A disappointment to my parents

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My father never really knew how to take care of me, so it was usually my mother who did so. But she died of cancer when I was 5, leaving my father to look after me. Being an Aspie, I did have some unusual habits and poor social skills, but he wasn't very concerned. He probably thought I'd just grow out of it, but I never really did.
When in middle school, Dad got re-married, and I gained 3 step-sisters... all of which are normal (the youngest one who was my age has a learning disability, but that wasn't a big deal, seemed like my Asperger's was a bigger issue.)
It was my step-mother who took me in to get diagnosed by a professional at 18, but it didn't really solve anything.
My behavior did improve as I got older, but I still make mistakes, forget to think things through, etc. I felt like a waste of space in my own home. Dad always seemed happier with my step-mom than with me. And my step-mom would always be supportive of her own daughters, but would look at me like I'm a reject. It was as if she was watching me & waiting for me to do/say something weird/stupid. Even the way she talked too me made me feel uncomfortable. But I had no problem with the other girls, we got along just fine despite having totally opposite personalities.
It also seemed that my father grew more distant from me, letting his new wife take care of the kids. I'd tried to go to him if I needed help, but my step-mom would always tell me that I'm bothering him. Sometimes I feel that it's because I'm an Aspie that my dad ignores my problems. That he's ashamed that his only child is abnormal. And that my step-mom only puts up with me cuz I just happened to be Dad's kid. He says he cares, but never really shows it (or at least show it in a way that I know he cares), even my step-mom says he cares and always makes me feel absolutely horrible for not acknowledging it.
I'm 22 & I live with my boyfriend. He's very kind & patient & supportive of me. But I still have this fear of talking to them about what's going on. If I tell them I made a mistake & I need help, they just do the same thing they did when I used to live with them: Dad would be too upset to even talk to me & my step-mom would make me feel worse than I already do. But if I don't tell them anything they get angry and ask why I didn't tell,(to which I would always reply "I don't know" because if I told them that I was scared, they'd tell me that that's stupid.)
I feel like that no matter what I do, I will always be a failure in their eyes cuz I'm not normal. It really upsets me that they're only there for me during the good times, but never the bad. my boyfriend, friends, and other family members all believe that I'm doing fine, but it doesn't mean much if my parents don't think so. I know it seems silly to get so upset when so many others have faith in me, but my dad & step-mom have known me longer than any of them, so I feel that they're right.
To the Aspies, do you feel that your parents are disappointed?
And to the parents, do you ever feel disappointed that your child is an Aspie?
Or am I the only one who's going through this?

I'm NT and have struggled my whole life with parents who are dysfunctional........took years of therapy to help me deal with their issues.years to figure out that they made me the scapegoat, made me feel that i was always wrong......
i reccomend you talk to a therapist who can help you work these things out- you're a fine individual, i'm sure- you just need to feel supported

I'm not sure if I can afford to see a therapist.

I am incredibly proud of my aspie son. With guidance and help, I think he'll be successful in life. How to define success might be tough, however, because he may well see that differently than we do, but I'm hoping I'll see it right. I want for him to be happy in his own skin and pursuing his own goals while being as self-reliant as possible. But I know the road is harder for him, and slower, and that I will be needed longer.

What if I didn't know all that I do at this moment about AS? What if I didn't have time or the ability to understand him as I do? What would I see? To answer that, I'm thinking back to those frustrating years before diagnosis, when the gap between the promise of his early years, the evidence of intelligence, and his ability to perform in school and other settings was growing. I think that is the hardest thing: what you think you are about to get, and what the reality is. None of that was HIS fault, is was OUR perception at fault. The whole world seemed to think we had the smartest and most engaging kid ever, and the first assumptions when he couldn't do something as he started school were that he must not be trying, or must not care. And I think that is a common problem between parents and AS kids: AS kids are so obviously smart, but the roadblocks to making those smarts work for them are NOT obvious. You have to do a lot of digging to understand them, and to realize that they are VERY real, and not of the child's making.

Given that your step mother eventually had you assessed, I would guess that she saw the gap and had the patience and initiative to ask what was causing it. Your father may have seen it, too, but with so much happening at the time it was most likely becoming apparent (as you started school) he probably didn't have the emotional ability or energy to tune into it. You have to remember that he had a lot to deal with, as well. The illness and loss of your mother must have been devastating for him, and emotionally draining. No doubt there has always been a gap between what he wanted to give you and do for you, and what he was able to.

After all these years, they may both be confused by their inability to understand how your AS affects you, and also aware of the missed opportunities they had to make things better for you. It wasn't their fault, either. Life just moved far too fast for them to see what you needed, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if they are feeling some guilt, and trying to cover it by blaming you (IF they are blaming you; there is no evidence that they are in your post). Families face so many "what if's" after the kids are grown, and those feelings are hard on everyone involved. If you sense disappointment from them, it may be at least in part because they are disappointed in themselves about the lost opportunities they can never recover.

Or, they've never been able to unlock from the perception of what you should be able to do, v. what you have been able to do. I hope that isn't true, and as I said that your step mother had you diagnosed indicates that it may not be true, but it is difficult to let of perceptions, especially when they are unusually lofty, like the ones we had early on about our son (he had the makings of a future billionaire admired world over, you know ).

It sounds like they care about you a lot, but may not know how to communicate that to you, largely because they may not understand how you think and how the AS affects you. That builds the wall, the lack of understanding. Instead of assuming what they think, try to communicate more and in more detail. Ask more specific questions, and give them fuller answers when they ask you questions. When you give out, you get back.

