My GF's son has Aspergers: Advice needed

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Let me tell you about myself and my gf and her situation first as some of this info. may help your responses. I am a single father (married 8 years/divorced)of one healthy, 2 year old boy (Wyatt). I am self employed (Fall/Winter are my downtime). My GF is the love of my life. She has 2 children Britney (16) and James (10). She is also self employed, but is equally busy all year round. James is the child diagnosed with AS (from a very early age). He has never really had a stable father figure as his biological dad just isn't either interested or capable of being there for him in the traditional sense that a father should be (teacher, disciplinarian). James' obsessions are music (mainly top 40) and playstation. He will also write down every title and artist in his notebooks. He goes through approximately 2, 180 page notebooks a week. Most of the time these obsessions get in the way of school, eating, going to the bathroom, etc. He, obvously, is socially akward. He doesn't understand sarcasm/joking. Everything is black and white. He's deathly afraid of bugs (spider spotted on the carpet this morning sent him into a terrifying episode where he started screaming and jumped up on the nearest chair). His strengths are spelling and reading (but not for comprehension, which I understand is very common with Aspie's). His ticks have progressed from rocking back and forth at an early age, to biting his lip, and most recently he's now swinging his arms wildly while pacing the house. At 10 years old, he's just started playing and pretending at th esame time (i.e., pretending to be a certain baseball player while tossing the ball around the house, making car noises when playing with cars.) The car noise thing is something my 2 year old son does right now. Ok...on to my questions. These are in reference to how I should care for, discipline, teach, etc. as his mother is often not home til after 6 pm and is often exhausted from her days work.

1. Is it a good idea to keep all of his activities when he arrives home from school regemented? Eat this certain time. Play at this certain time. Homework at this certain time. This is what I've established over the last 2 months.

2. Is it ok to be somewhat of a hardass when it comes to making him clean up after himself? His plate, his room, grooming, etc. Since his father never really cared to be involved and his mother was so overwhelmed with the other child, her ex husband, cleaning, cooking, homework, ex mother in law who lived with them, etc think she just tended to do every little thing for him thus slowing down the learning process and hindering his development of standard responsibilities that a lot of us just have on auto-pilot (when you make a mess - clean it up). (When you're finished eating - clear your space).

3. Homework. This is a chore. He likes to stall. Mysterious hungers, sudden bathroom requests, anything and everyhting seem to pop up around homework time.....anything to delay the time he actually has to use his brain for other than tinking about musicor video games. Of course I see right through all of this and tend to take the stance of "I know you're not hungry...sit down and get it done." This leads to whining fits often. Advice?

4. Bed time. Again, any excuse to delay his bedtime comes out of the woodwork. I tend to take the "hardass stance" here too. "Don't care...you're not hungry AGAIN. Go to bed!" Advice?

I'm also working with him on zippers, buttons, laces, grooming. SLOW process.

It is overwhelming at times. I now know what patience is. Thank god for DVR's or I'd never get to see a tv show from start to finish.

Any and al advice is much appreciated. Thank you.

Steve

Ten is the most difficult age for aspies.
In answer to your questions;

1. His interests appear self-regemented, so typically introducing your own pattern on top of that leads to conflicting patterns. My suggestion would be to just steadily introduce a change in his own patterns with him.

2. Many young aspies of that age are essentially big five year olds in that respect. Only a little more stubborn. I'm afraid you'll have your work cut out for you there, at least until he's older! Nothing you can do you wouldn't with any other child.

3 & 4. Nothing really much different to other kids, really, but some young aspies feel they must argue simply because it's started. On another note, many aspie kids find homework purposeless, and a frustrating incursion upon their limited freedoms from a school environment.

Most of that he probably will just grow out of - as for laces, grooming - many people who are aspergers have limited dexterity and coordination. Even as a grown man, laces take me a few moments, the motions required are too fine.

This will sound harsh, but I'm a single parent and my son is close in age to your GF's son. No, it's not your job to be the "hardass". From what you said about him, it seems like you don't understand AS and you think a little bit more discipline should fix the problem. His overwhelmed mother and his absent father does not equal that he needs you as a disciplinarian.

I don't think it's the place of a boyfriend to assume a parental role. It sounds like you love her a great deal, but would rather not deal with this kid's issues and you're trying to find a way to change him so that he is tolerable for you.

His homework problems, the way he plays, his stims, the bed time thing....it's all familiar to me. I can see how a person would want all of that to be different, but it's not. That's the reality of raising a child with ASD.

I understand your line of thinking, but I disagree wholeheartedly. I do respect it, though.

I'm not selfish. Everything I have done with him I do out of love and his best interests. I'm raising him as my own. The process is just "tweaked" a tad for obvious reasons.

