school phobic aspie!!

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Hi, dont really know why i'm writin but think just need someone to talk to. I have a 14yr old son who was medically diagnosed with high functioning aspergers in may 08. He absolutely hates school, unable to interact with peers for fear of ridicule and reprisals, he says he feels nervous all day n doesnt even feel he can laugh in front of others in school, his self esteem is at rock bottom. Just before xmas he was coming home hysterical, saying he was going to kill himself, no-one likes him and theres no point him being here! once he has calmed down its like he has forgotten he said it but when i quizzed him as to whether he would actually do it he said hes not sure as he feels so angry that he could do it before he has calmed down! I spoke to school immediately who said they would refer to child mental health team, he has been fine over xmas while not at school but has started stressing as the days get closer to going back! I keep mentioning about him being statemented but school keep sayin it is not necessary as they are catering for his needs, which they do as soon as i get onto them! He absolutely hates PE which is one of the factors contributing to the school issue but they dont seem to want to make any concessions in that area either. I dont feel like i'm gettin any help from anywhere, just feel they see me as a neurotic mother! the thing is he is so quiet at school, bottling things up and then releases it all when he gets home! I feel that i need to get someone to give him some coping strategies, some confidence boosting. I am also worried about his forthcoming options and GCSE's although he is bright i am not sure how he will respond in exams, he recently failed a music exam that he was certain to pass, but the teachers just say 'he'll be fine' aaarrgghhhh!! Sorry to burden

Flo,
I sympathize with your situation. My 10-year old son has similar issues, which are frequently provoked by the rigid, impatient teacher who downplays everthing that happens in her classroom. The therapist has called a meeting with the school in early Jan.
Is your school understanding? Can a plan be developed to assist him in the midst of a panic attack? My son carries a worry journal that he can use in or outside the classroom when he's anxious. On a score of 1-10, he rates his attack, writes why and what steps he can take about it. If he's at a loss, he can pick an exercise from the front of the journal (that we wrote down). The suggestion is that he cannot dwell on anxiety while coming up with a plan. When he's done writing, he rates his anxiety again. It usually comes down at least 1-2 points if not more. We've also coached the resource person and the teacher in relaxation exercises, which they're to go through with him if he's inconsolable. Of course, it helps if the teacher's cooperative and sympathetic. Repetition in relaxation exercises at home is really effective. Have a nightly routine in which he practices relaxation. It should be old hat to make it automatic at school. Visualizing himself doing well, having confidence, courage can be incorporated into the exercise.
Also, school personnel knowing physical signs of an attack or having a keyword, hand signal is effective. For example, mine sits at the edge of his seat when he's anxious. If all else fails, the ability to go to the office or resource room, a safe contact within the school, all these might help. We've asked the school office to distract (give him a mundane task) not focus on the attack. I'v also read about using music (an MP3) in the classroom to encourage relaxation. We haven't tried this, but may ask this time around.
In addition, research suggests the most effective treatment for childhood anxiety is a combination of therapy and meds. However, my son's on Celexa which may cause suicidal thoughts, so we follow up seriously on any suicide talk. Contact his dr or get a med re-eval if necessary (we did and it took about 20 phone calls and a lot of determination on my part to get it done).
Most importantly, you need to relax. I know how difficult this is in our situation, but relaxation exercises help mom, too. Take care of yourself and be in a good state of mind before you take on the school. Good luck and God bless.
Jael

I have sympathy for you and for him, it is actually common, almost inevitable for a 14 year old with AS to hate school. Have you checked for the possibility of bullying or teasing?

From what you're saying, your son's teachers appear to be putting their heads in the sand and ignoring the real issues. Surely they should be doing more given your genuine concern that you have a potential suicidal son. Is PE really that important? If he finds it *that* distressing, he shouldn't have to do it, end of story.

I've had problems with my daughter who is severely dyspraxic, not AS, but she was spiralling down into low self-esteem and depression primarily due to the teasing she was getting during PE. This was at aged 8. The teachers response to our concerns was similar to what you're describing. Totally ignoring an issue they found uncomfortable, had no clue to deal with and just hoped it would go away.

Eventually, during one discussion, her teacher who just wasn't 'getting it', trotted out the tired old cliches they always say: "but children HAVE to do PE". Perhaps my AS allows me to think outside of the box or something, but all the other adults nodded wisely at this, to me, not very profound utterance. I just said firmly: "No she doesn't. What is the value of PE if the cost is a potential suicidal teenager 3 or 4 years from now? Because THAT is the issue here. As far as I'm concerned, if PE is that distressing, I'll stop her doing it and she can spend the time doing another subject".

Well, it was like at last these adults (including my wife at the time) finally snapped out of their 'group slumber'. Instead of abdicating responsibility through regurgitation of platitudes, they saw that they *could* change things. PE became optional for my daughter, the compromise we came to was that she could do PE with younger children, more in her ability range, but this would be presented as her helping out the younger ones, to avoid feeling demoted. It worked well and my daughter became much, much happier at school.

Differences can and must be tolerated, but the education system is bogged down with inertia and avoiding responsibility by following the rule book and by hiding behind 'group think'. Always remember you know you child best, to the teachers your child is one of hundreds they encounter and will soon forget. For you, your child is for life. I wish you good luck dealing with the education juggernaut!

