Sister probably has AS, but Parents won't Diagnose-- Help?

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Hi. I hope I'm in the right place.

My name's Eve, and I'm about 99.9% sure my little sister has AS. She's five, has been kicked out of pre-school, and now I'm really afraid she'll get the same treatment from kindergarten. She's gone after other kids with scissors, bit the teacher, and will just get into these whirlwind rages that no one in the family can get her out of. I don't know what to do-- I love my sister, and when she's not in a mood she's the most talkative, intelligent creature on the planet. The potential that she might have AS isn't my big concern-- I've been doing research and visiting sites like yours and am more than convinced that this is hardly something she can't handle. I'm just not sure how I can help. I'm away at college, and while I can visit my mom and dad once a month or so, it's not like I'm really a staple in their lives. Plus, my father has a way of blowing up at any administrative figures or therapists or friends who even insinuate something's wrong with her. I can understand wanting to defend the family (he does the same when people talk about me or mom), but it's becoming incredibly detrimental. He just won't accept help. I think he's more likely to with the latest week of problems (again, she just started kindergarten, and is definitely not taking it well), but... ugh. I just don't like feeling like there's nothing I can do.

Sorry if this sounded like a therapy session, but I'm getting worried she'll never have friends, never go to school. I want to help but am not sure what to do or how to do it, especially when I feel like I can't even make my dad do anything or talk to my mom at all. I would appreciate any advice at all, even if it's telling me to get over it. Pursuing the forums on this site alone has been extremely helpful, but direct advice would make me feel super-special.

You could try talking to your mom about it first. If she is more reasonable, then you should have better luck explaining your suspicions to her. Then if she agrees you could both talk to your dad about it.

There's a fairly good chance that the school will suggest that she be tested after the trouble that she's been having in kindergarten. It was because of trouble in preschool that my son was tested -- but then again, I recognized that my son had issues, and needed testing.

Ask your Mom if the school has hinted or asked about having your sister tested for any kind of problems that show up at school. That might be your best avenue to start helping your little sister out. She's lucky to have you.

Remember that there is anything "wrong" with her if she has AS. It's just a different way of being, and one that needs to be understood if she is to be successful at school and in life. AS comes with burdens but also great gifts, and if you focus on the gifts, you realize it can be a pretty cool condition to have. Perhaps that perspective is one you can sell to your dad, which will make it all go down easier. AS is an explanation, a set of keys to helping a child, not a disease.

Far better to know your child is AS than to believe she is a "bad" kid full of behavior problems, and that you are a "bad" parent or your child wouldn't HAVE those behavior problems.

It wasn't until kindergarten that I started to accept that there was anything different about my child. Even still, it took about 2 more years for me to really accept it. I didn't want to hear it from the school and IEP meetings were very ugly. I can see where your dad is coming from on that point. No one was really suggesting anything postive for my son either, so I disliked the school people all the more. I don't know how it is for your sister, but the schools take a hard stance on behavior issues and their first step is often, discipline, suspension, trips to principal's office...and not anything theraputic. That's probably what gets your dad's blood boiling. School people also make dire predictions. At my son's first IEP meeting, his kindergaren teacher said that my son might grow up to be a psychotic murderer and they lost me after that . (what my son did was throw books off the table and jabbed the teacher with the eraser end of a pencil).

But......these kids have a way of getting their needs met. I would probably cut your dad a little slack. He's most likely defensive out of love. These behaviors actually get better with age.

Welcome to WP!

One other thing for you, enjoy college. You should not stress over this.

Is there any chance your dad is AS too? - just from reading his reactions, it could be a possibility. I'm not saying it is - just asking the question.

From what you describe, your sister definitely has a problem. It is either behavioural (in which case she should be teachable if she gets the right discipline) or it is neurological (eg. possibly AS, and in which case she probably needs a diagnosis and supports put in place to assist with this). What I am meaning is that your parents have a reponsibility to do the best they can to determine which it is, and which course of action to take. It is not really an option to ignore it.

I agree with the other suggestions on here of how you could approach your parents, but at the same time I hope that you will not burden yourself with the responsibility of the situation. My advice would be to do everything you can to help, but let go of the feeling that you HAVE to do something because others won't. You need to enjoy your college years, and not let this wreck your freedom and enjoyment.

Don't know if any of that helps, but I wish you all the best.

There are a number of reasons why a small child might have this kind of behaviour - AS is not the only reason a child might behave like this. It is important that she goes to see a Paediatrician and has an assessment to look at some possibilities. Do not assume it is AS.. but definitely her behaviour indicates that something is not right. As for your Dad.. denial of a problem is the first stage of grief.. he will get there eventually .. but as someone else suggested perhaps talk to your mother about your concerns and maybe suggest she takes her to the paeditrcian on some other premise initially, just to get her in there. Your Dad may need to hear it from someone other than a family member.

based on the limited info you've given us, it's hard to say whether she has AS, or whether something else is going on........best to get mom to set up an appt for an eval. ............have you told her about your concerns for your sister ?

Well, in Ohio the school, if they think a child might have a "disability" and Autism/Asperger's Syndrome is on that list they are required by law to let the parents know, then are required to take certain steps. If you family is unresponsive possibly call the school and give them a heads up as to what you think.

If you take this route, however, be ready for some real turmoil in the intermittim.

The best way would be to educate your family and if they deny it, ask WHY they deny it, and what characteristics they thing negate your assumption.

Oh, Threeflower, what a hard situation you are in. You could yourself go in and talk to the teacher and/or principle.
I did that as the grandmother of two ADHD boys who had been traumatized and abandoned by their drug-addicted mother. I just let them know what was going on in their lives and said I had no idea if any of them had an IEP, but please, to have mercy on the boys. If there was any difficulty, we would work it out. The entire staff of that school ended up taking special care of the boys and looking for good things to tell me.

It doesn´t really sound like AS or autism to me, sounds more like ADHD or something like that..... Just saying. I thought people with AS/autism were generally very quiet and/or shy? everyone I know is, including me.
Whatever it is, it sounds like there is a problem and I think if you are old enough you should speak to the teacher yourself and ask her if she finds anything strange with your sister. If possible also privatly speak to someone like your doctor or therapist and see if you can get anything done yourself.
then whatever hapens, at least you may be able to give your sister some support as she matures as you may understand her way of thinking a bit better.
Don´t give up, get a note from the teacher if you can explaining her concerns and if she knows or suspects anything about your sister and show it to your parents. If your father acts like this it can be the first stage in greif. Never forget that. Perhaps he is in denial becasue he thinks if his daughter is disabled she may not have such a good life. reassure him this is not so. Never let your views go unseen by your parents, always remind them. this is how I got a diagnosis for myself and my little brother. And it worked.
I wish you well.
Laura
ha, you know a secret about me now ^-^