Who has a perfectionist child?

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My almost 11 year-old DD is such a perfectionist. She will not do anything if she can not excel at it. I see her missing out in life not trying new things, from sports, to contests, to trying new restaurants even! If she comes in second place she beats herself up and it is no consolation. Lately she is having problems being competitive with one of her few and very close friends. It's ruining the relationship. I have her in therapy but so far it is just helping reduce some of the rage and anger she feels. I feel like I need to address the perfectionism before she hits puberty or it will completely stifle her life. Anyone else with perfectionist kids???

I used to be a perfectionist! What does that have to do with trying new restaurants though? Maybe you feel the normal AS symptoms are just signs of perfectionism. They AREN'T!

My parents say that I was a very meticulate child, not sure where I lost that at though.

I can take perfectionism to an unhealthy extreme. I think it can be related to Aspergers, because perfectionism in itself can become an aspie obsession. It sounds to me like your daughter's obsession is perfectionism.

When I was a kid, my obsession was reading, but as I matured I tended to move between different obsessions, and one that has always been constant has been this sense of perfectionism; of having to achieve impossible standards as compared to myself, but nobody else. It's like raising the bar impossibly high for yourself, but then lowering it for everyone else. Double standards really.

Could you persuade her to redefine excellence? If she were to define excellence not narrowly as beating others at whatever the competition is, but she defined it as being open to new experiences and good at learning, she would have less trouble. She would have to get her mind off absolute level of achievement and onto improvement.

I know I read something about this, that some kids are achievement oriented others improvement oriented, and the latter usually learn better and are happier. Do you think your daughter could be persuaded to change her focus?

my 3 aspies can be perfectionists at times.here's just one example....son will write & rewrite over and over again until he has something that is, in his words, * still not good, but should pass*...........

I am a perfectionist, but not nearly as obsessive as I was when I was younger.