Example of being a hardass from last night. His room was a mess and he had to read his book for school in 30 minutes....he wanted to play a video game. I told him he couldn't play his game until his room was clean and the more time he wasted whining about cleaning his room the less time he had for his game. Guess what? He cleaned his room. I told him if he just put things back when he was done with them that he would never have to worry about missing out on play time. I told him this would be something we do every night. Will it work? Maybe. I think it's better than doing nothing at all and just cleaning up his messes for him. One day he'll be a man on his own. I think instilling these kinds of disciplines/routines is important and can also help him later on in other aspects of life.

So far all that I've read means that you are a caring and concerned step-dad. I commend you.

Remember that during homework (for example) he's fighting himself to do it. My son has ADD & AS. We go through the very same thing. There are multiple excuses, and fits and whatnot.

Don't forget that you can reason with him. He may not be able to stop the melt-downs that occur, but he may better understand the need to try and control them.

It's not so much about discipline, as it is behavioural adaptations that need to be achieved. It sounds like alot of his behaviour has gone unchecked and made allowances for. In order for him to succeed in this world of ours, he has to learn how to behave acceptably.

My son is on Strattera and it helps with his ADD and his anxiety. AS people suffer from large amounts of anxiety due to us not relating to the world properly. The cause and effect don't seem to make sense to us, and consequently the world may seem random and since we can't understand the rules, we get anxious.

I myself have AS, so I can relate to my son. However, that doesn't mean that you can't understand what is going on with your step-son.

Repetition, and regular schedules are key. If they know what to expect, it makes it easier to handle and deal with. I agree with your plan of scheduling.

As for bedtimes, give him some simple rules. You have half an hour to read, relax, and then it's lights out. No exceptions will be tolerated. Stick to your guns. You need peace at night, too, and he needs sleep.

Zippers, tying of shoes and whatnot is simply a repetition. Keep trying, explain in ways that he'll understand and keep at it!

He'll rebel against the rules and the scheduling at first, but it will help in the long run. As long as he has time to focus on his special interests, you are not hurting him in any way.

Please be patient. AS kids need patience and understanding. Ovewhelming him will just cause melt-downs and further frustrations on both parts. Read as much as you can about AS and keep caring as much as you do...

Quick addendum:

Stims can't be controlled. Playing with noises and whatnot is just what he does. He's not hurting anyone, and these too in time shall pass (although stimming will remain, in different forms at times.)

wwwyoutubecom/watch?v=bgEAhMEgGOQ (you need to add in the dots as I do not have 5 posts yet)

This is very informative. What the speaker talks about starting around the 14th minute really backs up my stance. Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

I don't have time to watch the video now, but I will try to give a few notes on the questions, above. Overall, I would say DevonB had some really good advice and information for you, so start there.

1. AS kids do thrive on structure, but it is also important that they have some say in the structure, and that you adapt when sensory overload issues get in the way. Make sure it is a schedule that makes sense to him, and that he has signed off on. Build in some padding for unanticipated melt-downs.

2. Pick your battles. No child can process too many expectations at once, and this is more true for AS than anyone. Be sure that whatever skills you decide to work on, that you are ready to be consistent in expecting it, and will be consistent and very clear in your instructions. AS are very literal. "Did you wash your hands?" could mean last week, and needs to be amended to "did you wash your hands after using the toilet just now?" Many AS have issues with executive function, and can be easily overwhelmed by what seem to us to be simple routine tasks. So, pick your battles. Some things he will grow into (my son now keeps his room well organized, his own unique way, because he decided he like it better that way), other skills you may need to think really hard about as to their importance. If you see that your attempts to enforce a skill are causing increases in either meltdowns or shutdowns, ease off. Those are signs you are asking more than he can handle.

3. Homework can be overwhelming for AS. And some find it pointless. It's difficult to figure out how to teach in this area; so much of the improvement my son has made has come from within, a determination that he choose to take on. AS need to see the connection between homework and a goal, but also can have problems stemming from the executive function issue. For the former, keep talking, explaining, appealing to his logic. For the later, try breaking the homework down into sections and coming up with other fun games, etc. With an AS child, you will be, as a teacher I know phrases it, "in the homework business." You may well have to sit down with him and help him through. We had to do that for years, and there are still days my son needs that. At some point you do stop explaining, adapting, and just say, "enough." But if you can establish a routine that address all the common excuses up front, it will help. Our homework routine used to include carrots to munch on, a nice set of sharpened pencils and good erasers, complete quiet, and me sitting right there offering assistance when needed and rewards each time a set goal was reached (my son had a blast randomly picking two spelling words and having me act them out - creative stuff like that).

