do you have to parent other peoples children?

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If you become a parent, do you have to act as one to your child's class mates and the neighbors children as well, or can you stop it at your own?

Espicially as I have it hard enough to deal with other people. This isnt anti child, just f I ever get married and have a child, I dobt I could or want to raise those of other people.

sometimes, yes you do.............

My mum has that problem, my brother always has his mates round playing PS3. It annoys me too, I don't like having strange people in the house, especially my brother's mates, who despite their age are very intimidating, at least, they are to me.

I also say yes. There will be many times when you are volunteering at your child's school, having playdates or parties, or even just out and about in your neighbourhood at the playground, outside the school etc. that you will have to act as a parent towards other people's children. And sometimes it is very uncomfortable, for example having to intervene when one child is picking on another or doing something dangerous. I just try to think of how I would want my own child to be treated by other adults, and act accordingly.

Situations like seeing a child in distress, because they are hurt or lost, requires a parent-like response from any adult (parent or not) in attempting to help the child. Although if you are a man it would be better to enlist the help of a nearby female if possible, because unfortunately men in our society can sometimes be perceived as predators. And I was taught in volunteer orientation to never, ever touch someone else's child. Even if they are crying and your instinct would be to put your hand on their shoulder, pat their back etc. to comfort them. You should not. You don't know what that child's personal experience has been or how your actions could be misconstrued, and you don't want to get yourself in trouble or frighten the child.

To some degree you will have a choice, however. You take on responsibility for other people's children when they are in your home without their own parent, when you take them on an outing with your family, or when you are placed in charge of a group of children on a field trip. But it never is exactly the same as being THE parent; you always have to be mindful that the child's parents may have different values than you do, and may be making different choices, and you generally are expected to respect them. You just take on responsibility for their safety and immediate needs; not for the whole of who they are going to be.

Of course those situations only apply if I have a nt child, if my child also has Asperger's, then I can pretty much cut ou the play dates, inviting class mates to birthdays..which will lead to not being invited to theirs. I refuse to force the same horrors to my child that my parents did to me.

You never know, your child may enjoy playdates and parties, even if they are on the spectrum. And it will be even more important for you to help them cultivate a social life (if they want it).

My sons (twins both dxed AS) have certain friends that they enjoy having over to play, usually because of a shared interest (right now Lego!). When they were in kindergarten, and already struggling to make friends, we decided to make them a really, really special birthday party in hopes that it would help them connect to the other kids. Harry Potter was their main interest at the time (and one of mine too!) and we went all out, and created the best kids b-day party ever. It was like a fantasy come true for my sons, and they had an absolutely wonderful time, and you wouldn't believe how their popularity soared for the rest of the school year. They now had a common interest to bond with the other kids over (HP and their amazing b-day). Every year since, we have created a special party for them (and they do get return invitations, not a lot, but enough to make them happy). They get to choose theme, guest list, and what activities they want or don't want (and if they want a party at all), so the party is completely catered to their tastes and needs. Right now we are planning a Lego party for their 9th b-day.

I am not a social person at all, and it has been really gruelling for me to do these things. I have to force myself, because I know that it is good for my kids and makes them happy. My parents never facilitated things for me socially when I was a kid (unless you count forcing me to participate in sports and other activities I hated), because my mom is also not social at all and would not interact with the other parents/allow kids to come over to our house.

Alice is right, you can't assume that an AS child won't want to socialize. Mine always has; its his success at it that is the issue, not the desire. I can see how that could have turned into a defensive lack of interest, since socializing is frustrating when you don't have a knack for it, but the truth remains: it is something my son, at least, has always wanted. My goal has been to guide him, help him over the bumps, and get him to the level HE wants. Part of that, btw, has been that we have most play dates here. That way, he has me to help him, instead of someone else's parent who doesn't understand him. Now that he is 11, it's all settled down to him having basically 2 real friends; the rest are friends of those friends that he gets along with but has very little interest in. We nurture those 2 friendships, and don't put pressure on him to find more. This is what is comfortable for him. I have taken a lot of responsibility for those two boys, one more than the other; because being able to stay over when mom and dad work late, getting a ride when the bus is missed, and having regular play dates is part of being friends. The other boy has 50 kids programmed into his cell phone; my son has 2. And that is OK - the important thing is that we all know this is a true friend, that the friendship is comfortable for and desired by my son, and that my son is perfectly content with his social life as long as this child is part of it.

i can ask.....
it was torture for me...
also as someone ith it I do have a special perspective that those that don't lack..
Most if not all of my social learning happened in college, not my childhood

Oh, I don't know. I'd say as a mom, we do. But my husband takes a back seat to the socializing (and we have a boy) so it seems to me that dad's don't parent other kids as much as mom's do. Plus, it comes easily to (some of) us (women, maybe?), all that nurturing stuff and for men, well, not. Yes, I know, it's stereotypical and archiac, but I didn't say I agree with it, just that's where the chips fell.

In other words If I have an NT child I do,
If I have with apergers I don't