Just shut up (a rant)

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A few things I need to get out of my head before I self implode:

* Yes I am homeschooling my son. No, I am not screwing him up. His needs cannot be met in a traditional school setting and it is killing his spirit. When it comes to a point where he hates school (and he used to love it) and he hates himself it is MY job, as his mother, to step in and say enough is enough. I need to give him the environment he needs where he can just be himself. He needs someone to stand up for him and that is my job

* Why do you keep harping about socialization? That if he's not in school he'll become a recluse? That's bullsh*t. When you force him into an entire day of constant over stimulation he is overwhelmed and exhausted. So when he can't handle it and he tells you that, you tell him "get over it" you seem shocked that he melts. You know what? Try walking in his shoes for a day. See how easy it is for you. When he is home, he is successful. He's not constantly triggered for 6+ hours of his day so that when we do put ourselves in social situations, he has the resources to be successful and then he's proud of himself. That looks like a good thing to me.

* You are clueless. You don't understand what Aspergers is and no, when he melts it's not "willful bad behaviour", and no, he's not being "deceitful." Here's the thing. I am his mother. I am his advocate, and I WILL stand up for him and help him be the best version of himself, wherever that leads him. I love him the way he is. I don't leave him in your care anymore because I will not allow you to make him feel ashamed for who he is. I vowed to him that I would never try to change him. I would only help him reach his full potential.

So deal with it.

Sigh.

I really needed to that get that. Feel free to add your own rant.

All very good.

I am kind of getting annoyed with some people, when they say that no socialization = total recluse. I've never believed this to be the case, even with NT's. And for many children and adults with AS, it's certainly no loss to them.

Hang in there.

Personally, I feel more motivated in a classroom environment that provides a certain structure but different strokes for different folks is my comment. If the environment you provide for your son is moving to develop his full potential by all means don't change one inch on what you are doing.

Thanks. It used to be that way for him up until this year. He has always loved school and did well so we went with that. But then in grade 5, it fell apart. Right before I pulled him, he could only stay on task 4-6 mins. His teacher was constantly restraining him as well and the principal said it was not in situations that warrented it at all. That's when it got bad. He lost trust and he didn't feel safe. If he doesn't feel safe, you get nothing out of him. At home though, he's thriving! It's incredible at how much he's taking in and retaining. The Admin at his school and the entire board of education team are totally supporting us.

eta: Had to clarify about the restraining issue because what I wrote last night didn't make a bit of sense. lol

Last edited by CelticGoddess on 24 Jan 2009, 8:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

CelticGoddess, I am so sorry anyone was so thoughtless to you for homeschooling your kiddo.

I know people who homeschool their kids for all kinds of reasons. My best friend has homeschooled her youngest two, and one has done okay, and the other is doing fantastic. The one who's doing okay would not be making it at all if she hadn't decided to keep him at home. He graduated at 19, but he graduated.

And the socialization? Kids get socialization at home. They get a lot more than people realize. And the other thing I noticed with my limited exposure to these kids...they are more comfortable and much more courteous with adults and other kids.

I hope you feel better now that you've had it out.

I was almost homeschooled once. Because middle school and me weren't working out so well. Luckily, things got much better in high school and now college. I need a teacher to motivate me though. I'm taking an online agriculture course now and I'm really struggling because I have to do everything on my own, which I'm not used to, nor am I good at.

I'm glad that the school and board are supporting you. Are they supporting you enough to find an appropriate school for your son? Do you want to consider a different school? It's great that you're home-schooling, and if it continues to work for you, that's fine. But since your son used to like school, and since it looks like something happened this year, and this school was not able to meet his needs, it doesn't mean that there is no school that could meet his needs. As your son's self-esteem and confidence recover, he may want to go back to school, and you want to make sure that it is in an appropriate setting. A school like this, where he is being restrained, is not the right place. It doesn't matter if "it was warranted." The school needs to figure out what is causing the behavior that "warrants" restraint, and address that, so the issue is avoided. In the States, they are required to do a Functional Behavioral Analysis and develop a Behavioral Intervention Plan. Repeated restraints would make anyone feel unsafe; a child with Asperger's even more so. Taking him out was clearly the best thing you could have done for him. The idea that socialization is achievable only in school is patently ludicrous - the socialization that occurs in schools is so often negative, that it can hardly been held up as a model!

I went back to correct the sentence about the restraining because I didn't word it properly. The only time they are to restrain is if the child is a danger to themselves or someone else. It is absolutely last resort. That wasn't the case in the classroom and the Admin definitely took it upon themselves to make that quite clear to the staff member. The whole board was bending over backwards to try and find us another placement.

The issue is that no matter where you put him, it's too overstimulating. Our school was awesome about accomodating him and he had 2:1 support in a room by himself where he felt safe and then they did reverse integration into the autism classroom. All of our Autism classes in the region are at capacity so there isn't an opening to move him anywhere else.

If I had known what was going on, I could have jumped in earlier to rectify the situation. THe problem was that the teacher wasn't telling me he was having issues at school. In fact, he told me the exact opposite, that it going incredibly well! So when I got pulled into an emergency meeting so that the Admin could tell me what they had just learned from the teacher (all of the restraining, that DS was struggling greatly) I was beyond furious. So it had already been going on for 2 months before anyone told me. By that time, DS was exhibiting signs of severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I couldn't figure out why he was so disconnected at home. I thought that since everything was going so well at school that maybe he was letting go at home because he had held it together all day at school. Turns out that wasn't the case. School was a mess and he felt incredibly unsafe. So I pulled him.

That being said, the board team (all 12 of them) have made it very clear that if I want him to return, we will meet and do a slow integration at his speed in a placement that fits him best. The good thing that has come from this is that they're realizing that there are a group of kids on the spectrum, like my son, who didn't fit in the box of traditional schooling but may not have the opportunity to be homeschooled so they're continuing to meet to see if they can come up with a program to meet that need.

Ugh! When schools lie to parents about what's going on, it's so damaging to everyone! It sounds like your board is really trying to rectify the situation to the best of their ability, which is a good thing. It's an even better thing that you are able to home school your son, and keep him in a situation where he feels safe and can heal. It's reassuring that the school has recognized that they are failing to serve a population and are working on meeting that need even though it is not a current emergency!

It's amazing to me how many misconceptions there are out there about, well, EVERYTHING, especially school and AS. Some teachers don't get it at all.

Fortunately, I am seeing a lot of willingness to learn ... although we're currently butting heads over what can and cannot be accommodated and how. It's a process, and one that may never be complete, given that life is not a static thing.

I am glad that your school is on-board with your decision to homeschool, and looking into ways to make the school environment work for similar kids who may not have that option. A friend of mine locally is now homeschooling through the school, and it seems to be working out well.

I think, too often, people just need so much to simplify the world, that they come up with a set of assumptions and assume they will pretty much always apply. Well, as parents to special needs kids we all learned pretty quick that doing so just wasn't an option, but others ... they know no other way.

****hug****
sounds like you could use one........

That was great! Aren't you tempted to keep those statements in your pocket just to pull them out and give them to people who feel the need to talk?