Sleepovers???

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One of my sons has just been invited to his first sleepover. Personally it seems a little young to be starting all of this (he's in grade 3)! And I can't quite wrap my head around how to make sleeping over a success for him at this point. He gets completely worn out after a 2 hour playdate, and tends to get very touchy and grouchy towards the end. I suggested that maybe he could spend the evening with the other boys, but then come home at bedtime, for a compromise.

But he says he really wants to go for the whole night, and that I am just being "a very overprotective mother", and he is upset. When I explained to him what a sleepover would entail, he did have some misgivings, but then insisted that he does want to go.

Does anyone's AS kids do sleepovers successfully? And if so, any tips?

Personally I think you're obsessing over it too much. if it's a success, great. If not, he will learn from it. People need to learn on thier own what their social limitations are, and cannot effectively do that until they do not participate in social situations such as this. I think what you need to ask is "What damage will be done if this becomes a failure?", and I don't think it would be enough to warrant keeping this from him.

If he is eager to go, I would assume that he will be reasonably comfortable and safe once he is there. As a child I was horribly terrified of sleepovers, I just never went, invited or not, nor did my brother or sister host sleepovers because I couldn't handle them. But I very clearly communicated that to my parents. Your son seems to be telling you the contrary.

I think the best thing you can do is let him know that you will extricate him from the situation should he feel overwhelmed at any time, and be ready to pick him up at any time. Beyond that, just wish him the best, help him learn from it, and take it not for granted that he has been invited in the first place - many of us never were.

I would talk to the parents hosting the party about your concerns, and if they are up for the responsibility, go for it.

My son knew exactly what he could and couldn't handle by that age. He didn't do sleepovers, he choose not to, but by 5th grade he went away for week long overnight camp wthout a single issue.

My NT daughter is in 3rd grade and recently had her first sleepover party. We agreed to pick her up late evening, she came home, wanted to go back, went back, and had to be picked up again at 1 am. Ugh, but it IS totally normal at this age. She convinced herself she could do it because she was having so much fun at the party, but her first pass - weeks before - had been that she wasn't ready, and that instinct was right.

We've been having kids sleep over here since kindergarten; most kids are quite ready by age 5, odd as that may sound.

The main issue with a party is that everything will be so off schedule and loose. When we do sleepovers with one child, they only stay up an extra half hour to hour. When it's a party, these kids are up all hours and often too overexcited to actually fall asleep, talking and being silly well into the night. Is your son aware of the overload all that might bring? You should be sure he is prepared for that.

Otherwise, you won't know if you don't try. Kids have to be allowed to spread their wings. And mom and dad have to be prepard for a midnight phone call.

This can be a very touchy situation creating a lot of anxiety for parents of Aspie kids. As an
Aspie myself, I had hideous social skills/no skills as a kid, friendships weren't an issue for me. So first, congrats to your child for his invite! This is the around the age when kids first start doing sleepovers, so this is normal.

Of course, he doesn't know what to expect outside of his own household/family environment, and every home is different. I don't know what difficulties or ease with which he would deal, but here are some suggestions I've given to my son and daughter for play dates as young kids.

1) Foods - when being offered foods, politely accept or decline. Decline should be "no thank you" or equivalent. Don't make comments such as the food is "too hot", "too cold", "not what I wanted", etc. because the host will find it rude. Best rules: always say thank you (once for each nice act), only say positive things about the food provided. If your son is picky, offer to send him some of the food he likes with him. Talk to the host mom/dad about what your son likes most beforehand.

2) Pay attention to what your friend wants to talk about - and his facial expressions. Keep the words you use related to what your friend wants to talk about. Wait until your friend or friends or done speaking to avoid interrupting.

3) If he has a sleeping bag and favorite pillow, as well as a funny stuffed animal he likes, make sure he brings it. That will help to make sure he can get some sleep.

4) If he feels overwhelmed, tell him he should ask where is the bathroom, then go there or to a quiet room in the house. Often Aspie kids don't know when things are too overwhelming. Tell him if he gets a headache, or feels anxious, or things seem too noisy, that may be the time to go.

This is all I could think of right now - I have to head off to do some errands - but good luck and wish you and your son the best.

