Insistence of sameness

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Hi, I'm new in this board. First of all, English is not my mother toungue. Please excuse my spelling and grammatical mistakes.

My daugther will turn 4 next month. She has Asperger's syndrome. I am still learning to deal with her behaviors that are seemed odd to NT people. She insists on sameness, so much that she has several meltdowns in a day. She tries so hard to get my husband and I to use the same sentences and the same tone when the same situation repeats. For example, yesterday I had a serious talk with her about not to play with computer wires. I guess from seeing my serious face and hearing serious talk, she associated with timeout. And she demands me to ask her "Do you want to get timeout?", which is what I usually ask her if she misbehaves. I refused to ask her the question, just because I don't want her to get in this sameness routine. And, she was upset because I didn't ask her whether she wanted to get timeout.

This is just one example of many that I deal with on daily basis. There are many more unneccessary routines that I see everyday. I try to break it, but it only makes her more upset. What should I do? Should I keep breaking her routines? Or should I just let her indulge herself with her strict routines?

Trying to break routines is like expecting your child to sit a degree and get maximum points. It just isn't going to happen.

To me, routines are just an easier way of learning and a compensation for lack of other skills. I go crazy if something I put down is not in the place I left it. I would expect your child if put in the same situation would probably go all out worse than I would. She knows no other way.

I would't be concerned with routines and trying to change them.

If she puts something down, and later you move it. She goes back to exactly where she puts in and can not find it. You would ask "Where did you last leave it?" She would've already looked at where she puts it as I presume that is where she would put it everytime.

There will always be a routine, try to sway those routines in your favour rather that try to change her.

If she is putting something down in one place, get her to put it where it should go, and not for you to do so for her. This way there would be active recollection in her memory and actually going to the place where it was put. It would take time, and she should understand it.

Your daughter is only 4 and routines are important in making her feel safe and secure in her environment. I understand about her AS tendencies because my son (now 11) even now thrives on a routine. He has learned though, over time, that life does not always happen according to his time schedule and he has to adapt.

I would pick my battles and realize that some routines that you may think unnecessary may help make her less anxious and you just might have to deal with until she matures and can handle change better. If it's not something that is really putting a burden on your family and it's own routine I would just accomodate her and as she gets older introduce the concept of change and choices little by little. That's what seems to work best for my son.

Good luck

I think you will find that the more you honor her routines, the more secure she will feel, and the less she will need them. Children with Aspergers cling hardest to their routines and expectations when they are feeling the least settled and secure in life, whatever the reason (sometimes it's just a developmental stage that has them feeling off kilter). The routines help them feel more anchored. When you see your daughter start to naturally ease up on herself a little is the better time to talk to her about flexibility and trying to ease up on the need. You will be able to teach your daughter to become less dependent on her routines, but you will need to pick the right times, by picking up on clues from her as to when she is ready. This is not something you can force; the attempt to do so will only make it worse.

i think you need to set some limits to following her routines. sometimes the routines my son wanted me to adhere to were ludicrous, and we adhered to them.......you need to find your way day by day. try to set limits on what routines are ok, & what routines are just impossible to adhere to. ( 1 such impossible routine comes to mind- my son used to insist that he only be allowed to use the 2nd stall in a public bathroom. not a problem when it was open, but such a problem when the 2nd stall was out of order or occupied.)
how you come up with your limits, i can't determine.....somehow you need to make her feel secure in her routines. you also need to work on eliminating some routines. i would never suggest drastic eliminations- gradual works best......

Wow, I really learn a lot from my first post.

"...This way there would be active recollection in her memory ..."

"pick my battles and realize that some routines that you may think unnecessary may help make her less anxious"

"pick the right times, by picking up on clues from her as to when she is ready. This is not something you can force; the attempt to do so will only make it worse."

"somehow you need to make her feel secure in her routines. you also need to work on eliminating some routines. i would never suggest drastic eliminations- gradual works best"

I will remember these tips. Thank you so much.

One of the things that I suggest to my parents is that they keep an eye out for * budding routines*, if they think the routine is one that is needed and productive - encourage it. e.g the child likes to arrive at school at the same time every day and pack their school bag a certain way, or put their clothing on in a certain order.
If it looks like it is a behaviour that will be difficult to accommodate and disruptive, then try to prevent it becoming a routine in the first place. Routines only occur because they happen more than once and are reinforced in some way, if there is no reinforcement, then the routine does not develop. ( sometimes there is intrinsic reinforcement, not external, these routines are difficult to prevent)

e.g I have a little 2 year old that sees me weekly. He learned how to say hello, which was great, however he started to develop a routine on arrival of greeting the toys and objects as well as the people. His mother was reinforcing this by repeating what he was saying and saying good boy, she was just so pleased to hear him speaking. When it was pointed out to her that this was going to develop into something inappropriate and unhelpful for him, she stopped reinforcing all but the appropriate " hellos" He now only says hello when appropriate ie to a person.

For unhelpful routines that are already established, as other posters have mentioned she may find a certain amount of comfort in them, and they will be almost impossible or at least lengthy to eliminate. The trick is not to let the disruptive ones develop in the first place, and encourage the routines that are helpful to her. Routines are important to everyone to a greater or lesser degree, and even more important to someone with ASD

Routines and rituals serve several purposes that I can think of:

- they are a way of making order out of chaos, and thus assist in making sense of the world
- they are a way of reducing the amount of 'thought energy' that has to be expended on activities
- they reduce anxiety
- they help to prevent stress levels from increasing
- they provide a means of feeling more in control of one's life
- they assist in 'grounding' or 'anchoring' one in the particular environment in which they are practised
- they provide some sense of security

I guess the key is balance - encourage the useful ones, discourage the disruptive or dysfunctional ones, and put up with the harmless ones .