4. All kids delay at bedtime, but having a routine that pro-actively addresses all the excuses will help a lot. We offer a last call for food 1/2 hour before bed, and my son goes to sleep with a GIANT sports bottle full of water next to his bed (which he actually usually drinks, and no we don't have tons of accidents). We make sure the homework routine allows enough time that it won't push up against bedtime (although exceptions still happen, sigh), and I spend some nice quality time with him each night. Allow the child to tell you what's important to him as part of that routine, and incorporate it. Note that many AS have terrible issues trying to fall asleep, so you may need to make extra allowances or come up with special things to help with that. It took a few years but my son has developed his own routine for falling asleep (it takes him about an hour, always has) and he does well as long as we honor it. One thing I can't do is turn on the TV after he goes to bed; that will distract him. TV is way overrated anyway.

5. Grooming is a slow process. For much of it, AS have trouble understanding why anyone cares. Pick your battles, focus on THE most important aspects, and let the rest be.

As for the video, yes I agree with Temple Grandin on quite a few things that parents do not teach their children today (that goes for NT children as well as children on the spectrum). As to my answers to you questions, see below:

1) An exact schedule will be very helpful. If should be put someplace where your son can see it. I would also suggest putting up the schedules of all the other household members so that this child can see where he fits in. The only other suggestion I would make is that homework does not come in on the schedule until after dinner. I put this in because the child is actually taking up 2 sets of courses while at school, the academic courses and learning social skills (which is a cirriculum in and of itself and for people on the spectrum, is learned the same way you would have learned Math and History). This will allow for the child to calm down.

2) For doing chores/clean up/grooming/etc. I would suggest making a chart (again visible) with all of the expectation you have for this child (you could almost do this for your 2 year old too). You can put a point value for each item done and use something that represents these points (such as poker chips). Then you will have a rewards cost list where the child can turn in the poker chips for certain rewards (such as staying up an extra 30 minutes, extra time on video games, money for notebooks, etc.). At first, make the points easy to get as you want to slowly integrate the child. As he picks up on the skills, make the points a little harder (but not so hard to get as it brings on frustration). I think this will help a lot because you are rewarding good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior.

3) Get a kitchen timer (digital would be better). Set it to the allotted homework time (for a child this age I would say between 40 minutes and 1 hour). You control the timer at first (although have it someplace where the child can look at it but you can watch the controls). Every time he goes to do something else, stop the timer. The child is done when the timer reaches 0. You can also use the chart system above in conjunction with the timer. This should help. I would also monitor the homework situation to see if either the child has already mastered the concepts (In which point, he has a valid point in not doing more), or if the child is extremely frustrated at the concept and needs more instruction. Work this out with the teacher. If the child puts in an honest effort but does not complete the homework, simply send a note to the teacher stating such.

4) First, you need to understand that the internal clocks of those on the spectrum are not set to the same schedule as those of NTs. He may not be truly tired. I would suggest first allowing him 30 minutes to settle down before absolute lights out. This may convince his brain that it is shut down time. You can also use this on the chart (go easy at first) and as a reward (so many points gets him an extra 30 minutes/1 hour of awake time).

For the skills your are teaching him, I would break down grooming into its many parts and work on one skill at a time rather than the whole thing at once. Same goes for the other 3 (Zipper, Buttons, and Laces). Once one skill is mastered you can move to the next one. I would also recommend doing laces last as that skill is not necessarily needed in life and is the hardest of all of them to master for someone on the spectrum. Incorporate skill mastery in the chart mentioned above.

Finally, for the stimming and noises, I still do quite a bit of that today (and I am 34). If done in the privacy of his own room or house with no visitors, then I see no issue with it and you should not too. In fact, it would be a good idea that after school, he is given time to do that. Same goes with the interests.

I would agree that this will be a slow process, however if you pick your battles and reward the good stuff rather than punish the bad, I think you and James will come out of this for the better.

Interesting point, but I will share that we discovered my son does best getting his homework done first. He used to insist on time for himself first, but would get really stressed by the pressure he felt in the evening, having only so much time to get it all done. He brought the issue to a group therapy session he went to, and in the process he decided he should just do it right away, while his was still in school mode, so that he would later have the reward of a free evening, nothing hanging over him, to pace and stim and live inside his own head. This has really worked for him.

I think the key is that the child needs to be part of the timing decision. Understand the pro's and con's of different timing approaches, and pick one. Then know it is their choice to decide if that isn't working and needs to be changed. Not daily, but permanently.

If you haven't already, reading Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome would be a really good idea. It's an invaluable resource.

