Help and advice please!

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Hello, it's been awhile since I've been on this forum. I first want to thank everyone who has replied and assisted me in the past.

My 10 yr. old son is currently seeing a cognitive psychologist every other week. Not sure if it's doing anything at this point. My concern and request for help is due to his lack of caring about pretty much anything. If something is even slightly difficult or takes attempts to master he isn't interested and gives up. He seems to be the 'I can't' or 'it's impossible' kid and doesn't really get into anything at all. I swear he doesn't seem very happy most days. He's a very loving and sweet boy. . .heart of gold. . but he gets bored so easily and it will ruin his entire day. He can't let things go and, of course, over reacts to everything. He either LOVES something or HATES it. . .there's no in between. This is the case for everything, toys/games, activities, food, school. . .etc. I feel lost here. It's now 5 days after Christmas. . ..he got lots of stuff he asked for and other things too. Under our tree is packed w/ new stuff. . .yet he's bored. My husband and I work but there's no school right now so he goes to his grandparents during the day. . .I remind him the night before and the morning of that he should think of what he wants to take to do. Legos, his MP3 player (he loves music), books, games, DS. . . .yet he sits there looking depressed saying he's bored and none of it sounds fun. I'm at a loss and would love some advice and help. I know it's nothing we did. . .but sometimes I feel guilty like I've done something wrong. We've been telling him since the day he was born that he can do anything if he tries and wants it enough. Nothing's impossible. . .yet he's the complete opposite. Still can't ride a bike because he couldn't master it on the 1st attempt. . . .now he 'can't' and 'it's impossible' and he doesn't even try.

Please help! Same goes for school. He's struggled this year and went from straight A's to mainly C's w/ the occassional D. He does everything half assed and doesn't give anything 100%. . . .any ideas??

Thanks a lot!! !
~MamaCass~

sounds like he needs an overriding purpose in his life.

ever asked him what he wants out of life in General?

Could it be he is overwhelmed?
My son can't chose what to play with if there are too many choices. So he gets to chose between two things (for example nintendo or drawing). You can even make one of the options really rotten, so the choice is easier....
What also works for my son is making a written program: play with lego, then Nintendo, then drawing. The intervals can be very short, if he is easily bored. You can even use an egg timer. Then lots of praise or even a special reward for getting through the plan. Mybe this could work for a day with gramps. If he is up to it, you could make the plan with him - otherwise make the decisions for him. When he starts an activity, take a few minutes to make sure he gets going.
These ideas work for my son, who is HFA. (Maybe you're doing this stuff already?) Maybe your son functions better than mine, but sometimes the same solutions help...the aspies at my sons school need help like this, too. (I'm assuming your son is an aspie?)

Could not trying have to do with low self esteem? Give him as many possibilities as possible to succeed - even just with "tiny" things. Make a cake with him/climb a hill ANYTHING!


BTW I'm a busy, busy parent too, and don't always have the excess to practice what I preach

One last thought - do you think he is slipping into a depression?

Last edited by katrine on 30 Dec 2008, 1:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There is a chance that this is at least partly developmental. My son is like night and day as a 6th grader from being a fifth grader. IT's like fifth graders are on the verge of something that they can't figure out but are eager to get to.

This is something my husband and I have discussed could be a real possiblity. 5th grade is different, a bit more responsibility. . .works getting harder and bigger projects, less 'hand holding' at school. I also know if he really wants to do something specific and either can't or things we'll say no, nothing else will do. Same for food. If it's his choice for dinner he'll say 'I don't know' and vaguely look thru the cabinets. Come to find out there's something he's thinking but doesn't think we'll go for it. Could be the same for the toy dilema today. Too many choices. . .could be, but he's high functioning and usually choices take a long time but don't cause problems (like using his gift card last night at Toys R Us. . .we were there for 2 hours due to his option paralysis But, no problem, he made his choice after seeing ALL the options and was happy.)

Depression: there have been days it crosses my mind. the problem is medication isn't an option. Since he was 3 yrs old he will NOT take meds. Nothing, ever, no matter what. Believe me, we've tried everything and he starts gaging before ever getting the liquid, or kids sized pills, or desolving strips or candy wrapped meds, etc . . ..before it even gets near his mouth. It's fully mental and we can't get around it. I used to hide tylenol in 7-Up when he was young. Called it 'grape 7-up'. . . .he NEVER saw me do it either. But he's smart, only worked twice and never again. *sigh*

I appreciate all the responses already! I'll try some of the ideas and see how it works.
I do feel I'm so busy sometimes w/ work and our other child that I get that 'mom guilt' that never goes away. We snuggle, play games, talk, hang, tickle bug, etc. . ..so I know ultimately he gets plenty of attention and knows he's loved, but you can't help but think you're part of the problem. I'm sure that's normal.

