No offense, but you sound like my mother. I despise dealing with her.
In generally I am a nice, easy going person. I may not be very social, but I get along well with others. I had/have no problem with my father, or my teachers, or anybody else, just my mother. The reason for this is simple. Other people treat me like a human being. My mother treats me like a slave that should do whatever she ask whenever she asks, and never question her authority. She doesnt care what I am doing or what plans I have. Furthermore she doesnt limit her demands to important or relevant things, she will demand that I stop whatever I am doing and spend 3 hours scrubbing the drive way. No, I am not making that up. Her reasoning is 'the driveway looks dirty, and you dont have a job'. And if I didnt capitulate to her demands she would do whatever she could to make me miserable; yelling, more yelling, harassing, more yelling, taking away my stuff, more yelling, etc.
My mother made my life miserable and made all my problems much much worse then they needed to be. She constantly criticized me about anything and everything. Either my grades were too low, or my hair was too long, or I had too many pimples, or something else about me was wrong. About 95% of my 'conversations' with my mother involved her either nagging, complaining, or yelling at me for whatever was bothering her at that moment. She was never satisfied with anything and constantly reminded me of all the ways I failed to meet her expectations.
If I ever tried to talk, negotiate, reason, or come to a compromise with my mother, I was seen as 'telling her what to do' and 'being disrespectful'. This of course created more yelling.
So, not surprisingly I quickly lost all respect for my mother. I finally got tired of her harassment and stopped listening to her around 13-14 years old. I got a lock on my door and stayed away from her as much as physically possible. I also started a campaign of aggression/backtalk. Its not as though I was actually enraged or temperamental, I was just pretending to be so as a self defense strategy. I would just yell, be disrespectful, etc. at her whenever she tried to tell me what to do. This of course created a lot of tension between us, which meant that she started to avoid me. As such a lot of my problems (which were caused by my mother) went away, or were at least diminished.
I was definitely not happy about the situation. I would have much rather preferred that the relationship with my mother be the same as the relationship with my father. My father respected me, treated me like he would like to be treated, and as such I extended him the same courtesy. If my mother were ever reasonable, respectful, or talked with me like I was a fellow human being instead of her slave then I would have quickly dropped the fake aggression and been happy. But unfortunately, my mother never changed, and thats why I dont talk to her anymore.
To be incredibly blunt: If your son was disrespectful, and aggressive towards everybody who told him to do things (father, teachers, you) then you could reasonably assume that your son is just being too aggressive. However, if he is fine with everybody else except you, then the problem probably isnt on his end. Your probably treated him the way my mother treated me, and I am not surprised he is lashing out. Think about most of your talks with your son. Do you ever discuss things such as what game his is playing? Or are most of your conversations just telling your son what to do, what not to do, and complaining when things dont go the way you want?
In your post you say that you have tried yelling at him, and taking away his stuff. Have you ever tried talking to him like a fellow human being. Have you ever said sorry for yelling, and admitted that your not always right. Try telling him that your just doing your best to help him grow up and your willing to work with him. Be reasonable and talk with your child, not at him. Ask your child to do things, and explain why you want them done, dont demand them. Be reasonable in what you ask your child to do. Keeping his room clean so ants dont invade is reasonable, having his room polished perfectly for inspections at random intervals is not. Remember that the point of chores is to teach your son how to live independently, not be your servant to do whatever comes to you mind. If your child does something you dont like, explain what it is you dont like, and work WITH him to prevent it happening again.
A good apology, followed by a sincere attempt to treat him like an equal will work much better then more punishments. Remember, he may not understand as much as you do, but he is still a human being, and thus you must treat him with the same respect you would want. The relationship here is you helping your child grow, not you controlling him.
The primary reason that I visit the parent's forum is because my mother made my childhood horrifically crappy. If I can prevent just 1 child from suffering the same way I did, then I will have accomplished what I came here for. Please PLEASE, dont assume this is all your child's fault. I will admit that all children must grow and improve themselves, but it is the job of the parent to help that happen, not sabotage the child's happiness.
19 Jan 2009, 1:24 pm
