Why won't Livy give us loves and kisses?

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She's 18 months old and whenever we ask she for hugs, kisses or "loves", she'll push us away and scream or tell us in a very stern tone "no!" She never offers either of us any affection whatsoever.

My wife and I are affectionate to each other. We hug when she comes home from work which Olivia gets mildly upset at. We even try group hugs.

From time to time, when I'm holding her and I say, "can I have kiss kiss?" she'll lean in face first and I'll be ale to give her a kiss but that's one in a great while.

To my knowledge, she's neurotypical. She laughs, throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, pouts at a stern "no", claps her hands, steps down from a step or if it's too high, sits down and then steps down. She doesn't show any autistic traits from any warning sign checklists that I've seen.

Can anyone help?

if she is NT, maybe she is looking for facial or body language that telegraphs hugs and kisses?

I dunno. . but maybe.

Merle

My daughter did the very same thing at 18 months. It scared the hell out of us as we have a son with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder who is 3yrs. It was around 16mths we noticed her withdrawing from physical affection, after a febrile convulsion.

We thought we were on a road to regression, as we watched her like a hawk throughout her development. So we started to 'reinforce' her hugs and kisses with little pieces of chocolate!! !, and lots of cheer and excitment. Over the course of a few months we were able to reduce the 'reinforcements'. We can now just ask for a hug or kiss and we are given one straight away.

She will also initiate hugs and kisses now too. She is now 22mths and as far as I can tell is NT. Maybe its a developmental phase, we didnt take the chance and just went straight into reinforcing, the way we started with my older son.

If everything else seems fine I wouldnt worry too much, just watch out for regression in any other skills. She will probably end up like my little girl, a little 'madam', with strong will and personality!! She is very affectionate now, and trying to put her down is our new problem!!

Dont ignore it, just pay extra attention to her and loads and loads of praise for any affection given. She will get there!!

A friend of mine has a son like that. He is in first grade and NT. He does have something where he is sensitive to touch. It's a sensory thing, but not autism related at all. There is a name for it and I can't remember. He does not like physical affection, never liked to be held when he was an infant. He doesn't like to have wet clothes (one drop of water and he changes everything), is very particular about how things are done or put away, very clean when eating and playing, doesn't like anything on his hands or face, and he is very emotionally sensitive. He is not at all on the spectrum, but has these traits. He is smart and doing well in school. The kids and teachers love him. It's just his thing. I know another person who is like that, and her son is also. Neither are on the spectrum but both very sensitive to physical and emotional stimulation.

maybe you should take no for an answer.

euww, i can see how a 'giant' leaning in to you so you get a real eyeful of the pores of their skin and wanting to scratch your face with stubble may be very alarming for someone of that age.

I have or had, especially as a kid, overacute eyesight and the sight of a lot of people up close is not something i want to see.

even hugs?

Post, you're a very angry, bitter person.

I dont like to be squeezed or slobbered on either. I dont know, just chalk it up to personal preference? Some people like things that other people dont. Does it really matter whether or not your child gets hugged? I realize that hugging people is generally a normal way of showing affection, but there is nothing written in stone which says that failure to hug/kiss means that your child doesnt love you or you dont love them.

Also, postperson doesnt seem very angry or bitter to me. Perhaps your being overly-sensitive on a relatively unimportant issue?

hugs, shudder, i don't know why you would expect this sort of stuff to be well received on an autistic website.



no not really, I'm just blankly honest, I don't exist to flatter you. since you've decided to employ personal abuse, i will have to refer you to the TOS.

I clearly recall being told to 'give auntie a kiss' or 'give granny a kiss' when I was a kid, say about 6 year old and it was always a repulsive experience for me, I simply see far too well, every crack or crevice in the skin, every saggy fold, every little fault. I now need reading glasses so my close range vision is slightly blurred now and I find I can cope with the flaws in people's faces (including my own) much better.

Last edited by Postperson on 13 Feb 2009, 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Digger, you can't take things like this personally. Little kids go through all sorts of phases mostly designed to help them figure out the world and assert their independence. This sort of thing is one of them, and girls (just in my personal experience - I have one NT daughter and one AS son) will do a lot of pulling away as part of growing up. It isn't about you, it's about them trying to be "big" and "independent." It doesn't mean they don't love you, or that they don't enjoy affection, but that they want to interact on THEIR terms.

Just wait for the first "I hate you" or "you are the worst mom in the whole world" or "I don't love you." They don't really mean any of that, either, just that they don't "feel love and warm fuzzy things at this particular moment because they've mad at you." My response is usually a simple, "I am sorry you are upset with me right now but ..." My daughter will pull off the worst things she can say to me, claim she doesn't need me and never will, storm off into her room, and 15 minutes later cry out "I want my mommy." Of course, your daughter is much more likely to do all this with your wife than with you - it's a mother / daughter thing mostly - but, still, it is something you are probably going to see and will have to stay calm about.

Do you know that the female brain and body is fully grown by age 16, I believe, while for males it is age 25? That means everything is condensed with girls. It all happens at warp speed. And, so, it's going to be more intense. Or, at least, that's one of my current theories.

ANYWAY, don't make a big deal of the hugs and kisses with her. Sit back and wait for her to initiate.

"bitter" and "angry" are considered personal abuse?

I'm through talking to you.

is that supposed to create 'sorrow' in me?

I didn't perceive what postperson said in the same way you did. I thought it was just a comment. Actually, that comment helped me to understand a few things. My five year old has extremely acute vision. I don't think it will last too long, though, especially if he takes after his almost legally blind father.

With that being said, is that your daughter I just watched on youtube - Olivia?? She is the most adorable girl ever!!

DW - I did not know that about the male and female brain - interesting.

yup, that's my baby!

The birthday party and first steps were so precious!! I am so glad you posted.

My 19 month old does the things you described. I want him to be cuddly but he wants no part of it. He is active and would rather run around. I do my kisses and hugs mainly when he is asleep LOL He still doesn't have a lot of words but does say "no" when I have tried to kiss him, too.

double post

Last edited by Postperson on 13 Feb 2009, 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

and also, from a hygiene point of view, did you know that the most common way the herpes simplex virus is transmitted (ie cold sores) is thru the 'innocent' kisses of family and relatives. once that virus is in your system it's there for life. 80% of the population are carriers.

http://adam.about.com/reports/000052_2.htm

Transmission of Oral Herpes

Oral herpes (usually HSV-1) has been detected in both the saliva and blood of patients with active oral infections. It is the most prevalent form of HSV and infection is most likely to occur during preschool years. Oral herpes is easily spread by direct exposure to saliva or even from droplets in breath. Skin contact with infected areas is sufficient to spread it. Transmission most often occurs through close personal contact, such as kissing. In addition, because HSV-1 can be passed in saliva, people should also avoid sharing toothbrushes or eating utensils with an infected person.