And, ultimately, remember that the only person you have to please is yourself. If you are pleased with the life you are building and your role in it, absolutely nothing else matters. You've achieved a lot, when you think about it. You've faced a lot of obstacles, and moved forward through them. You should be proud of yourself.

Thanks, DW-a_mom, but I'm very hesitant about bringing up AS with my parents. They're going to say that I'm using it as a crutch. That's another story as well:

Being an Aspie, Dad was worried about what would happen to me when I got out of college (neither one of us wanted to live together, 20 years was long enough). He said I should either go into a home for Aspies or join the military. Now when I think of a "home" (as in "mental home") I get the image of being locked up in an insane asylum, so I agreed to join the Navy. Dad was happy because I'd get the chance to do something productive and because the military would be able to provide me with food, shelter, insurance, etc.
But I wasn't happy. I never wanted to join the military. But I was so scared of being a failure & getting thrown into a home, I did my best to go through with it and told absolutely no one about my AS. Unfortunately, the military wasn't suited for me. Because I have Asperger's, my way of learning didn't go well with the Navy's way of teaching. It also meant that I get anxious very easily, which also conflicts with the high demands of the military. After 2 years, I finally caved in & went to get counseling. I told them about my AS, hoping that maybe it would explain why I was struggling & where I could get help to cope with it. But no, I was given honorable discharge & do completely dropped.
I'm not going to lie, I was happy to get out of the military, but I was annoyed that they dismissed me so suddenly without even bothering to help me out with my AS. When I broke the news to my parents, they said that I should've just kept my mouth shut about the Asperger's & completed my term. They see me as a quitter who uses Asperger's as an excuse to get out of doing things I don't like.

I've disappointed pretty much everyone I've ever known. It's not my problem. In the case of my parents nothing I did would ever please them, the family needed a 'scapegoat' and they chose me for that role. I rejected that role and that disappointed them too. tough!

I'm sorry Square-Peg, I guess I don't have any ideas to share. Your parents don't understand what you face. Without that understanding, it's hard for them to provide the right "work around" tools, which is the job most of us parents here feel is key, what our kids need most from us. That leaves them with, "do it." Not very effective. Perhaps you learn to accept that life circumstances didn't give them the opportunity to understand you as they should have and then leave it at that. No blame, just acceptance. Move on, and know that YOU are doing really well.

I was in Navy ROTC as a freshman in college. I HATED it. It could have / should have been something I could make work for me, but the whole thing had been sold to me on a lie, that the Navy would give me a job in oceanography, which was what I wanted to do at the time. Turns out, that is contracted out - they don't do it. I'd put that on my scholarship application, but no one told me I was wrong until I was "in." Sigh. Bureaucracy. I may not be a real Aspie (a few traits, but not the key ones, we don't think, anyway) but I can't deal with bureaucracy anymore than the average Aspie can. It can be a great opportunity for some, but not for me. Or you, as it turned out.

We are so lucky to have our son and we tell him so every chance we get. We struggled trying to get pregnant and nearly lost him before he was born. He was born premature and in distress. Every milestone, however late it was reached, was such a victory. He is a blessing and a joy, not despite our struggles but BECAUSE of them. But Jake isn't convinced, his anxiety and social issues make him feel lonely and different. Whenever anyone laughs (even us, his parents), he immediatly gets offended and thinks he's being laughed at.

I do sometimes get the feeling my husband feels helpless and frustrated because the therapies, meds, doctors can't 'fix' Jake's issues. Men are fixers and if they can't fix it, they may ignore it, blow it off, or blame someone. Because Jake is hypersensitive to other's feelings, he picks up on this and magnifies it and feels like he's to blame. But my husband is not frustratrated or disappointed in Jake, but in his own inability to fix things for Jake.

Parents are human and we make mistakes. I think your dad and stepmom did just that. The disappointment you get from them may not be in you, but in theirselves as parents. They failed you and that's their own burden. For your own sake, you need to stop worrying about what your parents think (We have a saying that what others think about us is none of our business). Stop trying to fit in their round molds and be proud of yourself.

I'm not disappointed in my son at all. I'm very proud of him.

I think there are many parents out there that simply don't understand AS and, for varying reasons, have trouble learning about it.

If you parents absolutely can not accept you for who you are, then I hope you can come to understand that this represents a failure on their part. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. I know that, when they are your parents, it's very difficult to just dismiss things like this as "their problem", but that's ultimately what it is -- it's their failure, not yours.

most mental health clinics in the US offer a sliding scale fee based on your income- or lack of income.....our co-pay is $10.

I don't care for either one of my parents due to the fact that I was always the "weird" one but now that I'm pushin' 50, they understand that my other "perfect" siblings will have to take care of them in their old age. I mean, how could I, being so defective and "less-than"? So, I'm free!! ! My money is my own! AND I'm using my own money to give my kid all the help he needs instead of punishing and ridiculing him for being different like my parents did to me. I love him unconditionally. I'll be there to catch him when he falls because I know where all the slippery spots are already.

Did it occur to you that the reason your dad is so distant with you is that he may have Aspergers too. And he may be trying to hide from being discovered an Aspie because he's afraid as your stepmom sees how you act she will see the same in him.

I'd suggest not talking to family about your AS or any other mental health issues. Those things are best discussed with professionals. Also at your age you should be feeling more independant and not needing your parents to talk to.