Need some help with questions regarding stepson

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Hi, I am new here and just looking for some understanding and help. My stepson, who I have lived with for 3 years, is 14 years old and has Asperger's. He has several behavioral issues that I am trying to deal with. His father has never told him of his diagnosis and is really unwilling, at this point, to tell him that he has Asperger's. I feel like disclosure to my stepson would help him in so many areas of his life. I do understand my husband's point of view to some extent. He doesn't want my stepson to feel as if there is anything abnormal about him. On the other hand, my stepson is really unaware that his behavior is completely out of the norm even though he has constant supervision with us. He has serious issues with defiance, hygeine, social interactions, anger, obsessive compulsive behavior, etc. etc. My husband has also lived with a feeling of shame in having a child with Asperger's that has gone back to when my stepson was diagnosed at 2 years old and he still has a bit of a hard time discussing anything relating to the Asperger's. My husband has mentioned never telling my stepson about his diagnosis. Does anyone know of any people that are never told of their diagnosis? Does anyone have advice om any of this?? I need help. Thank you so much in advance for any help.

I told my son shortly after he was diagnosed at 8 years old. It was brought up in a very positive light with an emphasis on what he is amazing at ie - advanced vocabulary, vast knowledge of facts etc. I even brought up some famous people who were thought to be on the spectrum. My son is very proud of his diagnosis and has a much better understanding of himself. He is now 10 and hasn't had any issues with knowing he has AS.

Being "only" the stepmother puts you in a very awkward position - in theory the father has more right to this decision. So I say cut the gordian knot, and send the father in here to justify why he thinks keeping the kid in the dark is going to help him sort out his life.

It's sad but I found out that my stepsons real mother left them because she couldn't deal with my stepson's problems. She sees him every other weekend but I am the full time parent with my husband. (His mother was also told by a doctor that she is bipolar.) I am very frustrated but still respect my husband because he has been through extremely difficult times and I feel for him. He loves my stepson very much and continues to have hope for him that he will just grow out of a lot of things or mature or change some how. I know that I can't fully understand what it must be like for my husband and can't even know how it has felt to walk in his shoes so I am very sensitive to him even though I still tell him how I feel.

This boy needs to know about these things before it's too late. You can't tell him, because of the whole stepmother thing, but someone has to. It may be too late already, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. How do you think he's going to feel finding out at 20 or whenever (and he will find out eventually) that you both knew all along, and chose not to tell him?

So please, send the father in here, and let's hear his reasons why the son is better off not knowing that something is wrong.

You say his diagnosis came at age 2? That is a very young age to be diagnosed with Asperger's. I have to wonder if it's entirely accurate. I suggest getting another diagnosis for him at this point, as he may have changed in functioning levels since then and moved into a different category. The diagnostic evaluator should also be able to get you in contact with a therapist that can help your step-son deal with these issues. Hopefully he will be less offended and more likely to cooperate if the advice comes from someone other than step-mom...

So no one has ever heard of people waiting to tell their child about a diagnosis of Asperger's? By the way, he does have an IEP at public school and had a lot of intervention for several years at an early age from professionals. My husband has said that there are two schools of thought on disclosing the diagnosis and some people are for it and some are against it?

I've heard of it, but I just disagree with it. I strongly believe that keeping the diagnosis will do more harm than good...but that's just me.

I've never heard of it, but keep in mind that many of us grew out of childhood before AS was diagnosed. I'm actually pretty happy that I didn't know of it as a kid (no excuse to fail). I probably wouldn't trust my parents very much if they revealed they had known about it after I figured it out.

There are always two schools of thought when it comes to anything, but in the case of disclosure, you will find the school of thought to be overwhelmingly in favor of it. The thing is, the child KNOWS something is different, how can he not? AS kids have different brain wiring and certain social issues, but they are usually incredibly smart and, in their own way, observant. When not given an accurate and logical explanation, AS kids are going to build one up for themselves, which may or may not have any relationship to reality and most likely builds the walls higher instead of breaking them down.

Without awareness of why the world is different for them, it becomes a lot harder for AS kids to overcome the challanges. It's like not knowing the room is too dark because someone turned off the light switch: if you know, you find the switch and turn it on. If you don't, you are likely to come up with all sorts of odd ideas before finally flipping the switch.

When you ask AS adults, they overwhelmingly vote in favor of knowing. Yes, some get upset by it, but many more find it to be a relief, for it explains their life and all the difficulties they always saw to that point but couldn't fully understand the root of.

But, of course, first your husband has to resolve HIS feelings about it. If the child is going to believe there isn't anything wrong with being AS, that it is just a different with pros and cons like most differences, then the dad has to believe it. It doesn't sound like he does. It doesn't sound like he's tried to get inside his son's head and understand how his son thinks, so that he can better channel his gifts and mitigate his issues. These are all things that the parents of an AS child really, really need to do. Know when to let your child be quirky; know when to guide him to learn a work-around. Fully understand what makes him tick, so that you can help him better. It cannot be all left up to the school; there is much the child needs from his own environment as well. But to give that, the parents need to accept the diagnosis and see the possibilities in it, not just wait for it all to go away.

Perhaps some of my points above can be used to help you start a dialogue with your husband, so he can see it all in a different way.

Thank you so much here for all of the advice and information. I completely agree about disclosing the diagnosis. This forum really helped me understand that what I thought was the right thing to do is the same thing that everyone that responded said is the right thing to do. My husband and I talked last night and he said the same thing, that he didn't want to tell my stepson because he doesnt want him to have a harder time now and go into a depression about it and I said that I think it's harder and causes more depression for him not to know. My husband then said that he is not against telling him but the timing has to be right. I said, the timing is never right for this but he is getting too old not to know and he will never be able to work on his problems without knowing he even has a problem.

I was so happy and relieved this morning on the way to work when I got an email from my husband saying that he has found a counselor who deals specifically with Asperger's not far from where we live and my husband left a message with the counselor to make an appointment for my stepson. I feel very positive about this and happy to know that my stepson is on the way to getting some help.