Thanks and Peace,
Warren

These are great tips. I guess I do need to remember that we can bring him home at anytime if he gets overwhelmed, it's not like once he's there, he's stuck if he hates it.

I will have to talk more with my son about it. I don't think he really has any idea what it entails. I spoke briefly to him about my concerns about the length of time, his longest successful playdates/b-day parties have been 2 hours or less. Anymore than that and he gets completely overloaded. This party starts at 5:00pm and ends at 1:00pm the next day. I think it may be way, way too much for him.

I am also concerned about his behaviour. When he gets overloaded, he gets very angry. We are lucky that several of his peers are still interested in being his friend, but he is really struggling with how to be a friend in return (especially at times of stress), and one by one his friends are getting turned off and starting to shy away from him. I worry that he may at most meltdown or at least be rude to the other kids, and damage his chances of future friendship, if he puts himself in a situation that is so far beyond anything he's shown himself capable of handling so far? But maybe "overprotective mom" just needs to let him sink or swim on his own...

Also, I am hesitant about explaining my concerns to the parents who are hosting. L's aspergers is not something widely known in the school community. We don't want him being labelled as "the kid with aspergers" (he is already "the kid with allergies", and that has caused enough exclusion and ignorance). But I can't imagine just dropping him off without explanations and plans if things don't go well, of course I will already have to carefully plan all of the food etc. with the other mom, due to allergies.

Anyway, yeesh...stressful...but better than not being invited, of course.

Warrenpeace already pointed out most of what I was going to say, but I have some things to add. For of all, my congratulations to your son for being invited. Although I had friends when I was your son's age (my family later moved cross-country, and I was without friends for almost six years), sleepovers weren't customary in my circle of friends at the time, so I only know what they're like from descriptions I read here. Anyway, here are the things you should teach to your son before he goes to the sleepover.

1. Food
Always say "thank you" for food being offered. If something doesn't suit his taste, it's acceptable to ask for a simple modification, such as "can I have ketchup instead of barbecue sauce", but not much beyond that. If the parents are serving a dish your son never ate before, teach him to ask for a small portion, so that if he doesn't like the taste, less food will be wasted (without pointing that out). It's acceptable to say "thanks, but this is not what I usually eat". This way, you're making a comment about your own habits, not your host's cooking. Better yet, bring enough of your son's favorite dish to share with everyone at the sleepover. If the said dish is a classic kid-pleaser, your son will win brownie points from his friends. If not, at least the hosting parents will have a point of reference for next time.

2. Asking for things
Teach your son that's it's OK to ask for some things and not others. For instance, it's perfectly fine to ask for a glass of water, or a step stool to help reach the sink. On the other hand, it's not acceptable to ask for something that takes an excessive amount of effort to give, such as asking to sleep on a bed reserved for someone else. I can't think of more specific examples, but I'm sure you, as a parent, will be able to.

3. Overnight supplies
I recommend putting together a designated travel kit, with things like a toothbrush, a small tube to toothpaste (if your son prefers a specific one), dental floss, a towel, etc. Emphasize the fact that you will not care if you son loses or forgets something, so you son won't feel compelled to worry about its safely, and it'll be far less traumatic for him to lose "just a toothbrush", rather than the one he's been using at home for months (and possibly feels some attachment to it).

4. Sleeping arrangements
Bring a sleeping bag your son feels comfortable in and a pillow. I actually advise highly against bringing his stuffed animal, because if someone grabs it from him and starts playing Keep Away (a.k.a. Monkey in the Middle), your son's time will be ruined in an instant. Better to live without the animal for one night rather than take the risk. Make a game out of it: promise that you'll babysit the animal while your son is at the party (I'm sure he's familiar with the concept of babysitting). Ditto for his favorite pillow. Instead, bring a generic one he has no problem using, to avoid related conflicts.

5. Code phrase
This is perhaps the most important topic. Agree on a code phrase he will use if he needs to call you to take him out of the party ASAP, and practice the tone to fit the phrase. Secretly tell it to the hosting parents. It needs to be something you son will feel comfortable telling in front of other kids, and something innocuous enough for them to believe it. The best example I can think of is: "my tooth just started to hurt really bad; can you take me home?", said in a pained tone. This way he can escape a bad situation with the minimum of embarrassment. Make sure your son also rehearses a proper response when the kids ask him "how's your tooth?" later on.

