% of AS people have Bipolar.

Oops I submitted before I could ad that I too am a single mom. I have not been working for almost 2 years. I get SSI for my son and child support. I am looking to go back to work again because I can not stand being home all the time.

Hi,

I'm a new parent here too...and your definitely not alone. I know it can be overwhelming at times ( I know that's an understatement) Just want to give (((hugs))) out to you.
We were having our tough times too - my son is 17 and he put us through alot too. But with these forums and doctors we have come a long way, we still need more, but its something and I like to have hope.
School was a nightmare until I really got involved in his IEP and speaking to the teachers as an advocate for my son. The energy I used to getting mad at my son is used at the school instead. My son saw the difference and has made a change around at school because he knows I will back him up ( He knows not to be rude, disrespective with teachers/staff). Homework was a big issue and I found the article that Dr. Attwood wrote stating he didn't believe in homework if the child was doing fine academically. As I said I tried to advocate for him and it gave him a peace. He suffered greatly with depression (self-esteem), anxiety, and mood disorders. Meds did help at a time, he too refused to take them and I didn't fight him now, and what happened was he couldn't deal with the meltdowns and wanted meds back and realized he needed them.
Their is always something new that will set him off but I do try now to find the root and work from there. He talks to me about what bothers him on a daily basis (with me nudging of course) I don't want him bottling it up and then having an explosion.
He worked in the summer (work/study program) and he loved it and can't wait til summer to do it again which helps him to focus on school (because if they don't do well they can't do the work/study program).
Since he's 17 I let him be in on any meeting we must go to (doctors, IEP's, etc.). He becomes accountable, too. He doesn't like going to doctors because he feels its a waste of time so I make him call the doctor to tell him and doc always convinces him to go. So no more battles with him on that. IEP's the same thing, he asks for what he thinks he needs, and feels that the school is listening to his needs, etc... He's has grown and I know your son will grow too.
Our children are usually behind in maturity but when they catch up you'll see it will make a difference.
My hugs go out to you. I take long long long showers/baths to regroup and start all over again. You need time for yourself, even if its a little time.
Just remember your not alone, there alot of people in this forum that will give you advice or just a shoulder to rest on. [/quote]

What about getting a court ordered intervention? Have him treated at a mental health facility that can handle him? Like maybe a State hospital?

lord knows i have felt like giving up at times....i'm sure that many of the parents on this board have felt the same as well.....the only way i got through the very tough times our family went through last year ( because of my aspie son), was by seeking the support of my coworkers....of course therapy and anti-depressants helped also .....i know how hard it is to focus on yourself when you see everything in the world spinnning out of control. to me it seemed so selfish. i've finally realized that the only way i can help my son or the rest of my family is by helping myself first. i learned many new coping mechanisms for dealing with the rage attacks and the "superior attitude". i wish that i could say that things got better fast, but i can't ....some days are still difficult....the important part for me is that i can handle those difficult days so much better now that i am taking care of myself.

Well, if it's permission you want, you have mine, in spite of the fact that everyone in the group is going to yell at me.

You are a human being. You have done what you can. It is not that you don't love him, but you have a limit to your own sanity.

Problem is now, what are you going to do when you "give up?"

You're not going to throw him out until he's 18, you can't medicate the kid, because he won't take it, but you can ask the state to intervene (in most states). I'm not being cold. You are not withdrawing your love, you're witdrawing your support for his current lifestyle.

You are not denying that he has disabilities. You are saying "I am a human being too, and I can no longer live my life in the shadow of your problems, given that you refuse all help."

That's a really tough one, but that's what it comes down to.