I don't know where you live but as one who also hated school I would strongly suggest that you try home-schooling. My parents didn't so I ended up being habitually truant by the seventh grade and never went back to school after that so basically I'm self educated and this a hard thing to do. Home school would have worked for me very well and kept me abreast of my peers in the system.

I would assume he is in middle school? Those years are SO hard on AS kids, in pretty much every way, and to compound that we currently have an education system that really doesn't meet the needs of boys (read "the Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre). School is the problem, IMHO, NOT your child.

My son's speech therapist, who I would bet is AS himself, told us that he tuned out in middle school and choose not to have a single friend. That was his defense to the naturally negative and overwhelming environment.

Things to look at:

1) Size. How is your son dealing with the size of the school? Could a smaller, private one solve some of the issues?
2) School culture. It sounds like your son is being teased and bullied. What does the school do to stop this and foster a more accepting attitude?
3) Bell schedule. Some middle schools have truly crazy bell schedules, that are harmful to AS needs for structure and routine from the get go.
4) Course work. What is being emphasized in class and in homework? Many AS kids have trouble with writing (either physical or in the brain-hand connection; unlike other tasks involving the hands, writing is a multi-task function). If a lot is demanded, this can be very stressful for an AS child. In addition, group situations are difficult and stressful for AS kids. My son is a wiz at science, but has found himself in a study group that refuses to let him touch anything in the experiments, because of social factors (we've got this on the table to discuss at the next IEP). And so on. The whole structure of the expectations could be beating him down little by little, minute by minute. My son started 6th grade in the fall and we're working on our 4th IEP of the year - I can't even begin to list all the ways middle school has been negative to him as an AS child AND as a boy, and we're fighting back HARD.

I don't want to be a nuisance parent, but I figure I've got 6 years of elementary school experience to back up that I only speak up when absolutely, positively necessary. If I'm making a racket, I want them to understand that it is necessary. And, in a way, they've already got that ... but are saying their backs are against the wall due to "other" constraints. And, so, I'm working the angles, getting the information, and coming up with ideas that I think meet all those considerations.

AND I've volunteered for a parent task force on homework issues. The IEP's have to stay focused on my son's needs as an AS child, but much of it is compounded by institutional practices that bias against boys. THAT I'll work on with the task force. I'm not the only parent joining who has read the book

I also think we need to be prepared to pull the plug if change can't be achieved within the school. Our county has both a Waldorf and a Montessori school and both are small and much better suited to an AS child, even if services would be lost. Or there is home schooling. There are serious downsides to our family as a whole in choosing any of these options, but I have to leave them on the table should I not be able to affect the changes my son needs most.

Good luck. It's hard.

She was great over the holiday week but now that school is looming in the near future again she said to me for the first time, "I hate school. I don't want to go. My teachers hate me." This is coming from a girl who ended school a week and a half ago happy as a clam. Things were looking up and she resolved a major emotional issue with a good friend, I thought, that was bothering her. Now she is like back to square one. I feel badly because she is bored now and we have invited all of her three friends over this vacation and no one else is available, wants to come over. My other child has tons of friends in and out of the house and sleeping over invitations, etc. I am trying to make the best of the situation but it is really hard. My heart just breaks and breaks all the time as I see her struggling, lonely, afraid, and sad. Having a child with AS is just as bad as having a physically handicapped child in my opinion. Hang in there and I do hope it gets better. About the PE thing, my DD also is "disturbed" by some of the games in gym and I hope that when her IEP comes in I can make accomodations for this.

thankyou to everyone for replying so fast!! I think the diary system is a great idea as he already does something similar off his own back. When things were gettin on top of him he came up with the idea that he could put into writing all the events of the day and his feelings, i encouraged it thinking it would help him to reassess whether he had really had a bad day or whether it just felt like it at the time! He also writes down funny things that teachers or pupils say so this idea would prob really appeal.I have tried to get him to visualise but he is so down on himself he doesnt see any positives, he is even convinced that should he get a school detention, it will go on his records, he wont get a job, he wont have money and he will die!I have suggested he goes to the learning mentor whenever he feels stressed but he says he cant, that he doesnt trust anyone, that no-one does anything anyway!
I did ask that he be exempt from PE but school said that it was compulsory and could only be considered when every thing else has been tried, but they arent trying very hard and i think me and my son are at the end of our road!
Over xmas i have been looking into home schooling but i am not sure of the implications long term e.g not sure i can hold down my job and home school, not sure i can cater for his needs in terms of curriculum requirements eg science experiments etc, not sure how it affects taking GCSE's,going to college etc. It does seem obvious to me that if a place causes you so much anxiety, you dont want to socialise with other kids and your not absorbing info due to stress levels on a constant high - why would you do it! I know an adult wouldnt allow themselves to be forced into this situation so why should i do it to my son!
The bell is on a regular timer which he counts down each time using his digi watch. It is a smallish school and i know he doesnt get physically bullied but to him a look, or a negative comment confirms his idea that all his class are 'hostile' to him! the thing is he doesnt want them to include him to any great extent but he would like to feel accepted

i think you need to consult with his doc about the mental health concerns. my AS son was suicidal for years. we ended up pulling him out of the regular ed system and putting him into a smaller therapeutic school. happy to say that he is no longer suicidal.........prior to pulling him out of "regular ed" they tried all sorts of things: lessened homework, fewer classes, breakout room, time with the school social worker, behavior support plan..............ultimately, what worked best for son was the removal from the GIANT middle school .