He's almost 11, we try so hard giving him advice on how to see the bright side of life, not dwell on the negative, try to make some changes and all...but we get nowhere. It's just frustrating.
Thanks again!

you know, just because you have AS doesn't mean you can't be depressed.......i'd make sure the psych knows about your son's lackdaisical attitude- could just be AS, could be depression.

and I have just posted that we have enjoyed the time lately but I know this is and up and down rollercoaster ride with her and probably all of us. Does he like to read?? My dd will spend hours and enjoy it if she is into the author. Can Gramps take him to the zoo or an outing? My parents are way to old for that so I can relate if that's not an option. What about online games? My DD loves trivia and I can direct her to child safe websites which she will spend hours on. How about a pet? Is this an option? My DD does SO well with my dog. He could have responsiblity/cause/effect with a pet. If he's bored do something totally new. You never know! My DD who is so clumsy is enjoying and actually not bad at iceskating. She takes a friend and because they have music and an arcade there it's not so stressful making conversations continue successfully. There are natural "breaks" to the playdate. Is he sleeping okay? My DD breaks down when not getting enough sleep. Maybe give him a project? Is he bored intellectually? Can Gramps take him to the museum? Does he like to draw/do art? Buy him some paints and let him go. My DD loves any type as long as her work is not being "judged" or compared to others. She can spend hours fingerpainting, making designs. Does he have one friend that he can call? I just read in Atwood's book about having ONE friend can literally make the difference between depression/isolation and being okay. I totally believe that. Friends can be anyone, younger, older, even hiring an older kid to come over and play for a while or teaching/coaching a sport. There's nothing wrong with that in my opinion. My DD loves her young teenage sitters who play with her and let her run the show.
Good luck. You have my support and I care! Lucy

Yeah it sounds like your son is depressed, or at least has a lack of self-confidence. I don't know if this is so much a developmental issue, I've seen this in my AS friend when he was 16-18, but then again my friend socially was years behind peers his own age, so I guess it very well could be. Anyway, I remember my friend was very much a "quitter," he didn't really want to try anything new and seemed to lack interest in anything. His grades were also slipping, and he lacked motivation to do anything. After talking to him more, I found out that he didn't want to try anything new because he was afraid of failing, and what he perceived as failures ended up wrecking his self-esteem. He had impossibly high goals for himself, and of other people, leading to very difficult situations for himself and his family. Luckily at the time I told him that he deserved all the best in the world (i.e. gave him a lot of emotional encouragement), and unknowingly set him up for some small successes. He never truly believed me when I told him that he already had a lot of successes; it was important that he see and prove to himself and convince himself of his successes. I gave him some simple goals that I was confident he could meet, even with the lack of motivation, and with time and a few successes under his belt he got out of his rut.

I noticed that when he reaches a particularly big goal, he feels on top of the world and is suddenly interested in doing everything! ! So if you can manage to get your son in that position, things can snowball from that and he'll progress very quickly. Whenever my friend had a big failure (e.g. his girlfriend broke up with him) or I was disappointed in him, my friend withdrew and became incommunicado for nearly a year. So it's an incredibly delicate situation and there are a lot of times when you'll just have to turn around and bite your tongue and not let yourself reveal your frustrations towards your son. I know it's tough for you as the parent, just hang in there!

I just pray they invent a medicine for Aspies, not to take away our beneficial aspie qualities, but to help diminish some of our negative ones.

Your friend, very lucky to have you in his life, sounds so much like my DD.I totally see that when she does have a success she is on top of the world and will try new ventures. She will not try anything lately that she is not sure to win. Competition is just awful to her. She cannot take coming in second in anything, from sports to art to school work. It's very painful to watch her fail.

Yeah I can very much imagine how painful it is for you to see your DD fail. With my friend I think it was actually worse to see him not progress, it got extremely frustrating at times. Sometimes you can give all the emotional support in the world and yet it might not be enough. I'm not a parent and yet I can easily see how parenting is so extremely tough; you have to give the child enough encouragement to give motivation to tackle new things and to grow, but you have to be strict and tough at different times so that the child doesn't get spoiled. It's so difficult to know when to be "soft" and when to be "tough."

My friend is 20 and lives on a different continent from me, so it's very difficult to keep updated on how he's doing. He still has the social skills of a young adolescent but is at the age when people rebel from their parents (father figure in my case I suppose) on their way towards independence. The best I could do the few times he speaks to me these days is to give support when I think he needs it, and gently push him when he gets complacent. It's just that at his age and situation (college), if I push him he gets upset and stops talking to me. And yet, it seems to be enough to get him moving again.