Good luck.
RES

I appreciate all the input. I have tried, over the years, to be very involved with every school Alex attended. I think I hoped that if they saw he had a concerned mom, they might let him hang around longer. Unfortunately, it got to the point where, when I came to pick the boy up, inevitably, some teacher or parent would come up to me and demand, "Are you Alex's mother?" I knew from experience, this was not a good question, so I learned to say, "No, she is..." and point at some other unlucky lady. I would then grab Alex's hand and run. This was usually the beginning of the end for us. Even when Alex was Baker Acted, at the young age of 8 (and oh, how hard it was to drive away from that facility without my baby...knowing that he had talked himself right into the institution by insisting he was a government agent from Area 51 and then throwing himself down on the floor to do pushups so he could show the hospital staff how government agents stay in fighting shape). Anyway, the nurse at the hospital, had the nerve to come up to me one night, during the limited visiting hours, and complain TO ME about Alex's behavior. Excuse me, but if I could control Alex in any way, he would have been able to channel that creativity and intelligence and be a contributing member of our family and society. Unfortunately, I have seen what my life has lost, because I was the only one who refused to leave Alex. His real dad has not seen him since he was 9 months old and when Alex was about 8 and dropped him a letter and a picture of himself, the jerk had the nerve to have an attorney contact me to tell me to quit harassing him. I then married a man who tried to change Alex. When he slapped him to the ground for putting his hand in a water bucket and tied the child to a potty chair at the age of 12 months because "a kid that smart should potty train very early," I left him, even though I was pregnant with Alex's younger sister. I then went through my second pregnancy, alone, with only Alex for company. I hated the week ends, when I was home from work with Alex. I was ill during my pregnancy and would lie on the couch with my face turned into the back of the couch, because Alex would stand there and throw toys at me. My mother was the only relative in town and she refused to ever take him for me because he was so difficult to be around. Even when my daughter was born, she would only take the little girl. No one would take Alex. Even though I offered to pay babysitters very well, they would only sit for me one time. Hairdressers would only cut his hair one time. No one would voluntarily spend any time with this boy, except me. I got married one more time, but this man loved my daughter and totally hated my son. One day, he told Alex not to touch anything on his desk. Sure.... when Alex touched something (he was about 5) the man grabbed Alex by the throat and lifted him off his feet, I screamed and grabbed Alex, the man picked up his desk chair and threw it across our living room and then he ran out the front door leaving the door wide open behind him. Needless to say, we never lived with that man again. Since then, I have resisted all relationships, because once they meet Alex, they recoil in disbelief. I try and explain my son is "special needs," he has a disability. I always wished Alex had a visible disability, like maybe he could drag his leg or something. Then the people I meet might have a little sympathy for the child. Instead, I have neighbors at my door complaining that Alex spoke rudely to their child, or teachers calling me to tell me Alex threw a pen in class and got ink on a child's leather jacket and I have to pay for it, or the man down the street telling me Alex rode his bike through his lawn sprinkler pipes and broke them and here is the plumber's bill. I went to a psychiatrist for myself once, because I suffer from extreme bouts of anxiety. He prescribed Zoloft. I read about the drug and it sounded like just what I needed. However, it made me ill and I felt like someone had tied a rag around the top of my head, so I stopped the drug. I guess if I really thought it would help, I would go find a psychologist to talk to, but nothing is going to change the fact that I am chained to Alex. The holidays are here. If we go to my sister's house, she locks bedroom doors to stop Alex from using her computer, if we go to my mother's house, she screams at him constantly, my brother simply refuses to let Alex visit because, "he is just like an obnoxious little man." For your information, I have given up. I have given up totally. I am not going to go back to this school for any more conferences. I am not going to bug Alex about grades or homework. I am not going to search for him at night or try and convince him to even come home at night. If and when he gets kicked out of school, I will try and get him to do his GED. If he can ever get a job, which I doubt, I will try and help him out enough so that he can live somewhere else. We will never get SSI unless something happens and he either gets arrested or Baker Acted again. He will never admit he is ill. I read some of the posts from the other AS kids on this site. At least they understand they are different. What do you do with a kid who insists there is nothing wrong with him, it is everyone else, he is just a misunderstood genius. I always say I shoulda raised dogs instead of children and that is what I will do in my next life. I am scared. What if I forget all this next time around and I go ahead and have children again? I do not want to live a long life. I am looking forward to being alone someday and just being able to sleep and putter around in my garden. I am tired of this and it just won't stop. Thanks for letting me know that there really are some people out there who understand. My girlfriend, who had a physically ill child, always said angrily to me, "At least he doesn't have anything that will kill him." To which my only replay was, "True, unless you count his mother...." Thanks for letting me rant. No one else does and I am tired of smiling and saying, "great!" when people ask how my kids are.

Wow my heart goes out to you. The two of you have gone through so much. Its good that you found WP and you can let out all that emotion because everyone needs too. I wish I had the perfect advice or the perfect words to make things okay but I don't sorry. Maybe someone here does. I can give you a big (((hug))) and tell you your not alone.

Tweeterluce:
I have another thought, not a pleasent one, but a thought. You might not be dealing with Asperger's or any of the other "spectrum" disorders. I am neither a doctor or an expert, but Alex sounds truely delusional.

Maybe he really believed he was an agent from area 51. Maybe there is truely a disconnect, a break with reality. Aspie kids (my own included) can be really obnoxious, but reality breaks are another animal entirely. As far as I know, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, Autism disorders do not suffer dissociative episodes....which is what this is beginning to sound like.

I wish I could tell you of a good psychiatrist, but the ones I know don't see children. You are exhausted, it is not your fault, and you need someone with experience with dissociative disorders.

Keep talking, here, but I'd advise you to copy your posts and put them in a binder, because you're filling in a history here. No matter how it goes, WP is a good place to be. I have often felt, when told "at least he doesn't have anything that's going to kill him," that I might just. Then I calm down, but I know the feeling. And by the way, you haven't really given up. You've just finally acknowledged reality.

I agree that he sounds bipolar....

I agree with the try the state hospital for a bipolar eval (another baker act will do it)
and yes he could actually believe what he says, there are a bunch of psych disorders that contain delusions of grandeur.

and if neither of those is correct, Right now an intervention might work, but only if it works, if that sounds right.

There comes a point where a person has to be responsible for their own life, even us AS'ers. I suggest, that at age 18 your son becomes responsible for his actions. Which means out of the house, you not paying his bills, he either works minimum wage or doesn't eat, doesn't have a roof over his head. Even if it is only for six months or one year.

I can gaurantee you, no matter what his SAT scores will be, MIT won't take someone without at least a GED. Then he still has to go to class.
heck part of his intervention could be having to sit through a college course for one night(find the strictest teacher you can, one that doesn't allow talking and stuff)

Just a note to those responding, this thread is over 2 years old and the person hasn't been back since. The kid's already 18 (maybe 19).