And regarding the bedtime issue, many people with AS have a hard time getting to sleep. Does he drag his feet over bedtime because he just doesn't want to go to bed, like any other kid or is he having some sleep issues? We recently had to give our 8 year old son a later bedtime and permission to read until he was tired, instead of "light's out", because he was going up to his room and laying there for hours unable to get to sleep. For him, reading helps to "turn off his brain" (works for me too). Your GF's son may need some extra help relaxing at night (soothing routine, reading, bath, music, yoga...whatever works for him) and some leeway as far as bedtime if he struggles with insomnia.

BTW it sounds like you are a very concerned and responsible caregiver. It's really nice to hear.

1.Schedule....the only issue i can see with keeping a regimented schedule,is that sometimes things happen. sometimes your schedule might have to change. flexibility in changing a set schedule is typically a HUGE problem for aspies.
2. Life skills..........he absolutely needs to be taught life skills ! Hooray for you for taking this on ! Just remember to be patient, it takes my son extra time to learn new skills & be able to repeat the skill at a different time ( ie; tying his shoes took YEARS. we , in fact, were thrilled that he liked shoes with velcro. He struggled with laces so much- still does, actually & he's 16) .
3. Homework....I would not reccomend that he does his homework as soon as he gets home. The social nature of school means that our aspies need some downtime to relax. downtime to help get themselves together again. I would reccomend that you talk to him about the homework issue- let him know that his input is important & that you need to work together to find a solution that works for both of you. I would also suggest that you let him have scheduled homework breaks- after all, everyone who works is allowed at least one 15 minute break. Perhaps he could choose what short activity he could do on his homework break. Again, you'll probably have to give him some ideas of what short activities he can choose from. I don't suggest that he be allowed to play computer, or video games on his 15 minute break- too engrossing, & then trying to get him back on task is a nightmare ! I'd also suggest using a kitchen timer. They are wonderful implements ! Timers can be used to signal the end of a work period, or the end of a break period. He could use it to time himself & see how long it takes to do his homework- & then try to beat his time ! .........the other benefit to a timer is that it takes the focus off of you- you're not the one telling him to get back to work, the timer is !
4. Bedtime.........ugh......sleeping has consistently been an issue in our house. we've tried yoga, meds, eliminating caffeine, additional exercise.........didn't work............Because I know he'll eventually fall asleep, I've allowed my son to bring books to bed with him. My stipulation is that he must remain in bed & his lights must be dimmed.

Thank you all for your wonderful insight. I'm obviously a rookie at this, but feel I've made more progress with him in a few months than his real father ever even cared to. When they give you a hug every time they see you it makes all the tough times seem pretty inconsequential.

His bedtime issues obviously aren't as bad ad I thought they were. He usually only takes 30 minutes or so to fall asleep. I think maybe having him read for 30 minutes right before lights out is helping that situation.

The kitchen timer is a great idea. I think I'll just use the timer on the microwave and see how that works for now.

The poker chip suggestion is also very clever.

Thanks again.

Steve

Yes, it does.

The only issue I see with that is that the timer itself may need to be visual and as such seen. Unless he does his homework in a spot where he can see the microwave timer, that may not work.

I do not think kitchen timers are all that expensive. I will look at Wal-Mart this weekend when I go shopping. I have been thinking about getting one for myself anyways.

4. Bed time. Again, any excuse to delay his bedtime comes out of the woodwork. I tend to take the "hardass stance" here too. "Don't care...you're not hungry AGAIN. Go to bed!" Advice?

This one kind of jumps out at me. It's not really a good idea to tell any child that you don't care. I'm assuming you said that after the 80th or so excuse, but with AS children especially, they will take what you said literally-that you don't care about him or his needs. Just as he can't understand sarcasm, he may not be able to differentiate between something said in frustration and something said seriously. Being consistent is one thing, being harsh is another. That being said, I do understand and sympathize with the frustration.

Reason (and taking a breath before answering) helps. I usually tell my son he just ate x minutes ago, so he shouldn't be hungry. And I ask if he is really hungry or if he's just not ready for bed. If it was over an hour ago I will offer a few crackers or fruit that he has x number of minutes to eat. You could also put a snack- and water or his other delaying tactics- into his routine. I also warn him when it's almost time for bed, starting a half hour before so he knows what's coming (1/2 hour, 15 min, 5 min, 2 min).

It definitely does take patience and repetition. You've seen that some things don't occur to him. You can keep reminding him to get the habits in place- don't forget to pick up your plate. Or you can make a chart and give him an incentive for following it. You may need several charts posted around the house, one for a bedtime routine, one for eating, one for chores etc. And praise is always a good thing. He can also work for rewards such as an extra 30 min. of game time for following the charts all week or so.

These things can also be used for homework time. Remind him in advance it's almost time, let him have a glass of water while he's working. I'm not sure when he does homework, but if you're sure he shouldn't be hungry just remind him that he just ate or will eat soon and it's homework time.