My daughter actually went to her first sleepover in nursery school. Apparently, everything went well. I thought it was a bit young but she was with the same kids she spent time with all day, it was just a different setting.

Didn't go to another one until third grade, when WE held the sleepover. It went well enough, although the kid overloaded and took refuge in my room for part of the night. As long as you have stuff to keep the others occupied (movies, games, whatever) it goes well enough. Subsequent sleepovers went progressively more and more better, as she learned what was and was not "socially acceptable" by trial and error - much easier to learn it at that age when kids forget than later in junior high school when they just turn vicious...

I do remember the "up until all hours" thing, though. The kid would sleep half the next day to catch up. That's part of the fun.

Your child can always come home again, and that does happen. Hope he/she (sorry, I've forgotten) has/had a good time!

So tomorrow is the big night. I've been back and forth with the other mom on email and the phone, and I feel pretty confident that she will be sympathetic to his needs (she's on top of all of his allergy-related stuff which is crucial too).

Meanwhile my son is so stressed out about the party! He really wants to go, but is so anxious about the idea of sleeping over. I just keep assuring him that he can come home at anytime. I think we may give him my cel phone so that he can call us directly. I think the idea of having to go through his friend's parents who may be busy or just not as responsive as he needs, might make him feel trapped. Problem is he has never used one before and rarely touches the regular phone either, but we can practise tomorrow morning and maybe give written instructions on a card to go with the phone too.

We were also able to get his friend the exact present he wanted, which really helped my son. He has gotten intensely fearful about his gifts not being well received at past parties (although they always have).

Anyway, I'm just here rereading all the helpful tips. Wish us luck.

Good luck! Tell us how it went!

I've had this window open on my computer almost all day, trying to find time to give a post sleepover update, but my son is absolutely overloaded today from the late night, junk food etc. and it's been a pretty challenging day so far.

But last night was a success. He managed to stay at the party for 6 whole hours before calling to come home! And he had fun, and was a polite guest. Yay!

We made a list of rules for being a good guest, and went over them a few times before the party (the tips given here were invaluable! For example I never would have thought of him worrying about keeping track of his stuff, but we were able to address that before it became an issue). The food was all carefully prearranged and familiar to him, and they spent their time at the party playing Wii and watching Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Ark (one of his favourite movies). The friend that invited him is NT, but very a quiet, "nerdy" type, and him and my son get along quite well. There were only 2 other boys, and even though one of them had been a source of stress for my son last year (this boy is rather vocal and critical, and was often pointing out things my son did wrong to the teacher/class), there were no altercations. My son even managed to stay calm when his friend's little sister took his straw before he was done using it. He told me afterwards that he was very upset on the inside, but remembered our "go with the flow" good guest rule and decided not to say anything. This is huge progress for my son! I was very proud.

But the part of the evening that I am happiest about is that he was able to feel his body starting to get overloaded, and called to come home. In the past he has not been able to gauge when he is starting to get into the danger zone, especially if there is something fun that he likes going on. So for him to decide to leave the party on his own, and at the right time showed such growth and maturity. When he got home he was tired and very edgy, but he had left on a high note. It will be a great confidence booster for him (and us), and I really appreciate the encouragement here for me to stop worrying and let him try it out.

it's so great that he recognized he was feeling overloaded ! yea!

I'm glad to hear that all went well. Our kids grow up. It's a blessing and it's well ...hard, lol.

I never went to sleep overs as a kid. I was never invited to any and never would have wanted to go to any. It was too tramatic and stressful to be expected to sleep in a strange place. I had a spefic bedtime routine that HAD to be followed to a T. Instead my best friend stayed at my house. Maybe you could arrange for your child's friends to stay at your place from now on.

I have only been to three my whole life. My first one was when I was 12 and I didn't do well but the second time I did which was with my friend who had DS. Then I was 17 when I last went which was my neighbor's house. We watched B&J and I fell asleep during it and woke up when Benny gets Sam to help him see Joon.

I'm against sleepovers because one never knows who else may be in the house or if somebody there is a bit sick. Sleepovers really aren't necessary. If the previous is true, a few minutes of pleasure for one person is a whole lifetime of healing for another. Some never heal.
One life is all we get so it's best to have a good one free of the insanity caused by others.